25. Chapter 25
“Brynn, can you pass the potatoes, please?” my uncle, Albert, asks. He dips his head in thanks as I pass the bowl. “So, how’s school?”
Here we go. The conversation always starts this way at family functions. School gets brought up first, then my social life, and eventually somebody asks if I’m dating anyone. Ever since Connor and I broke up, my family has been very interested in my love life. Maybe I’ll get lucky this time. “School is fine.”
“What classes are you taking?” Albert spoons a heaping mound of mashed potatoes onto his plate.
“Well, I only have one left for my major, but it’s Organic Chemistry and it’s a doozy.” I sip my wine.
“I’m sure you’re not struggling, though.”
I shake my head. “I’m managing with my ninety-five percent average.”
“That’s my girl,” Dad says, holding up his wineglass in cheers to me.
Lifting my glass to him, I take a sip, licking the drops from my lips. “But I have a few classes I’ve been putting off that I have to take now.”
“Like what?” Aunt Barbara asks.
“Ones I should have taken freshman year; English lit, creative writing, and hiking.”
“What do you do in hiking?” Mom asks.
As soon as her question leaves her mouth, I cringe at the memory of my hike with Sam. Why did I mention hiking? I take a small bite of my food, chewing for a beat before I answer. “Mostly sit in class and learn how to hike. The safety precautions, how to pack, the dos and don’ts, stuff like that.”
“Do you do any actual hiking?” Uncle Albert asks.
With an inward groan, I say, “Yes. We had a class hike early on in the semester, and I had to facilitate one myself.”
“Did Lisa go with you?” Mom asks, and I know it’s because she doesn’t like me hiking alone.
But it still makes me grimace. “No. I couldn’t take friends. My professor said they would be biased in their grading.” I reach for my wine, but choose to change the subject right away instead. “Besides, Lisa probably would’ve been busy with her boyfriend.”
“Oh, how lovely,” Mom says, her eyes dancing with excitement. “When did that happen?”
“When did what happen?” my grandma chimes in, her meek voice barely audible.
My mom leans over to loudly say, “Brynn’s friend has a boyfriend.”
“Brynnie has a boyfriend?” My grandma’s face lights up, but I inwardly recoil.
That wasn’t the turn I was hoping for. I meant for the conversation to steer into Lisa’s love life, but that plan backfired.
Mom must notice the pain on my face, because she clears her throat and turns to my younger cousin. “Mary Beth, have you decided which colleges you want to apply to?”
I shoot my mom a tight smile and mouth a “thank you” in her direction. Magically, the rest of Thanksgiving dinner moves forward without the conversation spinning back on me. Poor Mary Beth gets the brunt of the interrogation, though.
I remember being in her shoes almost four years ago. Hell, even two years ago, my relatives would focus on my studies instead of my relationships. I suppose that was because I was serious with Connor so there wasn’t anything to talk about. That changed quickly after he left.
At first, it was condolences and making small talk about how life will get better, but it quickly became offers to set me up on dates. Aunt Barbara knew a woman from church with a son my age. Or there was Dad’s new coworker who had just finished college. I knew deep down they were just trying to help, but it only twisted the knife further.
My relatives shoving dating prospects in my face simply reminded me that I was dumped. If I hadn’t been, I wouldn’t have needed to meet anyone new.
When dinner is finished, I all but jump at the chance to help Mom clear the table. I gather plates and take them into the kitchen. Setting them down with a heavy breath, I turn on the faucet to fill the sink and pump some dish soap into it.
“You okay, honey?” Mom asks as she steps through the doorway with the turkey platter in her hands.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” But the despondent tone in my voice says otherwise.
“You know Mimi didn’t mean anything by what she said, right?”
“I know.”
Mom sets the platter down and wraps an arm around my shoulders. “She’s stuck in a time when you were young and played a lot of ‘house.’ You used to go on and on about getting married and having a baby. In fact, I seem to recall you were going to have fifty babies.” We share a laugh, and she squeezes me against her side. “She remembers that version of you, that’s all.”
I nod. Shrugging off her arm, I begin sliding plates into the sink water to soak.
Mom sighs. “Do you still want those things, Brynn?”
“I think so.” My shoulders slump as if a weight has been dropped onto them. “But why is it such a big deal that I haven’t settled down? Not everyone meets their soulmate at seventeen like you.”
“Your father and I were lucky, but for the record, we’re quite proud of your academics.” She tucks her finger under my chin and turns my head. “You’ve accomplished a great many things, boyfriend or not.”
Pride swells in me, but it quickly wilts, and I turn the faucet off. I let my fingers fall to the mountain of soap suds built up, brushing the peaks. “It’s not like I don’t want to find someone.”
