Chapter 11 #2
“Yes, you can. Stay with me. You can live in the castle. I’ll protect you. I’ll never let him make you cry again.”
“Xavier.” She wanted nothing more than to cry again, this time in the hope that he would put his arms around her.
It was a sensation she’d been imagining for some time.
But it wasn’t the moment to fall apart. “You know that’s ridiculous.
No one would let me do that. Not my parents, not yours.
In what role would I stay in the castle? As a chambermaid?”
“How about as my betrothed?”
“Xavier!” His name was more gasp than word.
“I’m serious, Alina. I’ll tell my parents that I want you to be my queen one day. They can’t complain that I’m being careless. I’d be giving my mother years to help you prepare for the role.”
Alina raised a shaking hand to her forehead. “Please stop making jokes. This is serious. This is my life.”
“I’m not joking!” Xavier insisted. “I’ve never been more serious about anything.” He flashed his most charming smile. “Not that it’s a very high standard to match, I realize.”
“Xavier.” Alina’s frustration was clear in her voice, and he sobered at once.
“I’m not joking,” he said again. “I mean every word. You tell your parents, and I’ll tell mine, and your father can’t possibly stand against that. It will probably make him decide not to move away if he knows what your family stands to gain from staying in the capital.”
“It’s all a very neat business arrangement, in fact,” Alina said waspishly.
“I was just being realistic,” Xavier said, his hands tightening on her shoulders. “I know how all the nobles talk about this stuff. Every family with an eligible daughter is hoping to use me to advance their standing. But I don’t want any of those girls. I want you.”
Alina didn’t know what to say. She just stared into the eyes holding hers with raw intensity.
Xavier’s hands tightened again on her shoulders, and all at once she knew he was going to kiss her.
He’d been moving toward it for weeks, growing bolder with every hint, none of which she’d tried to discourage.
First he’d started kissing her hand, in mocking imitation of the courtly greetings of his father’s noblemen. But she’d been sure there was something underneath that wasn’t a joke at all.
She’d been doubly sure the day of the picnic at the country manor of a hospitable earl.
He’d given her that look of mischief that he reserved just for her, and she’d obeyed the silent call to sneak away for an adventure of their own.
She’d expected something like the mulberry theft he dragged her into.
She hadn’t expected him to eat a mulberry right out of her hand when she was distracted, following up the audacious gesture with an even more audacious peck on her cheek.
She hadn’t tried to scold him. She’d been too busy laughing at the smug victory on his berry-stained face.
Next had been their latest unsanctioned expedition to their waterfall.
He’d challenged her to a race on their mounts, then right before declaring the race begun, he’d leaned over and planted a hasty kiss right on her lips, successfully frazzling her so much she had no hope of catching him when he sprung forward a moment later.
Her outrage and his gloating had painted it as a tactic to win the race, but they’d both known better.
This was different. There was no excuse to hide behind, nothing to shield either one of them from what was about to happen.
Part of Alina knew she shouldn’t let it happen, but she didn’t try to stop him.
She just stared at him, her heart in her throat as he planted his hands on her cheeks, the movement rough and unpracticed.
The next thing she knew, his lips were on hers. The kiss was more eager than skillful. He was agitated and earnest, his usual charming manner gone. She’d barely had time to kiss him back before he’d pulled away. Alina was breathless, her mind fuzzy and her lips tingling.
“Don’t leave, Alina,” he said. “I’ll give you anything to stay. I’ll give you the world.”
“It’s not…up to me,” she managed.
“Yes it is,” he insisted. “If you really want something, you’ll do anything to get it. I would do anything if our positions were reversed. I love you, Alina. I’ll love you forever.”
“Xavier,” she gasped, her breath snatched away all over again. “We’re too young to talk about forever. You don’t know what you’ll want a year from now, let alone ten.”
“You’re wrong,” he said passionately. “I know what I want—I want to be with you.”
