Chapter 5
Evie
My feet have grown three sizes since Zander’s confession one millisecond ago. They’re so weighty that I can’t move. I feel like it’s been a leg day, arm day, and back day with how heavy my limbs feel.
BOING! That damn clown startles me out of my shocked state.
“Say something, Evie,” Zander’s voice is suddenly soft, pleading. A complete one-eighty from a second ago.
Zander. My best friend. My safe place. The man who believed me amidst all the ugly rumors in high school.
Everyone thought I was a slut and had gotten myself pregnant.
The gossip was ruthless. People thought I started sleeping around after my mom passed away.
No one listened to me when I told them the truth, so I stopped trying.
I took a couple weeks off of school to build myself back up.
But of course the rumors only got worse.
They said I must have had a miscarriage.
An abortion. Anything they could say to make me look bad.
I never found out who started the rumors, but it didn’t matter because everyone was guilty of spreading them.
Zander was the only one who stood by me. Defended me, even.
He’s been my safe place since forever.
And now this.
I can’t believe he’s just standing there, hands no longer gripping me that way they should. They’re limp at his sides, and he’s looking at me like a lost puppy. I’ve always been the lost one. He can’t be lost. We can’t both be lost.
When I first met Zander I thought he was the hottest guy I’d ever seen. Brown hair and blue eyes with an easy smile. Everyone loved him. He could do no wrong in the eyes of the town.
But the first time I fantasized about us being more than friends, I uprooted that thought from my head immediately. I couldn’t mistake his kindness for more than it was. I needed him as a friend.
I thought I had uprooted those thoughts. But tonight has put a seed of doubt in my head. Maybe I’ve only been chopping off the heads of the weeds. Maybe the roots are running a lot deeper than I thought.
His shirt stretches across his chest as he takes a deep inhale.
He’s still waiting for me to say something, so I say the only truth I can right now. “You’re my safe place, Zander.”
His eyes drop. And for a second I think he’s going to leave. But then he takes a step toward me. “I’ll always be your safe place, Evie.” He takes my hand in his calloused hands.
I breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe we can just forget about this confession. I can keep cutting the heads off the weeds, and we can go back to the way things were.
Just when I think he’s going to tug me to the door and return us to the party, he looks up at me and pushes a strand of hair behind my ear.
“But even safety can come with a thrill. If you want it.”
He’s inching closer toward me until the toes of his boots are nearly touching mine. I’m not saying yes, but I’m not saying no either.
“Have you ever thought of me this way?” His hand reaches up and his thumb rests on my bottom lip, gently prying open my mouth. I know exactly which way he’s talking about because it’s the exact way I have to suppress.
We’re always honest with each other. I can’t tell him no.
I just watch him swallow in slow motion, and I can see that he’s biting the inside of his cheek.
Between these two of us, he’s not the one to be so uncertain.
He’s confidence manifested. He’s the one that knew when to stop studying for a test because he could tell that he’d learned enough.
And then he’d ace every exam. He’s the one that stood up for me in the middle of the cafeteria and told people to back off when someone accidentally bumped into me, knocking my tray out of my hands.
He didn’t even give any credence to that possibly being an accident because he knew. He always knows.
And now he’s standing here, in front of me, not knowing something.
But I know.
“I’ve thought of it,” I say in intimate tones. My chest heaves with the admission. His hand finds my waist again, this time there’s no tension in the grip. It’s like he’s just waiting. He’s telling me that he’s here. That he wants this. And that he’ll wait for me.
“Maybe you’re scared right now about what could happen between us.”
Staring at his lips, I nod.
“I’m scared too.” His fingers dig into my waist, applying the tiniest amount of pressure.
“But I’ve been living a little too safely.
I know you as much as a friend possibly can.
And it’s not enough. I want more.” He releases a tight breath.
“I can give you time. Do you think you might ever feel something for me?”
With his hand on my waist and his eyes peering into my soul, I’m already there.
I don’t know how to tell him. It seems too sudden.
What? One second I think I’ll make a move on Logan but the next I’m halfway in love with my best friend?
But then I realize the truth. I’ve always been halfway in love with Zander.
He’s my safe place. My trust. My protection.
We know everything about each other, including when he found his first gray hair and that he hasn’t found one since.
I never made a move on him because I never wanted to rock the friendship.
Whenever errant waves of hope would crest in my heart, I’d just let them pass. And then usually he had a girlfriend, and I was never going to be the sidepiece.
But I can’t put all of that into words, so I just lead with, “Yes.”
The hope that soars in his face lifts my heart. There’s a whirlpool of tenderness and desire in his eyes. And I don’t think anymore.
Longing raises me up on my toes and slowly, with the greatest caution, I press my lips to his.