“I know, honey. I think everyone worries about you after what happened with Connor.”
My insides twist at the mention of his name.
“Have you dated anyone since he left?”
“No,” I say out of the side of my mouth. It’s not a lie. Sam and I aren’t dating, we’re fucking, but I don’t need to explain that to my mother. “I’ve tried, Mom. I went on a couple dates, but they sucked.” And one very good one that led me to sleeping with my enemy. Though, that’s not what he was at the time.
“Every failed date is a step closer to the right one.”
Tears prick my eyes. I thought Connor was the “right one.” Then I thought Sam was. “What if… What if there’s no one for me?”
“Oh, Brynn.” Mom wraps me in a tight bear hug. She runs her hand down my hair, and I nuzzle into her shoulder. “I’m a firm believer in there’s someone for everyone. You just have to keep your eyes open.”
“They’re open, Mom. I’m not seeing anything.” I sniffle and lift my head.
She puts her hands on my cheeks. “Sometimes you find diamonds in the muddiest of puddles.”
My eyes flick between hers as I try to make sense of her words.
“Now, come on. Let’s finish cleaning up.” She pats my cheek. “Aunt Barbara brought her famous pies.”
I make it through dessert and card games without another issue, but that night, in my old bedroom, I lie in my twin-size bed and stare at the ceiling. The light from lamppost outside streaks across the popcorn texture.
As I gaze upward, I mull over my mother’s words from earlier. Is there really someone out there for everyone? If so, where do I find the one for me?
I don’t often let myself feel these emotions. In fact, ever since Connor left, I’ve actively avoided thinking about the future of my love life. I’ve switched gears to focus solely on my academic future. It’s more concrete. I can see exactly what’s in front of me, and I know exactly what I need to do to get what I want. There’s been no gray area.
Except now, Sam has blurred things.
For three years, I’ve had my sights set on the internship with Dr. St. James. There’s been no question in my mind that I’ll get it. That’s what I’ve been working toward and the path to get there has been clear as day. I’ve had no competition, no distractions, until now.
And what’s worse is it’s not even about the internship anymore. I’m beginning to like Sam. I don’t want to, but I can’t help it. Our intimate goodbye sex last weekend didn’t help anything, either.
I still can’t get over the look in his eyes, or the gentle way he touched me, or the tenderness of his voice. It doesn’t even feel right to say we had sex. That’s not what we did. We made love, and I’ll be damned if it wasn’t the best we’ve had.
What am I going to do? I certainly don’t want to stop having sex with him. That’s not even an option for me. And I can’t tell him I’m growing feelings for him. That would ruin everything. He’d probably call off the whole arrangement, and then where would I be? Alone and sexually unfulfilled, that’s where.
No. The best action to take is no action at all. I’ll go on like nothing weird happened. I’ll keep my feelings to myself, and who knows, maybe it was a fluke. A one-time thing that sparked some long-buried desire to be in love again. I know Sam’s not the one for me, but I’ll have to make sure my heart stays on board.
When I round the corner on my way to lab the following Tuesday, I’m surprised to find Sam already waiting at the door. My heart skips a beat as I drink him in.
Luckily, he’s distracted by his phone, so he doesn’t see me right away. With his back leaned against the wall and his chin dipped, his curls fall around his face to frame it perfectly. Even though he’s wearing a coat, his broad shoulders still fill it out. I have to swallow as my eyes fall to his hips and my mind replays the delicious ways they move.
When I get closer, he lifts his head, and his whole face lights up at the sight of me. He tucks his phone into his pocket. “Hey, Brynn.” My name slides off his tongue like satin. “How was your Thanksgiving?”
Dammit. I missed him over the break. “Good. No drama. How was yours?”
“Really good. Got to see all my siblings, and Walt. Actually spent a lot of time with him.”
“That’s nice.” I give him a tight-lipped smile. It’s all I can do not to throw myself into his arms.
He shoves his hands in his pockets and sighs. “It’s nice to see?”
“Sam!” Maya’s voice cuts through the air, making both Sam and I wince. She sidles right up to him, not paying me any attention. “How was Thanksgiving?”
He does a double take in her direction. “Um, hi, Maya. Thanksgiving was good. Brynn and I were just talking about ours.”
Maya’s gaze flicks between us, confusion on her face. “Oh, sorry.”
“It’s okay, Maya. Mine wasn’t that exciting, anyway.” As I back away to give them some privacy, Sam shoots me a look I can only describe as longing. He’s not pleading with me for help. He seems almost disappointed that I’m leaving. The expression quickly fades, though, and he turns to engage in conversation with Maya.
His entire demeanor changes as soon as he does. The laid-back Sam I spoke to is gone, replaced with an animated, jovial version. I don’t know whether to be disheartened or not.
