Chapter 17
RONAN
Why is Christmas shopping so hard?
In my thirty-nine years, I’ve never worried much about gifts before.
My family does gift cards, and I always send my brother money to buy presents for the kids.
Then his wife, Allison, sends me a photo with the gifts they bought, so I’m not surprised when the kids open them.
Maybe some people would say that’s not personal.
But Anton and Andrew are happy, and isn’t that what’s important?
When I was with Gwen, she always told me exactly what she wanted. She’d send me a link, I’d place the order, and that would be it.
And little Nate. I had thoughts of picking out toys for him—little cars and dinosaurs and stuffed dragons, just like I had when I was a kid. But I never got to spend Christmas with him.
After that, I didn’t want to think about presents at all.
But now?
I want to get Angel something special. Something that shows how much I care about her. I want her to open her gift and know I didn’t just grab whatever I saw first when I walked into the store. I want her to know I really put some thought into it.
Then there’s Haley. I want to get her a good present, too.
But I’m not sure what’s appropriate. My first thought was skis, but Angel was just saying last night how much she wished she could afford to get them for Haley herself.
So if I buy them, would that be a thoughtful gift, or will it make Angel feel like I’m stepping on her toes?
Turning away from a display of hand-carved jewelry boxes, I mutter, “Why can’t I find anything?”
Stupid me, I thought I’d swing through downtown Bliss after my meeting, pop into a couple of stores, and get my shopping done for Angel and Haley just like that. But forty-five minutes and three stores later, and I’m no further along than when I started.
One of the jewelry boxes that I watched two women ooh and ah over? Maybe, if Angel ever wore jewelry. But aside from the tracking necklace I gave her, she never wears anything else.
I almost bought a blue cashmere sweater in Beauty and Bliss that matched the color of Angel’s eyes, but then I worried she might think it was too expensive and never wear it.
Then there was the apron for sale in Decadent Delights, all decorated with hand-stitched flowers that made it look like a garden.
I could picture Angel wearing that while she baked, but then I thought—what if she thinks I’m making some sort of statement about the role of women in the kitchen and she ends up being offended?
I don’t think women belong in the kitchen. And I’m well aware I’m probably reading too much into it. But shit. It’s our first Christmas together. I don’t want to be one of those guys who buys his girlfriend a terrible gift that gets laughed about decades later.
I know that happens because my mom still pokes fun at my dad for giving her a toaster for their first Christmas. Every year, she brings out the mustard-yellow toaster just to keep the joke going. And my dad always groans and says, “She said she needed a toaster. I thought I was being helpful.”
Although they are still married, and it’s been forty-five years. So maybe he had the right idea.
On that note, does Angel need a new toaster? She has a toaster oven, but it’s pretty old. Maybe I could buy her one of those fancy, twelve-purpose ones that does everything for you.
As I turn the idea over in my head, I move on to a display of blown glass sculptures.
A delicate cardinal catches my attention, but as soon as I imagine it in Angel’s house, I’m reminded of how Haley likes to fling her backpack around.
All it would take would be one accidental bump, and it would end up in smithereens on the floor.
Angel would be disappointed, Haley would feel bad, and—
“Shit,” I curse under my breath. “How can there not be anything?”
“Talking to yourself?”
I spin around to find my friend, Sawyer, watching me with a bemused expression. “Or maybe one of the birds offended you?” he adds. Moving beside me, he gestures at a crow with beady eyes. “I have to say, I don’t much like the look of that one.”
“That one is pretty creepy,” I agree. “And yes, I am talking to myself. About how impossible it is to find a decent gift these days.”
Sawyer smiles. “Looking for something for Angel?”
I’m not surprised Sawyer knows who I’m shopping for.
He was originally Alec’s friend—and former Green Beret teammate—but ever since he moved to Bliss earlier this year, we’ve all become friends.
While he’s not a part of the team, he comes to all our dinners and get-togethers, and if anyone ever needs help, he’s quick to volunteer.
“I like keeping busy,” he always explains. “It’s better than the alternative.”
Given that the alternative is likely remembering the years he was held as a POW overseas and wrongly accused of being a traitor, I can understand why he’d prefer keeping busy.
“I am,” I answer. “Or trying to, at least. But there’s nothing good anywhere.”
