9. Sydney
T he smell of mint permeates my sleep, warmth engulfing my body. So cozy, like waking up on Christmas morning. Waves of consciousness slowly flood back into me. I blink my eyes rapidly, trying to clear the brain fog, not quite remembering what happened last night. I know I drank way too much. Kiernan and his damn whiskey. Never let a shifter pour your drinks.
Pale morning light streams through the window. Birds chirp happily outside, the sound carrying in through the open glass.
Okay, it’s still early. At least my hangover didn’t make me sleep all day.
Blinking again, the haze starts to clear from my brain.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
The steady sound vibrates through my body. A hard chest is beneath me, steadily rising and falling.
Reese.
Why do I fit so perfectly against his big, hard body? I never want to leave.
With a smile, I bury my nose in his shirt and inhale greedily. Mmm . Pine and mint fill my nose. He smells so fucking good. Like sledding in the fresh winter snow.
I slowly lift my head, not wanting to wake the sleeping bear. My eyes roam over his face, taking in details I hadn’t noticed before. In sleep, he looks softer, younger. The furrow between his brow is relaxed, revealing smooth skin. Slight wrinkles line the corners of his eyes. Long, thick curls of black lashes rest against his cheeks. A light dusting of freckles across his nose makes him appear almost boyish. Combined with a lock of black hair that’s flopped over his forehead, you’d never know he was so angry and closed off all the time.
My fingers itch with the need to brush the hair back off his devastatingly handsome face, but I resist. He’s not yours to touch, Syd , I mentally scold myself.
I’ve always had a problem of touching things that aren’t mine. When Wren and I were little, I was constantly stealing her books. She would get so mad when she’d find them later with the spines broken and page corners folded over.
Reese’s full lips part on a soft moan, bringing me out of my nostalgic thoughts. The arm around my waist tightens, his large hand landing on my ass cheek.
The tips of his fingers brush the exposed skin at the hem of my denim shorts. I watch his face for a reaction as his hand squeezes my fleshy backside. Biting the inside of my cheek, I stifle the whimper that wants to break free. One corner of his mouth twitches, not quite a smile, as a deep rumble leaves his chest.
Using his grip, Reese pulls me closer, my legs straddling his thick muscular thigh. The heat of his body seeps through the denim of his jeans, burning up the bare flesh of my thighs and making my pussy clench. It takes everything in me not to rock my hips against his hard leg.
“Morning.” My voice is a soft rasp in the quiet room.
Poof! Suddenly, the clock strikes midnight and the spell breaks. Reese’s eyes shoot open wide. As if he’s been burned, he jerks his hand from my butt, taking his warmth with it. Clearing his throat, a slight flush colors the apples of his cheeks.
“Sorry.” His deep voice is graveled from sleep, shooting straight to my core. I bite my tongue to hold back a whimper.
He sits up on the couch, the motion jostling my body, and I end up straddling his hips. My chest flush with his. My hands lightly resting on his shoulders. Our faces mere inches apart.
In the morning light, his eyes appear lighter. A deep, warm shade of brown, like my favorite coffee or rich dark chocolate. “Are you, though? Because I’m not.”
His lids droop to half-mast as his dark gaze falls to my parted lips. I lean in closer, holding back a moan as his breath hitches, feathering over my lips. This is it. He’s going to kiss me again. I internally fist bump myself.
Large hands settle on my hips, his thumbs gently tracing across the exposed skin between my shorts and cropped band tee. The back-and-forth motion is mesmerizing. Like his touch has me hypnotized. He could ask me to do anything right now and I’d happily agree .
Flicking my eyes back up to his, his eyes are still locked on my lips. He heaves a breath through his nose, nostrils flaring wide as every muscle in his body tightens.
“We can’t do this.” The roughness in his voice has my thighs tightening around his hips.
“Do what?” I whimper, my own voice laced with need.
Taking a chance, I run my nose along the side of his, sinking my fingers into the fine hairs at the nape of his neck. The black strands are softer than I expected, tickling against the skin of my palms.
“I can’t hurt you. I’m sorry,” Reese rushes out, depositing me gently on the couch before standing. His heavy sigh fills the otherwise silent living room. “I’m sorry,” he repeats, quieter this time. He darts to the stairs, hands tucked in his pockets, muttering under his breath, taking the steps two at a time until he’s out of sight. A door slams in the distance moments later.
