CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Cara
“So… you’re saying that you intended to break up with Sara all along?” I was incredulous. Why hadn’t he just told me?
He took a deep swallow of his wine and motioned for the waiter to bring us another bottle. “Yes.” His eyes met mine. “I was trying to do the right thing by waiting for her to come back from Florida. I thought she deserved more than a break-up text.”
“I didn’t get much better than that,” I said quietly, running my finger along the rim of my glass absentmindedly.
He met my eyes. “I know. And that sucks. I wasn’t okay then.
I seemed to… lose who I was there for a while after my dad died.
I, um, started seeing a therapist after you left that summer.
She helped me to see things better. I messed up.
That’s the bare truth. I met Sara when I was at my lowest. She offered me something mindless and empty, and that’s all I felt I could give. ”
“How did she take it when you broke up with her?”
“Not well,” he chuckled without mirth. “She knew it was because of you, even though I wouldn’t tell her that was the reason.
She was always jealous of you. Violently so.
I tried to keep that from happening by telling her I was in love with you and that what she and I could have together was just physical.
” His eyes got large. “It did not go over well.”
I laughed, despite myself. “I would think not. She really liked you.”
He nodded. “I felt bad about that. I should’ve recognized that she did, but it didn’t occur to me until after I’d broken up with her. She followed me around and just happened to show up at places she knew I’d be for the longest time after it was over.”
I made a face. “God, was she a stalker?”
“No, but things were getting to the point that I was wondering if maybe she was. Then she finally met another guy and got involved with him. She let me know, though, that if I was ever available again, she would be, too.”
“It sounds like she was in love with you.” I looked around the restaurant, not sure what to do with the information he’d given me. “I wish I’d let Livy tell me more. I was so sure that you were hanging out with Sara all summer that I just didn’t want to hear about it.”
“Total opposite. That summer was one of the worst of my life. Because I knew I’d let the only girl I’d ever loved slip through my fingers. And I wasn’t an idiot. I knew I wouldn’t get a second chance with you.”
“So, you didn’t try?”
The waiter showed up and poured us each a refill from the fresh bottle of wine. We smiled and waited for him to leave.
“Well, I tried to call you, but you’d blocked me.” He took a sip. “Would it have made a difference if I’d shown up at your door?”
I thought back to that time. I’d thrown myself into ballet that summer.
I was always a hard worker, but that summer had been ridiculous.
I’d worked until I dropped each day and then got up the next day and did it all over again.
That summer had been the turning point in my career.
I’d solidified my place in the corps de ballet at the Moonlight.
They’d even offered me a soloist position for when I graduated. All while still in college.
And I knew the truth. “No,” I admitted. “If you’d come after me then, I would’ve asked you to leave. I wouldn’t have given you another chance. I was too hurt, too angry.”
“What if I’d come after you not long after I sent you that text when you told me you were going to start dating again?”
There was something in his expression that let me know this wasn’t just a ‘what if’ question for him. “What do you mean?”
He looked away for a minute and I saw his jaw clench as if whatever he was about to say next was painful or brought back bad memories. He cleared his throat. “There’s one more thing I haven’t told you,” he said.
“Why do I feel like I need to brace myself for this?” I asked, only half joking. “Is this what Lufton was talking about when he talked about you trying to fix things with me before you tried to make things work with Sara?”
He didn’t laugh. His eyes locked with mine.
“I didn’t tell you something else that night at the summer party when I told you I was with Sara.
A couple of weeks after I sent you that text, I came to Charleston.
I did come after you, Cara. I wanted to come clean about the mistake I made with Sara and tell you I was still in love with you. ”
I gasped, interrupting his story. “You did?”
He nodded and swallowed hard. “I wanted to make it right… I wanted you back. It wasn’t too hard to figure out where you lived once I got to College of Charleston.
I asked around and found out the dancers pretty much all lived in the same dorm.
I asked the first girl I saw if she knew where you were, and she pointed behind me.
