Chapter 20
TWENTY
Alexia
Present day
The display village has gone quiet by the time I turn back onto the street, agents' cars pulling out in twos and threes, lights switching off in the houses either side of Marcus's like the whole street's settling in for the night.
I press down harder on the accelerator, hoping Marcus hasn't left with everyone else. But his lights stay on, and relief floods me.
My car stops outside Marcus's site. When I turn the ignition off, my hands aren't quite steady on the wheel, and I sit there a second longer than I need to before making myself get out.
With a grocery bag in each hand, I lock the car and head up the path to the beautiful house he built with his two hands.
I've barely gotten two steps up the driveway before he's running down it towards me like the ground's on fire.
"You left!" he shouts, his voice dripping with panic.
I smile at him. "Just for a little bit. I went to pick up some things.
" I hold up the bags like I’m displaying evidence.
"The shop up the road closes at eight. I wanted to bring you something to eat, since I watched you refuse every canapé Anna's servers brought round.
I've never seen you go more than two hours without eating. You must be starving."
He stares at the bags in my hands. "You went to the shops," he says. I can't tell if it's an observation or an accusation based on his tone.
I frown. What's wrong with him? "Yeah. What did you think I did?"
He doesn't answer. What's going on with him?
"Did you think actually I wasn't coming back?" I ask. "Why would you think that?"
He looks at the car and then back at me, as if he hasn't really decided what he's thinking. "You said you weren't going anywhere. And, I called out to you, when I saw you going to your car." He swallows and runs a hand over his face. "You didn't stop."
I sigh, feeling the genuine anxiety in his voice at having seen me leave. "I didn't hear you, Marcus."
"No?" he says, so much uncertainty in his voice that I can't help but feel cut.
"No. I saw you talking with Anna and that agent, so I thought you were going to be busy for while and so I popped out for a few minutes.
I didn't think you'd even notice I was gone.
" I shrug. "I mean, surely you're used to me not being around.
" I say, with a little humourless chuckle, as if it's a joke. But we both know it's not.
I see a flicker of a wince. He grabs the back of his neck, feet shuffling on the ground, trying to steady himself.
"I-I saw you. On the balcony. You looked upset.
" He stops, starts again, slower. "I thought you'd changed your mind.
That you remembered...who I am. Who I was.
What I did to you. And that this was you getting your own back. "
The air whooshes out of my lungs. "You thought I was getting my own back?"
He swallows hard, as if he doesn't want to say the words out loud. "For what happened. At that party. Before you left, remember?"
He clarifies it as if there's any way I don't already know exactly when he means. I almost have to laugh.
"Oh, I remember. No, I'm asking to make sure I heard you right.
" I set the bags down on the porch step, slow, deliberate, because I need both hands free for whatever's coming next.
"You mean when you kissed me like it meant something," I say, "and then left me out in the cold, waiting for you, made me promise you that I'd wait for you, then you went inside and fucked another woman? You mean getting me back for that?"
This time the wince is a full body reaction.
"Yes," he says, voice low, sad. "That."
"So, you thought I'd come here, on this incredibly important night of yours, and what? Make you kiss me again so I could then drive off, after everything, as payback?"
"Look, I didn't know what else to think. You looked so happy up there while we were…talking. And you said you'd wait, and then you were gone, and the only thing that made sense in my head was that you remembered who I was and decided I deserved exactly what I gave you."
I turn away. I know I should just get in my car and leave. It's like the universe is giving me a reminder of what happened. But I can't. I can't leave it like this.
I take a deep breath. He wants to do this now? Then I guess we're doing it.
"Marcus, look at me." He doesn't right away.
But when he sees I'm not continuing until he does, he turns to me.
"Do you have any idea what that night did to me?
" My voice cracks properly now, making room for the anger.
"I was nineteen. You were someone I had idolised, had a crush on for years.
And for a split second, you made me believe that I was someone you could imagine giving your attention to.
And then thirty minutes later, I watched you do the exact same thing to some other girl.
I stood in that kitchen and I felt like the stupidest girl in Adelaide. It broke me, Marcus."