My mouth gapes open like a fish out of water. Did that just happen?
He was so open with me last night. So vulnerable. I thought he was finally dropping his impenetrable wall.
I know it wasn’t easy for him to share his past with me. And a lot of his behavior makes so much more sense now. He carries so much guilt over nearly killing his friend that he’s been distancing himself from everyone since.
He might be the pack alpha, but he still keeps his pack brothers at arm’s length. He’s so blinded by what happened in his past, he can’t even see all the good he’s done for these men in Cypress Valley .
What did he mean “I can’t hurt you”? Does he think his bear will lash out like it did with Joel?
There’s clearly chemistry between us. So much so, I doubt his bear would ever hurt me. And waking up in the safety of his big, burly arms was like heaven on earth. Something I want to happen on a regular basis.
Somehow, I have to make Reese forgive himself for his past, so he can move on with his life.
S lamming my bedroom door shut, I brace my hands on my hips and pace across the carpet. Probably wearing a hole in the soft cream flooring.
“Fuck,” I hiss. I almost lost control. I almost kissed her again.
She felt so perfect in my lap, like it’s where she’s meant to be. Because she is, you idiot. Scrubbing my hand down my face, I head into the bathroom.
In the mirror, I’m met by black eyes burning with lust. The surge of my primal side has my skin heating, foreign color peeking through my black beard. My hair is wild from sleeping on the couch, strands curling over my forehead. My fingers fluff the back, where it’s smashed flat against my scalp. The freckles on my nose are more visible after some time in the summer sun. I turn my head from side to side, scrutinizing the man in the mirror… it’s me, but somehow not. I look younger, like the Reese from my past, before things went to hell in a handbasket.
Wetting my hands in the sink, I run my damp fingers through my thick hair, trying to comb the runaway strands back into place.
Sydney got under my skin last night. If I’m not careful, she’ll wiggle her way right into my blood-stained heart. I told her things I haven’t told anyone here, not even Kiernan.
I don’t know if it’s the mate bond or simply her , but she makes me feel safe. Like I can be vulnerable and let down the tough exterior I keep in place around everyone else. She makes me want to try to let go of my past. But how do I forgive myself? The guilt has festered and spread to every fiber of my being. I don’t know how to move on.
My bear barks out a low sound, shaking my whole body. Clutching the edge of the marble countertop, I try to push his consciousness down.
“Hold on,” I groan. He hasn’t fought me to shift in years. Sydney’s presence is fucking everything up.
Pent up energy ripples under my skin, threatening to break through. He wants her just as much as I do. But I can’t have her. I’ll just taint her like everything else in my life.
Bolting from the bathroom, I strip off my clothes as I unlock the sliding glass door. My bedroom has an elevated deck that connects to the main deck area at the back of the house.
Jogging down the steps, I jump over the railing, nothing but air on the other side. Feet barely planted in the dirt, my grizzly overtakes me. With a pained groan, I fall to all fours and give in to my beast. Tufts of dark-brown fur sprout along my spine. My hands and feet morph into massive paws, tipped with razor-sharp black claws.
A strangled moan leaves my mouth as it morphs into a grizzly snout. Tipping my head down, I roar as the shift completes and a full-grown grizzly bear stands in my place.
Shaking my fuzzy coat, I work to release some of the tension vibrating in my veins. There’s a lake not far from here that sounds like the perfect place to work out my frustration over wanting little Sydney Fields.
Bounding through the trees, I reach the lake in a few minutes.
Paws pounding with each step, I barrel into the water, letting the cold soak through my fur and shock my system.
Would it be so bad if I let her in?
Could I truly have a life with someone so young and carefree? So innocent? A vivid image of a blond-haired, blue-eyed baby in Sydney’s arms flits through my mind. I didn’t have much for family growing up, only my grandma.
A foreign flutter in my chest startles me. Do I want a family… with Sydney?
I float on my back, my eyes linger on the morning sun as it rises above the trees. Huffing a breath through my snout, I dive to the bottom of the lake. Trying to find clarity, I stay under until my lungs burn like they’re on fire, screaming for oxygen.
Bursting through the surface, my growl fills the air, birds scattering at the vicious sound. I can’t keep her. She might be what fate wants for me, but I’d only be holding her back.