I don’t get much time to think because Dr. Hinkle comes around the corner and opens the lab door. We all shuffle in, taking our seats while the professor hands out the work for the day. When Sam sits down across from me, we catch each other’s gazes and he winks. My stomach flips, but I set my focus on my tasks.
Part way into our setup, Sam leans over the table to spy at my measurements. I playfully slap my hand over my paper and shake my head. A sly smirk spreads over his face, so I arch my eyebrow in challenge.
“Sam, hey. Sam, I have all the numbers right here,” Maya says in her bubbly voice.
Sam reluctantly slides back into his chair, but keeps his smoldering eyes on mine until the last second. He turns to Maya, seemingly forgetting about me.
I huff, turning to my lab partner, Micah, and continuing our setup. Once we’re ready, Micah goes to fetch the supplies, and I’m left alone with Sam and Maya. Really, I could say I’m left alone, because Maya keeps such a tight leash on Sam, he can’t even glance in my direction. But I stare at him all the same.
I don’t know if I’ve never noticed before, but he has the cutest curl to his lip when he laughs. And the way his hair bounces back after he runs his hand through it? Ugh, so adorable. When his tongue darts out to lick his lips though, that’s when I feel a familiar ache between my thighs. I bite down on my cheek and avert my eyes. I’m not doing myself any favors.
Sam and Maya finish their setup, so Sam goes to collect their supplies. I’m not even going to deny that I stare at his ass the whole time he’s up. It isn’t until Maya clears her throat that I look away.
“Do you need something, Maya?”
She purses her lips as she folds her arms. “Don’t think I don’t see what you’re doing.”
“Uh, I’m sitting here.”
“Nuh-uh.” She shakes her head. “I see you staring at Sam.”
My stomach drops. I feel the need to defend myself. “I was just staring off into space, Maya. I didn’t even realize he was?”
“Oh, shut up.” She rolls her eyes, letting out an exasperated sigh.
I await an explanation, but Micah returns with our samples, and I’m forced to switch gears. Not soon after, when Sam comes back to the table, I do my best to ignore him. I can feel Maya’s death glare and I don’t need to add fuel to the fire.
The rest of lab time creeps by. Me trying not to look at, or engage with Sam in any way, is exhausting. Micah and I are one of the first groups to finish, so I bury my nose in my O-Chem textbook. I’m deep into a section on polar covalent bonding when a hand grips the top of my book and pulls it down. I lift my gaze to find Sam smiling at me.
I scan the room to see everyone packing up. “Is lab over?”
“Yeah, brainiac.” Sam chuckles, but glances over his shoulder at Maya returning their equipment. “Can you help me out? I need to get Maya off my back.”
I nod as she comes back to the table. “Okay, Sam. All cleaned up. Ready to go?”
“Uh… well...” He rubs the back of his neck. “You see…”
“Sam, we really need to work on the presentation for study group this Friday since we didn’t this weekend,” I chime in.
The immediate fiery glare I get from Maya is negated by the appreciation pouring from Sam. A comfortable warmth radiates through me, melting my insides. The only way it could get better is if I were also being warmed by his strong embrace.
He blinks and turns to Maya. “She’s right. We really need to get that done.”
Maya’s mouth opens for a rebut, but she snaps it shut and smiles. “Sure. See you later.” Before she leaves, she shoots me with one last sneer that could freeze over Hell.
I whistle a descending tune. “Wow.”
“Yeah, I know.” Sam stands, hiking his backpack onto his shoulder. “Thanks. I owe you one.”
When he turns to leave, I leap from my seat, skipping to catch up as we enter the hall. “Can I cash that in tonight?” The words spill from my lips before I can stop them.
He stops mid-step, looking at me with furrowed brows. “Tonight?”
Ugh. He’s probably going to tease me for being antsy. I shouldn’t have said anything. “You know what? Never mind,” I say, picking up my pace.
“Brynn, wait.” Sam grabs my arm, stopping me in my tracks. “What did you mean, cash it in tonight?”
The curiosity in his tone contrasts with the concern on his face, and a pit of guilt settles in my gut. I shouldn’t have said anything, but I can’t back track now.
“Listen, Sam, I’ll be honest with you. It’s been a long week and a half, and I could use a little…” I swallow my nerves. “Release.”
His mouth ticks up on one side. “Wouldn’t that be a violation of our agreement?”
I shake my head. “We can still work on the presentation. That does need to be done, but first I want to do you.”
“I like the sound of that.” A full-face grin spreads across his features as he rubs his chin. “Okay, my place, five o’clock.” He leans down, putting his lips to my ear. “And wear that lacy number again.”