Chapter 4
Chapter Four
MURGUL
Once the door closes behind us, I lower Gwendolyn until her feet find the floor, my tail instinctively curling around her waist to steady her before I let go. The motion is gentle—possessive, perhaps—but necessary. I cannot help it.
I take a moment to survey the space I insisted she move into after our first meeting. My lair. The only place my mind—and the bond—would allow her to stay. It is hardly the sanctuary she deserves, yet it is the only place where I can be certain she is safe.
We have known one another for such a short time, and yet she already means more to me than my own life.
The realization sits heavy in my chest. What surprises me most is that she has not once protested my arrogance in relocating her from Falon’s quarters to mine.
The question of why lingers, burning quietly in the back of my mind—but I dare not ask it aloud.
I fear the answer might shatter what little spirit I still possess.
Why are you this way?
There is nothing wrong with having feelings, Vrog. You should try it sometime.
No, thank you. From observing you, it looks awful.
Resuming the perusal of my living space, I realize my quarters are nothing special, and the only hint of personality are the items my mate has added over the last several risings.
So far, she has collected a fair amount of attire from the “swap and shop” get-together she and the other human females had.
Absently, I notice a pair of foot coverings left by the sleeping platform.
The same sleeping platform that now looks comforting and inviting, rather than cold and detached.
Her new personal viewing screen is lying on the low table in front of my divan, and I am reminded that I must thank Bikar for that.
It has proved to be a great help to my mate.
Amusement swells when I notice she has attempted to sneak in pieces of décor here and there.
Bits and bobs of aesthetically appealing trinkets, no doubt from the various crates of plunder in the cargo bay.
Considering the fact that I was not permitted to be raised in a familial environment, all of this is new to me.
Bikar has to be the one who is sneaking the females in and out of the cargo bay for what they call shopping trips.
Looking around the room, I try to see if she has acquired anything new when my eyes land on a colorful square lying atop the small table next to the sleeping platform.
Narrowing my eyes, I realize it is a book. Those are beyond rare, especially in this quadrant of space. I cannot believe we have one, let alone that my mate is being allowed to keep something worth so many credits.
Definitely Bikar… again.
He may be the least favorite of all your brothers. Annoying little shet.
The silence that descends between us is awkward and stilted, while her body language broadcasts that she is not comfortable being alone with me.
Gwendolyn starts pacing in front of the divan, her arms wrapped around her middle in an attempt to comfort herself.
It sends a pang through me because, as her mate, it is my duty, and privilege, to comfort her.
Yet… I cannot. It is not something she would welcome or permit.
Any slight bit of progress I made in the risings since our meeting, and then semi-kidnapping her, is now lost. The rising we arrived at Deapra coincided with Einar divulging his findings after analyzing his Atraxian DNA and how it pertains to the Rukuhk mating process.
It caused Gwendolyn to withdraw into herself; the tic she comprehended what he said.
The stilted, yet enjoyable conversations we had before Einar’s revelation have now dwindled to nothing, silence now reigning between us.
I have been waiting for the mating sickness to hit since it has been multiple rotations since my bond with Gwendolyn formed, yet I have felt no ill effects since our connection started.
Not that I am complaining—I do not wish to sicken and die.
Einar is a giant, bumbling idiot.
Rolling my eyes in exasperation, I snap back at Vrog.
He was trying to help. There was no way that he could have known what he found would cause Gwendolyn to withdraw from us.
I do not give a frack. His ‘helpful’ information ruined what little progress we had made with her. WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?!
I… I do not know.
Glancing down at my digitigrade lower legs and my frackin tail, I sigh somewhat despondently as I rake my fingers through long, white strands of hair.
My visible differences are far more blatant than any of my other brothers, and this is in addition to the less visible changes that set me apart from my family.
The Aynar were not attempting to hide what they were doing to my people by the time my mam was pregnant with me, and that is why I look like nothing short of a freak of nature.
I should not exist. Then there is YOU.
Yes, how are you going to explain me to our mate?
Huffing out a breath to prepare myself for the pain speaking will cause, I wet my lips with the tip of my forked tongue. “I will not… have you coerced into mating… with me, bright one. You still lightly… scent of… fear every time I… come close… and… especially… if I touch you.”
That is not going to work for me. The alternative is death for both of us.
Hissing in annoyance at Vrog, Gwen shrinks back from me as her scent spikes with fear.
“That is… exactly what… I… am… referencing.”
By the time I get the last word out, my throat is on fire and my voice has faded into nothing.
Snarling in frustration, I whirl away from her and stalk back towards the door.
Perhaps training in the simulator for a few hours will relax me enough to think of how to reveal our mental connection. Exhaust the body and quiet the mind.
