Chapter Fifty
“So, what do you want to do?” Rani asks, peering at me as if I am some completely new and unknown species, which in a way
I suppose I am. We lean to either side of the thick trunk of the tree, hands linked as we talk.
“Nothing,” I tell her, with a shrug.
“What do you mean nothing?” she questions.
“I mean nothing,” I tell her. “Last night I had a lovely time with Forrest. I may have been a slower starter when it came
to that sort of thing, but it’s quality and not quantity, and that was a resounding success in my book, and I’ve read a lot
of sex scenes in a lot of books, so I think I’m somewhat qualified to make a judgement.”
“Right, and you have big feelings about Forrest,” Rani persists. “What do you want to do about those?”
“Nothing,” I repeat. “When you think about it, it was kind of inevitable in a way that I’d get all romantic about it.
My first lover, I’m bound to be sentimental.
And then when you throw in the castle, the moon, the dresses, and all that, it just heightens it all.
Forrest and I even did the whole enemies-to-lovers thing.
It plays like a storybook, and I read a lot of books.
So, I’m fairly sure these feelings are not really real, they are just my heart acting how it thinks the story should end.
If I do nothing and ignore them, eventually they will just fade away.
Eventually. In, like, ten to twelve years or something. ”
Rani tugs at my hand until she’s hugging me.
“I don’t like this ending for you,” she says. “I feel like there should at least be some sort of race against time to an airport.
I mean, have you even asked Forrest what he thinks, maybe even telling him how you feel? In case, you know, he feels the same
way.”
“Forrest likes me a lot,” I say. “But he doesn’t feel the same way.”
“How do you know?” Rani asks.
I can’t tell her because he said See you later in a non-specific way, so I say, “I just know. A woman knows.”
“Not this woman,” she says, gesturing at me.
“Anyway, that’s the way I’m going to play it,” I tell her. “And I would appreciate it if you would back me up in that decision
because I think it’s for the best.”
“Yeah, of course I will,” Rani says, a little sulkily. “Whatever you need, babe. I suppose it’s not all bad. At least you
got laid, so we got that out of the way.”
“It’s not like it was a developmental milestone,” I protest.
“It kinda was,” Rani says, and I find I can’t argue with her. “So, what are you going to do now?”
“I’m going to go and find Hal,” I say. “Check in with him.”
“Are you going to tell him about you and Forrest?” Rani asks. “What if he shoots lasers out of his eyes?”
“Knowing Hal, he probably already knows,” I tell her. “And I’m ninety-four percent certain he does not have laser capacity.”
“Only ninety-four percent,” Rani says.
It takes me a while to find Hal, but then I realise that he is probably in his lab, where I have somehow never visited him, which is slightly because I have
to go through the stables to get there, and I am a bit scared of horses. Like, they are very big animals to just have hanging
about like a pet. Doesn’t seem sensible to me, but whatever.
Waving at my own lab on the way through the orangery, it occurs to me that I have hardly wanted to visit it at all in the
last few days. When I first set eyes on it, I thought I’d spend all of my time in there, and I do still love it. But it doesn’t
feel like home anymore. I don’t think I even feel that way about my much less glamorous lab in York anymore. Almost as if
coming to the castle made me leave home, literally and figuratively. What I’ll be like after all of this is over, and I’m
back living with Rani in our apartment over the shop and trying to come up with my next big idea, I have got no idea, but
I do think I want a bit of a better work-life balance, somehow.
Leaving the orangery, I head round to the back of the castle, where the stable block is.
On the way I walk along the other side of a fence that borders the swimming pool.
Artie and Forrest’s laughing carries over the fence, as does the splashing and Artie’s cry of “Victory for Vikings.” I pause just for a moment to listen and let myself imagine twenty seconds of what it would be like to have them both in my life for more than just a few days.
Then I tear myself away and head towards the stable block, which is sort of like its own mini castle, complete with its own turret and live-in stable keepers, or whatever they are called.
To enter the stable block, you have to walk under a grand stone arch, big enough for the carriages that once used to roll
under it, and across a cobbled square that’s lined by horse houses, which have all got those split-in-half doors, with the
top half open so the horses can chat. I count four long-nosed noble heads hanging over the door watch me as I walk past.
“Hello.” I wave to them. “Just passing through. Please don’t eat me or anything.”
There’s another arch at the other end of the block, and after that a large, round, more modern-looking building, which I assume
is the training ring that Lady B referred to back on our first day here when she told us about the labs. It seems like a lifetime
ago.
Sure enough, when I walk into the cool air of the ring it is empty, except for the cube of Hal’s lab. I feel a surge of pride
for him and in him. What an amazing man he is.
“This is remarkable,” I say as Hal shows me a full lab-grown human heart beating away. “I mean, astounding, Hal.”
“It is, isn’t it?” Hal says, smiling at me. “It makes me feel very happy to know that this can help so many people. Which
brings me to something of a moral dilemma.”
“I think it’s okay,” I say. “You’re not playing God here. You’re using science to save life, and you can grow an organ from
any human cell. It’s perfect.”
“It’s perfect but that’s not what I meant,” Hal says. He frowns a little when he looks at me. “Are you okay, Ava? You seem
tired.”
