June’s Entry
June’s Entry
Place: New Orleans
Sweetheart,
It’s a nigga’s birthday, and I’m not sure how I feel.
With the cancer growing stronger, I’m surprised I even woke up.
Each day the fight becomes harder, but each day the scent of mint mixed with orange citrus tells me you are still by my side.
I never thought I would be here trying to fight for my life. A life that has been so unfair to me.
With each thought of how rough the road has been that crosses my mind, it makes me angry.
It makes me not want to give a fuck about anyone or anything.
What’s the purpose of fighting for life when life didn’t fight for me?
Then there is you. You came into my life and shifted my thinking.
Now a nigga wants to live. I want to fight for a life.
I don’t know what the future looks like on the other side, but with you, it has to be the greenest kind of grass there is.
The day you took a chance on me by traveling from California to New Orleans was the day I knew I would stand by you from then to the afterlife.
Now, it’s time for my confession: my memory is fading.
No, the guys don’t know, and I don’t want them to.
I just want to get through this chemo, hoping the shit works and we can live happily ever after.
However, if it doesn’t, sweetheart, know I tried.
I saw you struggling in the bathroom the other day.
If I had to guess, a baby is swimming inside you.
I’m smiling because even though God is having a hard time deciding if He wants to keep me on earth, He was generous enough to allow my bloodline to continue.
Honestly, I’m not mad at it because He picked the perfect suitor to bear my child.
I want to be honest with you, though. I don’t know if having a child is a good or bad thing.
The man you're choosing to have a child with doesn’t know the first thing about being a parent.
There is a difference between coming from a two-parent home and coming from a place where everyone is your “Parent.” What if I’m not good at it?
What if the things I’ve been subjected to somehow seep through the cracks?
What if my love isn’t good enough? What if the cancer finds them? What if I fuck up?
The man you see on the outside is nothing but a boy still growing inside.
There it is. That’s the truth; however, I’m going to die trying to be the best nigga for you and our baby.
I will always be there, I will always fight, and I will always love you.
It’s a love that has been in me since the day I saw you moving into that fucked up bookstore café.
Anyways, tonight we celebrate Zoo-style. I told you it’s a real nigga’s birthday, one I don’t want you to ever forget.
I Love You, Zaria, soon-to-be Calloway.
Signed,
Mr. Fucking Calloway