Chapter Nineteen
Harlyn
It was petty, and I was well aware of how petty it was, but I took pride in knowing that I meant something to Janene. I’d seen it in the jealous way she put her arm around me when I was talking to Jordan, but it was easy to explain that away as a bruised ego. I wasn’t sure what, if anything, her admission meant. She didn’t say anything more after I leaned in and kissed her to show her that we were okay. She changed the subject and asked me about my time in Texas since that was technically the space we were inhabiting.
When we boarded our flight, Janene took my hand and didn’t let go until we landed. I wanted to ask her what was different about what we were doing compared to what she’d been doing for years with all those other women. I wanted her to tell me that it had to mean this was more than sex. I hadn’t been able to sleep the previous night without her and that was crazy because there were plenty of nights over the last month and a half when I slept alone.
As much as I wanted to know more, I didn’t ask. I wasn’t sure what I would actually do with the declaration my wild imagination was craving. I had plans to leave Denver in another month, maybe sooner if I got that job with Linear. There was also the matter of Coreen. I wasn’t sure how to feel about the pain Janene obviously still felt for her. On one hand to know that she had that kind of loyalty to a woman she’d lost twenty- six years ago made her that much more attractive. On the other hand, the one that wasn’t a romantic, this revelation most likely meant that as much as I wanted to see where things might go, I was sure they would never go anywhere.
I pushed put those thoughts as far out of my mind as I could manage. In the here and now, Janene had said that I meant something to her. She meant something to me too and if I could never have her devotion the way Coreen had it, at the very least, I might still give her something she thought she’d lost forever. Even if she didn’t believe it, she deserved to be cared for and appreciated and I would prove it to her.
“You should go home, your mom’s been blowing up my phone, telling me she can’t wait for you to return,” Janene said as we stood by the luggage carrousel.
I had been trying to convince her that we should stop by her place before she took me home, but Janene was too level headed for that idea.
“But I’ve missed you,” I pouted. “Last night was so lonely.”
Janene stroked my cheek with her hand. “I know and I’m sorry, but we have to be careful when it comes to Renee.”
I pressed my forehead against hers. “How about tomorrow night? I’ll tell her that one of my old buddies wants to catch up. I can come over after work.”
She smiled at me in that way she has. The one with the head tilt that goes all the way to the pit of my stomach. I leaned in and kissed her. She didn’t pull away. Instead, she deepened the kiss, her tongue searching out mine.
“You’re not making it easy for me to go home,” I said.
“You’re not making it easy for me to send you home,” she said.
We kissed again and again until we decided that if we didn’t stop the entire airport would get a show.
My phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out to find a text from my mom. “I barely landed.” I whined as I threw my head back.
“Let me guess, Renee?”
I nodded and stuffed the phone back in my pocket.
“She’s just worried. Don’t ignore her, that will only make it worse.” Janene ran a finger across my chin one more time and then fetched the phone out of my pocket and handed it to me. “Tell her we just landed and that I’m going to drop you off as soon as we collect our luggage.”
“Can’t I tell her that the flight was delayed and that I’ll be home around three in the morning?”
Janene laughed. “Only if you want her to drive out here and wait for you.”
I shook my head. “Fine.”
When our luggage rounded the carousel, we went in search of Janene’s Jeep which she had insisted on leaving in long term parking.
“I hate waiting on a ride,” she’d said when she told me she was driving to the airport Saturday morning. “I’d rather just pay the fee.”
I hadn’t understood her logic because her fee was going to be insane but I was glad she’d left her vehicle at the airport and I was glad she was offering to drive me home. I wanted to get as much time with her before we went back to pretending that we were just friends.
When we pulled up in front of my mom’s house I had only one thought, that I was crazy for not having my own place. Of course, living with Renee had been the cheapest option, I just needed to chip in for the groceries from time to time, but more importantly, I wasn’t planning on staying in Denver long enough to ride out a yearlong lease. Now, things were different and the idea of having my own space was enticing especially since I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go to New York anymore.
Janene squeezed my hand when she came to a stop. There would be no good night kiss when I got down. She handed me my luggage and gave me a quick hug. That part sucked but we both knew my mom was most likely standing at the front window watching. It was too late at night to bring it up now, but I made a mental note to have a talk with Janene about our status and maybe even a plan for telling people about it. I wanted her to know that I was willing to give us a real shot if she was up for it.
Mom was sitting in the living room, when I walked in. Her eyes were focused on a newspaper that I knew she’d already read cover to cover that morning. She was pretending like she hadn’t just been on the lookout for Janene’s Jeep. Though, she hadn’t texted me again since I told her that Janene would be bringing me home.
“I’m home,” I said.
She looked up and smiled. “Hi baby girl. How was your trip?”
She didn’t charge at me from her seat as I expected her to do, she took her time folding the newspaper, setting it on the coffee table near her cup of tea which looked like it hadn’t been touched in hours, then she stood, straightened out her blouse and opened her arms for me to give her a hug. I could get used to this if she wasn’t careful.
“It was good, your typical boring business trip.”
