Chapter Sixteen
Thanksgiving was a quiet affair with my parents at my home in Tempe, but our Christmas celebration in Tucson promised to be epic.
“So we have Javi and Livi, your Tío Alejandro and Tití Sara, your cousin Roman and his girlfriend, Paula—”
“Paola,” I said, interrupting my mother’s recitation of the guest list.
“Paola?” She looked up from her list and blinked owlishly at her phone as we FaceTimed. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.” I set down my bagel and licked cream cheese from the side of my hand. “Roman shared pictures online of the concert they attended together last week, and he tagged her. It’s definitely Paola.”
“Ay, well, I’m glad you said something before I greeted her as Paula.” Mamí smacked her forehead. “Anyway, where was I? Right, Roman and Paola, and then the twins. Have you heard from your friends?”
I blew out a long breath. “Denise told me to give you besos, but she’s going to stay home and celebrate with her sister’s family.”
“And Caitlin?” Mamí asked.
“Caitlin won’t be able to get here until New Year’s,” I said. “She sent her regrets.”
“I didn’t expect her to be able to join us anyway.
When she came for dinner over homecoming, she mentioned how busy her schedule was through the holidays.
” My mother shook her head. “I don’t know how she can go that long without seeing that man of hers.
He’s so handsome I’d be worried some other woman would come along and snatch him up, like that ‘Jolene’ song by Dolly Parton. ”
“Alex doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who would be unfaithful,” I murmured, picking up my bagel. “He’s too loyal.”
Except he wanted to kiss you…
Bile touched the back of my throat, and I set down my bagel again. I grabbed my empty cup and held it up for my mother to see through the phone, my unspoken intention to get more coffee. Really it was an excuse to walk away and bury my face in my hands without my mother seeing.
After a minute, I returned to my seat, smiling benignly at my mother on my screen. Holding up my mug, I said, “Needed a refill.”
Mamí nodded. “You mentioned that Alex and his sister might come. Have you talked to them about it?”
“Camila’s still not sure if she can make it, although she really wants to.
” We had been exchanging regular text messages since her visit to Phoenix, and I was keeping my fingers crossed she’d be able to join us.
Camila was so earnest about learning Nochebuena traditions, and I hoped to be able to show her ours.
“She said she would let me know for sure next week.”
“And Alex?”
I swallowed. “He said he’s coming, whether Camila joins us or not.”
“I’m happy to hear it.” Mamí cocked her head. “I’m surprised he doesn’t want to spend Christmas with Caitlin, though. Or his family.”
“Aside from his sisters, he’s not close with his family. They’re not like us. As for Caitlin…” I lifted a shoulder, aiming for casual. “I don’t know.”
“Have you talked to her recently?”
“Through texts.” I quirked my lips. “You know how busy she is, and I feel awkward talking to her about Alex because then I’ll have to admit I knew Alex before she did but didn’t tell her. It’s all so stupid.”
It had come out that Alex knew of my TikTok alter ego when my father had asked if he could tell Javi about the Matildas. He’d been miffed when he learned Alex knew but not my brother, and I’d had to explain how Alex and I had initially met online before he began dating Caitlin.
If my mother’s eyes went any wider, I was certain they’d pop right out of her head.
“Yeah, it’s stupid. I don’t understand why you’re so secretive about your video series.
It’s smart and informative, and you always look so beautiful when you talk about these important women who history has overlooked. ”
“You sound like Alex,” I murmured before I could censor myself.
Mami’s gaze narrowed minutely. “He seems to think highly of you. As he should, por supuesto.”
Red lights flashing while a foghorn blew a rapid staccato would not have warned me I was on dangerous ground quite like the nonchalant tone of my mother’s voice. I licked my lips before saying, “He’s a nice guy. He and Caitlin are a good match.”
Although as I became closer to Alex, I wasn’t so sure about that.
Caitlin lived a fast-paced, public-facing life, and I always imagined her with a partner who would be content to let her shine.
