Chapter 8
I’ve been on my best behaviour for weeks. Weeks. The same can’t be said for Megan, however. Her plans always seem to end up with us either alone in my room or with me wishing we were. Like when she had to be the one to put a bottle of micellar water and some cotton pads in exactly the right spot in my bathroom for when I film myself walking in there to start my day, or the time she planted a pair of her lacy “knickers” in my laundry basket. They’re barely noticeable in the clip of me throwing my clothes in the dryer, but apparently, it’s enough. It’s as if she’s trying to test me. Or break me. It’s exhausting being this restrained around her, but she hasn’t explicitly told me she’s interested in more than friendship with me, so I haven’t given in to whatever vibes I’ve been picking up. I’ve had another few videos go semi-viral, and my average views are way up since we started making clickbait. No one’s cottoned on to our tricks yet, but Megan assures me it’ll pay off in no time, and she’s been right about everything else so far, so I’m not going to question it.
I’ve been going out of my way to reassure everyone this is about the content, and the content only, even more so than before. I’ve limited all our interactions and only spent time with her behind closed doors when we’ve absolutely needed to. It sucks, but it’s what has to be done. It’s not enough though – not to scratch whatever itch I’ve had since we met. I literally count down the hours until I can see her every day, and the time never goes fast enough. Until we’re together, and then it goes by way too fast. Which is how I’ve found myself lurking outside on a balcony watching the end of her sunrise yoga class. I could have paced in my room waiting for her to show up, but why would I do that when I could be out here enjoying the view? If I can’t touch, I’m sure as hell gonna look.
She’s got an easy smile as she runs a group of people through a slow, fluid motion of stretches. I’ve noticed at the start of each new cruise she’s always on edge, checking over her shoulder wherever we go, looking out for what, I’m not sure. But with today being the start of the weekend, she’s pretty zen. I’m sure the yoga helps with that.
Eventually, Megan brings her hands together in front of her and bows to the class, who do the same back. After accepting a few words of thanks, she checks her watch and gets straight to packing up – rushing, for some reason, even though she finished right on time. I come out of hiding to lend a hand by rolling up one of the mats while she collects the hard foam blocks.
She spots me, surprised by my appearance. “Oh, hey! What are you doing out here? I was just about to come find you.”
“Had some time to kill. Thought I’d see if you needed a hand.”
She smiles to herself, and it’s enough to make my week. “Thanks.”
“What trick have you got up your sleeve today?”
Her eyes sweep the area around us. “I’ll tell you in a minute.”
So it’s inappropriate? Now I’m really excited. I’ve never moved so quickly in all my life. Before long, we’re entering my empty cabin, alone, and her sneakiness, along with her yoga pants, makes me think about a lot of things I shouldn’t be. Aw, man. Today might be the day I give in.
“You gonna keep me waiting in suspense, or…?”
“Have you got a condom?”
Forgive me, Father, for I think I’m about to sin.
“Uhhh…yeah, I have a whole pack. Why?—?”
She holds out her palm expectantly, so, with shaky hands, I head to my closet and root around for them, eventually finding the box right at the bottom of my belongings.
“It’s full. I haven’t— The pack’s only open because of, uh…Tiegan’s party.” What am I saying? I find the unused single at the top and hand it over to her. “Which I didn’t really wanna get involved with anyway – it was just in case.”
She tears it open.
Fuck. Me.
Megan heads over to the bed, leans down, and places the opened foil on the alcove shelf beside my pillow.
“What’s the reasoning behind this one?”
She takes a second to answer. “To make it look like you had sex last night.”
Oh. Disappointment envelops me. With the wrapper torn, no one would think it was full. “And is that for Team Single or Team Taken?”
“You could argue it’s fuel for both fires. Either you’re sleeping around and being careful or you have a girlfriend who isn’t ruining her body for the sake of making a minimal difference to a man’s orgasm.”
Damn, I love it when her feisty feminist side comes out. I’m putty for a confident woman who won’t take any shit.
“Great point. So what should I film with it now?” I know we’ve set up a lot of things, but it’s only ever to add a tiny bit of background detail to what I’m already doing. I don’t wanna start creating fake scenarios; I want my videos to be as genuine as possible, with only a sprinkle of marketing mischief in them.
