Chapter 4
four
. . .
Jordana
Gavin’s eyes narrowed to slits. He took a step back, his footfall echoing through the quiet theater.
“You’re putting too much trust in me.”
“Because you’re different.”
“Then you know what I’ll do, if I’m the man you think I am. If I deserve your trust.”
“What will you do?”
His hands flexed at his sides, stretching toward me. He pulled them back.
“Nothing.”
“Gavin—”
“I won’t touch you. I won’t lay a hand on you; I won’t kiss you. You think I’m a gentleman?” He shook his head. “Then absolutely nothing is going to happen.”
I was too stunned to speak. Was this good or bad? I was rejected, hurting, yet…grateful. Because for the first time, I did trust a man.
“You’re not a gentleman.” I let out a hoarse laugh. “You’re an angel. Now I know for sure.”
“I’m no angel,” Gavin muttered, his shoulders hunching. For all his grace, I saw the way he pulled into himself.
“But you’re saying nothing will happen. So why aren’t you leaving? Go. Just walk away.”
Instead, he took one step toward me, then another, his boots deliberate on the metal grating. He stood close enough now that I could smell his scent of smoke and pine, like a cold fall night. Close enough that I could see the shudder rippling through his lean body.
“I should,” he said softly, “but I don’t want to.”
“If you won’t do anything, at least let me touch you. Let me make you feel good. You’re going through something too, I can tell.”
Surprise lifted his brows, like I’d switched on a light and caught him in a moment of exposure.
“Jordana.” His voice pinned me in place, spreading heat down my chest. “If we ever touched — which we’re not going to, but if we did — I would be doing the touching. I would make you feel good.”
“I don’t know what that’s like.” My voice wavered.
“You’ve never had pleasure?” He leaned toward me, like he couldn’t help himself, his dark hair falling over his forehead. His breath brushed my ear. “Have you ever come?”
My core squeezed. My breathing quickened. I was too surprised to answer.
“Have you?” he whispered, as if he knew I needed more prompting. “Have you ever had an orgasm?”
I pivoted so my back was to the railing, grasping it for balance. Gavin stood inches from me — he could grab me, touch me anywhere, strip my clothes away. I wouldn’t stop him. I longed for him to do it.
“Alone, yes,” I breathed. “Not with anyone else.”
“Mmm.”
“No one’s wanted to give to me like that.” The confession left me feeling naked. “Why would they?”
“You’re joking, right?”
I shook my head.
“I would show you why I want to.” His hands came up to grip the railing on either side of mine.
“Would you?” My face tilted toward his.
“You’re afraid,” he murmured. “Aren’t you? Of feeling good. Even of getting the kind of pain you like. So you’ve picked men who can’t give you what you need. I’m willing to bet no one’s used you the way you want, either.”
God, I was soaked. His words, his nearness, were making my panties slick.
“You said you won’t touch me,” I burst out. “But you’re talking about how to make me come?”
“You’re right. I shouldn’t be having this conversation with you.” Yet his hands still fenced me in on the railing.
“Gavin, please. I’m asking you to teach me.”
Regret shadowed his eyes. “I’m the last person who should do that.”
“Why do I feel like you’re the only person who should? The perfect person to make me feel like everything and nothing.”
His chest rose and fell beneath his black T-shirt. “You want to be worshiped, Jordana?”
“Kind of? It sounds crazy. But also…”
“Belittled,” he filled in. “You want to feel small.”
“Yes,” I whispered, embarrassed and excited. With a shiver, I squeezed my thighs together.
“Then you would need to learn to take pleasure first.” His voice was hypnotic, the stage lights silhouetting his sharp jaw from the side. “To be someone’s whole world. To let him please you before he degrades you the way you need. You understand that, don’t you?”
Dazed, I nodded.
“Could you lie back and receive? For hours?”
“Hours?”
“Hours.”
“I-I don’t know.” My thighs clenched in rhythm with his long fingers tapping the railing. My nipples tightened to aching points.
“It would be hard, at first,” he said reassuringly. “But the right man would help you.”
I squirmed under his stare. “What would he do?”
Gavin’s eyes were amber searchlights, sweeping over my body. His lips pressed into a line.
“He’d take your clothes off.” The words tumbled out as if he couldn’t hold them back any longer. “Stroke your beautiful body. Kiss you everywhere.”
A needy whimper left me.
“He’d look at you, Jordana. You’re so expressive, he’d want to see how you react to everything. He’d tease you and torment you beyond your wildest dreams.”
“And then…?” My lips were dying for him, yearning to be crushed by his mouth.
His face twisted, his tone roughening. “He’d go easy at first. Get you used to receiving, to feeling good. The more you took, the more he’d give. Until finally—“
“Until finally?”
He leaned in, arms caging me, his breath hot on my cheek.
“He’d make you come until you cry. Then he’d make you come some more.
God, you’d look gorgeous with tears running down your cheeks, taking more pleasure than you think is possible.
