November 1811
Darcy had been near madness during Elizabeth’s illness.
After the bridge had broken and she had fallen into the stream, she had been feverish for far longer than Mr. Jones thought safe.
Darcy had sat outside her door at Netherfield night after night, wishing to hear any word of her or at least be close to her while he prayed for her recovery.
He could not lose her now. After all they had been through and all the times they had been separated, he needed her to get well.
Even if she could never love him as he loved her and never become his wife, she must recover.
He assumed the Bennets had written to the Gardiners of Elizabeth’s condition, but when they did not come after four days, he wrote to his friend himself.
The speed with which the family arrived after his express reached them told him they had not been previously notified.
Gardiner clapped him on the shoulder in a clear statement of relief and gratitude for his letter.
“How is she?” the man’s wife asked anxiously.
“Her fever broke early this morning, Mrs. Gardiner. I have not seen her, of course, but I am told she sleeps a great deal and still has a cough.”
Darcy had been terrified to hear her cough in the first days, and he strained to hear all he could through the walls or when a maid opened the door briefly. He had been sure he had heard some improvement since that first day.
Enduring her illness from a distance had been even worse while he did not understand why Elizabeth had refused to speak to him in the weeks since his first evening in Hertfordshire, when he had danced with her at the Meryton Assembly.
He had thought they had parted on good terms that night.
Had something occurred after the Assembly to upset her?
He had castigated himself more than once for not proposing to her earlier.
He had had so many opportunities in the spring, yet he had been waiting until he felt he deserved her.
During her illness, he had finally realized he would never be fully prepared to be her champion, not knowing all they might encounter in society, but if she had agreed to marry him months ago, he could be with her now.
He could have sat beside her bed and held her hand and given her comfort and supplied his own meager strength as her frail body struggled to heal.
Instead, he had waited too long, and the Bennets thought he had no right to be so concerned about her state of health.
They had given him odd looks when they saw him outside her door, so he had taken to going for long rides, pacing his bedchamber, or attempting to sleep when they were likely to be about during the day.
His nights were spent as close to Elizabeth as he could manage, which was infinitely too far away.
“Jane? Promise me you and Mary will not delay your nuptials even if I am still abed.”
“Oh, Lizzy. You are doing so much better now. The wedding is not for six more days. Mr. Jones has said you will be allowed to come home tomorrow if you continue to do so well. You have been sitting up for a few days and even walking in your bedchamber. Do you feel well enough to come down to dine this evening?”
“I will try. I am tired now, though.”
When next she woke, in the early afternoon, Aunt Gardiner was the only one in her Netherfield Park bedchamber.
“How are the children doing, Aunt? I am anxious to return to Longbourn, so I can see them. I have never been away from them for so long.”
“Do not rush your recovery on their account, Lizzy. If you are not well enough to travel tomorrow, I will bring them to you.”
Elizabeth sighed and thanked her aunt. She had been surprised to learn she had been here for nine days, as she remembered little of it.
Between the fever and the sleeping, the time had actually passed quickly.
She was finally beginning to feel a little stronger but did not know how she would walk down the stairs and to the carriage tomorrow.
She would do all she could to go down for dinner this evening, however, so she would be prepared to go to Longbourn the next day.
“Have Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst been in to see you since they arrived yesterday?”
Elizabeth sat up more fully in her bed as she considered the sisters.
“They stopped for a few minutes this morning to tell me all their London news. Have you heard that Miss Bingley has finally decided between her two suitors?”
Her aunt nodded. “Yes. Apparently she and Sir Abraham Topplewight will marry in the spring. I cannot say I am surprised she chose a wealthy baronet over a tradesman. Still, I had thought she might choose the younger Mr. Hillyerd.”
“I admit I was surprised, too. I thought she would let herself marry for love rather than ambition. Perhaps she did not love Mr. Hillyerd after all.”
“Likely not. They looked to be in love, but she also seemed happy with Sir Abraham.”
“I suppose. It is not as though Miss Bingley and I have been confidantes for some time. I must have seen what I wished to. I hoped she would marry for love, so I saw two people in love.”
They sat in silence for a while, her aunt working on her sewing and Elizabeth thinking about Mr. Hillyerd. He must be terribly disappointed. The image of another disappointed man appeared in her mind unbidden.
