Chapter Fourteen #2
“Enjoy hockey, counselor,” she says lightly.
“Try not to injure yourself. I would hate to win on a technicality if you cannot make it to court.” Her smile is colder than the ice she stands on.
And just like that, I know she’s gone. Whatever fragile progress I made this morning shattered the second Adam opened his mouth.
She turns and walks away, and without sparing Adam a glance, I follow her.
I reach for her arm. “Ava, wait—”
“For what?” She yanks it away from me. “Go back to your friend. I’ll see you in court.”
I drop my hand away, and she glances at it. For the briefest moment, I think I see a flash of regret and sadness. It’s gone so quickly that I think I might have imagined it. At this point, I probably did.
Anger at her and at myself wells within me. “Right. See you in court, Ms. Kendrick,” I hiss.
The low thrum of conversation mixes with the clink of pint glasses and the faint smell of fried food. My muscles ache pleasantly from the skate, but I can’t think of anything but Ava. To say I’m distracted would be an understatement.
Adam takes a long drink of his beer before side-eyeing me. “All right, spill it. You’ve been in your head since before we hit the ice. And don’t give me some bullshit ‘I’m just tired’ excuse. What’s going on?”
I hesitate, my thumb tracing my glass. I know I shouldn’t talk about it. But goddamn, I’m tired of holding onto this secret. And whatever we had is probably already over anyway. “It’s… complicated,” I say at last, keeping my eyes on the table.
“Yeah, no shit,” he says with a dry snort. “I picked up on that.”
“I have been sort of seeing someone for a while,” I say quietly, “and it’s messy. I want more than I think she can give me.”
Adam lets out a long breath and scrubs a hand over his jaw. “I’ve got a bad feeling you’re about to say it’s the viper. And surely—surely—that’s not what you’re about to say, right?”
I don’t answer, just sit there tearing my napkin into shreds.
“Shit.” He leans back in his chair, flagging the waitress down with two fingers. “We’re gonna need something stronger over here. Bourbon and triple sec for him, whiskey neat for me.”
After she walks away, I finally lift my head to meet his eyes. “I’ve got it really goddamn bad for the viper,” I admit.
He stares at me, then shakes his head in disbelief. “But… why? I mean, yeah, she’s a smokeshow, but you two do nothing but fight. I’ve seen you at each other in court and at fundraisers. Hell, didn’t you two almost come to blows over a sandwich at that deli by your office?”
I sigh. “What you haven’t seen,” I say, “are the decidedly non-fighting things we've been doing for the last six weeks or so when we’re alone.”
“Six weeks?!” Adam hisses, pitching forward. “You’ve been sleeping with Ava fucking Kendrick for months, and this is the first I’m hearing about it? I’d be impressed if I wasn’t kind of hurt.”
“Keep your goddamn voice down,” I snap. He raises his hands in apology. “It’s been exhausting keeping it quiet,” I continue, “constantly worrying someone will find out and we’ll end up in hot water with the bar. Or with Harvey. You know how he feels about her.”
Adam grimaces. “I didn’t even think about the bar. That’d be a big deal, right? Since you’ve tried so many cases against each other?”
“Yeah,” I say with a nod. “Lose our licenses big. Especially if it looks like we hid it instead of recusing ourselves.”
“So why not come clean?” he asks. “She could move to a different borough easily.”
I blow out a slow breath. “Goddamn NYTV. I cannot pay for that kind of publicity if I want a real shot at Harvey’s job.”
He gives me a look. “Then why not just stop?”
I laugh humorlessly. “Don’t you think I’ve tried?”
We sit quietly for a minute, staring into our drinks.
Finally, he clears his throat. “You gotta tell me. Like, it’s gotta be top-shelf sex, right? With the way you two go at it in the courtroom? She looks like the type to fuck like she fights.” He overdramatically waggles his eyebrows, successfully breaking the tension.
I shake my head, though a smile tugs at my lips. “You don’t have a clue, brother. Liquid heroin straight to the heart is less of a high and less addictive than she is.”
“Goddamn,” he mutters. “No wonder you’re twisted up.”
“It’s not just that, though,” I say, swirling the liquid in my glass, watching the light reflect on the amber.
