Chapter Sixteen
By the time we were changed for dinner, Lady Hardcastle, of course, had figured everything out. Despite my irritation, she, of course, was still refusing to explain it to me.
‘Do you know,’ she said as I pinned up her hair, ‘I can’t fathom out why JB is insisting on having this farewell dinner. Two of his guests are dead. Everyone must know by now that both of them were murdered. Everyone knows that one of the others is the murderer—’
‘Except the murderer himself,’ I said. ‘He – or she – knows he’s the murderer.’
‘Well, quite, and—’
‘And who is that?’
‘Who is what?’
‘Who’s the murderer?’
‘I should have thought it was obvious.’
‘Oh, yes, of course. I’ve known since this afternoon, obviously. But I just wanted you to say it.’
‘And I shall. But what I was going to say right now is that no one wants to be here any more. I should have thought we’d be better off with another carpet picnic while we all packed and got ready to scoot off as soon as Vickerman arrives with the boat tomorrow morning.’
‘I’ll be honest: everything you lot do has always been a mystery to me. Your intimate soirées and your country weekends, your shooting and fishing, your bridge nights and elegant lunches with friends. It’s a million miles from how most people live their lives.’
‘And you’d think that with all this money and power we’d have freedom to go with it, but we impose ever more vacuous rules on ourselves, tying ourselves up with absurd social rituals.’
‘Like getting dressed for dinner instead of telling your best friend the solution to the murder mystery,’ I said.
‘Exactly like that. It’s ridiculous.’
I tutted, shook my head, and tried to think of anything else that might properly express my exasperation, but I knew deep down that I’d just be playing into her hands if I made too much more of a fuss. Just give her her moment, I thought.
Down in the library, JB poured us each a gin and tonic with his customary bonhomie, as though there were nothing untoward going on at all.
Patience arrived, dressed in her most extravagantly elegant evening gown yet, and adorned with a perfectly chosen set of matching sapphire jewellery – earrings, necklace, brooch and bracelet.
She asked for: ‘Something wild and decadent, JB darling.’
‘Coming right up. And here’s Gran and Dot. What can I get you folks?’
‘What’s everyone else drinking?’ asked Bridgewater.
‘Emily and Florence are having gin and tonic. Patience has asked for something wild but I’ve not quite decided yet what that might be. I’m thinking maybe I’ll get Peggy to send me up an egg and some cocoa powder so I can make her a chocolate cocktail.’
‘Oh, I say, that does sound properly decadent,’ said Patience. ‘What’s the booze?’
‘Yellow chartreuse.’
‘I can hardly wait.’
‘Bit too rich for my blood,’ said Bridgewater. ‘How about a scotch and soda? But don’t stint on the scotch.’
‘Sure thing. Dotty?’
‘I’ll have one of those chocolate thingies, if I may – that sounds heavenly.’
The bell was rung; Crawford arrived and was sent away with an order for eggs and cocoa. To my enduring befuddlement, a party atmosphere began to emerge.
Clarice, who by now had learned her way around the fort and was travelling unaccompanied, came in next and ordered an absinthe.
Last to arrive were Wilson and Lily, looking suspiciously flushed and giggly, who both asked for champagne.
So jolly was the mood that I began to wonder if I was the one who was out of step. Despite my years of exposure to the lives of the upper classes, it seemed that I hadn’t been exaggerating when I spoke to Lady Hardcastle earlier – I really didn’t understand them at all.
By that point in our lives, theft and murder were all in a day’s work for me, but I liked to imagine I took things a little more seriously.
Obviously I made jokes, but that didn’t mean I took matters lightly.
Maybe they really didn’t care. The world was a better place without Edgar Everett in it, after all.
And Patience’s life would be improved by the absence of her husband and the addition of the wealth she’d inherit as his widow.
The Bridgewaters’ futures would be secured without the threat of exposure from Sidwell-Plant, too.
As for Lily and Wilson . . . well, they didn’t really know any of these people, so what did they care?
Maybe I should just join them and get roaring drunk.
Two – in a couple of cases, three – drinks later, we moved upstairs to the dining room and readied ourselves for the sumptuous feast whose preparation had filled the fort with delicious aromas all afternoon.
JB had been saving some of the finest wines from his cellar for the final night, and we were encouraged to eat, drink and be merry.
‘Do you know,’ said a decidedly tipsy Patience, ‘in spite of everything, I’ve had rather a jolly time this weekend.
Thank you, JB. I mean, obviously it would have involved a little less paperwork if Robert had simply divorced me, but at least I’m free of him now.
