33. Chapter 33
Idon’t miss Sam. I don’t miss Sam. I don’t miss Sam.
If I say it enough, eventually it’ll become true, right?
I’ve been repeating it all week, it has yet to sink in. It’s making me question my choice to end our arrangement. I thought that was the best thing to do. I was struggling with my feelings, so the natural solution was to cut myself off from the temptation.
And it was working. Everything was going swimmingly.
Until he ruined it by labeling us as friends.
Now, all I can think about is how friends don’t do the things we were doing. Classmates casually hooking up? No problem. Fuck-buddies calling each other out of the blue? Sure thing. Hell, even as enemies I was fine with some hate sex, but this new label changes our circumstances.
I may have shut the door on us, but he locked it.
Sitting here, watching him dole out questions for our latest study group isn’t helping, either. All the little things I ignored about him before are catching my attention. For instance, when he’s nervous, he clears his throat. It’s something small you wouldn’t notice otherwise, but I’ve become attuned to it.
I’ve also learned the difference in the way he smiles. When his lips are closed, he’s doing it to be polite. It’s how he smiles at Maya. I get full-faced grins where his mouth stretches from ear to ear and his eyes light up. Even the smirks he gives me show a little teeth.
As Sam wraps up the presentation, he turns that devastatingly great smile on me. “Well, that was fun,” he says as he shuts down his computer. “I don’t know if we can top it next week.”
A pit of disappointment settles in my gut. “We don’t have to.”
Sam turns to me, eyebrows furrowed. “What do you mean?”
“We don’t have a study group next week, remember? It’s the week before Christmas break, and we have a test.”
His expression falls. “You’re right.”
“Ooh, say that again,” I tease.
He scoffs, rolling his eyes before going back to packing up.
I swallow deeply. “And no lab, either.”
His shoulders noticeably sag. “So, I guess I’ll see you in O-Chem next week.”
“Yeah, I suppose so.” I hate the despondency in my voice, but I can’t help it. I wish we had a study session next week. I wish I had an excuse to hang out with Sam one more time before break.
But I’m not that lucky.
Sam turns to face me as he hikes his backpack onto his shoulder. He doesn’t say anything, but his mouth ticks up on one side. When he juts his chin toward the door, we both shuffle out. Walking down the hall in silence, we fall into step together. He could easily out-stride me, but he keeps my pace until we reach the door, which he opens for me.
We step outside and into a light snowfall. Big, fluffy, white flakes float around us, shimmering in the lights of the building. I close my eyes and dip my head back. Snowflakes gently land on my face, sticking to my lashes and making me smile. When I open my eyes, I find Sam watching me with an adoring look on his face.
I quickly brush off the flakes. “Sorry. I just love a good snowfall.”
“You don’t have to be sorry,” he says in a low voice as he steps to me, lifting his hand to brush snow from my cheek. “It’s nice to see you happy.”
His hand lingers at my jaw, and my skin burns under his fingertips. The intensity in his gaze has my heart racing as I flick my eyes to his mouth. If I tip up onto my toes, our lips will touch. It wouldn’t hurt anything, right? Just a simple goodbye kiss.
As my chin tilts up, Sam drops his hand and steps back. “Have a good weekend, Brynn. I’ll see you next week.”
Defeat fills me to the brim, but leaves me empty as I watch him walk away. I don’t know what exactly I was expecting. I called off our arrangement, and he cemented it with his label. So why did I think it would be appropriate to kiss him?
Feeling like an idiot, yet again, I trudge home through the snow to spend my weekend hunkered down in my room, studying.
Alone.
“Good God, Brynn. Did you go running again?” Lisa asks as I walk through the front door.
“Yes,” I huff between breaths. I shuck my gloves and slide out of my shoes before pulling off my ear warmer. “It’s not so bad out now. This morning was worse.”
“I can’t believe you got up and went for not one, but two runs today. And you went on one yesterday!”
I nod. “And one on Sunday, and one on Saturday. What’s your point?”
“My point is you’re crazy.” With a dismissive wave, she goes back to flipping through Netflix. “What’s got you so wound up lately?”
I sigh and take a seat on the couch next to her. “I haven’t had sex in three weeks.”
“What?” Lisa’s jaw drops and her eyes widen. “What happened to your arrangement with Sam?”
“I called it off.”
“Dude...” she groans. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I shrug. “It didn’t seem like a big deal at the time.”
“Wait, you’ve still been meeting him on the weekends. What are you guys doing if you’re not fucking?”
“Literally nothing except working on the study group stuff.” I hate how frustrated I sound. “But it’s been so good, Lisa. We’re getting along really well, but I miss the sex.”
Lisa snorts. “I bet you do.”
“Ugh.” I drop my face into my palm. “What do I do?”
“Tell him you want to start fucking again,” she says it so nonchalantly as she picks up the remote.
“I can’t say that.” I chew on my lower lip. “Besides, he friend-zoned me.”
Lisa’s entire face scrunches. “How in the hell did you guys go from one-night stand material, to mortal enemies, to fuck-buddies, to just friends?” She lets out a heavy breath. “This is getting too complicated.”