Coward.
I do not see you shouting out any bright ideas right now, so do not start with this shet.
I am so distracted with Vrog and our internal argument, I miss that Gwendolyn has followed me back across the room—until a small hand on my arm stops me in my tracks when I reach the door.
“Murgul, wait.”
Halting immediately, I peer at her over my shoulder, cocking my head in question, and watch as she snatches her hand away and takes several steps away from me.
“Will you come back over to the table so we can talk?”
I would love to cum for you, precious one.
Puffing at her in amusement, I roll my eyes in exasperation, which, in turn, makes her snort out a laugh at my silent sarcasm.
“Oh, you know what I mean.”
Nodding at her, I give her plenty of space as we make our way over to the table tucked against the far wall of my quarters.
Extending my tail, I hook it around the leg of the chair, pulling it out for her so she does not have to struggle with it.
Our Ruk-sized furniture does not agree with our more delicate human mates.
The look of gratitude she shoots me makes warmth bubble up in my chest. I finally did something correct where she is concerned.
Yes, yes, we are all very impressed that you pulled out a frackin chair for her.
Rubbing at the tight knot forming in my chest, I take the seat across from her and gesture for her to begin. My eyes follow the small, delicate motion of her hand as she tucks a strand of sunshine-colored hair behind her ear—a nervous habit, perhaps, but one that feels intimate to witness.
“I’m not really sure where to start. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to speak without pain that having a regular conversation with another person is almost surreal.”
Her voice is mellifluous, and I find myself hanging on each and every word.
There is no jealousy that Einar was able to fix in her what he could not in me.
I will be forever grateful that her voice is restored.
Smiling faintly, I nod my head at her in encouragement.
I will gladly listen to whatever she wishes to tell me.
“Gosh, this is hard. I wish there were a way for us to talk, since I have so many questions I want to ask you, but I’m not stupid. I know it hurts you to use your voice, even though you have tried to hide your pain from me the last couple of days.”
I open my mouth to assure her that the pain is worth it when she hops up in her seat, extending her upper body across the table and slapping her hand across my mouth, effectively silencing me.
The shock is almost overwhelming because I have not had another being voluntarily touch me in many orbital rotations, and she has done it twice in the last several tics.
My brothers stopped trying when my instinctive reaction was to lash out with teeth, talons, and tail blade.
Her skin against mine feels sublime, and my eyes sink closed as that addictive sense of peace flows from her into the fractured pieces of my soul.
“You are not to hurt yourself for me. Am I scared of you? Yes. I would be stupid not to be, but that is only because I do not know you. Fear is essentially a lack of knowledge or an instinctual reaction to external or internal stimuli. In this instance, it is a lack of knowledge,” she pauses, taking a deep breath before shocking me to my core with her next words.
“However, I do want to apologize for withdrawing from you after Einar told us about the mating process. It’s a lot to take in that if we don’t have sex and seal the bond that you’ll die.
I’ve never been faced with this kind of situation before. ”
I know I must have an incredulous expression on my face because she shoots me a rueful smile before continuing.
“What we need to figure out is a way to effectively communicate so I can get to know you. I was given a second chance for a reason, and because you can barely speak, are covered in scars, and appear to have some symptoms reminiscent of humans with PTSD… I’m assuming you survived something horrifying,” her voice is soft with sympathy, but it is not grating or demeaning coming from her.
“Which means you were given a second chance as well. I won’t deny that what Einar told us freaked me out a little, and I apologize for shutting you out over the last several days.
I… just needed some time to wrap my head around the fact that if we don’t have sex, and soon, you’re going to get sick or try to die on me before I ever get to know you. ”
Opening my eyes, I look at her. The weight of my experience is heavy in my gaze, and to my utter surprise, she holds my stare unflinchingly. I know my countenance is no longer an appealing one. Not that it ever was, but especially not now. I am too scarred, too damaged, too flawed.
This is the opening we have been looking for! Do it! Do it NOW!
Shut the frack up!
Fine, if you won’t give our mate what she is asking for, then I will.
You will not! Get back in your cage!
Using nothing but sheer force of will, I shove Vrog back into confinement, ignoring his threats and curses until I have him securely contained.
“Hey, where did you go?”
Gwendolyn’s hesitant question snaps me back to reality. Ignoring her, since I have no desire to answer that particular inquiry at this time, I take a deep breath as I traipse down the gilded path that leads to her consciousness, allowing her to feel every part of the mind-merge process.
Wide green eyes stare at me in dawning comprehension as she feels something that does not belong to her slip into her head.
“Hello, bright one.”