“What you’re proposing is madness,” Alina insisted. “No one will take us seriously. Nothing will change my father’s mind, believe me, I’ve tried.”
“Not hard enough!” Xavier said the words angrily, desperately. “Don’t you understand what I’m offering you?”
“You don’t even understand,” Alina said, getting angry herself.
“You’re offering something you can’t give.
You talk like someone who’s never had to accept not getting his way.
You want me to abandon my family, run away from home, gamble my whole future on the chance that you won’t change your mind a month from now? ”
“That’s not fair,” Xavier protested. “I’m not going to change my mind. Why don’t you believe that I mean what I say?”
“You mean it right now,” Alina said. “But you’re not responsible enough for me to throw everything away on the outburst of the moment. You don’t take your duties seriously, you cancel invitations at the last minute because you don’t feel like going. You’re not reliable, Xavier.”
She saw the hurt flash across his face, saw his usually laughing features harden. She half-regretted the harsh words, but she had to be honest. She couldn’t let him get away with thinking she’d been fickle, or hadn’t cared about him. That wasn’t fair.
“You know how I feel about you,” she said, her voice choked. “But you’re asking something so unreasonable, the very fact you’re asking it proves my point.”
“I know how you feel right now,” Xavier said, his voice bitter. “But maybe it’s you who expects to change your mind in a month.”
“That’s not fair,” Alina burst out. “I’ve never looked at anyone but you. I probably never will. But this is out of my control.”
“Only because you’ve decided to give up,” Xavier said, steel in his voice. “You’re being a coward, and you’re not the only one who’ll be hurt if you don’t fight it. If you leave, I’ll never get over it. If you don’t even fight to stay, I’ll never forgive you.”
“Alina?”
Lilah’s gentle voice brought her back to herself, and Alina drew a shaky breath.
She was surprised to realize that her eyes were stinging with tears, just as they had been at Xavier’s parting shot all those years ago.
She’d been so hurt by him calling her a coward, so frustrated over his unreasonable anger, she’d turned and stormed away from him.
She’d expected one more chance to say goodbye, but when she’d returned home, she hadn’t been allowed to leave again.
They’d departed the capital the next morning, and that fight had been the last words she’d exchanged with Xavier.
Until now.
“Sorry,” she said softly. “I got lost for a minute.”
Her head still knew that she’d been wise beyond her years, that it would have been a foolish mistake to take seriously Xavier’s determination to declare her as his chosen future wife.
Even if the king and queen had allowed it, which she was sure they never would, he would likely have regretted it before she did.
What a mess they would have had to extricate themselves from.
Still, it wasn’t exactly comfortable to remember the things she’d said to him back then.
The hurt on his face still cut her deeply, doubly so now that she was coming to know the man Xavier had become.
There was a certain irony in the fact that he’d gone from those passionate declarations straight into an endless string of scandalous entanglements, while she’d lived up to her own prediction and never looked romantically at anyone since.
That rough, childish kiss was the only one she’d ever experienced.
And sensible as her head knew herself to have been, her heart still held the memory tightly. Too tightly for peace, tonight.
“You have no need to apologize,” Lilah said. “I never knew any of this, Alina. Your courage is inspiring, to have kept your cheerfulness through all you’ve lost.”
Alina gave a hollow laugh. “I’m not courageous, Lilah, but it’s sweet of you to say it.
” She sighed. “I’m going to the refinement site with the investigation early tomorrow, so I should try to sleep.
And I really don’t want you to worry about me.
The prince is entertaining himself with some flirtation because that’s what he does, but we both know far better than to take it seriously.
Everything I just told you was so long ago.
There’s no reason for me to even think of it, let alone dwell on it. ”
Lilah withdrew tactfully, but Alina didn’t think her friend was entirely convinced. And with good reason. Sleep was a long time coming, and while waiting for it, Alina found it very difficult to follow her own advice when it came to not dwelling on all the varied memories she’d stirred up that day.