“That’s just it, though. It’s not complicated anymore. We’re friends.” I slouch into the couch, letting the cushions swallow me. “Boring, platonic friends.”
“Brynn, there is no way you two are platonic. You’ve been sleeping together for months. That stuff leaves behind residual attachment you can’t get rid of. You of all people should understand that. It’s science.”
I chuckle, but it fades. “Yeah, but the whole point of us sleeping together was to make us hate each other a little less, and it worked. I don’t hate him anymore.”
A knowing grin spread across Lisa’s face, and her eyes light up. “So, you like him?”
I take a moment to examine the question. I do like Sam, but is that romantically or physically? I’ve left our past behind, and managed to become friends with him, but I think that’s where it stops. “Not that way. I just like him when he’s naked.”
“Same difference.”
“No, it’s not,” I say, shaking my head and putting a finger up to make a point. “Liking someone means you have feelings for them, which I don’t. The feelings I have for Sam aren’t from my heart, they’re only from between my thighs.”
A laugh bursts from Lisa and she practically chokes on it. “Okay, that’s fair. I’ve seen the guy and I can’t blame you for that.”
My smile fades. “But I hate the idea of using him for sex.”
“Trust me, guys don’t care as long as they’re getting laid.”
“Some guys might not care, but Sam doesn’t seem like that kind of guy. I don’t know. I’ve gotten to know him better, and I feel like me only wanting to be physical would hurt him.”
“What about doing it one more time to get it out of your system?”
My eyes narrow. “You’ve had that idea before and it still sounds terrible.”
“No, think about it.” Lisa shifts her position to face me. “It’s the Tuesday before break, and we’re not going home until Sunday. You and him can pick a day to meet up, fuck each other’s brains out, and then you’ll have almost a month to get over him before classes start up.”
I hope the pure skepticism on my face comes through clearly. “Lisa, that is the worst idea you’ve ever had. I can’t sleep with Sam again if I want to get over him.” I nod curtly to myself. “I’ll have to be strong.”
“Better buy some new running shoes, then.”
“Overall, I was very, very pleased with the outcome of this test,” Professor St. James says as she wraps up her recap of our exam. “So, for the next few weeks, don’t even think about Organic Chemistry. See you all next year.”
There’s a collective cheerful ovation from the class as everyone gets up to leave. I pack up quickly so I can make it out before Sam. I’ve decided it would be best if I don’t see him in case I lose my resolve and take Lisa’s advice.
Before I make it to the door, Professor St. James stops me. “Brynn, can you stay for a few minutes? I’d like to talk to you and Sam before you leave.”
I inwardly groan. “Sure. No problem.”
As I stand at her desk, the professor turns away to wipe the white board, and Sam sidles up next to me. “How’d you do on the test?” he asks.
“Ninety-eight percent,” I say proudly. “You?”
He smirks, but it turns into a grimace. “Eighty-seven.”
“Wow, that’s low for you. What happened?”
“I was just…” He clears his throat. “Preoccupied.”
I suck in a breath as I nod. I wonder what he was preoccupied with? And why is he nervous to tell me? Maybe he was with another girl. Has he moved on since our arrangement has been over for a few weeks? I know he said he’s not the type to sleep around, but it has been a while. I guess I can’t blame him.
But why does that sting?
“Okay, thanks for sticking around,” Professor St. James says as she turns to face us. “I wanted to tell you both how much I appreciate the work you have put into this study group. The test scores have improved drastically. I couldn’t be happier.”
A beaming smile overtakes my face, dulling the pain of Sam replacing me.
“I know I said I couldn’t compensate you for your time, but I wanted to do something to show my gratitude, so here.” She hands Sam a small envelope. “It’s not much.”
He opens it and slides out a gift certificate to a local Italian restaurant. “Wow, a hundred bucks? Thank you.”
“Well, I thought you two deserved something, and while I can’t technically pay you, I could at least buy you both nice meal.” She shakes our hands. “Enjoy your holidays. I’ll see you next year.”
Sam and I both profusely thank the professor before we leave the room. As we walk the hall, Sam studies the gift certificate. “I can’t believe she did this.”
“I know. It’s really nice of her. And I love that restaurant.”
Sam’s gaze flicks between me and the certificate. “Well, then, here.” He holds it out to me. “You take it. You can go have a girls’ night.”
“What? No, Professor St. James gave it to us. You deserve to use it as much as I do.”
A flash of appreciation blazes in his irises. “Would you want to use it tonight?”
“Tonight?”
“Yeah, I mean, unless you have plans.”
“No, no plans.” I shake my head, more so to clear my confusion than anything. “I just wasn’t expecting to use it so soon.”
He hikes a shoulder to his ear. “Well, I’m leaving early Saturday to go home, so it’s either tonight, or January.”
Him putting it that way makes a sense of urgency rise within me. “Tonight is fine. Can we meet at, like, six?”
“Sure. I’ve got one more class today, and it goes until four-thirty, so six is perfect. See you later,” Sam says before turning to walk in the opposite direction.
All I can do is stare after him. What am I doing? I spent the whole last week avoiding the guy so I could get him out of my system, and here I am agreeing to dinner with him. I must be crazy.