ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝟝𝟛 #2
I couldn't tell them I had no idea how she was even doing right now. We hadn't fully separated, but it still felt like it.
What was I supposed to tell them now?
"Uh.." I sighed. "She had to do something. I promise she isn't mad."
They both smiled. It wasn't until several minutes later that I realized I was smiling.
Molly was home. She was safe, alive and well. That should've been enough, but there was one person I desperately wanted to tell.
Dixie.
I could already picture her reaction.
Maybe she would've smiled, probably cried, then she would've asked a hundred questions, hugged me, while I held her.
I imagined it so clearly that I almost reached for my phone.
But I remembered.
I need some space.
I had promised I'd give it to her.
My hand stopped. I looked down at my phone.
There were already dozens of notifications from the station.
I ignored all of them, then I stood. "I'll be right back."
"Where are you going?" Molly looked up.
"Outside."
Jonathan and Molly nodded.
I walked through the back door. The moment I stepped into the backyard, the noise from inside disappeared.
The afternoon air was cool, and grass was slightly damp.
I looked toward the sky, and d finally let myself breathe. Molly was home.
I repeated it silently. Molly is home.
My eyes burned but I rubbed them quickly. "For pete's sake."
I laughed under my breath. I didn't even know what emotion I was supposed to be feeling.
I sat down on the back steps.
I should've called Dixie.
I really wanted to.
I pulled my phone out again. Her name was right there. My thumb hovered over it, then I stopped. She'd probably want to hear the news, but she'd also probably want to tell me about it herself.
That's what I'd done. When she won the Deyes case, I'd been distant, I'd barely celebrated with her, I'd let my own grief consume the moment.
Now Molly was home. Was I about to do the same thing?
Was I about to force myself back into her life because something good had finally happened to me?
I sighed. "No."
I lowered the phone. She needed space, even if I wanted to hear her voice more than anything. She'd asked for time and I needed to respect that.
I turned my phone off. I watched as the screen went black, then slipped it into my pocket.
I just felt awful.
Don't get me wrong- I was over the moon Molly was back and safe. If something had happened to her, I don;t think I'd ever forgive myself for it.
She was my sister.
But I missed Dixie badly, and I wanted her here. I wanted to tell her, and I wanted to celebrate with her.
Maybe someday soon, she'd come home. And when she did, I'd tell her everything.
I sat alone in the backyard with my phone turned off, listening to the faint sounds of my family inside.
My family was together again.
Maybe life was slowly rebuilding itself piece by piece.
And if that was true, maybe Dixie and I would be back together again.
I was going to make that happen.
~
"Put the darn computer down, and watch with me, Dixie!"
Dannah said, reaching over for my laptop. I moved away from her reach, so she wasn't able to touch it.
"Dannah, I have a lot on my plate right now. I need my job back, my marriage is completely bamboozled, and everytime I scroll, I see my name on some stupid article."
"Watching a romance movie is completely at the bottom of my list. I'm sorry."
Dannah's expression softened for a moment. "What about a drama?"
I raised an eyebrow, completely confused.
Dannah paused her movie before turning to me.
"Come on Dixie, I'm talking about you and Cameron."
I shut my laptop halfway.
I sighed. "I don't really want to talk about him."
"Mm-mm!" She pressed her mouth into a thin line. "I'm not doing that with you. When are you actually going to talk about it?"
"When I'm ready." I fold my arms.
"And when will you be ready? When you're in your 60's? You know you can't stay here forever, you're going to have to eventually come back to him."
"Yes, I know that-"
Dannah immediately reached for my hands, clasping them in hers.
"Dixie, Cameron misses you." Dannah squeezed my hands.
I looked down at our hands, but I didn't answer. What the hell was I supposed to say to that?
I miss him too.
That was the truth. The most inconvenient, humiliating, ridiculous truth imaginable.
I missed him, and I missed his handsome face, his stupid voice.
I missed the warmth of his arms around me, and, unfortunately, I missed his kisses.
A lot.
I slowly pulled my hands away from Dannah. "I know."
"Are you serious, Dixie?" She stared at me. Her shoulders slump.
"What else do you want me to say?"
"The truth."
"I just told you the truth."
"No, you told me you know he misses you. That isn't the same thing as telling me how you feel."
I sighed.
"No." She pointed at me. "You've been doing this for days. Stop deflecting."
"I don't deflect."
She gave me a look before leaning back against the couch. "You love him."
"Yeah, well, that's not the problem." I immediately looked at her.
Her eyebrows lifted. "Then what is?"
I stayed quiet for a couple minutes.
"He hurt me."
Dannah nodded. "You hurt him, and you both said things you didn't mean."
"You're still wearing your wedding ring."
My eyes immediately dropped to my hand. I hadn't even realized I was touching it.
I imagined Cam was wearing his too.
I quickly moved my hand into my lap.
"You still love him."
I swallowed. "That's not enough."
"I'm just saying that you don't have to pretend you don't care just because you're angry." Her expression softened.
I looked away.
The television continued playing quietly behind us.
Some overly dramatic couple was arguing about something that would probably be resolved in twenty minutes.
I almost laughed. Must be nice.
"I'm not pretending."
Dannah tilted her head. "Dixie."
"I uhm...I just don't know how to go back."
"What do you mean?" Her expression changed.
"I mean exactly what I said," I stared at the floor. "If I go back, what happens?"
I continued. "Do we just pretend everything is fine?"
"No."
"Do we talk about it?"
"Yes! Then you'll both figure it out.I mean, whenever Josh and I have an argument, we usually make it up hours later. We don't go to bed mad at each other."
"That sounds incredibly simple." I laughed quietly.
I leaned back against the couch. "I don't know if I can walk back into that house and just be married again. That's stupid."
"It's stupid because you're still married."
"I know."
"So what's stopping you?"
I looked at her. "Everything."
"You're scared." Dannah sighed.
Cameron had said the exact same thing to me. "I am not scared."
"You are. You're terrified."
I rolled my eyes. "Thank you for the diagnosis, Doc."
"You're welcome."
Dannah shifted closer.
"Are you scared of being vulnerable?"
I immediately scoffed. "That sounds like something from one of those terrible self-help books."
"Maybe, but it's true." She shrugged.
I hated how close Dannah was getting.
"I don't want him to think I'm weak."
Dannah's expression softened. "Why would he think that?"
"Because I left."
"You left because you were hurt."
"I also left because I couldn't handle being there."
"That's not weakness, hon."
I didn't answer. Dannah was quiet for a moment.
She asked softly, "Do you think Cameron thinks you're weak?"
I instantly thought about the way he'd held me when the reporters followed me.
He'd pulled me inside without asking questions, and wrapped his arms around me while I cried.
No.
He hadn't looked at me like I was weak, he'd looked at me like I was someone he still loved.
"I don't know." I decide.
Dannah sighed. "You do know."