Ever since the Meryton Assembly, she had been avoiding Mr. Darcy. She pretended not to see him or his confusing expressions. He looked at her as though longing to talk to her and then appeared discouraged when she prevented it.
He had wounded her too many times to allow herself to become close to him again.
That night at the assembly, she had been angry at him and then confused.
It seemed he had not been the reason she had missed the British Museum exhibit, but that did not mean her revelation had not driven him from London.
He had departed as soon as she had told him about her heritage.
Using his sister as an excuse, he had done what he had years before when he learned details about her he could not accept.
He had left without a word. A year that time, more than four months this time.
At least when she was seventeen, he had been honest enough to show his disappointment before he had gone. He had been harsh, and she had been harmed, but at least he had been honest.
In June, he had been tender and had embraced her in a way she had not been able to forget.
For a moment, he had made her feel cherished and safe.
But it had been nothing but an impulsive reaction, as right afterward, he had searched for a way to get away from her.
He had been trying to be kind this time, but he had not been forthright.
He had hurt her even more deeply with this second abandonment, as she had thought she mattered to him.
The first time, she reasoned she had been only an entertaining distraction, but this year, he had acted like a true friend before he dropped her acquaintance.
How, then, could he show up here and ask her to dance as though nothing had changed between them? Was he really so unfeeling?
She had remained with him for the supper set and spoken with him on the balcony, waiting for him to recognize how his cruelty had affected her and apologize.
He saw nothing wrong in his conduct besides not saying goodbye.
Yes, it would have helped if he had said goodbye, but it would have been better had he never left her.
“Aunt, have you seen Mr. Darcy at all since you have come to Hertfordshire?”
“Yes, of course. You know he is the reason your uncle and I came? Mr. Darcy wrote to inform us of your illness. He greeted us when we arrived and updated us on your situation. Your uncle saw you that day, though you were asleep, but he had to return to London the next morning.”
“Mr. Darcy wrote to you?”
“Yes. He even offered his carriage and servants to assist with the children if your uncle could not make the journey due to his work.”
Elizabeth had no idea he had done so much. She had told him at the assembly more than a month earlier that the Gardiners could not come for the wedding because of the Emporium.
“Edward took our carriage back to London, of course, and Mr. Darcy has graciously sent his carriage to Longbourn for me each day so I may visit with you for a few hours.”
Elizabeth did not know what to think of this new evidence of Mr. Darcy’s kindness.
It was not out of character for him, but she no longer expected he would do so much for her.
Her heart ached to let him into her life once again, but she knew the organ would not appreciate being crushed by him a third time.
Therefore, she wished to return to Longbourn not only to be with her family. She also needed to distance herself from Mr. Darcy. If she had to remain in this house once she was well enough to leave her rooms, how would she avoid him?
The truth was, she did not wish to avoid him.
She wanted nothing more than to be in his presence again as they had been all spring.
And that was before she had known he had been the means of getting the Gardiners here.
She evaded him only to prevent a repeat of the summer.
Now that she was recovering enough these past couple of days to be awake for more than an hour or two at a time, she could not keep Mr. Darcy out of her thoughts, and she alternately wished to rise from this bed and search for him or hide under her quilt until after her cousins’ wedding.
Either way, her heart would break a little more when he returned to London next week and found better ways to spend his time than with her. Could she live with herself if she did not talk to him once or twice more while she had the chance?
“You are a bit flushed, Lizzy.” Her aunt set her sewing aside and stood to touch her brow. “Your fever has not returned. Do you feel sleepy again?”
“No. I feel well enough. I should get up and walk around my room soon.”
Her aunt rang the bell for Dinah to walk with her. Apparently, she and Matthew had also been sent for while she was feverish.
“Did Mr. Darcy ask you to bring Dinah and Matthew?”
Her aunt looked sheepish but nodded. What an odd reaction.
“He speaks to me every day before I depart, you know.”
“Matthew?”
“Mr. Darcy. He always catches me before I leave and asks after you and whether he can be of any service.” Aunt Gardiner looked at her as though expecting the blush she felt on her cheeks. “He has been extremely concerned for your health, Lizzy.”
Perhaps the quilt was the better option. How many more days could she stay in bed? She blew out a frustrated breath. She was too weak to walk much but already felt restless. She would have to face Mr. Darcy, possibly as early as tonight.