Chapter Twenty-Two
Janene
My trip to Texas was exhausting. My body ached like I hadn’t slept in two weeks. I was glad to be driving toward my apartment even though the empty seat to my right reminded me that I was going to be facing some of the toughest days to come. I knew being at home wasn’t going to fix the problem, just like being two states over didn’t either. The difference was being away made it easier to concentrate on my work, knowing I wasn’t going to run into those emerald green eyes every time I left my office.
The tradeoff was trying to keep Anabelle at bay. By the second day of the trip, I had to sit her down and draw a clear professional line between us. It made me sick, the way she looked at me. It was as if every smile I sent her way, every compliment I gave her on her work was a betrayal to Harlyn. I had to make it clear that I had no romantic intentions. We endured a few awkward days after that conversation but we made it work. We had a hotel renovation to design after all.
Once we were on track with the design, I couldn’t help but tally all the ways in which she wasn’t Harlyn. On a professional level, she wasn’t as good with Revit, her drawing skills weren’t as sharp, she wasn’t as willing to think outside the box. On a personal level, she was too self-involved. Of course, she was young, this was only her third year in undergrad and her first year as an intern but Harlyn was only five or six years older and she seemed to have all the finesse of a fully mature woman, even if I had told her otherwise.
I played our argument over and over in my head every night. The things I’d said to her were unforgiveable and yet I had several apology text messages and voicemails on my phone. I wasn’t ready for the heartache that awaited me, but I deserved it.
The moment I walked through my front door it hit me hard. I could see her standing near the sofa as I opened the front door and asked her to leave exactly two weeks before. The look on her face forever imprinted in my memory, like I’d taken a knife to her stomach.
I looked away from that spot but there was no place to escape to. Every space in that apartment held a memory of Harlyn, the kitchen, the living room, the dining room, the bedroom. My initial reaction was to turn around and flee. To find a hotel room for the night, but I deserved to suffer through those memories. I deserved to feel the hollow ache of loneliness.
I walked into the laundry room to put my things away and found Harlyn’s UT sweatshirt in my laundry basket. I went into the pantry and found a bag of Haribo gummy bears staring at me, left over from our last movie night. I crawled into bed and the memory of her tucked in next to me was vivid, made even more unbearable by the smell of her shampoo on my pillow. I forced myself to stay. I had to endure it because the next day I had to walk into the RedPrint Designs office building and pretend like none of this mattered. I had to look at her day after day for at least the remainder of her contract and act like she meant nothing to me. I had already contended with the fact that Harlyn would be moving on to another firm one day. It was the only reason I’d agreed to do as Renee asked.
I just hoped that two weeks had been enough time for Harlyn to understand that I was not good for her. That she deserved better. I wanted the last few days we had together to be pleasant. I wanted to see her smile one last time before I never got to see her again. Because once she left that office, once the offers started to roll in, she would be gone. At least that had been the plan, to give her a world filled with opportunity.
The next morning, I sat in my jeep and watched my office building. It was only 7:15. No one would be there yet, proved by the empty parking lot but I couldn’t get my feet to take me inside. I had put together a plan: arrive early, get lost in my work, not leave my office unless absolutely necessary. I’d give her the last two days of the week to adjust to my presence again and then the following week I’d attempt small talk, work related conversation. I had washed my hands of the only project we’d worked on together and she was now working with Madline. It was a solid plan.
I opened the door and forced myself to walk inside. I slid behind my desk but all I could think about was how sexy Harlyn had looked on my desk our first time together and how she’d straddled me in my chair during an impromptu make out session when we were on our lunch break one day. I turned away from my desk to find her sprawled out across my sofa, her lower lip caught between her teeth as she looked through the papers in her hand. I blinked and she vanished. I looked toward my drawing table and caught a glimpse of her smiling at me as she sat there, my drawing tools in her hands. I drove my palms into my eyes. Maybe I needed a vacation or the sabbatical I should have taken six weeks ago. I made a note on a post it: rearrange/redecorate office.
