Chapter 22
Ispent the Saturday after the holiday at the beach with Max.
It was hazy, a bit cooler on this side of the island with the wind careening around the sandy, burnt orange cliffs.
We spread out a blanket, and he knelt behind me to rub sunscreen onto my back, taking his time, and leaning over me to kiss my cheek when he finished.
We read our books for a while—a romance novel for me, a business-y nonfiction book for him.
Then Max asked if I wanted to go for a walk along the shore.
I was unintentionally quiet at first, lost in an idea that the book I was reading had sparked.
The two main characters begin at odds with each other—it was a rivals-to-lovers romance—until one day the male main character reveals something personal about himself that makes the female main character soften toward him.
I needed a moment like that for the characters in my story.
I looked down at the sand, watching the frothy water slip over the tops of our feet before being sucked back out into the ocean, considering what personal detail my main character could reveal to make the SEC investigator see her in a new light.
“I think this is my favorite summer yet.” While I was looking at the sand, Max was looking at me.
I smiled. “Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah.” He squeezed my hand. “My life was just going along, linear, boring, and then all of a sudden, there you were. Like a shooting star landed right in front of me.”
A giddy, bubbly feeling filled me, and I tilted my head to grin at him. He was so sweet. I didn’t feel like I deserved it.
How’d you know? I wanted to ask. You didn’t know anything about me yet… But I left those questions unspoken. Instead, I pulled his face down to mine and kissed his lips. He’d shaved that morning, and it always made his lips feel super soft.
“I’m having a great summer, too,” I whispered.
On our way back to the Edgartown side of the island from the beach, I knew the moment I got service back because my phone vibrated several times in my bag. I took it out to check.
Luke
Hey Val, I’m sorry to ask, but any chance you’re free this evening? My parents are leaving in a few hours and Jeremiah and I got a last-minute opportunity for a dinner meeting with a potential new client. No worries if not, I know it’s a Saturday and I’m sure you have plans.
I rolled my lips through my teeth. Two of Max’s friends from business school were on the island this weekend, and he’d invited me to join them for dinner tonight.
I felt torn. What would Luke do if he couldn’t find someone to watch Luna?
Luke had mentioned that Jeremiah’s wife Francesca watched Luna sometimes, but she was probably working an event tonight.
He’d likely just have Jeremiah take the meeting.
Jeremiah would do a great job, I had no doubt, but I had enough experience with client interactions to know it would be infinitely better if they were both there.
Hopefully Max wouldn’t mind if his dinner with his friends was just a guys’ night.
Val
What time should I come over?
Luke responded immediately.
Luke
6:30? Reservation is at 7. Thank you so much. You’re a lifesaver.
Val
I just hope Luna didn’t get too far ahead of me in Magic Tree House. I wanna know what happens.
He replied with a bunch of laughing emojis. My stomach filled with excitement. Luna and I could eat dinner on the deck, watch a show, do some reading, and then I’d probably have an hour to write before Luke got home.
When we got back to Max’s apartment, I said, “I actually can’t make it to dinner tonight. Luke needs someone to watch Luna last minute.”
Irritation flashed across his face. “Seriously?”
“Yeah, he has a client dinner.”
Max’s lips pressed into a thin line.
I felt the need to justify it further. “He usually pays me time and a half when I work off-hours. I thought you wouldn’t mind because now tonight can just be a guys’ thing with your friends?”
Max blew a breath out through his teeth. “Okay,” he said, resigned. “I still don’t understand why you took that job this summer. Aren’t you still getting a check from the firm?”
For now.
“I am, but I guess I didn’t want to be dependent on it. I wanted to have the option to extend the leave, even if it was unpaid, or…” My body urged me to hold back.
“Or what?”
I took a deep breath, steeling myself. “Or…if I quit altogether, I’ll need money for health insurance and living costs. I don’t want to plow through my savings.”
Max nodded, brow furrowed somewhere between surprise and concern. “I didn’t know you were considering quitting altogether.”
“I know. I’m still not sure what I want to do.” Even as I said it, it felt like a lie. “I just wanted to have options, if that makes sense.”