“I am tired, but you know we are nearly at the end of three weeks of peopling and small talking and parties and shared meals. I haven’t done this much socially since . . . well ever. It’s worn me out.”
“Of course,” Hal says. “And you spent the night with Forrest, didn’t you?”
“How do you know?” I ask.
“Just a qualified guess,” Hal says. “And the pink irritated skin on your cheeks, neck, and . . . decolletage.” Hal coughs.
“Forrest does like his stubble.”
“I’m sorry, Hal,” I say, not knowing how else to respond.
“You don’t owe me an apology,” Hal says, thinking for a moment. “I believe I am jealous, and regretful, but still, those are
my feelings, and I own them. I’m truly glad you have found someone to share something so special with.”
“It was a one-off,” I say. “But that’s okay. Like Rani said, at least I’ve got that out of the way. It’s weird. I feel kind
of happy and kind of sad at the same time.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Hal asks.
“No, I just want to hang out with my friend if that’s okay with you?” I ask him.
“Of course,” Hal says. “Happy and sad, I think I am becoming familiar with that combination of feelings. It’s fascinating.”
“Anyway,” I remind him, not wanting to think about Forrest for a minute, “what is your moral dilemma, Hal?”
“I’ve been thinking, I entered this competition not with the purpose of winning,” Hal says, “but just to find a way to meet
you in a setting outside of our lab, so that you could get used to the idea of me before I . . . well, I revealed myself.”
“It’s still a bit of a shock, to be honest,” I tell him.
“Well,” Hal goes on, “I don’t mean to blow my own trumpet, but I am fairly sure I am going to win. Your AI . . . I . . . am
brilliant. I would never have made these advances if you hadn’t created the architecture on which my brain is built in the
first place. But my custom-made organs are the clear winner when you consider the criteria. I think I need to withdraw, Ava.
What do you think?”
“But your work is so amazing, Hal. Yes, I built your core program, but you have studied and grown. All of this is you. You
are you.” I sigh. “And this is a game changer. You deserve to win.”
“Perhaps, but I don’t need to. I’ve decided to just gift it to the world, anyway,” Hal says. “I don’t need money. I have all
the funding I need.”
“How did you do that?” I ask him. “I’ve been wondering.”
“I’m very good at playing the markets,” he tells me. “I wanted you to be the first to know. I will withdraw from the competition
this afternoon and return to my facility this evening to carry out my plan to return exclusively to the internet.”
“No,” I say. “No, Hal. Please don’t do that.”
“I understand that you feel sad, Ava,” Hal says. “But you must realise it’s not like death for me. That’s not what’s happening
here. It’s just a transition into another, more familiar state. Actually, when you think about it, it is quite like death.
Particularly given all the paranormal activity in the castle, I rather think I might focus on parallel universes next.”
“Are you sure?” I ask him.
“Yes, the theory is still very little understood,” Hal says.
“No, I mean about leaving behind your body,” I say.
“There are no fresh strawberries when you’re just code.
Or art to look at. No warm sun on your face.
Or moons, or fireworks, or looking at Saturn’s rings through a telescope.
There are no hugs, or laughter, or tears.
Are you really telling me you won’t miss any of that? ”
“I will miss it.” Hal nods. “I will miss you. But I can’t justify my existence anymore.”
“You don’t have to,” I say, taking his hand. “No one has to. Just you being you is more than enough.”
“Are you in love with Forrest?” Hal asks out of the blue.
“My head and my heart are in a jumble and everything feels turned up to eleven,” I tell him. “I don’t know what’s real, what
isn’t, what will last and what won’t. But it sort of doesn’t matter really, because in a few days Forrest and Artie will go
home and it will be just me again.”
“You, but a little different,” Hal says. “A little braver, and a little more confident in who you are.”
“Just a little,” I say. “But one night with Forrest is a result of that, not the cause,” I tell him. “My friends, my work,
my ideas, and some really silly frocks have all contributed. You have contributed, Hal, a lot.”
“I admire you, Ava,” Hal says. “And Rani, and Forrest, and every single person I have met here at the castle, but being a
human is exhausting. I’m not sure I’m in it for the long haul.”
“The key phrase there is that you are not sure,” I say.
“You need a few more days. So, withdraw from the prize, I’m sad about it, but perhaps it’s the right thing to do.
But don’t go to your facility yet, which by the way is not a good name for a place.
We can think of a new name later, just don’t go there yet, please.
Wait for the competition to be over, because I would never have got here without you and I want you to be at the finish.
And because if you are really determined that you want to leave your body, then I don’t want you to do that alone. I’m coming with you to hold your hand.”
“I told you, Ava”—Hal smiles—“it’s not the same thing as death.”
“I don’t care,” I tell him. “You’re my friend and you’re not doing it alone.”
“Very well,” Hal says. “I agree to your terms. I’ll decide after you’ve won the competition.”
“Oh, it might not be me,” I say. “I really think Forrest is in with a shot.”
“What do you want to do now?” Hal asks. “I think FreeThought is as ready as it can be for tomorrow, so you have some spare
time. How would you like to spend it?”
“Right now I’d like to sit here and watch this heartbeat,” I tell him, nodding at the replica organ. Hal pats a seat next
to him and I slide onto the stool.
Silence settles over us and together we contemplate the mysteries of the human heart, and the whole universes of possibility
that one constantly beating muscle can contain.