“I thought it’d be good to plant there for when you film yourself going to bed or something.”
“Sure.” There’s a vibe in the room that’s not exactly sexual – it’s more awkward than that. I check my watch and quickly come up with an excuse to get us out of here. “I think Jack?—”
“Can I use your bathroom?”
“Yeah, go for it.”
She disappears, running the tap the second the door’s locked, and I busy myself by putting the box of condoms back in the closet. I’m pleased with how long I’ve managed to keep it full. And honestly surprised. I really thought I would have gone back to my old ways by now, but casual sex hasn’t even crossed my mind.
The tap shuts off and Megan comes back out. She’s breathing faster than normal, and her brow is creased with stress.
“Are you all right there?”
“Nothing’s going to plan,” she frets.
“What do you mean?”
“I had a plan. I was gonna run back to mine, change, and tidy myself up a bit. Then, when I got here, I was going to ask you if you had a condom, and you’d say, ‘Yes,’ and then I’d say, ‘Good,’ and then I’d kiss you. But I wimped out, and now I’m annoyed because yet another move of mine hasn’t worked.”
“You’ve been making moves?”
“Yes!”she sighs at the ceiling as if she can’t believe she has to spell it out.
I take a step towards her, pointing my finger. “I knew it!”
“So why haven’t you done anything?”
“Because I’ve been waiting for you to ask!”
“Will you please, please kiss me?”
I don’t think; I just jump. And then I’m devouring every ounce of her desperation, consuming it until there’s none left. She pulls me into her even closer and kisses me with everything she’s got, and I kiss her back with just as much. It’s earth-shatteringly good, and all I want is more. Without letting up, I move us over to the desk so I can set her on top of it.
“Ow!” She reaches behind her to remove a ginormous pair of sunglasses from last night’s themed party. I need to return those.
I apologise before claiming her lips again, letting her pull me in as she shuffles back further.
“Ah!” She breaks away, retrieving a bag of candy from under her.
Yeah, okay, my room needs a tidy. Oh, who cares? I sweep all my clutter off the desk and onto the floor, making a truckload of mess, but I’m too turned-on to care. Shit, that felt good. I’ve always wanted to do that, and it’s exactly as satisfying as I thought it would be.
She looks at me, panting. “That was so hot.”
“Right?”
I dive in for her neck, and she makes the sweetest sound while I feast on her skin, stopping only to lift her tight sports shirt off. My hands roam until I find the zip on the front of her sports bra, and I wait for her to give me permission before unzipping it. Her heavy breasts fall out.
“Help,” I whimper, accepting the little kisses she keeps giving me.
“Help?”
“I think I’m gonna pass out. I’m too excited.”
She giggles. “Please don’t pass out. I’ve been waiting for this moment for too long.”
I push through my elation-induced dizziness to make sure I can live up to her daydreams. I taste her nipples one at a time, grinding against her slowly. She arches her back and then reaches forward with one of her hands to tug at the waistband of my shorts. She takes ahold of me and the whole world stops spinning. Hell, I’ve wanted her to do that since we met. She strokes me in slow movements while I continue to play with the sensitive peaks of her breasts.
“I wanna take this slow, but I don’t think I can wait,” I admit.
“Me either. Go get the condom.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
I rush to retrieve it from my bedside, and when I turn back, she’s up, stripping off her yoga pants, now in only her panties. Holy shit. She gets back on the desk, and I hand the condom over while I take off my clothes. I kiss her the moment I’m done, because spending barely a few seconds with my lips off her is agonising.
She looks bowled over when she sees me totally undressed. “That’s bigger than I was expecting.”
Consider my ego boosted. “Thanks. I grew it myself.”
She snickers at my joke, and I laugh with her. I don’t have a big dick. I have a boyfriend dick – at least that’s what I’ve been told – and the irony that I’ve never been a boyfriend before isn’t lost on me. Not too long, not too thick, just right. Right enough that you can take it on the regular and not worry about – as Ariana Grande so delicately put it – walking side to side.
“Hold on – what were you expecting? Do I give off small dick energy or?—?”
“No, no! I… I don’t know.” She laughs nervously. “It just surprised me.”