“It does.” His lip quirked up and his eyes softened. “I just wish it didn’t mean I got to spend less time with you. I’m greedy when it comes to you.” As he said it, he reached for me.
I closed the gap between us and let him wrap his arms around my waist. Does this mean he’d be cool with it if I quit? I decided not to ask.
Nine more days until July 15th. I sighed into Max’s shoulder. The truth was, I knew what I wanted to do. I just wasn’t sure if I had the courage to go through with it.
Luna filled me in on the rest of her time with her grandparents, how much candy they got at the parade, and their trip to the Flying Horses Carousel, over macaroni and cheese on the deck.
After dinner we watched a Disney show and got through two chapters of Magic Tree House before she fell asleep.
I tiptoed downstairs, got my laptop and a glass of wine, lit a sea salt-scented candle, and set up at Luke’s kitchen table. For some unknown reason, I always got the most writing done here—on his deck or at this table.
The more layers of my characters I pulled back, the more convinced I was that they’d be good together, romantically.
I was starting to love the idea that their meet-cute happened because he was investigating her.
After a scene break, I dove into the conversation where she tells him how hard she worked to put herself through school and he begins to soften toward her.
I’d been writing more than usual the last few days, bringing my laptop with me into Mimi’s living room when she watched the news at night.
I felt like I was running out of time, and I hated it.
After I got up to refill my water and wine glasses, unwelcome thoughts about my return-to-work date seeped in, distracting me from my characters’ story. Dread formed a rock in my stomach.
I didn’t want to go back. I could ask my therapist to sign a note recommending an extension, but even that thought provided no relief. I didn’t want a date looming.
I wanted to be done.
But how would I explain it? To my friends, my family, my old coworkers. Max.
The conversation played out in my mind: I’m quitting this career I’ve been dedicated to for almost ten years, if you include school, to try my hand at writing. In the meantime, I’m a babysitter.
I slumped into the back of the chair. I could feel their judgment already.
“What’s on your mind?”
I gasped, my hand slamming into my chest. Luke’s large frame cast a shadow on the table.
“Oh, um. I don’t know,” I said softly once I caught my breath.
His eyebrow rose skeptically. “C’mon Val, you were so absorbed in your thoughts, staring into space, you didn’t even hear me come in. Unless there’s a ghost in that corner of the room you can see that I can’t? Are you a medium?”
His joke cut through my melancholy and a laugh released from my throat. “Okay, fine.” I sucked in air, holding it in my chest for a moment before spilling my thoughts in a stream. “I’m upset because…I only have nine days to decide if I’m going back to work. And…” I took a breath and looked at him.
His open expression urged me to continue.
“When I took this babysitting job I was just hedging, I wanted the concept of flexibility, but I still assumed I’d return to the firm, if not in mid-July then after a brief extension.
But now I’m thinking thank god I did hedge because I actually don’t want to go back.
At all. I don’t want to make those sacrifices anymore.
I want to have time for other things. I didn’t like the person that job made me into.
I’m just starting to feel like myself again… ”
When I looked at him this time, he was biting the inside of his cheek, fighting a smile that’d already reached his eyes.
I blew out my breath as all the needling insecurities rushed in, just like they always did when I thought I’d made up my mind.
“But I know everyone is going to ask me what I’m going to do instead, and I don’t know how to answer.
Max called my writing a hobby.” My voice cracked slightly on the word ‘hobby.’ Why did that word bother me so much?
I gave Luke a small, one-shoulder shrug.
He opened his mouth but closed it again without speaking, as if he could tell that wasn’t it.
So I continued. “I know that’s how everyone will think about it.
And I’m embarrassed to be pursuing this pipe dream that I have no relevant experience to do.
People from my prior life will think it’s dumb.
A waste of my education and work experience.
A silly flight of fancy that will never work out.
I just…” I swallowed, lowering my voice to a whisper.
“I don’t even want to tell anyone else.”
Luke nodded, his arms crossed in front of his chest, biceps straining the fabric of his button-down shirt.
“You don’t know until you try, right? And knowing you, you’ll need to try your absolute best, make the writing the best it can be.
And that’s going to take time and a lot of believing in yourself. I say go for it.”
I gaped at him. “Really?”