“She challenges me. Every day. I’m never bored with Ava.
She’s infuriating and brilliant, sometimes in the same breath.
I’ve never met a woman like her. Some nights she falls asleep beside me and I just…
watch her. Like if I blink, I’ll miss how that big, beautiful brain of hers works. ”
He studies me like he’s never seen me before. “Jesus. You weren’t kidding. You do have it bad. You sound like you’re in love with her. Does she feel the same way?”
“Sometimes I think so. But she won’t let me in.
Every time I get close, she bolts. This morning, I thought we’d made a lot of progress, but then after you opened your big dumb mouth at the rink—” I shake my head.
“What the hell was that about anyways? I expect some of the cops to give her shit like that, but you’ve never acted like that about her. ”
He grimaces and has the decency to look sheepish. “I don’t know. I think I must have known on some level. You were looking at her like she hung the damn moon. And she’s the viper. I was just reminding you how she can be, I think.”
My jaw tightens and I give him a dirty look. “I didn’t need that. I know who she is better than anyone. What she needed at that moment was for someone to see her for the woman underneath the mask.”
“I’m sorry. It was kind of dickish.” He scratches at his chin, lips pursed in thought. “So the question is, why is she running from you? She’s single. You’re a good guy. She keeps coming back, so she’s clearly into you. She could take cases anywhere in the city, so what the hell is the problem?”
I rake a hand through my hair. “Hell if I know. Maybe somebody broke her heart. All I know is she keeps me out.”
“Look,” he says, pausing to take another sip from his drink, “maybe you need to give her a reason to figure it out. Or maybe you need to give yourself a reason to walk away. Start dating again.”
“I don’t know. It seems unfair to drag someone else into this shitshow.”
“I’m not saying go out and propose to the first woman you meet. Get a couple good dinners. Maybe a nice makeout session. Just think about it.”
I shrug. “Maybe.”
We change the subject and keep drinking till we have a nice buzz going.
The ride back to my apartment is quiet, the city flickering past the cab window in streaks of neon and headlights.
By the time I unlock my door, I’m exhausted.
But I can’t get my mind to settle. All my thoughts are on Ava.
Her on the ice. Her at my table, barefaced, and wearing my sweatshirt.
Ava snapping at me like I was a stranger when Adam was watching.
I strip down, toss my clothes in the hamper, and head to the shower to wash off the day.
I try to ignore the toothbrush and toothpaste I’d left sitting out for her on the sink.
After I dry off, I drop onto the couch instead of heading to bed.
My phone glows on the coffee table, and for a long moment, I just stare at it.
Adam’s voice echoes in my head: Give yourself a reason to walk away.
With a curse, I grab it and swipe it open.
The dating app is still there, a red notification dot on my inbox next to Marnie’s name.
I open her profile and look at her picture again.
She’s bright and smiling, with a sweet heart-shaped face and bouncy blonde curls.
She looks like someone who probably bakes banana bread on Sundays and remembers everyone’s birthday.
Someone who is probably the exact opposite of Ava.
My thumb hovers over the screen, hesitating. Every instinct screams that this is unfair—I’ll be comparing her to someone she can’t possibly compete with. But Adam’s right. If I don’t at least try, I’ll just be stuck in Ava’s orbit forever.
So I type.
“Hey, sorry for passing out on you last night and just now responding. Let me make it up to you when you’re free. How about meeting up for a coffee or drink sometime soon and getting to know each other?”
It’s not long at all before my phone dings.
“That sounds great. What are you doing tomorrow?”
I have to think about how I want to respond. Is this really what I want? I think it is. Besides, she seems like a nice girl, and I’ve already set the wheels in motion. I can at least meet up with her for coffee.
“I don’t have any plans. Would you wanna meet at Grindhouse around 5? Coffee and donuts? Or we can get something harder if that’s your thing. Maybe go walking around after and take in the city some? I think it might be a good ‘get to know you’ atmosphere.”
She responds quickly again. It’s nice to have someone that seems like they might actually want to talk to me.
“Sounds great! I can be there earlier if you want. Just message me here when you get done with your day, and I’ll be there ASAP. Can’t wait! ??
I hate how guilty I feel, like I’ve done something wrong. But sometimes the only way out is through.