ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝟛𝟡
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I shut the door quietly behind me. After all the traffic, construction, and wrong turns my GPS insisted were "faster routes," I didn't pull into the driveway until 9:12 PM.
Luckily, all the lights were off. I let out a small breath. Cameron must've been asleep by now. That was a good thing. Probably for the best.
I couldn't see his face right now.
I eased the front door closed until it clicked into place. Even that tiny sound felt too loud.
I slipped my heels off beside the entryway, wincing as my bare feet touched the cool hardwood floor.
The relief was immediate. I rubbed at one aching heel before leaning against the wall for a second.
My whole body felt heavy, and the notebook in my purse suddenly felt like it weighed fifty pounds.
I looked toward the staircase.
Maybe Cameron had fallen asleep waiting.
Perhaps tomorrow morning...
No, stop.
There wasn't going to be a magical tomorrow where this didn't happen. I knew that.
I quietly walked into the kitchen.
One glass sat beside the sink, half full. The water inside had gone completely still.
My eyes drifted toward the dining table.
There was one plate, a fork and a napkin. He'd eaten by himself.
I slowly reached out, absentmindedly straightening the napkin before realizing what I was doing. Why was I cleaning? Because somehow folding a napkin would fix today.
I pulled my hand back.
"Idiot." I whispered it to myself.
I swallowed. Cameron would understand, he always understood.
But definitely not tonight.
A lump formed in my throat as I quietly climbed the stairs. Each step creaked beneath my weight.
Normally, Cameron would've called out halfway through. He'd meet me at the top, wrap me in a hug and ask about my day.
I reached the hallway.
Our bedroom door was almost closed. Only a thin strip of warm light escaped beneath it.
He was awake. For some reason, that hurt more than it should. I rested my hand against the doorknob.
Maybe he was reading.
No. I already knew.
I slowly pushed the door open. "Cam?"
The room was quiet.
I saw him. He sat on the edge of the bed, still dressed from the event, but his navy button-down shirt was wrinkled now.
His tie had been tossed somewhere across the room, and his dress shoes sat neatly beside the bed.
Slowly, he lifted his head and our eyes met. Every excuse I'd rehearsed during the drive home vanished.
His eyes were swollen and glossy. There were faint tracks beneath them he'd clearly washed away.
He stared at me for several long seconds.
Gee, I could've died at that moment.
I couldn't breathe. "You're still awake."
The second the words left my mouth, I wanted to disappear.
That was brilliant, Dixie. Really? That was what I said?
"How was work?" His expression didn't change and his voice was quiet.
I slowly set my purse down beside the dresser. "I..I can explain."
He nodded once. "Okay."
I nodded as well. "Okay, I..."
"I didn't mean for it to happen like this." I rubbed my palms together.
He looked down at the floor.
"I really thought I'd make it. The interview just kept going."
"Yeah, I know." Cam looked at me.
My eyebrows pulled together. "You... know?"
Judge Johnson must've called him? No, they don't even know each other.
How?
"I know enough," His voice remained calm. "I know you weren't there."
I looked down at my hands. How was I supposed to meet his eyes?
"I know...I should've called, I reached for my phone-"
"But you didn't." He cut me off.
"I know." I closed my eyes.
He finally looked at me again. "I called you."
"Mhm. I saw when I got in the car." I nodded immediately.
"I just..I couldn't leave." Fresh tears burned my eyes.
He studied my face for a long time. "So you chose to stay."
"I..." My mouth opened. "Yes."
He nodded once. "So you made your choice."
My heart hurt. "It wasn't like that. Don't make it sound like that."
"No? It felt exactly like that from where I was standing."
I felt tears spill over. "Cameron..."
His eyes drifted away again. "I told Jonathan you'd be there."
My breathing became uneven.
"I told my mother 'This is Dixie, she's going to show up."
The room became blurry. "I'm sorry."
He nodded. "I know you are."
"I really am- I'm so sorry."
Every apology seemed smaller than the last- none of them were enough.
I took one hesitant step toward him. "Cam, I never wanted to hurt you."
"Well, you did Dixie. You really hurt me." He said.
That was brutally honest.
I knew I'd hurt him.
I knew that, but did he really think I'd spent the last five hours laughing while he stood there alone? I'd been fighting for us.
Fighting for my career, for the case. Fighting for everything.