Please don’t any of you feel you have to attend the old buzzard’s funeral, but you shall all dance at my wedding.
If darling Dr Lamkin will have me. But why wouldn’t he? I’m an absolute catch.’ She snorted.
Clarice was similarly squiffy. ‘I’ve had a marvellous time, too, darling.
And I’m free of my own monster. I just wish I could have seen the look on his nasty face when the narwhal tusk ran him through.
I shan’t be dancing at your wedding, Patience dear, but I’ll happily play for you. A jaunty jig, perhaps.’
‘Oh, darling, yes. And my offer still stands: you must come and live at the house with me. We’ll have such larks.’
‘You know,’ said Bridgewater, ‘that reminds me of a story. There were these two women—’
A chorus of groans and a well-aimed bread roll from Patience stopped him in his tracks.
‘Yes, well, I’m glad everyone is . . . happy,’ said Dotty, ‘but I still haven’t got my blasted ruby necklace back.’
‘Oh, bugger the necklace,’ said Patience. ‘And bugger the brooch. They’re just pointless trinkets.’
‘Expensive trinkets, Patience darling. We’re not all rich widows, you know.’ Dotty glanced at Bridgewater. ‘Although if he tells just one more of his blasted stories, I might be a widow sooner than he thinks.’
I looked to the end of the table and was slightly relieved to see that Lily and Wilson were as bewildered by all this as I was. More than bewildered, I thought – they were actually uncomfortable.
‘What about our sleuthy friends?’ asked Patience. ‘Have you had a good time?’
I looked at Lady Hardcastle and shrugged. I had no idea how to respond.
‘Do you know,’ she said, ‘I have rather enjoyed myself. I do like a puzzle.’
‘Ah, yes, the puzzle. It’s a shame you didn’t manage to solve it before the police get here tomorrow. It would have been rather satisfying to know which of my friends I should thank for my good fortune. My money would be on Gran.’
‘Now, look here,’ said Bridgewater, ‘I can’t pretend my life isn’t easier with Robert gone, but . . . the man was my friend once. I couldn’t kill him. I thought it was you and Clarice working together.’
Clarice let out a joyous bark of a laugh. ‘If only. You’ve no idea how often I fantasized about doing him in. But it wasn’t me. I thought it was JB.’
‘Not me,’ said JB. ‘I didn’t kill anyone.’
‘No,’ said Lady Hardcastle. ‘No, you didn’t.
Of course not. Why would you steal your guests’ jewellery and bump two of them off?
Self-evidently it was our two young friends at the end of the table.
Lily stole the jewels and Wilson got rid of the two thorns in everyone’s sides. It’s all rather simple really.’
‘You must be joking,’ said Wilson. ‘Me? I wasn’t anywhere near the fort when they were murdered. I was out walking. You all saw me go out. You all saw me come back. You all know I couldn’t have done it.’
‘And I wasn’t even here when the jewellery went missing,’ said Lily.
‘All of that appeared for a long time to be entirely true,’ said Lady Hardcastle, ‘and I confess we were utterly flummoxed. Flummoxed, that is, until this afternoon, when Miss Armstrong and I began to explore some of the nooks and crannies of the fort – the places usually skipped by the official tour.’ She reached into the elegant evening bag she’d been carrying and placed two items on the table in front of her.
‘Dotty, I believe this is your ruby necklace. And Patience, your diamond brooch.’ She passed them across to their owners.
‘So how do we know you didn’t steal them?’ asked Lily. ‘You took them and you’re worried you’re going to get caught, so you’re giving them back.’
‘Actually, that is a satisfying explanation – but, unlike you, we have decent alibis for the thefts and the murders.’
‘So do we,’ said Wilson. ‘Neither of us was anywhere near the place.’
‘It certainly appeared that way, but whereas we were seen by more than one person at the time of the various crimes, you’re relying on the fact that you were seen leaving before they were committed and returning afterwards. No one saw either of you while the black deeds were being done.’
‘Because we weren’t there,’ insisted Wilson again.
‘And that’s what was so clever, what so very nearly fooled us. But you were there, and we have a witness to prove it. Or, at least, to prove you weren’t where you claimed to be.’
‘We have witnesses to say we were exactly where we said we were. Peggy saw me leave before Everett was murdered. Patience and Dotty walked with me. Then you saw me come back – you were with Dotty and Clarice in the kitchen. Peggy saw Lily and me go out before Sidwell-Plant was killed and come back afterwards. We weren’t anywhere near the fort. ’
‘And you all saw me arrive the day after the jewels went missing,’ said Lily. ‘You met me when I arrived on the island on Friday.’