Chapter 28
“YOU’RE PROBABLY NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS.”
Chevelle
Iarrive at Mom’s gravesite. My brothers and my dad are already there, standing around waiting for me. I do not like being in this role. I like being the one who calls these meetings.
“Hello,” I say with zero enthusiasm.
“Hey, Chevelle.” Adam hugs me.
Then each of my brothers hugs me too. They’re not normally that affectionate with me. Here we go again with them treating me like damaged goods. But I don’t say anything. Instead, I take my place at the end of the line they’ve formed in front of Mom’s grave.
“X?” Cade says, putting Xavier on FaceTime and passing his phone to my dad.
Usually when we’re here, we each take turns talking to Mom, and I call out to the brother who can’t get his head on straight.
My dad sits on a bench nearby, holding the phone with Xavier’s face on the screen.
I read my mom’s gravestone for the millionth time, sighing when I read how young she was when she died.
Fisher takes a small safe out of his duffel bag and puts it on her gravestone. “I found this in the basement.”
“What is it?” Adam asks.
“It was Mom’s,” Fisher says.
They all look at me, and I roll my eyes.
“What? And you just found it now?” Cade looks at our dad.
“As I explained to Fisher, whatever’s inside, your mom put it in there when she had a health scare about two years before she passed. Obviously everything turned out okay with her health, but when she put that safe together, she was convinced she was sick.”
“Dad says we all have to agree on whether we want to open it or not.” Fisher looks at us one by one.
“This seems unfair since I’m in San Francisco,” Xavier says. “I could have flown… no, I couldn’t.” He pushes his hand through his hair and sighs. “My vote is to open it. If there’s something in there specific to me, just keep it until I come home.”
All eyes go to Cade. “I say we open it.”
“Adam?” Fisher asks.
He nods. “Open.”
“Open,” Fisher says for his vote.
Again, they all look at me.
I’m scared to see what’s inside, but I’m not the kind of person who can walk away without knowing. “We should open it.”
Fisher picks it up, and my dad pulls a drill out of the bag sitting next to him.
“Okay then. You all agree. But before we open this, I want to say something.” My dad holds the phone out to Cade, who takes it and turns it so Xavier’s looking at our dad as he hands the drill to Fisher.
“Go ahead, Dad,” Adam says.
“Your mom loved you all. You were her life. During this health scare, she was so worried about dying. Worried about leaving you all and not seeing you grow old. The relief when we found out it was nothing to worry about was one of the happiest days of our lives. And then the accident happened a couple of years later. She got two years more than she thought she’d have with you. ”
I lower my head. She could’ve had our entire lives.
“I feel like we need to talk this through as a family. We’ve dodged this conversation for years, and it’s about time we put it to rest, here and now. Chevelle!” my dad barks.
I look up.
“She would’ve had it no other way. You were only five and just wanted to be with your brothers. As you will find out someday if you become a parent, you would give up your life for your child at any cost.”
I look away, ashamed, but spot Cade, Adam, and Fisher nodding.
“If something had happened to you that day…” Dad shakes his head, tears in the corners of his eyes.
“I don’t know that she would have been able to go on.
If she were here today, she would tell you that she does not regret what happened.
Not at all. One thing she said to me during her health scare was, ‘Better me than one of you.’ She never wanted to see any of you in pain.
” He rests his arms on his thighs. “Sometimes I wonder if she would’ve been better at this than I am.
If it had been me, maybe you wouldn’t carry around all the scars from that day. ”
“No, Dad,” Cade says. “It just would’ve been about you.”
Dad nods. “It was an accident. No one is at fault, and there’s nothing anyone could’ve done.”
“I could have not gone on that ice,” I murmur.
“Do any of you boys blame Chevelle?” my dad asks.
I steel myself for their answers. My stomach flips over, and I feel as though I might be sick.
“No,” they say in unison, and a tear slips down my face.
“Do you worry about her all the time and the guilt that consumes her?”
“Yes,” they answer.
“Chevelle, honey, you were five. I want you to think about Emelia or Trey. They’re already a few years older. Would you blame them?” My dad looks me square in the eyes and waits for me to answer.
I shake my head.
“Do you believe either of your brothers would willingly die if it meant their child was safe?”
I nod, crying harder at the thought.
“Then stop blaming yourself. I know you’ve all forgotten certain things about your mom, but I’m here to tell you, she would be so upset to know how much guilt you carry around with you, Chevelle.
Cam is a good guy, and the accident that happened last week was just that—an accident.
And it turned out in our favor. We didn’t lose anyone we love, and we get to be grateful to still have them in our lives. ”
We all remain silent.
“If life has taught you anything, it’s that tragedy can strike when you least expect it, so cherish every good thing and live your life to the fullest, kids. Now, open the safe.”
Fisher starts up the drill and buries it in the lock portion of the safe. It pops open. We all watch him stop the drill and pull out the bit.
I let out the breath I was holding while he was drilling.
“It’s open,” Cade says.
“Yeah,” I say.
“Someone see what’s inside,” X says.
“You do it, Dad,” Fisher pushes it our dad’s way.
