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The house is dark when I hear the front door open. I'm in the kitchen washing the few plates I left behind when I went out for some errands. I don't shut the tap when I hear his voice.
"Dix?" It echoes slightly through the house. My thumb presses harder on the sponge, though the plate was clean five minutes ago.
"Dixie?"
He checks the living room first, I can tell by the direction of his voice. Then the bedroom, and then he finally comes to the kitchen.
"There you are." I don't look up. "Hey, baby."
His voice softens the second he sees me. I finally glance up just as he's walking toward me. He looks quite tired. His hair is slightly messy, face a little flushed, and skin still faintly smelling like smoke. His gear's still on.
He leans down probably to kiss me. I lift my hand immediately and push against his face lightly. A little soap gets on his face, but he wipes it away. "Mm-mm."
"Okay." He looks confused. Hurt, maybe.
Instead, he steps back, starting to strip off his gear.
"Everything okay?" he asks casually.
I look back at the cup that was now in my hands. "Yeah. I'm just tired."
He lets out a small breath. "Tired?"
"Yes."
"That's it?"
I shrug slightly. "Yes, Cameron. Problem?"
He doesn't respond right away. Instead, he sets his jacket on the coat hook. "No."
He moves to the parlor dresser, pulling out some clothes. He decides with a green henley and grey sweatpants. He changes right there, not even bothering to go into the bathroom. Like we're still that couple.
I don't want to look, but my eyes betray me anyway. Just for a second. The sleeves hug his arms, the fabric settling against his chest like it was made for him. It was the perfect indoor outfit, and he looked good in it. I look away the moment he glances up.
He finishes changing and leans back slightly against the dresser, arms loose at his sides. I can feel his eyes staring at me. "Dix."
I don't respond. "Dixie."
I sigh, louder this time, shutting the tap and wiping my hands off.
"What Cameron, what could you possibly want from me?"
His eyes soften as he steps closer. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"That's not true."
"It is." I stare at him. I walk upstairs to the bedroom, and I can hear him following after.
"Dixie, if you want us to be civil, you have to talk to me." he says, his voice low.
"Fine." I turn around just when I reach the room, looking him straight in the eyes.
He straightens his back slightly. "Go on."
I hesitate.
"I want you to quit your job."
There, I said it. I don't look at his face for any reaction. However, the silence that follows after makes it known he is certainly not pleased. He stares at me like I'm speaking a different language.
"...what?"
"You heard me." I say.
"Dixie-"
"I said I want you to quit." I cut in.
I finally pull my head up. His brows pull together, confusion flooding his face now. "But why?" The word is softer than I expected.
He's acting like he genuinely doesn't understand.
I repeat, crossing my arms tight. "You really have to ask me that?"
"Yes," he says, stepping forward slightly. "I do."
"Because you put yourself out there every single day!" I snap. "Running into fires, risking your life like it's nothing-"
"It's my job." he says firmly.
"Can you save yourself, Cameron?" I retort, voice rising. "Can you?"
"What does that even mean?"
"It means exactly what I said." I roll my eyes.
He shakes his head slightly, frustration creeping in now. "Are you saying I can't do my job?"
"I'm saying you shouldn't have to!"
"I'm head of the department, Dixie."
"And?"
"And I know what I'm doing," he says, towering over me. "I've trained for this. I lead people through this."
"And what happens when something goes wrong?" I fire back, no pun intended, stepping closer to him now. "What happens when you don't come back?"
"That's not going to happen." His expression hardens slightly.
"You don't know that!"
"I do everything in my power to make sure it doesn't."
"That's not a guarantee!"
"Nothing is!" he snaps, just a little louder now.
We're standing face to face- so close a few years ago we might've just touched lips.
"You're acting like I'm trying to get hurt," he continues, voice tight. "I'm not a reckless man."
"You are reckless!" I shout. "You run into burning buildings, Cameron! How is that not reckless?"
"Because there are people inside them!"
"And what about you?!" My voice cracks now, sharp and loud. "What about your life? Does that matter to you at all?!"
"It does," he says immediately.
"Then act like it!"
"I am acting like it!" He shoots.
"No, you're not- you're acting like you don't care if you make it out or not!"
My chest is rising and falling too fast, My heart beating faster than it ever has. My hands are shaking at this point. He looks at me like he's trying to understand something.
"Dix.." he says, quieter now. "This is coming from somewhere."
I laugh bitterly. "Yeah. It is."
"Okay, so tell me where."
I shake my head. "No."
"Why not?"
"Because you won't get it."
"Try me." He says. I step even closer. Close enough that I have to tilt my head slightly to look up at him.
"You leave this house every day," I say, voice low, "and you walk into situations where you might not come back."
He doesn't interrupt me.
"You think I'm just supposed to sit here and be okay with that?" He tries grabbing my wrists.
"No!" I cut him off again. "Answer me. Are you trying to kill yourself?"
His entire expression shifts. "Don't say that."
"Then stop acting like it!"
"I'm not acting like anything," he says, his voice is tight. "I'm doing my job. The job I've always had, the job you knew I had."
"I didn't think it would feel like this." I say quieter.
"Feel like what?" he sighs, shoulders relaxing.
"Like I'm just waiting for the day something goes wrong."
"You knew what I did, Dixie."
"I didn't know it would feel like this!"
"Like what? Like loving someone who risks their life to save other people?" he fires back, "God forbid, right?"
"No, stop- stop twisting my words!" My hands come up, pushing lightly at his chest. "You know that's not what I'm saying!"
"Then what are you saying? Because, I won't lie, Dixie. Now it sounds like you don't respect what I do at all."
"That's not true," I say, but it comes out weaker than I want.
"It;s like you're telling me the thing I worked all my life for is now just disposable."
