Chapter 41
forty-one
Josh
It’s raining.
Because of course it is. Because nothing about this is normal or chill or perfect. Not that anything about me has ever been any of those things, especially when it comes to Kate.
I’m soaked to the bone, standing on her dad’s porch, holding my phone in one hand and a mostly empty duffel bag in the other because—shocker—I didn’t think this all the way through.
I didn’t bring an umbrella. I didn’t bring a suitcase.
I barely remembered shoes. I just signed the papers and got on a plane.
Because I can’t do this anymore.
It’s been three weeks since the tour ended and I had to watch her board a plane.
Twenty-one days, six hours, and…fuck it, I’m not doing the rest of the math.
The point is, every second without her has felt like I’m living underwater.
I’m smiling through interviews and songwriting sessions while my lungs burn and scream for air.
I left the best thing that’s ever happened to me in a different time zone and pretended that everything was okay.
But it’s not okay. I miss her. I miss the way she makes fun of me when I leave my clothes on the floor.
I miss the sound of her toothbrush tapping the sink.
I miss feeling her tucked into my side like she was made to fit there.
I miss leaving her little notes and seeing the smile that lights up her face when she finds them.
I miss how quiet it is in my head when she’s around.
I thought I could handle it. I thought I could be strong. That monthly visits and video calls would be enough.
But they’re not.
I raise a shaking fist and knock on the door.
The porch light flips on and I flinch like I’ve just been caught doing something illegal, which honestly, I might be, but whatever. I didn’t think to pack underwear, so I definitely didn’t think to look up trespassing laws in Tennessee.
The door creaks open and there she is.
“Kate,” I say as all the air leaves my lungs on an exhale that’s dramatic as fuck.
I thought I knew what it meant to miss her, but standing here now and seeing her in front of me, I realize I’ve been lying to myself.
I haven’t been missing her. I’ve been aching for her.
A bone-deep, soul-level, punch-to-the-gut kind of ache.
She’s wearing leggings and my hoodie and looking at me like I’ve lost my goddamn mind.
Which is fair.
“Josh?” she asks, blinking rapidly and sounding confused, like maybe I’m just a figment of her imagination.
I drop my bag and it lands with a wet slap beside my feet. “Hi.”
She blinks again. “What are you doing here?”
“I sold my house.”
Her eyebrows shoot up. “What?”
“My house. In L.A. It’s gone. I called my realtor three days ago and told him to list it. It sold yesterday.”
“Josh—”
“I can’t do it, Kate.” My voice breaks and I don’t even care. “I can’t go another night without you. I can’t keep lying and saying I’m fine when I’m miserable and my head is loud and my bed is cold and nothing smells like you.”
She hasn’t moved, but I watch the knuckles on her hand turn white as her grip on the door tightens.
“I want mornings with you. I want to make you coffee and kiss your neck and watch stupid romantic comedies. I want you stealing all the covers and reminding me to put pants on before I leave. I want to get on that stage and look out into the crowd knowing you’re out there looking back at me, and when I come off it and go home, I want every domesticatedly normal moment this life has to offer—as long as they’re with you. ”
Kate’s eyes shine with unshed tears, and mine follow suit.
“I know this is insane and fast and not how normal people do things, but I’m not normal. I’m me. And I love you so goddamn much that it’s physically painful to be away from you.”
I take a breath.
“So…I’m here to ask if you want to move in with me.
Well, I guess technically, since I’m homeless, I’m asking if I can move in with…
your dad. Fuck, I…I didn’t think this through.
” I laugh nervously and run a hand through my dripping hair, jumping back when the door opens all the way and Kate’s dad appears behind her.
“Excuse me?” he says. His voice is deep and intimidating and Jesus Christ, the guy is huge. He towers over me, and I swallow so loud I’m sure the neighbors can hear it over the pouring rain. “You want to move in here?”
“Yes,” I say, cringing when my voice comes out all high and squeaky.
I quickly clear my throat and keep talking like the idiot I am.
“If you’ll have me, Daddy.” Kate claps a hand over her mouth to hold back her laughter.
“Shit, I—I mean Dad. I mean Mr. Martin. Sir. And if not, I’ll…
go.” I hike a thumb over my shoulder. “I’ll figure something else out.
But, Kate, please,” I say, turning my attention back to her.
“For the love of god, tell me I’m not the only one who’s been losing my mind. ”
There’s a beat of silence where she just stares at me, as the rain drips off my stupid curls and the world holds its breath.
Then she steps forward and launches herself at me. Her arms wrap around my neck, and her legs wrap around my waist. I bury my face in her neck, and when I breathe her in, it feels like the first real breath I’ve taken in three weeks.
I’ve traveled the world, but being wrapped in her arms is the only place that’s ever felt like home.
She pulls back to look at me and I kiss her. Hard and deep and—
A throat is cleared behind us and we pull apart. My eyes go wide when I remember that Kate’s giant of a father is standing in the doorway watching me play tonsil hockey with his daughter on his front porch. God damn it. I am totally not making a good first impression.
Kate’s legs hit the ground in front of me, and she turns back to her father.
“Dad, this is Josh,” she says, tucking herself under my arm. I put my hand up and wiggle my fingers in a stupid little wave because I don’t know what the fuck else to do, and Kate snorts a laugh before placing her hand over mine and lowering it to my side.
“You don’t say,” her dad deadpans. I fight a smile as I finally see where she got her sense of humor from. “Now that he’s here, does that mean you’re done moping?”
Kate huffs. “Dad, oh my god—”
“What? You’ve been walking around like a ghost.” He shifts his focus from her to me. “Moving in together?” he asks, raising an eyebrow. “Big move.”
I shrug. “Big love.”
There’s a pause before he smiles. “Cheesy, but I’ll allow it.”
Kate covers her face with both hands, but she’s smiling. Her dad doesn’t say much else, just gives me one of those brief but meaningful nods.
The one that says, I’m watching you. Don’t fuck it up.