Chapter 5
Em
I tried to stay on the mountain. I really did.
But everywhere I went, everything I did, all I could feel was Dad’s absence.
Mom’s too. Even though she’d been gone for longer, it was like I was grieving for them both, together this time.
It was like there was a new aching wound on my heart I felt could not—would not—heal as long as I was at the ranch.
Was it a coward’s move to sneak away in the middle of the night? Yes.
Did I make it worse by not telling anyone before I left? Absolutely.
Do I regret doing it now that I’m back in Palmer and can finally breathe again? No, because I had to put myself first, and I did it knowing that everyone important in my life would understand.
Including my husband—even if he’s that in name only.
Jude Cooper was the other reason I had to leave, even if it’s something I can’t explain away as easily. The more I got to know him, the more time I spent with him, the more I realized that he was special. More than just a symbolic husband. More than just a friendly neighbor.
He proved himself to be everything I sensed he was: kind, thoughtful, patient, understanding, and truly selfless. Hell, he married me so Dad could see me walk down the aisle. He even helped Dad stand up for me during the ceremony.
Once Dad was gone, it was like he understood why I had nothing to give anyone and why I drew into myself. He didn’t judge or push or ask for anything he knew I wasn’t willing to give. He made sure he was there for me and my brothers, whether we needed him or not. Whether I needed him or not.
He’d stop by the ranch every day after finishing his chores at Cooper Ranch. He’d bring frozen dinners for me and my brothers. One day he even helped Asher fix the tractor unit that had broken down. Jude being on the ranch with my brothers and with me just felt… right.
During the funeral, without saying a single word, he reached over and held my hand, being the rock I never knew I needed at the time I was barely holding it together. It was everything.
It also scared me.
Because all I could think about was when the other shoe would finally drop. When would Jude realize he was no longer on the hook and didn’t have to keep coming around.
Whenever my mind would go down that road, I’d re-read the note he gave me before the ceremony and I’d remember everything he’d done for me since, and I’d start spiraling.
Jude Cooper was too good to be true. So I left before I could find out either way.
The most confusing thing of all that I’ve thought about over and over again since leaving is the way he kissed me after we were pronounced man and wife.
That kiss was anything but fake. It wasn’t even polite, conforming or routine.
It wasn’t a peck or even something for show.
It was soft and gentle, one of those slow burn kisses.
A perfect mix of discovery and testing the waters.
And despite the circumstances and what followed later that night, that kiss—that moment—was the single-best moment of my life thus far. Literally.
My body tingled from head to toe, even my hair felt like it was standing on end.
I was right where I belonged with the person I was meant to belong to.
All I wanted to do was keep kissing him.
Definitely not what you should want with a stranger/rival neighbor my father asked to marry me to unite a mountain and hopefully activate a prophecy to give my family their soulmates.
When you think about it, the whole thing doesn’t make sense. It sounds downright fictional.
It’s now been five weeks since Dad’s passing and a month since I squirreled away in the middle of the night.
I did leave my brothers a note, and I made sure to text our family group chat as soon as I got back to Palmer so they wouldn’t worry.
Since then, at least once a day if not more, one or more of them texts or calls me to check in.
Despite Dare assuring me that they know I was struggling being on the ranch again and they understood why I left, I still feel guilty.
I still don’t understand why I had to leave and why I did it the way that I did.
I just knew I couldn’t spend another night on the mountain, in the house, without Dad there.
It felt wrong. Like I was in the wrong skin.
A feeling that went away more and more the further away I got from Timber Falls.
Grief is a funny thing, and already in my twenty-nine years on this planet, I’ve had my fair share with Mom and now Dad.
That’s how I know I’m still in the thick of it.
There’s no telling when—or if—I will get to the other side.
I just know I can’t rush it, but I also can’t dwell on what I’ve lost for so long that I lose sight of what they gave me and the life I have because of it.
Or the people important to me that are in my life too.
Besides, Dad would be pissed if he knew I let his loss consume me for too long. He’d want me to carry him with me as I kept following my dreams and making the most out of the chances I’m given. That’s what I’m holding on to, anyway.
Then again, he probably didn’t expect me to leave the mountain again—or so soon. Maybe he had hoped his plan to marry me off might succeed in keeping me there for good.
