Chapter 3
CHAPTER THREE
ASTRID
Renaldo’s wasn’t too busy, thank goodness. I was able to grab a table in the back that would accommodate all of us plus a toddler and pre-ordered a round of margaritas, one virgin for the expectant Zoe, that would be delivered when they all arrived.
Nerves still had my stomach in knots. Not from how my friends would react, but how I felt about seeing Chase again after so much time. And the way my body had reacted to him.
The fluttery, overwhelming feeling of a thousand pulses in my lower abdomen had been so similar to what I remembered feeling when I was eighteen anytime I saw Chase and especially that last night when he’d become my first lover.
But I also questioned if my intense reaction the moment I saw him was merely nostalgia or something deeper.
Soul-deep connection that I’d buried in order to move on with my life.
Lost in self-reflection, I jumped when Zoe sat down with a sigh next to me.
“Jeez, you move pretty stealthily for someone about ready to pop out my goddaughter.” I wrapped an arm around my bestie’s shoulders and squeezed as the rest of my friends appeared.
Noisy greetings and chair scraping ensued, and I was handed a chubby toddler, Addy and Ridge’s son, Mateo. He settled into my side and happily worked on his Binky. Whenever we were together, I would reminisce over Josh at this age and often claim baby Matty for cuddles.
“He’s already had his dinner, and we had another successful potty attempt before we got here. But if he gets cranky, just hand him to Mika.” Addison laughed as she bumped shoulders with the pediatric nurse. “I swear she’s the only one who can calm him lately.”
Berkely, who worked with Mika and was Zoe’s older sister, ran their father’s orthopedic practice.
She and Mika were both single with no kids, but could always be counted on to babysit now that our wider group of friends had married men who either lived or worked at the Triple R Lodge.
It was quite the tribe we were creating, and I wished the other women I was lucky enough to call friends could have joined us.
Whenever any of us had man trouble or wanted to complain about the lack of a man in our lives, these women circled the wagons and offered support.
It was one of the perks I was looking forward to now that my new house was ready and Josh and I would live on the mountain, next to my brother Baz and Zoe, but amongst friends who’d become our family.
“Okay, my friend. Time to spill your guts. We’re all dying to know what man has you all tied up in knots?” Zoe demanded between bites of chips and salsa.
Before I could respond, the margaritas arrived.
I took a fortifying sip, set the glass down, and discovered four sets of eyes watching me.
Where to begin? None of them knew Chase, let alone knew we’d been friends in high school.
And I’d told no one that he and I had slept together or that he’d left me without a word.
Funny how almost twenty years later, admitting it after all the life I’d lived since, marriage that’d gone quickly bad, welcomed motherhood, and bitter divorce, this one fact would be the thing I worried the most about being judged on.
I knew my concern was unfounded, but old wounds tended to be the hardest to heal, especially when there’d been no hope of closure.
I took a fortifying breath. Then another.
Unexpected tears hit me. Where had they come from?
I hadn’t shed a tear over Chase in as long as I can remember.
“Darn it, sorry. I didn’t think I’d react this way over something that happened back in school. ”
“Are you kidding? You go right ahead. We’ll wait.
It’s not like we all haven’t experienced heartache.
” Mika, always nurturing, covered my hand with hers.
Between sniffles, I let out a soft laugh.
“Thanks. And I know I should be embarrassed to talk about this, but I was blindsided today by someone from my past, and it’s just a lot, you know? ”
Zoe, ever the protector of her students and especially of Josh who’d been in her class last year, sat up as straight as she could in her chair, hand over her belly and asked, “Don’t tell us your ex is back to acting like an idiot again?”
Shaking my head, I swiped away the last stray tear.
“No, thank goodness. He seems to be holding to his promises where Josh is concerned. In fact, he offered to take him for the weekend since all our son has been doing is complaining about packing and not being able to game with his buddies. It seems being without internet for a few days is too much to bear for my soon-to-be teenager.”
The moment of levity settled me, and I’d stalled long enough.
“Okay, here it is. A guy I went to school with…his name is Chase. London. He’s Kane’s older brother.
He showed up at my clinic today. We, uh, the night of graduation, we snuck out of the all-night party out to his truck and, well, we had sex.
He was my first. And I thought, ‘This is it. We’ll be together forever.
’ But I didn’t hear from him the next day as he promised, and then it turned into a week, then a month. I was devastated.”
Lord, that was hard to admit. And I needed to figure out why I’d told no one before.
“First off, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. We’ve all been there. First loves can be the devil to get over, you know?’ Berkley spoke first. Her gaze filled with kindness.