He grits his teeth, fists white-knuckled at his side. "You weren't stupid. I'm the one who was stupid."
"Well, I felt stupid, Marcus. And I've been spending six years trying to figure out what happened. What made you turn around and decide that you didn't want me. That you preferred some random drunk girl you met at a party instead."
Something in him breaks. "No! God, no. I didn't. Lexi. Please believe me, that's not what—"
"Then what was it, Marcus? How could you do that to me? I might not have been the girl you wanted, but I thought we were at least friends! How could you make me hate you like that!" I shout, all restraint burned away in the hurt and anger.
"Because I had to! It was the only way! I had to make you hate me.
I had to kill any feelings you had for me.
And it killed me to do it." He grabs his hair again and tugs, his face contorted in pain.
"You're Leon's sister! I shouldn't have kissed you then.
Fuck, I shouldn't even be having this conversation with you now!
But I can't...I can't keep living thinking that you hate me. I'd rather anything but that."
We stare at each other, chests heaving, each living in our own pasts.
"I don't hate you." My voice breaks properly now. "But I wanted you to come back that night. So badly. I sat on that step for thirty minutes wanting you to come back. Wanting to see what would, what could happen between us."
His eyes flood with regret. "I know." His voice isn't steady either, not anymore.
"I wanted to. I didn't even want to get up and leave.
But, I didn't know what else to do. When we kissed, the world fell out from under me.
And I knew, I had to do something to stop it right then and there.
Because if I let myself kiss you even once more, I'd never be able to stop.
I promise you, Alexia, there hasn't been a single day since where some part of me hasn't wished I'd just stayed on that step instead.
" He takes a step towards me and I retreat.
I breathe. Long. Deep. “No, Marcus, I wasn't trying to do to you what you did to me. And do you know why?”
He stares back at me, waiting.
So I tell him. “Because I would never, ever have thought that you'd care enough about me to ever be hurt by me.”
Pain flashes in his eyes. And he takes a step towards me.
"Nothing could be further from the truth, Lexi. Nothing. You have no idea the thousands of ways in which you could hurt me."
I nod, as if accepting his words. But I just don't know if I can. It would mean that everything I've been believing all this time was a lie.
As if he can read my mind, he says, "Tell me how I'm supposed to fix it, Alexia. Tell me how I can make you believe that if I could go back and change how that night ended, I would."
I stare up at him. This beautiful, warm, charismatic man who I've never been able to resist. And know that in no universe could I ever refuse him.
And I don't want to. Not tonight. Just once, I want to get to have him.
"You really think about how that night could've ended differently?" I ask.
His face floods with yearning. "Every single fucking day."
I drag a ragged breath into my lungs. "Show me."
The world freezes around us.
And then he moves.
He kisses me before either of us can find another word to put distance between us, one hand gripping my jaw, the other pulling me flush against him, and for half a second I'm stiff with the natural fight still in me, and then I'm not fighting, I'm yielding, both my hands fisting into his shirt, holding onto him as though the next breath will take him from me again.
And I'm kissing him back with everything I've ever felt for him.
This isn't the kiss on the balcony, careful and golden and slow. This is hot, deep, searing and ragged.
His breath is hot on my face as we pull apart, leaning his forehead against me, panting. "Do you know what you're saying?"
"Yes."
He sweeps me up in another kiss, and I'm utterly breathless. "Tell me, say it so I know..."
"I want you to do to me what you would've done that night if I was the girl you'd taken upstairs."
His eyes flutter closed. "And what do you think that would've involved?"
I can't help the smirk that crosses my face as I let my hands reach down between us, my hand tracing the hardness already pressing against the seam of his pants. He looks around at the empty block. But he doesn't tell me to stop.
"Marcus? Could it be you need me to explain the birds and the bees to you?"
He gasps as my hand cups him, and his eyes fly open. "I'm not kidding, I need you to know what's going to happen if we keep going."
I roll my eyes as I pull his zipper down and slide my hand in, moving my hand up and down along the hard length I can feel, my mouth already drooling.