He supported me the first time and never failed to remind me just how proud he was of me following my passion, turning it into a career, and fulfilling my dreams.
Right now, it’s that work that is allowing me to distract myself and not think about the events of the past few weeks, at least for a little while.
When I was ten years old, Mom and Dad took us kids on our very first family vacation. Piled into our van at the time, we made our way to Kenai Fjords National Park where we stayed in cabins at the Howling Wind Campground there.
It was absolute heaven to us country kids who were already used to entertaining ourselves in the great outdoors.
On our fifth day there, we were woken up in the middle of the night by an earthquake.
While Dare went into big brother mode, Ash and the twins were freaking out about the ground moving and wondering if it was going to swallow us whole.
Yet I lay on my bunk bed wondering how something so powerful, uncontrollable, and unpredictable could happen. I wasn’t scared, I was fascinated.
Thankfully the short, sharp jolt lasted for no longer than thirty seconds, and the following aftershocks weren’t too major. However, that was the day that I became absolutely obsessed with seismology and everything related to it.
Cue my senior year at our little mountain high school where I finished top of my class and a year ahead of schedule, I had also earned a full-ride scholarship to college.
Once I finished my degree in California, I moved further north to complete my Master’s. That led to my first position with the U.S. Geological Survey, which was the reason I left home for good all those years ago.
These days, I’m a lead Geologist for this part of the state and I’m lucky enough to love my job as much as I always have.
It’s just, since being back here, I’ve realized I’m lonely. Maybe it’s that I miss my brothers. I miss my parents. Yet the place where I should feel most connected to my family isn’t where I can be right now.
To cope, I’ve been focusing on what I can control—working, eating, sleeping. Rinse and repeat. I have absolutely not been thinking about the other person I can’t seem to get off my mind.
I’m simply putting one foot in front of the other and trying not to fall over. It’s been OK. I’ve been OK… Well I thought so, until the day I receive a text message.
Unknown Number: Hi. It’s me, Jude. How are you?
I almost dropped my phone when I read it. Straight away, I was taken back to that kiss I can’t stop replaying, and to the letter with the silver hairpin that’s reverently stored in my nightstand.
Obviously, I do what anyone else would do in this situation. I call my big brother.
“Hey, Little Em. Everythin’ O—”
“Did you give Jude my number?” I say, diving straight in.
“Hello to you too. Why yes, I’m great. How are you?” he replies sarcastically.
I growl under my breath, sounding about as menacing as a kitten. “Dare…”
“Why am I in trouble for givin’ your husband your phone number. Isn’t that somethin’ he should already have?” he counters, somewhat annoyingly.
“You know he’s not my husband. It was a symbolic thing just for Dad’s benefit,” I shoot back.
“And yet, he calls or messages you and you’re straight on the phone to me instead of replyin’ or—I don’t know—talkin’ to him?”
I open my mouth to argue before snapping it shut again, giving myself a moment to take a slow calming breath.
“It’s not like that between us. There isn’t even an us to talk about,” I lie.
“I need a clean break from Timber Falls and the mountain for a while. I thought you understood that,” I explain.
“As much as I wish it wasn’t true, I get why you had to leave.
The thing is, I don’t believe for a second that you left just because of Dad’s passin’.
I think it was because of Jude too. Because he kept showin’ up and provin’ he is exactly the man Dad thought he was.
Hell, your husband was here yesterday fixin’ up one of the greenhouses with the twins and settin’ up hydroponics so we can have plants year-round. ”
I stop and think about that for a second. Why would he do that? I shake away the warmth spreading through me. “Dare, it wasn’t real.”
“Does he know that?” he replies. “More to the point, do you?”
For the second time in as many minutes, I take a moment to compose myself. “I just said it wasn’t real, Dare.”
He chuckles. “I know it’s not legally bindin’ as long as the marriage license isn’t registered.
That’s a fact. What I don’t know is why you’re protestin’ so much, let alone reactin’ like a cat with its tail caught in a rockin’ chair, about Jude Cooper havin’ your phone number and choosin’ to use it, to message his wife. "
I groan down the phone, even going so far as to bump my head on the wall behind my bed. “You’re just as infuriatin’ as the twins. Do you know that?”
He laughs and I can tell he’s smiling. “Isn’t that my prerogative as your big brother? Look, I’m just puttin' it out there, would it be so wrong to get to know the man you married—real or not? Ash is standin’ right here and he’s noddin’ too.”
