17. Miles
“Don’t make this harder for yourself.”
That’s what she said. For myself. As if this isn’t fucking hurting her, too.
I know it is. I can see it in every part of her that she’s trying to hide from me.
The way her shoulders are tense, the way her fingers keep twisting together like she’s trying to hold herself steady, the way those tears are gathering in her eyes but she refuses to let them fall.
Those eyes. Those fucking copper eyes that pulled me in from the moment I looked into them
I still remember the first time I saw her. How I couldn't look away. How something about her felt different before I even knew her name.
And now she’s standing in front of me telling me to leave. She can keep telling herself this isn't hurting her, that walking away is easier. But I know she’s lying and hurting just as much as I am.
“Why won’t you just let me talk to you about this?” My voice comes out rougher than I expected, emotion laced in every word. “Why do you keep shutting me out?”
For a moment, she doesn’t answer, looking everywhere except at me. Like if she avoids looking at me long enough, maybe she won't have to see how badly this is affecting me.
I watch the thoughts move across her expression as she turns my question over in her head. I know Maddie and the way she gets quiet when she’s fighting her own mind. The way she tries to find the safest answer instead of the honest one.
Finally she looks back at me.
“Because, Miles, what you did wasn’t right. I was keeping secrets for a reason, and you decided that wasn’t good enough for you. I need you to go. Please delete my number. Don’t come here again.”
“Maddie, pleas—”
“No.”
Before I can find the right words, before I can explain that I wasn’t trying to hurt her, she steps forward and places her hands against my chest. Not violently or with anger, which makes this so much fucking worse.
She’s pushing me away because she thinks she has to.
I stumble back with every step she takes, and then the door is closing, and all I see is her back as she walks away.
For a second, all I see is everything I’m about to lose. Her. Us. The only person who has ever made me feel like I wasn’t a complete fuck up.
Before the door shuts, I see the tear that she had been fighting finally slip free. Then the door is closed between us and all I can do is just stand there, staring at the wood like I can somehow see her through it.
Like if I wait long enough, she’ll come walking back through it. But she doesn’t.
I drop my head against the door, my fists clenching at my sides.
“MADDIE!” My voice cracks. “Please! Don’t do this to us.”
The anger boils up inside me, impossible to control now. I can feel the heat in my chest as I pound my fist against the door, helpless to do anything but feel the rage building.
I hear her on the other side, just beyond that inch of wood, the only thing separating me from the one person I’ve ever truly connected with.
She’s crying and I want nothing but to hold her and wipe her tears from her eyes.
I want to kiss her and wrap her hair around my fist until she remembers that no matter what happens, what mistakes are made, I’ll be here for her.
I want to protect her from the demons of her past, but she won’t let me. She won’t let me in.
“There is no us. There never was.” Her voice cracks and I slide down the door until I’m sitting on the floor. A few seconds later, I hear her do the same thing on the other side.
And there we are, two people who want the same thing but are too broken to reach for it. Separated by a fucking door.
I’ve been sitting at her door for ten minutes, listening to her silent tears as she cried against her door, before I finally get up and walk away. I’m going to fix this. I’m going to find whoever this fucking guy is and get rid of him. I won’t let this piece of shit from her past keep her from me.
I walk through the courtyard of the college on my way to my Jeep when I feel searing eyes on the back of my head.
Almost as if there’s a laser pointed straight at me.
It’s burning straight through me and yet, it’s sending ice all down my spine.
I stop where I’m at, trying to sense where exactly it’s coming from.
I turn to my left and look straight at the trees that line the courtyard.
The trees lining the walkway sway in the wind, their branches moving against the dark sky.
It’s silent out here, aside from the whistling wind and the single car that pulls into the parking lot across the way, its headlights sweeping over the pavement. A door shuts and I see a familiar face walking in my direction.
Fucking great.
Izzi walks up to me and grabs me by my jacket, a drunken smile already plastered across her face. “Hey baby, you here to see me? Finally tired of your little friend you’ve been dragging around?”
The smell hits me before anything else, stinging my nose, making my eyes water.
I pull her hands away. “Jesus fucking Christ, Izzi. How much have you had to drink?”
