Chapter 19 #2
‘I see . . . I just don’t understand how anyone could stand to see you in this situation. I get that she has to look after her boys . . . fine . . . but it’s just not fair.’
He glanced around to check if anybody was eavesdropping.
‘We got together when I was a very different person.’
Ally nodded. She didn’t like to admit that she’d googled him and his partner, and seen them come up at numerous glittering events.
‘I don’t think you would’ve liked me then . . .’
‘What, the smarty-pants in the big house with the flashy lifestyle?’
‘Something like that . . . Look, Tanya was a socialite. All that stuff meant a lot to her – how she was perceived, all that. Being envied, I suppose. She’d have been on Dublin Housewives if it had been still around . . . I mean, she was a very attractive woman.’
‘Wow. We really are different . . .’
‘I suppose we were a match, back then. I might’ve been a massive prick and a workaholic, but I’m not the guy who lets people down. I don’t pretend it all makes sense, but I’ve failed enough people without failing them too.’
Ally had had a long day and at that moment her patience snapped.
‘Sorry, Pete, I can’t listen to any more of this.
Can you not see that this . . . inflated sense of responsibility, or whatever it is, is exactly what’s given certain people the chance to take advantage of you?
But it’s still on them, not on you! Are you going to keep up this crazy saviour complex or are you going to cop on and fight for yourself? ’
A couple of people looked around to see what the fuss was about, and Patsy lifted his little head for a moment and looked from one to the other, licking Pete’s hand for reassurance.
‘Don’t take me for a fool, Ally—’
‘Oh God, I don’t, Pete! That’s the last thing I think, but that’s what’s so frustrating. You’re such an amazing person. Look, I’m out of order. Tell me to fuck off.’
He contemplated his half-finished pint. ‘Saviour complex?’
In fairness to Pete, he wasn’t defensive around criticism. Ally nodded. There was no point in backtracking now.
‘You know, Ally, not many people in the world are prepared to tell you the truth . . . especially when things aren’t going well.’
‘Well, you just got a load of “The World According to Ally”. Are you going to stop being my friend now?’ she said. He looked down, then turned to her and smiled; the soft expression in his grey eyes caused her heart to melt.
‘I’ve done a few things I regret, but that’s not going to be one of them.’
‘So, we’re still friends?’
‘Still friends.’ They fist-bumped, causing a woman standing beside them to elbow her partner and make an aww face.
‘Well, that’s a relief, because you’ll be seeing a lot more of me. I’m going to go crawling to Dave and ask for my job back. Do you think I’ll get it?’
‘I think if you went in with a wooden leg and a parrot on your shoulder, you’d still get it.’
‘Now, drop me home, for God’s sake, I need to spend some quality time with my fish.
Tell Dave I’ll be in from Friday until .
. . probably the end of time. And will you, for God’s sake, start renovating that upstairs flat and stop living in the van?
I have nightmares about you and Patsy every night. ’
* * *
They pulled up outside her apartment block.
The orange streetlight was highlighting Pete’s profile, so he looked almost like a stranger.
Neither of them moved. Ally’s head was spinning, and not from the two glasses of red wine.
Tanya. He hadn’t answered her clearly about where he stood with his ex, and there was no way on earth she was going to do any more digging tonight.
Nope, no chance. The ball was in his court now.
The atmosphere was like that feeling just before a thunderstorm, when the air is so heavy that you know something has to crack.
But neither of them said anything. At last, Ally pulled herself together – someone had to do something or they’d be stuck there all night like a pair of frozen eejits.
‘OK, well, thanks for the lift, Pete.’
Unspoken thought bubbles floated in the space around them. She could feel Pete was struggling to say something but . . . what use was that? Fecking say it or don’t.
‘Yeah . . . goodnight – and thanks . . . Thanks, Ally. I really enjoyed the . . . chat.’
‘Me too.’
She jumped out of the van and almost slammed the door behind her. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
She stomped into her apartment and threw her bag on the floor, sliding down the inside of the door until she was sitting with her head in her hands.
The fish tank created a comforting glow visible through the sitting-room door, so she crawled towards it on her hands and knees, not even bothering to turn on a light. She took out the fish’s food and sprinkled some on the surface, causing them to wake up and flit enthusiastically towards it.
‘Sorry I left you alone, guys, I’ve been out wasting my life on a man.
Can you keep a secret? I really like him but I don’t know how he feels about me, and I can’t hang around, it’s going to hurt too much.
It’s too late to call anybody, even Rosemarie, and I can’t ask you for any more advice. It’s not fair.’
She threw herself on the sofa in a flounce, only to realise she was being poked by the Love Links book sticking out between the cushions. She started leafing through the index . . . under A for avoidant, D for disasters and finally H for hopeless.
After half an hour spent lying curled up in a ball and exuding all the self-esteem of toxic pond life, she began to calm down and ran through the list of ‘25 pieces of empowering relationship advice for women’.
In fact, these nuggets of wisdom would’ve worked for all forms of life – vertebrate or invertebrate – it was that bloody obvious. Things like:
Be a good listener. Damn right she was.
Show empathy. Check.
Speak your mind. Yikes, also major check (hope she hadn’t overdone that).
Don’t chase them. Was she? Hardly – he’d reached out to her today.
So far, she was perfect, according to this. So, why was it going so horribly wrong?
Don’t be a people pleaser.
OK, she could be veering into orange right there, and as Rosemarie had put it perfectly: ‘Don’t make a doormat of yourself.’ There could be a hint there, all right.
Finally, it hit her at number 20.
Become the person you want to attract.
In other words, you get treated about as well as you expect. Or, teach people how to treat you.
About then, she realised she was absolutely ravenous, far too hungry to wait for a takeaway, so she attacked the fridge and pulled out a slice of Evelyn’s quiche Lorraine, which was on its last day.
She hurled it into the microwave. Oh my God, it tasted heavenly.
She reflected that possibly part of what had caused her mood to collapse into a sinkhole could’ve been low blood sugar.
She sat against the sofa and forked her way through the quiche, opposite Harry and Sally, who were finishing up their own late-night supper.
‘I hereby declare,’ she announced to the fish, ‘that from now on I will respect and love myself, and treat myself the way I want to be treated.’ Harry and Sally blinked at her. It was all right for them; they were already perfect.
‘OK. It’s coming to the end of the year, so this is a New Me moment. What needs to change?’ Let go was what she decided. Give up, stop struggling and yearning and stressing. Just let Pete go and do what he has to, then focus on what you need to do.
Starting the following day, she was going to stop obsessing about the world outside (i.e.
Pete, obviously) and start listening to her own inner voice.
There were no guarantees, obviously, and in reality nobody knew shit, but at the same time, her only hope was to try her best to make different decisions and see if it made a difference.
After that, she felt significantly perkier and reassured that somehow things would improve.
And with that, she took herself off to bed, feeling like a whole new person.