I hadn’t heard from Renee in two weeks but I couldn’t help the feeling that she was somehow still watching my every move. I was fine to never speak to her again after what she’d done but without her, I would never know where Harlyn was or how she was doing. It was almost like losing Coreen all over again. I should have been more careful. I should have known Renee would show up at the airport to collect Harlyn. I pulled out my phone and opened up the message thread I had with Renee. I pressed play on the video and reminded myself that this was all for the best. Renee was right. I was too old for Harlyn. I didn’t have anything to offer her but a bunch of battle scars, I would only hold her back.
“Big conference room in ten,” Misty said over the intercom on my phone. “Big boss is requesting everyone be there.”
“Thanks.” I replied.
I wondered if I might be able to get out of whatever meeting was about to take place. It was probably a birthday celebration. I hated those. They always seemed to take up so much of my day.
As if reading my mind, Misty added, “Big boss said it’s required. You can’t get out of this one.”
“Do we know what it’s about?”
“One of the interns is leaving, maybe a farewell?”
I knew Anabelle was planning to extend her internship until the end of the year. She’d laid out her plans during our trip. She was going to take some time off when the fall semester ended and then continue with AXP next summer. The farewell had to be for Colby. When I left for Texas, he was still undecided but leaning toward taking the semester off, that was why he’d given up the Texas client. Madeline hadn’t said anything to me about it, but I also hadn’t checked my email in three days. She always took care of these things, I just showed up.
For a brief moment I panicked that it might be Harlyn. She’d officially completed all of her hours and was now licensed so she could look for a permanent employer. If we were going to keep her, we would have to offer her a job soon, but I couldn’t see her staying. Not when she had her old boss asking her to return to the place that made her the happiest. I knew it couldn’t be Harlyn though, she wouldn’t leave her contract before it was officially complete. She had one week left. I had one week left to get her to forgive me. To at least consider the possibility that we might remain friends. I made a mental note to add an inquiry about her status to the agenda for my next partner’s meeting.
The conference room was overrun by the time I made my way there. I was hoping to hide out at the back of the room, go unnoticed for as long as I could. That was until I saw Harlyn. She was on the other side of the room, immersed in a conversation with Colby. Whatever they were discussing was serious. Her forehead was furrowed like she was receiving news she couldn’t believe. I wondered if he was telling her that he was planning to leave. She put on a small smile. The one she reserved for her friends. It was genuine but not an excited smile. She spread her arms wide and they hugged. That’s how I knew it was Colby that was leaving us. Relief flooded my mind with that confirmation.
Madeline cleared her throat to get everyone’s attention and Harlyn turned toward us. Our eyes met for the smallest moment. I could see her surprise; she hadn’t planned to make eye contact. I turned away. Giving my full attention to Madeline.
“If I can have everyone’s attention, I won’t take too much of your time.” The room went quiet. “I have some great news and some not-so-great news. I’m going to start with the less than great news because well, I hate ending a meeting on a sad note. Though this news is sad for us, it is not for him. Colby will be leaving us at the end of the day today. He asked me not to make a big deal over it, but what can I say, I hate losing great interns. So, to Colby I say, good luck in your future, may our lives cross paths again but may it be because we are outbidding you on a project.”
It was a cheesy line Madeline said every time an intern left our company. It always garnered a chuckle, especially from the person leaving.
“We have a cake for you.” I looked over and saw Misty place a cake at the center of the table. “And we will all jump in to enjoy it in just a minute but first I have some additional news to share. Thanks to the genius brain power that is my business partner Janene and our summer interns Harlyn and Colby, we have acquired the Mount Sinai hospital project!”
Everyone hooped and hollered. Madeline pulled out a bottle of champagne that I had not seen before and let the fizzy drink poor out over cups that Misty was passing out.
My eyes wanted to find Harlyn. I wanted to see if she was happy that we’d pulled off that presentation or if it was too much of a reminder of our past but I didn’t. I knew I needed to give her a moment in the spotlight without tainting it. I imagined she was surrounded by colleagues giving their congratulations.
“Speech!” someone yelled out.
“Yes, speech!” some else said.
“Any wise words?” Madeline said turning to me.