I kiss what I decide is a compliment off her lips and slide my hand over her warm, wet panties, rubbing gentle circles through them. I know she was happy with me touching her before, but I still want to err on the side of caution.
The wrapper scratches my side as she holds me. “Do you wanna put it on?” I offer, because I’ve been with some women who prefer to do it themselves so they know it’s on properly.
Something changes in the kiss. “Can you do it?” she asks.
“Sure.” I take the condom from her, but I don’t get it out of the foil yet. I don’t know why, but a weird feeling overcomes me.
“I would have regretted it.”
“Are you sure you want this? You can change your mind, it’s okay. We can forget about this whole thing.”
Her brow crinkles. Determined, she grips my waist tighter. “I really want this.”
“Okay.” I try to settle my uneasiness, but something’s still gnawing at me.
She must sense it, because she goes on. “I’ve never used one before, that’s all. I don’t want to break it or anything.”
I keep my face neutral as I look down at the foil, but inside I’m freaking out, because that opens up a whole world of questions I now need the answer to.
“Are you on birth control?”
She shakes her head.
Shit.But she’s still not telling me straight what I think I’ve pieced together.
“When were you last tested? Outside of work medicals.”
She stares up at me with a lost look in her eyes, confirming my growing fear that she has no answer to give me.
“Gem, have you done this before?” I ask softly, my hand on her cheek.
Her eyes begin to glisten with tears. Biting her lip, she shakes her head again.
Oh, man. I can’t let this be her first time. A quickie with me on a desk when I haven’t even had the decency to warm her up properly. You always remember your first, and I don’t want hers to be remembered like this. Rushed. Uncomfortable. And, let’s be honest, over very fast.
“Please say something,” she whispers.
“This isn’t how a first time should go. I’m so sorry, Gem. If I’d have known?—”
She sinks, defeated. “You wouldn’t have touched me. Yeah?—”
“No. I would have made a lot more effort.”
“I want to do this with you. You’re not taking anything from me. I’m not losing anything. You’re not defiling me or whatever other bloody thing people say about virginity. I’m not a virgin – I’m just someone who hasn’t had sex yet.”
“I know, but it still means something.”
“It’s just sex. I’m not precious about it.”
Her words hit like a punch to the gut. Yeah, that’s all this is, isn’t it? Just sex. A quick fuck to get it out of our systems and no strings. But I want strings. I want a whole Michaels store worth of string. I’m not brave enough to say that out loud, though, and I take so much time working out what to say instead that she gets up and rushes to put her clothes back on.
“Gem, I’m sorry. I?—”
“Don’t bother.” Her defences snap up. She stuffs her feet into her sneakers and heads to the door. She presses down on the handle but turns back, one tear falling down her cheek as she holds back a million more. “I really thought you were different.”
The door slams behind her and I’m left naked and alone to feel the sting of her words as they cut me. I curse at myself, throw on my underwear, toss the condom in the trash but keep hold of the wrapper, then get to tidying up the mess I made.
The door startles me as it opens, and even though Megan doesn’t have a key, I’m disappointed when it’s Jack and not her.
“Hey, man, do you know why Meg—?” He takes in the state of the room. “Ah. I think I can put two and two together. Tom…”
“I know, I know. You can spare me the lecture.”
“You wanna tell me what happened?”
I would never talk about this with anyone else, but I can count on Jack not to repeat anything. And I think if I keep this to myself right now, I’ll burst.
“That was almost her first time.”
His eyebrows rise in surprise. “And why wasn’t it?”
“I didn’t know before and I freaked out.”
He pulls his lips in tight, not hiding his disappointment. “I hear virgins really like it when you do that.”
“Thanks, asshole.”
He gets to his knees and helps me pick up the stray Skittles that fell out of the opened packet. “Why did you freak out?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug off his question.
“Yes, you do.”
How does he always see through me? We throw the candy in the trash, and I return everything to its rightful spot – not on the desk. I fold my clothes and place them on the end of my bed, then I take a seat ready to wallow in regret. Jack watches me quietly, not letting me shut down and end the conversation.
I sigh. “Being her first isn’t important to me, but I want to at least stand a chance at being her last.”
“Then I guess you have to go fix it.”