Chapter 7
HAZEL
Is it wrong to feel hopeful right now?
Part of me says yes. That, given the circumstances, it’s ridiculous to feel anything but fear and anxiety.
Oh, and guilt. I can’t forget about that. Because, despite Alec’s assurances after I told him about Marissa three days ago, I still feel guilty.
Is it right for me to feel a flicker of hope when Marissa will never have the same opportunity?
My old counselor would say yes. She’d tell me I’m allowed to be happy. That it’s okay to feel hope for the future. That it’s okay to take enjoyment in things.
Up until a few days ago, I’d been doing better at taking her advice.
Maybe I wasn’t happy all the time, but I liked going to work.
I enjoyed helping out at Rory’s shelter.
I looked forward to my weekly trips to the grocery store, where I’d inevitably end up having at least three conversations with people I knew.
But it’s hard to stay positive when I feel like I’m trapped in a riptide of crappiness, and every time I get my head above water, another powerful current tries to drag me back down.
Like finding out that my brakes were indeed tampered with.
Enzo was able to pull some strings with the state police and get my car retrieved much sooner than expected.
Alec went to look at it yesterday and found evidence that the brakes had been set to stop working as soon as I hit fifty miles per hour.
And the emergency brake—which was electric and not manual, like I thought—had been deactivated.
So that wasn’t great.
Having confirmation that the two events were related makes me even more worried that it ties back to what happened in Boston.
Which in turn makes me think about Marissa and Jason even more, loading on more guilt on top of the near-constant fear, and before I know it, I’m laying awake at four AM torturing myself with what-ifs from three years ago.
So it’s really no surprise I’m feeling anxious about tonight.
The surprise is how much I’m looking forward to it, too.
Alec stopped by the cabin before heading into work this morning with an unexpected invitation.
“We’re going to have a game night at Enzo’s place,” he told me as he handed over fresh muffins and steaming hot lattes from Breakfast Bliss, “and I thought you might want to come. It’ll be pretty low key; just the five of us guys plus Winter, Rory, and Lark, of course. ”
Then he went silent while he placed the muffins on two plates at my little dining table, setting out little packages of butter and brown sugar and honey to go with them. Once he finished, he added, “It’s okay if you’re not feeling up to it. But I’d really like it if you came.”
How could I say no?
Especially when I really wanted to say yes?
Since I’ve been at the cabin, I’ve seen Alec every day. First, in the morning, when he comes by with breakfast that we end up sharing over conversation about favorite TV shows and movies and books and pretty much anything that doesn’t involve someone trying to hurt me.
Then he’ll take me to Blissful Brews for my shift, where he sits at a table in the corner to keep an eye on things, casting quick smiles in my direction whenever he notices me looking.
Or if he has to go into the office, he’ll come by the cabin right after, and we’ll watch another cheesy science fiction movie together while sharing whatever he brought for dinner.
I haven’t fallen asleep on him since that first night, which is both a disappointment and a relief.
A relief because I don’t want him feeling obligated to stay until I wake up like he did before, not leaving the cabin until almost five in the morning.
But a disappointment because I slept better that night than the three following, and I can't deny how good it felt to wake up with his arm around me.
Out of everything that’s happened recently, Alec’s the one part I’m not upset about.
Okay, that’s not true. I’m glad for his teammates and their partners, too.
Everyone’s been really nice—not that I didn’t think they were nice before, but talking to them around town or at Blissful Brews isn’t the same as living right on the GMG property—and I’ve been enjoying getting to know them better.
But spending time with Alec? That’s the true silver lining in all of this.
I know it can’t go anywhere beyond friendship. I know that’s not what Alec’s looking for, even if I wanted it.
It’s not like I want a relationship, anyway. Not after Jason.
But if I wanted to date someone, it would be a man like Alec.
I laugh out loud at myself.
Who am I kidding? I wouldn’t want a man like Alec. I’d want Alec, full stop.
Thoughtful Alec, who makes the twenty-minute trip from Stowe to Bliss even when he doesn’t have to, just to visit me.
Not only that, but he always takes the time to stop in town to pick up the food he thinks I’ll like best, like Mariano’s to-die-for lasagna or chocolate peanut butter pie from Decadent Delights.