He puts the safe on the bench and opens the lid. My brothers rush over to see, but I stay back, afraid and anxious to know what’s inside.
“I knew it,” Adam says. “Letters.” He lifts his out of the safe.
“Dad got a mixed tape.” Fisher smiles.
“She loved me more,” Dad says, laughing.
I edge closer. There’s a note on the cassette that says, “Listen to me when you miss me.” How will that go over with Marla? I shake my head because that’s my dad’s business, not mine.
Dad passes Cade my letter, who passes it to Adam, who passes it to me. Scripted in my mom’s handwriting is Chevelle, my darling little girl.
“So, everyone’s good, right?” Adam asks, digging his car key out of his pocket.
“Adam,” I sigh.
“We’re not all gonna sit here and read letters she wrote us, are we?” he says.
“No. I’m reading mine in private,” Cade chimes in.
We all know Fisher won’t read his here because he likes to act as though he doesn’t have emotions.
“I think we’ll all read on our own. And if you don’t want to read it, that’s okay too.” Dad stands.
He’s obviously crazy. I’m tearing into this as soon as I’m alone.
“Xavier, I’ll hold on to yours until you’re back in town,” my dad says.
“Thanks, Dad. All right, everyone, I gotta get down to the field for practice. I’ll chat with you later.”
We all say goodbye, and he hangs up.
I say goodbye to my brothers, but my dad lingers beside me for a moment.
“I’m going, but I hope you heard what I was saying earlier.
At some point, you have to stop blaming yourself.
What happened the other night could happen to anyone, and it has, but you got out on the good side.
Be thankful and move on with your life. Cherish the things that matter. Don’t push them away.”
I hug my dad and squeeze him tight. “Thank you. I do feel much better.”
“Good. Now I’ll leave you alone.” He holds up the cassette. “I have to find something to play this in. Maybe Marla will help.” He heads down to his truck.
I sit on the bench in front of my mom’s gravestone and open the envelope. My hands shake because I’m so nervous about what I might find inside.
“Can you believe they actually orchestrated this themselves?” I giggle because I didn’t think my brothers had it in them.
I pull out the piece of paper. I never even knew her handwriting, and her cursive is so pretty.
Chevelle,
My baby girl. Don’t tell your dad, but I had to beg him to try just one more time for a girl.
Don’t get me wrong, I love your brothers, but I wanted a little girl to wear cute dresses and play in my makeup.
I wanted someone in our household who would understand me a little better.
And when we found out you were a girl, you should’ve seen your dad’s face.
He was as excited as I was. Watching him with you these past three years, how you’ve wrapped him around your finger, has been something special.
Your fierce personality and determination to compete with your brothers are two of the traits I admire most in you. Your independence is sometimes challenging when I want you to do something, but I hope you never lose it. It will serve you well.
I’m sorry I’m gone, because we were going to be a team against the boys. But someone had other plans for me.
I think about you being the youngest and what it’ll be like for you to have lost your mom so early in life.
You’ve been with me the least amount of time, and I’m not naive enough not to know that by the time you’re older, you won’t remember me.
Although I know your dad will do a good job of talking about me.
And I hope your brothers share stories to keep my memory alive.
But just in case, I’ve listed some words of wisdom for you on the following pages.
But if you only live life according to one specific line of advice I give you, it is, “Live your life like there isn’t a tomorrow.
” Meaning, don’t waste your time or energy worrying about things you can’t control, and unfortunately, death is one of those things.
If it wasn’t, I’d still be with you now.
Now, I’m going to put in a motherly disclaimer here—this does not mean you go out and do extreme death-defying acts.
It means don’t be scared to go after your dreams, to love with your entire heart, and never apologize for being you.
During the years without me, you can reference some of the things I put on the following pages, or you can just live by the one quote. Enjoy this life, Chevelle, you only get one.
Love,
Mom
I look through the pages, reading lines about prom and not to be a cliché by losing my virginity that night, or how all friends come with good and bad sides to them but to make sure the good outweighs the bad, and to pick a husband who loves your family as much as you do (along with a long list of the traits of a man who would deserve me).
I press the papers to my chest and take a deep breath. It feels as if she’s here with me now. I can almost hear the words in her voice.
I fold the papers and put them in the envelope to read again later.
“You’re probably not going to believe this, but I’m in love with Cameron Baker, Fisher’s best friend…” I tell my mom all about how I fell in love with him and how scared I was when I thought I might lose him.
Something shifts inside me when I’m talking to her. A weight lifts off my shoulders and a feeling of peace wraps around me, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel as if everything will work out okay.
Twenty minutes later, I stand and wipe the last of my tears. When I turn toward the street, Cam is there, waiting in front of his jeep. He waves to me. Just as my mom told me to, I decide then and there to live my life like there’s no tomorrow.
I run toward his waiting arms, and he catches me as he always does. As I know he always will.
“I love you,” I say once I’m secure in his arms. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too, girlfriend.” He lowers me to the ground, and I look up into his eyes.
“I think I like the sound of wife better.”
His smile radiates joy as he brushes my hair out of my face. “Done.”