Sawyer glances around the store. Judging from the crowd of people shopping, it’s pretty obvious I’m the only one who holds that opinion.
“Well. I guess it depends on what you’re looking for,” he says tactfully.
Which is better than what he could say, which is, You dope.
There are tons of gifts here. Just buy one.
“It’s our first Christmas, though. I don’t want to give her a toaster. Even if it worked for my parents.”
Sawyer frowns in confusion. “A toaster?” Then he looks around the store again. “I don’t think they sell those here. Maybe the hardware store?”
“No, I know they don’t have toasters here. It was just an example.”
“An example?”
“Nevermind.” I shove my hands in my pockets. “I guess I need to keep looking. Anyway. What about you? Getting some Christmas shopping done?”
Sawyer picks up a glass bluebird and studies it. Then he sets it back down and pushes his hand through his hair. “Yeah. I need something for my parents. And I want to get Hazel something. Since she’s been such a help since I moved here, you know?”
“That makes sense.” As Sawyer picks up another bird—a robin, I think—I reach into my back pocket for my phone.
There aren’t any new messages since the last time I checked before coming into the store.
But I still tap the screen to be sure. The last one that came in was from Angel, telling me she missed me and can’t wait to see me.
Then there’s mine.
I miss you too. Can’t wait to see you tonight. Can’t stop thinking about you, period.
It’s true. If I thought Angel had a hold of me before, it was nothing compared to now—knowing how she feels when I’m inside her, the way she looks when she comes, the sexy little sounds she makes, how damn perfect she felt sleeping tucked up next to me…
Every second of it was perfect.
As I look at my unanswered text, uncertainty niggles at me. It’s not rational. But there’s still this tiny part of me that thinks, Maybe she’s changed her mind. Maybe it wasn’t as perfect as I thought.
But as soon as the idea forms, I stomp it out.
No. I’m not going there again. I’m not going to let my past fuck with me anymore.
I know Angel cares about me, just like I care about her.
Actually, care is a vast understatement. And it scares the shit out of me. Not enough to walk away or anything like that. But fear is definitely holding me back from telling Angel how I really feel.
Unless…
Is it too soon? It has to be. Angel wouldn’t want to move that fast. Not with Haley involved. And it’s smarter to take things slowly. Shit, Angel’s only just forgiven me for my fuckup at the Wonderland Walk. And I’m thinking about rings and getting down on one knee?
But still, I like the thought of it.
“You working at the mountain later?” Sawyer asks. “Or are you heading back to HQ?”
“Neither,” I reply. “I’m not back at the mountain until Tuesday. I might work from home on some training modules, but that’s about it. What are you up to the rest of the day?”
“I’m helping Knox out at a job site after lunch,” he replies. “Not that he needs me. But I appreciate that he brings me in sometimes. Gives me something to do.”
Knowing that Sawyer has been at loose ends, we’ve all asked him to help us out when we can.
Knox has Sawyer help on his construction jobs.
Enzo asks him to work shifts at his outdoor supply store.
Alec will get Sawyer to test out his new security systems. Gage works on designing flight simulation programs, so that’s a little harder to ask for help with, but when he wants to do a test run of a new drone, he’ll ask Sawyer to come along.
Working at Stowe, I can’t exactly bring Sawyer with me, but he’s helped with a number of projects at my house.
What we—the team, that is—really think, is that Sawyer should join Green Mountain Guardians.
Not only did he go through all the same training as the rest of us, he’s also one of the most skilled marksmen I’ve ever seen.
And we can trust him. Sawyer would be an asset to the team, if only he’d agree to join.
But he says he’s not ready. He says he doesn’t know if he ever will be.
I don’t say any of that to him, of course. I just say, “I remember how much help you were at my place. So I’m sure Knox appreciates the work you’re doing for him.” To change the subject, I ask, “So, are you visiting your parents for Christmas?”
A quick grimace moves across his face. “Yeah. Don’t get me wrong. I’m always glad to see them. But they act like I’m one broken eggshell away from snapping.”
It’s not the first time Sawyer’s mentioned how careful they are around him.
And I get it. If my kid had been missing for years, presumed to be a traitor, and possibly dead, I’d worry about him, too.
But I also understand Sawyer’s perspective.
He doesn’t want his parents walking on eggshells. He just wants them to act normal.