Chapter 26 Angeni Luna
Angeni Luna
Angeni hated this hospital. The last time she’d been here had been for Freya’s birth.
The baby’s heart decelerations had everyone so worried, the midwife had insisted on a transfer.
Angeni trusted that all would be fine, and it was, but not before so much unnecessary panic and talk of a C-section.
She’d delivered Freya vaginally, by sheer will.
She’d manifested it. Her body had known what it had to do.
This hospital stay was just as traumatic.
When she’d first arrived, she’d been too out of it to protest an overnight stay.
She’d had a crushing headache and vomited a handful of times.
Erik said she’d been slurring, which was especially alarming because she’d thought she was speaking perfectly fine.
After he left, she fell asleep, only to be awakened for more scans. She fell asleep again, and when she opened her eyes, it was morning, and she felt well enough to panic about having spent the night away from Freya.
It was just past five in the morning when she texted Erik.
Is Freya OK? I have to get out of here. Can you come?
While she waited for him to respond, a nurse came in, and she couldn’t resist passing on the same message to him.
“I have to get out of here,” she said to him.
He was tapping away at the little computer on wheels. He looked over the top of it, met her eyes.
“Excuse me?”
“I have to get out of here,” she repeated. “When are they letting me out?”
“I don’t know, ma’am.”
Ma’am. This nurse was so baby-faced, couldn’t have been more than twenty-five.
“I have a baby at home,” she said.
His eyes got big and wide. “Alone?”
She sighed. “She’s not alone, but she’s not with me.”
Angeni couldn’t help but think about the potential physiological effects of babies being separated from their mothers. There was likely so much cortisol coursing through Freya right now. She hadn’t nursed in more than twenty-four hours; she must be howling with hunger, nearing desperation.
“It looks like the doctor will be doing rounds in a couple hours and will go over your scans with you then,” the baby-face said.
“A couple hours?”
“That’s when Dr. Sanger does rounds,” he said.
“Did you not hear me? I have a baby. At home.”
He nodded. He didn’t understand. It was possible he would never understand, would walk into a future as a father who had no concept of what parenthood required. People like him were the problem—people who did not take nurturing seriously.
A woman in pink scrubs appeared in the doorway.
“Is everything okay in here?”
The woman looked from Angeni to the nurse, concern all over her face.
Had Angeni been yelling? It was possible she’d been yelling.
She told herself to breathe—in for four, hold, out for four, hold.
Repeat. She had to stay composed. She was Angeni Luna.
Her persona was reliant upon her being tranquil.
A public outburst could destroy her. Cancel culture was alive and well.
“I just wanted to know when I can go home,” she said, forcing herself to smile and emit the peaceful calm people expected of her.
“Dr. Sanger will see you on his rounds, and if all’s good, we’ll discharge,” she said.
The male nurse nodded emphatically, like I told you so, and then they both left.
Erik arrived before Dr. Sanger. He looked exhausted.
She doubted he’d slept at all—her poor husband, sick with worry.
He insisted Freya was fine. They’d given her enough chicken-liver paté to hold her over.
Angeni didn’t believe Freya was fine, though.
Even if she’d managed to take in enough calories, which wasn’t likely, she would have missed the connection of nursing.
She would have missed her mother. Erik wouldn’t tell Angeni if Freya wasn’t fine, though.
He wouldn’t want to cause her more distress. The truth was waiting for her at home.
When Dr. Sanger came, he told them that her scans were clear.
“No bleeding or swelling. No structural issues with the brain. All bloodwork is normal too.”
“So I can go?” Angeni asked.
“You can go,” he said. “Just rest, take it easy for a few days. Then you can gradually resume normal activities.”
As if any mother worth anything could take it easy for a few days.
Erik was quiet on the drive home, which only made Angeni worry more about Freya. She started to bite her fingernails, something she hadn’t done in years.
“You okay?” Erik asked her.
“I’m worried about Freya.”
“She’s fine. I promise.”
“I need to see for myself.”
She stuffed her hands underneath her thighs so she would stop gnawing on her nails. She bit her lip instead.
“I’m sure it was hard being at the hospital,” Erik said, “but you’re out of there now. We’ll get you home and back to normal.”
Normal. Angeni had forgotten what that was. Nothing had felt normal lately.
“We’ll probably have to do a post on Instagram,” Erik said. “When you’re up for it, I mean.”
The regular schedule of her Instagram posts hadn’t even crossed Angeni’s mind. She had been thinking only about Freya. And despite all attempts not to, she’d been thinking about that letter.
You Should Be Charged With Murder.
She couldn’t mention the letter to Erik because he didn’t know why it would be so unsettling.
He didn’t know what had happened with her mother all those years ago.
It had to have been Aurora who’d sent it.
But why? What would be the purpose of bringing it up now?
Was she tired of carrying their secret? Was she that resentful of Sitka?
Angeni thought back to when Erik had come into their lives, how worried Aurora had been about losing importance in Angeni’s life.
“People will worry about you,” Erik said.
Angeni didn’t know what he was referring to, her thoughts elsewhere. “What?”
“People. Online. They’re going to wonder where you are, why you haven’t posted.”
“I can’t think about that right now.”