I put on my most winning smile. “You all know I’m not the best with words,” I said.
“Come on,” Madeline added. “Just a few words about how great it feels to have landed such a big project.”
I nodded. “Okay. Does everyone have a glass?” I lifted my glass in the air. “We took a hell of a risk going after a job that companies, two and three times our size were after. But in the end, it came down to talent. We have it and no one else does!” I raised my glass higher. “We have nowhere else to go but up.”
Everyone cheered as they drank from their champagne. I looked over in Harlyn’s direction to give her a boss’s job well done nod but she wasn’t there. I looked around the room. She was gone.
I spent the entire next day avoiding the breakroom, the intern’s conference room, the bathroom and every other common area I could think of, just to enter my partner’s meeting with Madeline and hear her say, “Well we’re down two interns now. We should start looking for a fall crew.”
“Which two interns left?”
I already knew the answer. The way Harlyn snuck out of the conference room had left a sick feeling in my stomach.
“Colby and Harlyn,” she said as if I should know that.
“When were you going to tell me that Harlyn was leaving?”
I’d taken the day to catch up on my emails and found one that said Colby was leaving but there had not been anything about Harlyn.
Madeline looked like she was confused. “She was offered a job with Linear Design Group, New York, and she took it. Didn’t she tell you?”
“Obviously not,” I yelled. “Did you even try to get her to stay!”
Madeline didn’t reply.
“This is bullshit!” I said as I stood to leave.
“She asked me not to tell anyone. She said she was going to tell you.”
I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like I was going to suffocate without Harlyn in the office. Even if she didn’t talk to me at least I knew she was there.
“You can’t do this. You can’t make a decision like that without me!”
“What are you talking about?” Madeline asked.
“You let her go.”
“I didn’t fire her. She left.”
Because of you , that was the way I finished her statement in my head. She left because of you .
“Fuck you, Madeline. I quit!”
I walked out of her office slamming her door behind me and then mine after I collected my bag. I needed to find her before she flew off to New York.
I pounded on the door to Renee’s house. After everything I had sacrificed, Renee hadn’t even bothered to tell me that Harlyn was leaving.
“Where is she?” I yelled at Renee as she opened the door. “Harlyn!” I yelled past her. “I need to talk to you. Please.”
“She’s not here,” Renee said. There was no fight left in her. She stepped aside and motioned for me to enter. “You can come in and look if you want.”
I marched inside and straight to Harlyn’s room. It was empty. Completely stripped of everything except the desk next to her window. I opened up her closet and found empty hangers.
“She’s gone,” Renee whispered from the doorway. “I came home and found this.” She lifted a single key.
“You did this!” I said slamming my hand against the wall. “You pushed and pushed and pushed until she had nowhere else to go!”
“This is not my fault!” Renee yelled. “I had everything under control until you came along!”
“Under control? She’s not a toy.”
“Says the woman who used her like a cheap whore. Don’t stand there and tell me you gave a shit about her. I know you. I know how self-centered you are. I was the one that Coreen confided in when you became unbearable. With all your rules about who she could talk to and where she could go.”
“I was protecting her.”
“You were smothering her. And when she needed you the most? Where were you then? Was I supposed to sit around and let you do the same thing to Harlyn?”
My entire body went cold. Those words were hard to hear but she was right. I had failed to protect Harlyn. I had failed to defend her, to stand up for the things that were important to her. What else was she supposed to do if not protect herself.
I pushed past Renne and started toward the door.
“I’m sorry,” Renee cried. “I didn’t mean that.”
“Yes, you did. And you’re not wrong. I’m to blame. I’m the reason we lost both of them. Harlyn was not just another notch on my bedpost.”
“I know,” Renne said. “Please don’t go. I need your help. She’s, my baby.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. She’s a grown woman and neither of us were able to recognize that. Maybe it’s better that she got away from us. She gets to follow her dreams. Make decisions for herself. She loves New York,” my voice shook. “It suits her, it makes her smile, it makes her happy in a way that neither of us could.”
“Janene, please.”
I shook my head and walked away.