Why did it suddenly feel like none of that mattered?
"But why did you have to lie?" He spoke.
I hadn't lied. Had I?
I would've been able to make the event if Justin Deyes didn't hate my guts, and he would have talked earlier.
I'd fully intended to be there. I could still picture myself leaving at four.
Then Justin remembered something, and another thing, then another.
Nobody seemed to understand that walking away would've destroyed weeks of work.
Why was I the only one carrying the blame?
"People need me at work..I had to-"
He suddenly stood up, pointing at his chest.
"But I needed you there, Dixie. My sister is missing."
Did anything I just stated matter to him?
Every apology I'd given had bounced right back at me, and every sentence circled back to Molly.
My career suddenly felt invisible.
Everything I'd sacrificed today. It was like nobody could see it. My head started to explode. I felt a sudden urge of frustration hit me.
"Not everything is about Molly!"
The words echoed around the bedroom.
My own heartbeat pounded in my ears.
I didn't understand why Cameron had stopped moving, then I saw his face. His mouth had fallen open just slightly.
I don't think he could believe I'd actually said it.
His eyes searched mine, like he was waiting for me to say that I'd misspoken.
I heard my own sentence replay in my head.
Not everything is about Molly.
Oh.
My.
Gosh.
My stomach dropped so violently I nearly stumbled backward.
"No..." I whispered. I covered my mouth with both hands as my entire body went cold.
I shook my head so quickly my vision blurred. "I...Cameron..."
"I didn't mean..." My voice cracked immediately.
I couldn't even finish the sentence. Hearing it back sounded worse.
I looked at him again. "Oh my goodness."
I started crying all over again before taking one step toward him.
"I'm sorry."
He didn't say anything.
"I'm so sorry. Cameron, please..." I closed the distance between us and before he could step away...
I wrapped my arms around him tightly. If I held him hard enough, maybe I could somehow erase the last thirty seconds.
But we both know that wasn't going to happen
"I'm sorry." The sob escaped before I could stop it. "I'm so so sorry."
He stayed completely still, his arms remained at his sides. He wasn't pushing me away, but he wasn't really holding me either.
Usually, the second I touched him his arms always found me without thinking.
But now, his arms stayed glued to his sides. It was the loneliest hug I'd ever given.
I buried my face against his chest anyway. "I'm sorry."
"I didn't mean it. I swear.." My shoulders shook violently.
"I swear I didn't mean it."
He didn't say anything.
"I love Molly, I love Jonathan. I love your family."
"I don't know why I said that."
"It's okay." He said quietly.
I pulled back just enough to look at him.
"It isn't," my voice cracked. "It isn't okay."
He nodded once. "It's fine."
"No." I shook my head harder into his chest.
"Cameron, don't say that."
"It's alright, Dix."
"No!" The word escaped louder than I intended.
His words should've comforted me, but they made me feel worse. Cameron was still trying to put me back together after I'd been the one who shattered him.
Who does that? Who comforts the person who just broke their heart?
Cameron West apparently.
That only convinced me more that I didn't deserve him.
I grabbed the front of his shirt as fresh new tears rolled down my cheeks. "Don't tell me that. I hurt you."
"It's alright."
"It isn't."
His eyes finally closed. His face tightened. I could tell he was trying not to cry again.
Then he whispered, "I'll be okay."
"I'm horrible."
"No you're not."
"I am..I am!" I couldn't stop crying. "I said the worst thing I could've possibly said."
He slowly opened his eyes. "You were angry."
"That's not an excuse."
"I hate myself."
His jaw tightened. "I don't want you to."
"I do. I really..I really hate myself right now."
His expression softened. Very slowly, one of his arms lifted. It rested lightly against the middle of my back.
It was enough touch to keep me from completely collapsing in front of him.
I cried harder.
"I really don't deserve you, I'm sorry. You deserve better-"
Cam held my cheek up, enough so I was looking directly at him.
"I don't want you saying things like that. You are so, so worthy, and I love you."
His words make me feel the slightest bit better, but guilt brought it all down.
"I'd take it back if I could. I wish I could."
"Mhm."
"I never wanted to make you feel alone...I never wanted to make you think I didn't care."
Cameron never replied, which only made me feel a hundred times worse.
I wondered if this was what I'd remember years from now. The look on my husband's face after I'd said the cruelest thing I'd ever spoken.
~