“You could do a lot worse than havin’ Jude Cooper as a husband,” Ash calls out, backing our brother up.
When I don’t reply, he must take my silence as permission to continue. “Did he do somethin’ bad?” Dare asks, his tone serious now. “Did you get the ick or somethin’?”
How can I stay mad when he asks me that. “No,” I say quietly. “He was just—”
“What?” Asher asks in the background.
“Wait. Am I on speaker now?” I screech.
“Well, duh. I needed a witness in case you told me off for doin’ somethin’ any one of us would do,” Dare replies, defending himself—and rightly so.
I know I’m being ridiculous. I know Jude is a nice guy, a good guy. A great one. I just don’t have the capacity right now to put thought into what may or may not be going on between me and my fake husband. Even if kissing him made me feel more anchored than I’ve ever felt before.
“Em? You still with us?” Dare asks.
“Yeah. I’m just…” I try to gather my thoughts. “You told me I wasn’t the only one takin’ part in the ceremony, and I get that. I’m even pretty sure Jude and I were on the same page about the whole thing. I just don’t know why he’s textin’ me.”
“My guess, he’s a decent human bein’ who wants to check in to see how you’re doin’? He asks after you, you know,” Dare says.
“All the damn time,” Ash pipes up.
That stops me in my tracks. “He does?”
“Yep. I won’t pretend to be sure of his intentions, but considerin’ what Dad asked him to do, and the fact he had a prenup drawn up to protect our family regardless of it bein’ real or not, I’d say it’s no secret that he’s a good guy,” Ash adds.
“What I don’t get is why it would be so bad to just message him back. ”
My brother’s words give me pause.
“There’s just somethin’ about him that… rattles me, I guess.”
“Like that earthquake that shook your brain as a kid?” Ash teases.
“At least I had a brain to shake up,” I shoot back, even going as far as to poke my tongue out at the phone.
Dare chuckles. “She’s totally poking her tongue out at you right now. OK, Em. This rattlin’ he does, is it in a good way or a bad way? Because say the word and we’ll tell him to lose your number and get him to back off.”
“No!” I say a little too quickly. “It’s fine. Just… unexpected,” I make sure my voice is softer this time.
“Remember what Dad used to say whenever we’d ask if we could try somethin’ new?” Dare asks.
“Like rope swing off the Oak tree over the river?” Ash says with a laugh. “That was so bad.”
“Which time?” I pipe up. “When EJ broke his arm or when BJ jumped in right after him and broke his in solidarity?”
“I forgot about that,” Dare says as both brothers laugh. “What I meant was, Dad always said ‘you won’t know unless you try’.”
“I remember it bein’ more like ‘try it or shut up about it’,” Ash muses. “But Dare’s right, this isn’t that different. It’s not like Jude’s goin’ to propose to you again—”
“Been there, done that.”
“Did the post-marriage runaway bride bit to boot,” Ash adds and I can tell he’s smiling.
Dare snorts. “As far as we see it, what’s the harm in messagin’ the guy back? Worst case scenario, he replies. Oh no, how rude,”
“I do miss you guys. I hope you know that.”
“Miss you too, Little Em,” Dare replies.
“I don’t. Means I only get bossed around by Dare and not you too.” That’s Asher, always one to deflect and mask.
“Wow. I’m really feelin’ the love, Asher Wilson.”
“You know I’m jokin’.”
“Mmm,” I hum, skeptically. “OK, well I better go. Give my love to the tornado twins and no doubt we’ll talk soon.”
Ash snorts. “Like tomorrow when EJ, BJ—or both—call you because they feel left out?”
“Pretty much,” I giggle.
“And reply to your husband. If not for anythin’ else so that he’ll stop askin’ us how you are. It’s double handlin’ and since he’s got your number now, and you’ve got his, you two can actually talk like real, bona fide adults,” Dare says slowly.
“A husband and wife talkin’ to one another, who’d have thought,” Ash deadpans.
“Yeah, yeah. Bye. Say hi to Rodney for me,” I add before ending the call.
I lay back down and hold my phone above me as I bring up Jude’s message and read it again.
I mean, what’s the harm in replying? What’s the worst that could happen?
So that’s exactly what I do.