“Thank you for that. I just don’t know what to do with my feelings. Why he said nothing to the receptionist about knowing me when he checked in. I took my maiden name back. He had to know it was me, right?”
“Can you say what he was there for without breaking confidentially laws? And if not, I guess that’s not the point.
What if you were the point?” Zoe asked. “I think I remember Baz saying something about Kane having brothers who were also in the military, but neither of them served with their Ranger group.”
Addison, whose husband Ridge was one of the original three who’d built the Triple R into what it is today, nodded. “I’m pretty sure I heard Chassie mention Kane had been thinking of reaching out to his brothers, but I did not know it had already happened. Did he tell why he chose your clinic?”
I shook my head. “No, I didn’t give him the chance.
As soon as I saw his name on the chart, I went into this weird state.
You know when memories slam into you? And your body experiences how it felt to be well, you know.
That’s what happened when I walked into that exam and, well, Bam!
I didn’t give him a chance to say much. I told him I couldn’t treat him, but I’d make arrangements for another therapist to take over.
” I looked at each of my friend’s faces, one after the other, waiting for them to dazzle me with their wisdom.
Instead, they all looked at each other, then, as if by telepathic agreement, Mika, Addy, and Brenley deferred to Zoe.
Zoe had been quietly listening. I knew immediately she was onto me when I avoided responding to her question.
Yeah, it was time to spill my guts. “Okay, fine. You want to know why I’m losing it over this guy?
Because he made promises that sounded like we’d be together—forever—he disappeared.
Ghosted me before that even became a thing.
” Too dramatic? Nah, they got it. I knew I wasn’t the first woman to ever have that experience, but I knew they understood.
Heart hammering as if it would launch from my chest, I took a shaky breath and sniffled a bit.
Great, I was having a full-on crisis in the corner of Renaldo’s. At least it wasn’t too busy.
Addison stood and whispered, “Here, let me get him.” Matty had fallen asleep, and with a practiced hand she rubbed circles on his tiny back before carefully picking him up. Once settled back in her seat, she cleared her throat and asked, “Do you want my help as a friend or a therapist?”
She’d been working at the Triple R counseling their client-guests for almost two years now, and it was how she and Ridge had reconnected after an epic one-night stand, producing their precious son.
“Can you be both at the same time?” I smiled hopefully. “And don’t hold back just because we’re friends.”
“Remember, you said that after, okay? So, it’s obvious he really means something to you based on your response to seeing him, plus then calling us for support, right?
And this is the part where, as a therapist, I don’t give you my opinion but ask questions like, ‘Why do you think you responded so intensely after twenty years?’ — or — ‘Do you wish you had handled it better back then?’ — and this is the hard one — 'Did you try to find him?’” Addy had definitely sounded like a therapist as she spoke, but her warm gaze had been filled with pure friendship.
She wasn’t judging me, just helping me find the truth.
“Okay. So, I’m not sure yet about the first one.
Second, I don’t think I could have handled it better.
I was eighteen and thought I was in love, or what I believed was real love.
And no, I didn’t try to find him. I just…
cried all summer, started college, and then tried to forget him.
” Reliving it as I spoke hadn’t affected me quite the same way as when I’d first seen his name earlier.
Maybe what I was upset about had nothing to do with then, and everything to do with now? Wow, she was good.
“He obviously didn’t drop off the face of the earth, because he’s back now.
I bet if you found out the why of him taking off, it might give you the closure, sorry, part of the process,” Addy grinned, then continued…
“and you might see things differently. Be able to work through your feelings, which you really need.”
She was right. But a small part of me didn’t want to go there. Josh and I were moving into our new home tomorrow; I had to focus on that first.
“This could all be for nothing. I probably won’t see him again.
” Instantly, I knew that statement was wishful thinking.
Of course, you’ll see him again. He literally told you where he’d be staying.
At Kane’s. Who lived on the mountain and worked in a place I also spent time and planned to volunteer some of my off hours to their program.
““Thank you, Addy. All of you. Thank you for coming when I called. It means a lot. So, let’s order. I’m starving.
” Thankfully, no one called me out on what was a lame excuse and avoided my Chase problem.
But that’s what loyal friends did. And I knew they’d still have my back, come running if I had another freak-out.
I’d have to work him out of my system another time.
But what if getting him out of my system wasn’t what I really needed?
Buried deep within me, I’d often wondered what being with him again would be like.
That first time had been so rushed and unfortunately unsatisfying.
For me, at least. And when I had a random sex dream, it was always him in the starring role.
So, maybe my actual issue with him coming back now wasn’t how I would act, or what I would say, but how I would feel and how I would act on those feelings?