Happy to follow her around the world as she conquered high fashion, and support her unabashedly.
Yet Alex struck me as a homebody. He seemed to crave deeper connections, not just with his sisters and friends, but also with his culture.
Would he be able to make those sorts of bonds, grow those kinds of roots, following Caitlin around the world?
Was it any of my business either way?
“Hmm. Everyone’s relationship is different, I suppose.” Mamí glanced back at her notes for a long moment. “With Camila and Alex, we’ll have thirteen people. A nice-size group without being too large.”
“It’s going to be great.” And it was. But I couldn’t help but worry about spending such a special holiday with Alex.
If Camila was there as well, it would be more of a group activity, and she could be an unwitting barrier between her brother and me.
But if it was just Alex and me, sitting side by side at the kitchen table making pasteles or strategizing in a game of pinochle, there would be no escape from him and his hypnotic brown eyes.
—
I packed up my car with presents for the family, shopping bags full of groceries, and a suitcase laden with clothes.
My plan was to return home on the twenty-sixth, but I had packed enough clothes for a weeklong stay.
There was no good excuse for me to bring so many different outfits, but I wanted to look my best for the Nochebuena festivities.
The drive to Tucson was a lot quieter than the last trip I took there for homecoming.
Originally, Alex and Camila had intended to drive with me, but when Camila was unable to make it to Arizona for Christmas, Alex opted to meet me in Tucson instead.
My feelings had been a bit chafed that he’d not wanted to spend that time with me in the car again, yet I was also relieved.
The conversations we shared during our last Tucson visit had revealed so many of my insecurities, and I didn’t think it was a good idea to make myself vulnerable in front of Alex again.
As it was, just being near him made my heart feel as if it may thunder right out of my chest.
So on my long solo drive, I listened to old Shakira albums and had difficult talks with myself.
No one was there to listen to me replay the lunch date I had with Sharon Collins.
It had gone remarkably well, and Sharon had appeared genuinely delighted to reconnect over Mediterranean chicken and Greek salads.
She told me how appalled she had been when the new strategist—some guy I knew by name but had never met—had reached out to her and disclosed I was no longer with Desert Media 360.
Not one to take his flimsy explanation at face value, Sharon managed to bully the information out of him that I had been laid off, and then she promptly asked to speak with the CEO.
Their subsequent discussion convinced Sharon to terminate their contract then and there.
It had been immensely satisfying to hear, as was her outrage when I told her how I had been treated before my termination.
It had been cathartic to discuss the industry with someone who understood the particular microaggressions women, especially women of color, encounter in corporate workplaces. And it had been particularly thrilling when Sharon asked if I would like to work with her and Cactus Hills.
I still had not given her an answer.
Suppressing a groan, I cranked the volume on the stereo higher.
Maybe Shakira’s notable vibrato could drown out the anxiety swelling in my blood.
Hadn’t I been waiting for just such an opportunity to come along?
Yet I couldn’t muster the excitement to accept Sharon’s very gracious offer, and I didn’t know why.
How long could I support myself with the Matildas series?
Did I still want to be creating short-form content in another five years?
Even another year? And if I did continue on the content-creation path, how long could I do it without telling those closest to me?
“Holy fuck,” I breathed, blinking rapidly to keep the tears at bay.
What was I doing with my life? I had just turned thirty-two years old, so shouldn’t I have my life together by now?
But for the last seven months, I had been tossed about by the waves of life, ignoring every life preserver thrown at me.
How had I become a person who kept secrets from my best friends?
Why was I afraid to share this part of my life with them?
Because these secrets had kept me from asking for help.
From being able to discuss the true emotional toll of this stage of my life.
And it could be so much worse. If Caitlin hadn’t spilled the beans, my parents would have no idea I was no longer working my corporate job.
Their acceptance was the only thing that kept me from being crushed by the weight of my shame.
Yet I was starting to suspect that it was that ever-present shame that made it so hard for me to maintain healthy boundaries with Alex…