Chapter Nine #3
My mouth instantly went dry. I had been recognized. For the first time, someone I didn’t know recognized me in public, and I battled panic and delight in equal measure. Alex squeezed my shoulder, and once again, my thoughts cleared enough for me to respond.
“I-I’m so glad you do because I’ve loved writing and filming the series.” I allowed myself a small chuckle and hoped it didn’t make me sound deranged. “I’m almost disgusted by the amount of subject matter I have.”
A frown darkened the young woman’s mien. “I am, too. I’m also disgusted that I didn’t know about so many of the women you’ve highlighted. They were amazing, and history just erased them.”
“Do you have a favorite video?” Alex asked, and I flashed him a quick smile of thanks.
We talked for several minutes about the various historical figures I’d featured, and the first young woman, who I learned was named Courtney, shared some names she had discovered after my videos had sparked her interest. I dutifully added them to my Notes app, promising her I would credit her should I film videos on them.
Before she left, Courtney asked if she could take a picture with me, and I agreed, smiling broadly as she snapped a selfie of us.
It took several minutes to calm my nerves after Courtney and her friends departed.
While it had been exciting to be recognized by a fan of my content, it also reiterated how precarious my anonymity was.
Surely, if my audience kept growing, my videos were bound to come across Caitlin’s feed at some point.
And when they did, she would be hurt I hadn’t told her about the Matildas beforehand.
For better or worse, I was on borrowed time.
“Was that your first time?”
I nodded, trying to avert my face so Alex wouldn’t see how red it was. I could feel the heat spreading under my skin.
“It won’t be your last.”
“You may be right.” My exhale fluttered my lips. “I need to tell her.”
Alex lifted a shoulder. “You don’t need to do anything, but I think you’ll feel better if you do.”
He wasn’t wrong.
“Do you know, I’ve watched you praise and celebrate Caitlin, but you haven’t let her do the same for you.” He arched a brow. “Why is that?”
God, how could I explain the thirteen years’ worth of history and dynamics between my best friend and me?
A person I adored but with whom I’ve always felt a bit…
less than. I’d only come to terms with my feelings regarding our friendship within the last couple of years, and I was terrified that by telling Caitlin about my social media content, I would erase all the personal work I’d done to repair my confidence.
And when it came down to it, Alex was my friend but he was Caitlin’s boyfriend first, and his loyalties would always end with her. As they should.
So instead, I said, “Because Caitlin is busy. She’s off to a new city every week.
Shoot, sometimes twice a week. She doesn’t have time for my silly little channel.
” I gestured with my chin to where my friend was still chatting and taking pictures with students.
“And you heard her up there. Even in her success she’s uplifting others.
And there are others who need her help more than me. ”
“You’re helping people, too,” Alex argued.
I scoffed. “Not like her, though.” Which I knew wouldn’t make sense to Alex.
Sure enough, Alex rolled his lips together and I could see frustration in his inky gaze.
“It’s just…” I ran my tongue over the front of my teeth as I considered my response.
“I want to do this on my own. I don’t want to be successful at this because Caitlin leveraged her followers to help me.
Or because people learned I’m Caitlin Wolf’s friend.
I want to be successful because my content is deserving of it.
Because I worked hard to make it happen. ”
With alarm, I realized I was a bit breathless. Apparently I was more passionate about this than I thought.
“That makes sense,” Alex said slowly. “But it also sounds like something like this may have happened before.”
I looked away, not wanting to confirm or deny his statement.
“Caitlin strikes me as the kind of person whom the sun perpetually shines upon.”
“Busting out the whoms, are you?” I said with a snort.
“Trying to redirect the conversation, are you?” Alex pointed out, poking me in the arm.
“Too bad it didn’t work,” I grumbled, ignoring how his answering laugh made my stomach swoop. “Caitlin’s worked hard, and she’s also been very lucky. She’d tell you the same thing.”
“I mean, she did earlier, during her speech.”
I dipped my head in acknowledgment. “But again, you and I both know that luck strikes us differently. Not as frequently. Luck for us is much more fickle.”
Alex crossed his arms over his chest. “Luck is a fickle bitch, that’s for sure.”
“That’s why I’m working hard now, so that if luck does come my way, I’m ready. Whether people know I’m Caitlin Wolf’s friend or not.” My gaze snared his. “Does that make sense?”
He slowly nodded, his eyes glued to my face. “Perfectly.”