And when you're past the point of begging, or speaking, or thinking, he’d finally, finally fuck you. ”
“Gavin!” I gasped. I was rubbing my thighs together, clenching inside my jeans, longing for all the need to spill over…
A ringtone came from his pocket. Blinking, he stepped back.
To my relief, he didn’t answer his phone. Instead, he stared at me for so long, I thought he might kiss me.
“You’re a good girl,” he concluded.
I shook my head. “No. No, I’m not.”
“Jordana, you might not believe it, but you have a lot going for you and a bright future.” The lines in Gavin’s face seemed deeper. “I’m not good for you.”
“Why would you say that? Should I call you a good boy? Would that help?”
Gavin let out a brief laugh. “I won’t stop you.”
“Then you’re a good boy, Gavin. And I know you’re an angel.”
His eyes flashed, but he shook his head. He was pulling away, retreating into himself. I couldn’t stand for that to happen. The spark between us — it was more than sex.
A buzz came from his jeans pocket.
“Sorry,” he muttered. “I should—”
A second buzz, a third, a fourth.
“I’m really sorry. Let me just check—” Pulling out his phone, he scanned the screen. The light fled from his face, and his features sagged. “Fuck. FUCK!”
“Gavin?”
“Goddammit. I don’t believe this.” He swung his head around, his gaze flaring gold. “Jordana, please excuse me. I need to make a phone call.”
My pulse sped up in sympathy. “Of course.”
He nodded gratefully. “Take the flashlight. Do you need a ride home?”
It would be dark and chilly outside, but I squared my shoulders. “It’s fine. I could use the exercise. I won’t take up your time.”
He frowned. “It’s late to be walking home alone.”
My stomach fluttered, confused by his concern.
“If you’re willing to wait outside, I’ll drive you. This shouldn’t take long.” He held up his phone, trying for a jaunty grin, which totally failed.
I gave a quick nod. The flashlight’s beam skittered over the metal grating as I hustled to the ladder and climbed down. From above came the faint ring of a phone — he was making the call.
I opened the stage door, letting in a gust of swirling October wind.
“Nina?” said Gavin. “What’s going on?”
I had no intention of eavesdropping, but Gavin’s voice sounded…intimate. Taking a stealthy step backward, I eased the stage door into place.
“Right now?” Gavin demanded. “Nina, you promised. We made a commitment. Does that mean anything to you?”
Shit. I did not like this at all.
“I understand,” he bit out. “But you can do that with her any time. You and me? We only have this week.”
What was going on? The situation was clearly complicated. I couldn’t judge; he’d seen me with Corey. But—
“Nina, you have to come to Hawthorne tomorrow night. I can’t do this shoot without you.”
Relief rushed through me. Gavin was a photographer as well as a lighting designer. Nina was probably his colleague.
“No, I can’t find another model. You know the photos are due to my publisher next Monday.
I just moved here. I have no connections.
Rachel? Hell, no. You know how she feels about this project.
This is a small town, people aren’t… You think I can put an ad in the local coffeeshop for the kind of pictures we’re taking?
For this fucking book? It’s going to fail without you.
Fuck, Nina. Don’t hang me out to dry like this. ”
Gavin needed help. He needed a model, for some kind of book. That much was clear.
I walked out onto the stage, still bathed in colored light. As I watched him pace the catwalk, wheels turned in my head.
I could help Gavin. I could bring that smile back to his face. Offer to step in, be the angel for once. He deserved it, after everything he’d done for me tonight.
How hard could modeling be? I was an actress. Surely, I could act in front of a camera just as well as onstage. Modeling was really just acting without words, right?
I’d be a natural. I’d show him that. And I was right here.
“Nina?” Gavin sounded so defeated, I couldn’t bear it. “Please rethink this. I’m asking you as your friend.”
I’m a friend. I can help you.
When he spoke again, his words were clipped. “Hm. Enjoy your trip.”
He shoved his phone into his pocket and raked a hand through his messy hair. Turning, he stared down at me on the stage.
The jewel-toned lights turned off. Gavin’s boots squeaked on the grating — slow, heavy, dejected-sounding. I met him at the ladder, holding the flashlight.
“Shit,” he muttered, his feet hitting the ground with a thump. “I’m sorry, Jordana. That was — Never mind.”
“No, I’m sorry I overheard, but…do you want to talk? You definitely look like you could use a drink.”
“A drink?”
“It might not fix things, but it’s a start.”
He rubbed his stubbled jaw. “Is anything open besides the Mug and Trencher? I don’t want to run into Rachel or anyone from the theater department.”
“There’s Uncle Charlie’s. Only other place that’s open right now. It’s a twenty-four-hour diner.”
His smile was lopsided, but at least it was a smile. “Guess we’re not in New York anymore.”
“They make fresh coffee all night. It keeps everyone running. And the food is good.”
“All right,” he said finally. “Let’s go.”