“Enough to forget about your friend,” she laughs and steps closer, “and bring you back up to my room.”
Her fingers curl into my jacket again, tugging me toward her. I immediately push her away from me, and she stumbles back, looking offended.
“What the fuck is your problem, Miles?!”
“You, Isabella! You’re my fucking problem. This thing that we had is over. So whatever you thought was happening tonight, forget it. Go upstairs and sleep off whatever you had to drink. I’m done.”
I turn towards my Jeep when she starts cussing me out from where I left her.
I ignore her. I’m almost to my car when her hand wraps around my arm. I turn, ready to pull away, but before I can she throws her arms around my neck and presses her lips against mine. Disgust hits me instantly and I shove her off, her ass promptly hitting the ground.
I wipe my mouth with my sleeve, trying to get rid of the taste, and even spit to get rid of the lingering sensation. My eyes dart up to Maddie’s dorm window, just in time to see the curtains shift.
Did she see Izzi kiss me?
Fuck.
“You son of a bitch!” Izzi screams at me and I stalk over to where she lies on the ground. I kneel in front of her and grab the front of her shirt, pulling her up just enough that she has no choice but to look at me.
“I’m only going to warn you this one time, Isabella. If you ever speak of Maddie the way you do, and if you ever fucking touch me again, I will end you. Do you understand me?”
For once, she has nothing to say. She’s without a doubt frozen in fear, and she fucking should be. I’ve never spoken to her like this or grabbed her the way I am before in our lives. Nevertheless, she nods her head in agreement and I drop her.
She scrambles to her feet, stumbling backward, then spits right in my direction. She clearly was trying to aim for me, but in her drunken state, she misses. I chuckle at how pathetic she is and watch her walk into her dorm building.
I look back up at Maddie’s window and see the curtains are still. She definitely fucking saw us.
Whatever, the damage is already done. She doesn’t want to see me again, anyway.
And now she has another reason not to believe me.
I finally get to my Jeep and pull my phone out of my back pocket. I stare at the screen for a long time. I know what I’m about to do is a huge fucking mistake, but desperation does something to people.
And right now? Yeah, I'm fucking desperate.
Me: Hey. Can you get me some of that stuff you wanted me to try at that party?
Chase: You know it brother. Swing by my place and I’ll hook you up.
It’s been a month since I’ve seen her. Thirty-one fucking days.
I’ve counted every single one of them. I’m losing my mind and these pills only numb so much before the ache comes crawling back in.
Every week, I tell myself I’m only buying enough to get through a few more days.
And every week, I end up right back at Chase’s place with another wad of cash in my pocket and another excuse on my tongue.
Between the new security cameras I installed around my place, the pills I’ve been buying off Chase, and the ridiculous amount of beer I’ve gone through this month, I’m honestly surprised I have any money left.
The cameras haven't caught shit, the pills haven't made me forget, and the beer really only helps me finally fall asleep. None of it fixes the only thing that’s actually wrong.
I didn’t do what she asked. I never deleted her number.
Hell, I couldn't even bring myself to delete our messages. I’ve texted her every fucking day for the past month.
Some days it’s a simple “Good morning,” other days it's paragraphs—apologies, explanations, promises that I know she’ll never read because she still hasn’t answered a single one.
If someone looked through my phone, they’d think I was fucking insane.
A month’s worth of one sided conversations.
A lot of blue bubbles with no replies. I’ve never felt more pathetic, but I can’t stop.
What if tomorrow is the day she finally answers?
What if she’s just waiting for me to prove I’m not giving up?
The thought is probably bullshit, but it’s enough to keep my thumbs pressing against the keyboard every morning.
God, I fucking miss her.
No, that doesn't even come close to describing it. She’s everywhere. She’s all I ever think about. She’s the first thing I think about when I wake up, reaching across the bed before I remember she was only ever beside me once. The mattress is cold every morning, but my body still searches for her.
She's with me in the shower, when I close my eyes and remember the way she tasted, the way she trembled beneath my hands, the soft sounds she’d make just for me. Sometimes I jerk myself off to the memory, chasing something I can never quite recreate.
She’s there when I'm driving, when I’m in class, when I’m lying awake at three in the morning staring at the damn ceiling.