My heart drops again. Is that how he really felt?
"It's not disposable, Cameron, you are not disposable!"
"And neither is my job!" he shoots back. "People depend on me. My team depends on me."
"And I depend on you!" I yell, voice cracking slightly. "I depend on you being here!"
"I am here!"
"But what if one day you're not?!"
"You really think I'd just leave you like that?" he asks, quieter now.
"That's not what I said..."
"It's what you're implying."
"I'm saying you don't get to choose when something goes wrong!"
"And you don't get to decide my life for me!"
"I'm not deciding your life, I'm just asking you to value it!"
"I do value it!" he says, gesturing with his hands. "Just because I don't show it the way you want me to doesn't mean I don't!"
"Running into fire is not valuing your life!"
"It's valuing someone else's!"
"And what about me?!" My voice breaks now, the edges fraying. "What about us?!"
"I'm doing this for us too!"
"How?!" I demand, stepping even closer, my chest practically hitting his. "How is risking your life helping us, Cameron?!"
"Because it's who I am!" he spits. "It's what I do! You can't just ask me to stop being that person because you're scared!"
Scared. I don't want to believe it, but that's what this is. That's what this all was, right? Me being scared. I hate that he's right. "I'm not scared," I say, but my voice wavers.
"Yeah, you are."
"I'm not..." My voice breaks, I look up to the ceiling to stop the tears burning behind my eyeballs.
"Yes you are, Dixie," he says, softer now but firm. "And instead of telling me that, you're trying to control something you can't."
"You don't get it," I whisper. My breathing stutters.
"Then make me understand, my love."
"No... no, you don't get it." I shake my head, backing up slightly.
"Then tell me." he steps closer, pulling me by my waist.
My chest aches in a heart shattering way only I will ever understand. "I already lost her..."
Cameron doesn't move.
"I already lost Jordyn," I choke out, my voice splintering apart. "I can't...I can't lose you too-"
Everything collapses. Tears come fast and violent in a way I can't control them, even if I wanted to. My body folds in on itself like it can't hold the weight anymore.
"I can't do that again," I sob, shaking my head, hands gripping onto his shirt without even realizing it. "I cannot- Cameron, I can't..."
His hands are on me, pulling me in, wrapping his arms around me, holding me tight. One hand cradles the back of my head, pressing me deep into his chest.
"Hey, hey-" his voice drops completely now, soft, urgent, breaking a little. "Dixie, that's what this is about?"
I can't even answer, my stupid sobs take over. My face is buried in him, fists clutching his shirt like if I let go he'll disappear.
"I feel like your life is on the line all the time," I choke out between sobs. "Every time you leave- every time you go out- I feel like...like-" I can't finish it.
He tightens his hold on me, one hand sliding up and down my back slowly, grounding, steady.
"I'm here," he murmurs. "I'm right here."
"I already lost my baby," I cry, my voice cracking so hard it barely sounds like me anymore. "I already lost her. I can't, I cannot go through that again..."
I can feel his breath catch against my curls. He breaks just a little too. "I know," he whispers, voice thick with sorrow now. "I know."
His hand presses gently against the back of my head, holding me closer. "I miss her too," he says, quieter, his voice wavering just enough that I can hear it. "Every single day."
We don't ever go there. Like ever. but now that we're there, everything hurts. Good golly, does it hurt.
"I can't lose you," I repeat, over and over, like if I say it enough it'll stop being true. "I can't lose you tooβ"
"You're not going to," he says immediately, pulling back just enough to look at me, his hands still holding my face, his thumbs brushing away tears that won't stop. "You hear me? You're not going to lose me."
"You don't know that," I sob.
"I do."
"No, you don't-"
"I'll always come home to you," he says, firmer now, even with all emotion in his voice. "Every time. I'm not leaving you, Dixie."
My head shakes weakly, tears still falling. "You can't promise that.."
"I can promise I'm doing everything I can," he says, his forehead pressing gently against mine. "Everything."
"I didn't even want to leave her," I choke out suddenly. "I didn't even- I didn't want to...I really didn't want to let her go."
"You didn't leave her." he whispers, his voice at the same level as mines.
"Yes I did!" I cry, pulling back just enough to look at him. "I had to...I had to and I didn't want to."
"That's why I can't lose you," I say, voice breaking all over again. "You're all I have left- Cameron, you're literally all I have."
He pulls back just enough to look at me, his hands coming up to cup my face, thumbs brushing away tears that won't stop falling.
"Hey," he says gently. "You don't just have me. You have yourself, you have everything you've built. Everything you are."
I shake my head immediately. "That doesn't matter if you're not here."
"It does," he says, firmer, like he wants me to believe it. "It matters because it's you."
"Listen to me," he whispers. "Jordyn...that girl, she wouldn't want all this."
My face crumples slightly at the name.
"She wouldn't want you living like this," he continues, "Terrified every second, waiting for something bad to happen."
"She wouldn't want you gone either," I whisper.
"I'm not going anywhere, but she also wouldn't want you to fall apart trying to hold onto me."
"She loved you," he says quietly. "You were her whole world."
My lips tremble.
"And you're still here," he adds, brushing his thumb gently across my cheek. "You're still my strong Dixie, even if you don't feel like it right now."
"I'm not strong," I whisper. Laughing quietly at the sentence.
"You are," I say without hesitation. "You're just hurting."
I lean into him slightly, resting the side of my head against his chest, just enough so that I can hear his slow heartbeat. He wraps his arms around me fully, pulling me in close, one hand resting at the back of my head, pressing a soft kiss there.
"I've got you," he murmurs. "I've got you."
For the first time in a while, my body doesn't tense up when he pulls me tighter. My arms don't automatically move up to push him away from him.
Despite everything, I want to be closer to him than never before.
~