Chapter 18 #3
God, my body can’t take any more crying. I’m going to dehydrate from producing so many tears.
I bite the inside of my cheek, but it does nothing to stop me from unraveling the truth.
“I miss Camila so much; I think about her constantly. I stare at her picture beside my bed every night, wishing I handled things differently, wishing I could have given her more of me.”
“More of you?” she asks, affronted. “You gave her your everything. You were her best friend, her sister.”
“I asked for space,” I croak. “I wasn’t there when it mattered. I did that to us.”
The weight of Camila’s passing has never eased inside my chest, and I feel the pain constantly.
Seven long years of remorse.
“Oh, Maddie.” She pulls me into her warm embrace and rocks me back and forth as I cry in her arms. “You’ve been holding onto this guilt for too long.”
“I-I never deserved her friendship.”
She leans back, shaking her head. “She would hate to see you like this. And I can tell you that, because she told me everything. She was never upset with you.”
I nod, swallowing hard. Because I know it’s true. My carefree, forgiving, wild-hearted friend would’ve hated knowing I was blaming myself.
“Maddie. You were still there for her in other ways.”
I shake my head. “I wasn’t.”
“You were,” she says with conviction. “By not knowing about the cancer recurrence, Camila was given a chance to embrace her life outside of her sickness. She was able to celebrate becoming a mom and have normal conversations without the underlying questions that often accompany cancer. You think you took a step back, but, Maddie, sweetheart, you were still in frequent contact. Maybe less than you had been before, but you spoke more than most friends. You were still her best friend, her sister, and I will always be thankful she had someone she could be herself with.” She smiles softly and takes my hand.
“I know you’re upset she didn’t tell you, but you played a part, unbeknownst to you, that I will always be grateful for. ”
“Thank you for saying that.”
“I mean every word. Now you need to let this go, Maddie. You’re punishing yourself for no good reason. It’s time to let the past be the past.”
Letting go of the past seems like it’s a common theme since last night, and it feels like something I want to do. But I’m afraid I don’t know how.
I stand and walk over to the collage of photos. Most of them now feature Claudina, but the older photos still remain. There’s one of the four of us—Nate, Leo, Camila, and me—posing in this very room before a night out. Another from summer camp, where our grins were big and sunburns were strong.
There’s even one of Claud and me from a visit with Harrison.
“Claud looks just like her,” I murmur.
“I know, she’s beautiful inside and out, just like her mother.”
I move down the wall, past photos of Juliette and Harrison. But just as I near the end, Rosa gently intercepts me, tugging me back toward the couch.
“Tea time,” she says a little too brightly.
I glance at the pictures, curious but unable to see anything.
It was almost as if she were preventing me from seeing the rest of the photos.
“Maddie Grace.” Rosa’s voice rouses me from a deep sleep.
I blink my eyes awake, and a waft of syrupy goodness invades my senses. “Is that your famous french toast I smell?”
“You know it. I made it just for you. To go.”
I sit and take a sip of the water she hands me. “To go? Kicking me out so soon?” I tease.
“No, but it’s ten in the morning, and I know you. Even though Leo called to tell you to stay home today, there is no way you’re missing a full day’s work. So you can eat it on your way home to change.”
She’s right.
I stand, yawning as I stretch. God, I wish I were a slacker. I’d love to stay home and sleep all day.
I’m exhausted.
“Thank you.” I take the breakfast and my now clean, dry clothes I wore here.
“I meant to ask, how’s your mom doing?”
God…another depression topic.
Do we ever get a break?
“She’s all right. It’s taken her a few years to figure out this living on your own thing, but she’s getting there.”
“When you convince her to visit, you let her know she’s more than welcome to stay here. God knows we have the room.”
“She’ll appreciate that. Maybe I can prove to her that the city is not just a concrete jungle, and there are beautiful homes with backyards and privacy.”
She laughs. “You’ll never take the country out of that woman, but she misses you and Mason, so she’ll come up soon enough.”
“Hope so. I worry about her.”
“If I ever see your father, he’d better watch out,” she says with meaning, and I believe it.
We found out a few years ago that Daddy had been cheating on Mama almost their whole marriage, and she knew.
She didn’t know what to do and had no one to turn to.
Whatever little money our family had, he made the majority of it. She was worried that if she left him early on, she’d have nothing to give us kids.
I’m not excusing her behavior toward me growing up. But I’ve come to realize that her controlling me was a projection of her own problems, and we’re now working on a relationship we never truly had before.
The main thing in our way now is our faith. I’ve decided to step away from the church, and she still hasn’t accepted it, but other than that, we’ve made strides in becoming closer.
“I hope none of us sees him again, especially Mason. I don’t want to bail my brother out of jail anytime soon.”
I lean in and kiss her goodbye.
“I expect you for Sunday dinner from now on.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I pause at the door and look over my shoulder. “And Rosa?”
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“I love you.”
She smiles kindly. “I love you, too.”
“Do you think one day you can tell me about Camila’s last days and all of the in-between that I missed?”
“Tomorrow too soon?”
I shrug. “Maybe. But I’m ready to move forward.”
“I hope you mean that in more ways than one.” She pauses. “He’s a good man, Maddie. All my sons are, but Nate has a kind soul, one that comes around once in a lifetime.”
I nod, my throat tight. “I know he does. It’s my favorite thing about him.”
I blow her a kiss, then step outside and take a deep, calming breath for the first time in a long time.