I looked over my shoulder… and there you were. ”
I frowned. I hadn’t seen him. I definitely would’ve remembered since I would have given anything to see him at that point in my life.
“You were at a picnic table under this big tree close to your dorm.” He got a small smile on his face.
“The sun was shining on your hair, and I swear you looked like an actual angel. So beautiful. Always so, so gorgeous.” His eyes roved over my face as if he was memorizing it.
“If possible, you’re even more stunning now than you were then. ”
“Thank you,” I said, feeling slightly embarrassed under his scrutiny and by his compliments. “But I don’t get it. Why didn’t you talk to me?”
“Because you were with a guy. The two of you were leaning close together and laughing. He was holding your hand. And you looked happy.” He closed his eyes briefly.
“And then the girl who pointed you out said you were with your new boyfriend. Some perfect guy in law school at the Charleston School of Law who’d seen you dance and fell for you instantly.
She made it sound like this epic love story. And I knew I’d lost you.”
I wanted to cry. It had not been an epic love story.
“That was Drake. I was only with him for a couple of months. It was when I was trying to do what you told me to do—move on. But I couldn’t.
I tried to make it work, but it just wasn’t going to happen.
On paper he was perfect for me.” I took a sip of wine, wondering just how vulnerable I should be.
Then I decided to go for it. Edward was spilling his soul for me—I could do the same for him.
“I just couldn’t fall for him. It was like I was going through the motions when we were dating.
I did everything I was supposed to. I smiled, I tried to seem happy, but I just failed.
I couldn’t do it. I broke up with him, and everyone thought I was crazy.
They kept asking me what was wrong, and I just said there wasn’t a spark.
That was true,” I admitted, “but it wasn’t the whole truth.
I knew the main thing wrong with him was that he wasn’t you. ” I lifted my eyes to meet his.
He reached for my hand. “I wish I’d approached you.
If I’d known there was even the smallest chance, I would have.
I was standing there with roses, chocolates, and a huge basket of fruit.
I looked like an idiot. And you looked so happy.
I couldn’t fuck that up. I’d already messed up the first part of your first year of college.
I didn’t want to make it worse. So, I gave the girl who’d pointed you out all the gifts I had for you, told her not to tell you anything about it, and left. ”
A tear escaped and trailed down my cheek. He reached out and wiped it away. “I wish things had been different,” I choked out. “If I’d only turned and seen you there…”
“I think I can sum up the past six years away from you with those two words. I wish.” He shook his head.
“There’re so many goddamned things I wish I’d have done differently.
I completely fucked up my personal life after Dad died.
The only success I had was professional, and that was good—so many people were depending on me.
I knew I couldn’t fail or I’d screw up their lives, not just mine.
But personally? I was like a one-man train wreck.
I couldn’t have screwed it up worse if I’d sat down and tried to think of the absolute worst things I could do.
I look back at that time, and I want to shake myself.
I don’t know what I was thinking. I was just lost in a blur of pain, guilt, sadness, heartbreak—all of it.
I’d gone from thinking I was going to be with you all the time, that we would probably get married, to ruining what we had.
Even if I thought I was saving you, I can’t even believe that was me.
” He ran his hand through his hair, and, even though we were talking about serious things, I had to hide a grin.
His hair, always so perfect, was now poking out a little on the side of his head.
And it reminded me of what we were talking about—the fact that nothing could ever be perfect, no matter how hard we tried.
“Nobody is perfect all the time. You came close, but I can’t imagine many eighteen-year-olds who would have handled your situation well.
Does what happened between us still hurt?
God, yes. But I understand it now. And it means so much to me that you tried, you came after me.
You were going to work to make things right.
” My heart filled with regret. “If only I’d been sitting by myself at that picnic table that day.
I was most days, you know? That’s where I liked to do my homework. Under that pretty tree.”
He moaned. “So, if I’d come on just about any other day…”
“I would’ve been alone right there, right where you saw me with Drake.”
“So many lost opportunities,” he mumbled, then turned to me. “So… where does this leave us?” His blue eyes were both serious and hopeful.