She hugged me tight and then pulled back to look at me. “Are you tired? You must be tired after such a long weekend. I can fix you a little chamomile before you head off to bed. I assume you’re going to sleep in tomorrow and take the day to rest.”
“No,” I laughed. “Why would I do that? This is was a work trip. Madeline expects me in the office tomorrow to go over our next steps.”
“She must understand that you need time to rest and reset. I mean for God’s sake you were in a different time zone.”
“It was a two-hour difference, Mom. It’s not like I was in Europe. As a matter of fact, I’ve gained two hours. If I was in NYC, it would be almost midnight.”
“See, your body probably thinks it is. I wish you would tell Madeline to give you tomorrow off. This isn’t right. Did you tell her about your heart condition?”
“Mom, I don’t have a heart condition.”
“Well of course you do, you were my preemie,” she said as she took her seat again.
“I had, as in past tense, a small problem with my heart when I was born, it worked its way to normal by the time I was three. I hate when you do this.”
“Do what? Care about my daughter’s wellbeing? You look tired, like you haven’t been sleeping well. Maybe we should give Dr. Wilson a call in the morning.”
“Please stop treating me like I’m some delicate flower that will wilt at any moment. I’m fine. I’m healthy as can be. I will admit that I am tired. It has been a long day, but a good night’s rest will fix everything and I will go off into the big bad world once again tomorrow.”
Her mouth curled up on one side like she understood that I was not going to give in. I reached for my suitcase intending to go straight to bed after a quick shower but my phone buzzed. It was Janene. She was home.
I looked back at my mom who was watching me.
“Can I ask you a question,” I said.
“Of course.”
“What happened to Janene during Desert Storm?”
My mom’s eyes went wide. It was a trait we shared. Neither of us was ever any good at hiding our surprise.
“Why do you want to know?”
I let go of my suitcase and walked over to the sofa where she was sitting. If I wanted to help Jenene, I needed to know at least whatever my mother knew. I needed to understand why Janene felt so tortured by her past and by Coreen.
“Sometimes, there’s this faraway look that she gets and her eyes get really sad,” I said. “I know she was medically discharged from the military; I remember you telling me that, and I know that she went overseas during Desert Storm because I remember her medal ceremony, but I don’t remember much else. I’m just curious.”
Mom’s face shifted like she was upset. I knew that probing was risky and possibly painful for her but I hoped that she would talk to me like an adult instead of the child I was back then. She sat still for a long time and I started to wonder if maybe I shouldn’t have asked. Maybe it was too painful to talk about. If that was true, if she was having a hard time telling me what happened, that meant it would be ten times worse for Janene.
“Janene has issues, darling. She’s my friend yes, but I have to warn you to be careful.”
That was the first time I had ever heard my mother call her a friend and not her best friend. Even the way she said it seemed cold.
“She suffered a great trauma when she was overseas. Her mess hall was bombed during breakfast one morning. She wasn’t severely injured, but Coreen died in the attack. Janene has never recovered. She harbors some sort of guilt, who knows. I spent a lot of time with her after.” Mom took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I know she’s your boss and I know I pushed you to take that job but you have to be careful. I never expected you to work so closely with her. Did she do something to you during your trip? Did she hurt you? She can be volatile sometimes, especially when she gets angry or overly emotional. Maybe I shouldn’t have insisted that you take that internship.”
“No, Mom, nothing like that has ever happened. She’s been great, really.”
I couldn’t believe what my mom was saying. I had never seen the Janene my mother was describing. I’d been working with her for two months and had never seen her lose her temper, not at work, not while driving in terrible Denver traffic, not when we were alone. She had always been pretty mild with everyone.
“Just be vigilant honey,” she continued. “I’ve seen her fly off the handle before and it’s not pretty. I think that’s why she doesn’t do relationships. I feel sorry for some of those girls that get mixed up with her. I imagine she’s a smooth talker, probably promising things she won’t follow through with. Leading them to believe that there could be more than a fling and then dumping them, probably when they’re the most vulnerable.”
Renee was suddenly upset about the way Janene lived her life. For years she’d been compassionate, explaining Janene’s reputation as a way for her to protect herself. There were moments when Janene kept her distance when I was growing up, but I never got the impression that those absences had anything to do with anger issues or that Janene was the type to leave a trail of broken hearts. I knew she’d slept with a few of the women we worked with, I wasn’t blind to the looks she exchanged with certain people but there was never animosity. In the work place that would be hard to hide.
“I can’t imagine any woman she gets involved with not knowing in advance that Janene isn’t the commitment type.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. Even I knew that, but it didn’t mean that I hadn’t just made plans of a different kind only moments before. My phone buzzed again and a smile emerged on my face.
new plan for tomorrow
told madeline we’re taking the day off
come over to my place in the morning?
we can make up for lost snuggles
My heart fluttered. Someone who had no hope at all of being in a relationship wouldn’t want to spend the day snuggling.
“Well, I’m off to bed. I have a big day tomorrow. I’m sure Madeline is going to want a rundown of our trip,” I said to my mother.
Mom’s brow furrowed. I knew she hated the idea that I was a grown up with a real job. That’s why I was not going to be living with her for the rest of my life.