Lovely Alec, who spent an hour working on my laptop the other night to make sure it’s one hundred percent secure, installing VPNs and three types of security so I can play my game safely.
Brave Alec, who thought nothing of diving into frigid water to rescue me.
And that’s not even taking into consideration how handsome he is. How sexy. How he makes parts of my body that have been stagnant for years come alive again in the most delicious of ways.
No, I’m not looking for a relationship. But if I were, Alec’s the only one I’d want.
Three quick knocks at the front door drag me out of my wistful fantasies. Even though I know it’s Alec, I can’t help the tiny bleat of surprise that escapes. Jolting at sudden noises is just one of the fun aftereffects of my two brushes with danger, along with nightmares and jumping at shadows.
As I hop up from the couch and head over to the door, the anxious voice in my head whispers, Maybe this isn’t a good idea. Maybe I should just stay at the cabin. Maybe Alec just invited me to be polite, and his friends would rather me not be there. Maybe—
No. Stop it.
This insecure person isn’t who I want to be.
Just before I open the door, I search around for my confident side.
The side that says firmly, Alec wouldn’t have invited me if he didn’t want to. He said he wants me to go. He spends hours with me each day when he doesn’t have to. If he invited me, he meant it.
Clinging to those thoughts and not the annoying, doubting ones, I unlatch the three complicated locks on the door and yank it open, allowing my fizzy excitement to rise to the surface.
On the other side of the doorway, Alec beams at me. His eyes light with pleasure, crinkling at the corners. That tempting dimple to the side of his mouth deepens. “Hey, Haze. How’s it going?” His gaze flickers to my toes and back to my face. “You look really nice.”
A beat later, his smile turns sheepish. “Sorry. My sister always told me never to tell a woman she looks nice. Apparently, nice is equivalent to bad, in women’s terms?”
Some of the tension I’ve been carrying lifts away. I smile back at him. “I don’t know if it’s bad. But it’s not great, either.”
“Well.” Alec leans in to give me a quick hug. He started doing that two nights ago, and now he’s taken to hugging me whenever he sees me.
Just a friendly hug, of course.
And if I use the time to appreciate how good he smells and how amazing his arms feel wrapped around me? Could any woman really blame me?
He steps back to give me another appraising look. “You look amazing. Is that better?”
My heart erupts into crazed flutters. Heat rushes to my cheeks. “You look pretty good too.”
Except good is a massive understatement.
Alec’s wearing a long-sleeved Henley in a mossy green that brings out the same shade in his eyes.
The fabric stretches just the right amount across his biceps and shoulders, reminding me once again how impressive his muscles are.
And his jeans… Well, no man has the right to look that good in worn denim. But he does.
Alec runs his hand through his hair, tousling it even more. My fingers twitch with the urge to test the softness of the strands myself. “Just pretty good?” he asks in a teasing tone. “Is that one step up from nice?”
A laugh bubbles up. “I suppose it is. How about, you look great? Is that better?”
He grins. “I’ll take great.” Glancing over my shoulder, his gaze sweeps the living room. “Do you need anything before we head over to Enzo’s? Or are you ready to go?”
“I’m ready.” I reach for my fleece hanging on the hook beside the door, but Alec beats me to it, holding it out so I can slip my arms into it. His fingers trail along the back of my neck as he adjusts the collar, sending shivers of pleasure across my skin.
Just friends. Just. Friends.
“Do you need your purse?” Alec asks, spotting my knit handbag on the hook just to the right of where my fleece was. When I nod, he grabs it and loops it over my shoulder, then holds his arm out to me. “Anything else?”
I take his arm, looping mine around it. It’s a quaint gesture, taking his arm, but I like it. I can imagine him learning the concept from his dad and tucking it away to use later. “I’m good.”
“Okay.” Alec punches in the code to arm the alarm for the cabin—because he wasn’t kidding when he said the buildings were safe—and leads me outside, shutting the door firmly behind us. “I thought we could walk, if you don’t mind. Since it’s not too cold. Unless you’d rather take my truck.”
I glance at his black pickup parked on the packed dirt road. “Walking is good.”
Alec pulls a flashlight from his pocket and flicks it on as we head into the woods, the beam brightening the trail. Even with a flashlight, I’d feel nervous venturing through the forest at night on my own, but with Alec, I’m not worried at all.