“I know. I’m sorry. Just trying to get ahead of it.”
“Of what?”
“Gossip. Drama. Anyway, forget it.”
When he sighed, it wasn’t just exhaustion, but something else. Defeat, despair.
Sitka and Freya were standing on the front porch when Erik and Angeni pulled into the driveway.
At the sight of her baby, Angeni unbuckled her seat belt and started to rise, not caring that the car was still in motion.
Her baby needed her. Her breasts started to swell and tingle, preparing for their duty.
But as she came closer, she saw that Freya was not in any distress at all.
She was smiling as Sitka bounced her in her arms. Angeni was overcome with a profound mixture of relief and sorrow at this.
Her baby was fine, just as Erik had said.
Her baby was seemingly unaffected by the sudden absence of her mother.
Angeni opened the car door and sprinted toward Freya. She still felt woozy and awkward on her feet, but she had to get to her daughter. Freya squealed with reassuring delight as Angeni reached for her and hugged her against her chest.
“Oh, my baby,” Angeni said, tears coming in a rush.
She kissed every inch of Freya’s face as Freya giggled.
“You must be starving,” Angeni said, nuzzling into Freya’s neck.
She held Freya against her with one hand and used the other to pull out her left breast, offering it to her daughter.
“I can’t believe she’s not crying,” Angeni said to Sitka.
“She’s just so excited to see you,” Sitka said. “I’m sure that’s distracting her from any discomfort.”
Angeni felt buoyed by Sitka’s words, but then Freya wouldn’t latch, again, and her unease returned.
“Come on, sweetie,” Angeni said, shifting Freya a bit to try another angle. She headbutted Angeni’s chest, bobbing like a bird, her lips pressed shut.
“Maybe she just needs to be in your arms for a while, to feel your presence, before she’s calm enough to eat,” Sitka said.
Angeni nodded. She wanted to believe Sitka. But it didn’t make sense. Her breasts were supposed to be the ultimate comfort.
“Sitka’s probably right,” Erik said. “Let’s go in, babe.”
Angeni watched a look pass between them, and she wasn’t sure what to make of it. They were in on something together. It was possible that they were only joined in a mission to get her to relax, but Angeni couldn’t help but feel something was amiss.
Erik put his arm around Angeni and guided her inside. Her boob was still out of her shirt. Freya put her hands on it like it was a bouncy ball of mild interest.
Inside, Aurora was in the kitchen, prepping something on the stove. When she saw Angeni, she ran to her.
“Oh my god, I’ve been so worried,” she said.
But Angeni could think only of the letter, the probability of Aurora having sent it.
Aurora wrapped her arms around Angeni and Freya, the three of their faces pressed together.
Angeni’s body, her wise and all-knowing body, went stiff and still.
She closed her eyes, tuned in to what her body was telling her.
Do not trust this person. That was what it was saying.
“I’m making some butternut squash soup. I thought that sounded nourishing,” Aurora said.
Angeni tried to muster a smile, but couldn’t.
“I used coconut milk. I thought the dairy might be too inflammatory after what your body’s been through.”
“Thanks,” Angeni muttered.
Aurora moved with Angeni and Freya to the couch, Erik and Sitka following behind. They were all hovering over her, their worry palpable.
“Guys, I’m fine,” she said.
She sat on the couch, Freya in her lap. Aurora sat next to her, Erik on her other side. Sitka stayed standing.
“Matt and Jer are bringing in some wood for a fire. Hospitals are so cold. I thought you might need to warm up,” Aurora said.
Was Aurora overcompensating for what she’d done? Was she regretting the letter, how it had sent Angeni to the hospital?
Matt and Jer came in through the kitchen door, wood in their arms. They placed a few logs in the fireplace, the rest in the rack next to it.
“Good to see you, Ang,” Matt said. He lit the fire, and the two of them came to sit next to Aurora on the couch. Their big, questionably happy family.
“Thanks for the fire,” Angeni said. She wanted nothing more than to be completely alone with her baby, but couldn’t disregard basic politeness.
“No problem, Ang. So happy you’re feeling better,” Jer said.
“Babe, what do you need?” Erik asked.
Now she saw a look pass between Erik and Aurora, another look she could not decipher completely, though if she wasn’t mistaken, Aurora looked irritated with Erik. Sitka paced the length of the couch behind all of them, arms crossed over her chest.
“Do you guys think I could have some privacy with Freya? I want to reassure her that I’m back, that everything is safe,” Angeni said.
Aurora nodded effusively, the first to stand from the couch.
“Yes, of course,” she said. “Sitka, do you mind stirring the soup? Erik, can I talk to you briefly?”
There was that look again on Aurora’s face—that annoyance with Erik.
“Sure,” Sitka said. She went to the stove and started to stir the soup lazily, one eye still on Angeni and Freya.
“Briefly, sure,” Erik said to Aurora.
Matt and Jer were already heading outside, telling Angeni to let them know if she needed anything at all. Jer said he’d be back to check on the fire in an hour.
Aurora put her hand on Angeni’s knee, smiled without showing teeth.
“All is going to be okay,” she said to Angeni.
But there was an apprehension in her voice that told Angeni nothing was okay at all.