Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
Birdie
“What are you waiting for?” my sister asks from the other end of the phone. “Just text him already.”
I can practically hear Winnie rolling her eyes at my stubbornness.
It’s been exactly one week since I met Callum at Captain Ray’s.
It feels nearly impossible to function without him infiltrating my every thought.
I’ve been tossing and turning every night until I fall asleep thinking about him, only for him to follow me into my dreams. And when the morning sun shines through my windows, I immediately wake to vibrant images of Callum Pierce flooding my brain.
He’s inescapable.
Yesterday morning, I finally swallowed my pride and slid my hand between my legs, hoping that an orgasm would help to get him out of my head for at least a day. But, of course, that only made me crave him more.
Even when I’m at work, I’m constantly drifting off into my own little world where only Callum and I exist.
It’s starting to become a real problem at this point.
“Winnie,” I sigh, laying across my couch with my phone propped up on my chest. “It’s not that simple.”
“What do you mean it’s not that simple?” her theatrical voice booms through the speaker. “After what he revealed to you last week, that man deserves a freaking break. You know I’m the last person to make excuses for people, but he went through some really awful shit. I’m not saying it’s okay that he ghosted you for eleven years because it’s not. But in my mind, he had a damn good excuse. His father is a fucking maniac, so he distanced himself to keep you away from that psycho.”
Don’t get me wrong, I feel terrible for Callum. It kills me to think about what he went through.
But that doesn't change or diminish the heartbreak that I experienced. Even the worst wounds can heal, but it takes time.
“I know why he did it, Winnie. But it still doesn't take the hurt away.”
“Didn’t you tell me you would have done the same thing if the roles were reversed?” she asks.
I rub a hand against my cheek, a little frustrated with the complexity of this situation. It’s the furthest thing from black and white.
“Yeah,” I breathe. “I would have done anything to keep Callum safe.”
A moment of silence passes before she responds.
“You want to know what I think, B? My honest opinion.”
“Hit me,” I exhale.
“Deep down, we both know you’re only dragging out the inevitable. You’re going to see him again. There’s no question in my mind about it. It’s just a matter of time, and you're only making yourself miserable at this point.”
“Ughhh,” I protest.
I hate that she’s right.
“It’s true,” she doubles down. “Just text him, Birdie.”
The night I left Captain Ray’s, I called Winnie and broke down the second I got home. I sobbed into the phone, clutching my chest as I told her about the house of horrors Callum lived in.
She cried too, just as heartbroken and shocked as me.
Ever since we were little kids, I’ve told my sister everything. When I promise someone I won’t tell their secrets, I really mean I won’t tell anyone but Winnie.
I trust Winnie with my life.
In many ways, Callum was like a big brother to Winnie. She loved him so much. He was always hanging out at our house, and no matter how busy he was, Callum would go out of his way to make Winnie feel included.
There was a period of time when the coffee shop was short-staffed and our parents had to work around the clock. Winnie had just gotten a bicycle for her birthday, but it was dark outside when Dad would get home from work. So Callum spent every afternoon with Winnie for an entire week, teaching her how to ride a bike without training wheels.
I think that was when he won her over for good.
Callum could be playful and joke with her like a friend, but she also knew he’d have her back like an older brother. Even if she won’t admit it, I know she has a major soft spot in her heart for Callum. And I can’t fault her for that.
He was such an integral part of our childhood. She still loves him, just in a different way than me.
“I’m just scared…” I finally mutter.
“Scared of what, B?” Genuine curiosity laces her tone.
“I don’t know…” I stammer. “Mostly scared of getting hurt again. What if things aren’t the same between us anymore?”
What if that same spark isn’t there?
“Of course things won’t be the same,” she replies. “It’s been a literal decade since Callum was in your life. Things have changed. You’re different people now.”
My chest aches every time I think about the reality of that statement. How much time we’ve missed out on.
“But what sounds worse to you,” she continues, “letting go of Callum for good, or seeing where things could go? At the very least, you might end up being friends again.”
Losing Callum for good is, without a doubt, the most terrifying of the two.
“I don’t think we can ever just be friends, Winnie.”
I know she agrees by the pause on the other end of the line.
“That’s fair,” she finally murmurs. “But you have no idea what you could be if you don’t try. Whether you want to admit it or not, I’ve watched you pine after him since we were kids. Even in the years that he’s been gone, you’ve never been able to let him go because you never got closure. You’ve dated a handful of good men and ended every single relationship because they weren’t ‘the one.’ But how can they be when there’s no space in your heart for anyone else? Maybe giving this a try will help you move on, whether you end up with him or not. If it doesn’t work out, you can truly let Callum go. But at least you won’t have to walk around not knowing anymore.”
I blink slowly as I stare at the ceiling and inhale a deep breath. There’s no point in arguing with Winnie because everything she just said is one hundred percent true.
I’ll never be able to move on until I finally close the chapter that belongs to Callum Pierce.
And maybe, if the odds are stacked in our favor, Callum and I could begin writing a new chapter together .
“You’re right,” I mutter.
I hear her click her tongue.
“I know I am,” she boasts. “I always am.”
Such a smug little shit.
“So…does that mean you’re going to text him?” she pushes.
“I’ll think about it,” I taunt in a playful tone.
We both know that I’m going to text him sooner rather than later…
“You’ll think about it?” She lets out an annoyed exhale. “You’re lucky that you’re my sister because you drive me fucking crazy.”
“Whatever, you love me. I’m your favorite person.”
“I’m hanging up on you now,” she hums.
“How rude!” I say in an exacerbated tone.
“I have to get to class; you know this.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I chuckle. “Love you, Win.”
“Love you too, B,” she replies. “I’ll call you tonight.”
After we say goodbye, I just lay there with my hands folded across my chest, still as a statue. In a trance, I watch the fan spin around and around as I replay my conversation with Winnie.
I’ve been hung up on Callum Pierce for as long as I can remember.
I’ve tried to move on, but no one will ever compare to him. Even though Callum hurt me in the worst way, I’ve always put him on a pedestal that no other man could reach.
I can choose to give things a shot between me and Callum or be miserable for the rest of my life. Winnie’s right; if things don’t work out between us, I might finally be able to move on.
A voice in the back of my mind tells me that even if he tore my heart to pieces for a second time, I still wouldn't be able to get over him.
Truthfully, I don’t think there’s a universe where Callum and I don’t exist in it together. It would be nearly impossible to rid my mind of him entirely.
Even on my darkest days, when I felt like I couldn’t breathe because he broke me so badly, I still couldn't let him go.
And deep down, that’s how I know that it will always be him.
But one thing is for sure: I’ll never know if I don’t try.