MALI
Symphony told me she would be out for a while, so I decided to take some time to do something I had been avoiding.
Today, I felt much better. I still had the urge, but knowing I was on the right path outweighed that.
When I pulled up to the building, I let out a sharp breath, trying to convince myself that what I was doing was right.
My purpose in doing this was for the good.
As I stepped inside, I coached myself, accountability, awareness, acceptance.
When I walked into the room, the people were already gathered, sitting in a circle. Everyone’s head turned to look at me. “Welcome, the power is in your hands.” The man smiled. “The first step is taking accountability.”
I slowly nodded as I walked closer and sat down next to a woman who reeked of liquor.
She looked as if she hadn’t slept in days.
The shit was all too familiar. It made me feel uneasy and embarrassed because I knew I had probably looked the same way to others at some point.
“Today is the first day of a new life, a new beginning, a new you.
Now, if I sat here and said that the road you're on will be easy, I would be a liar, but what I can tell you is that with steps, patience, and conversations, this journey can be easier.”
I could see people nodding their heads while others couldn’t care less what the hell he was talking about. However, I was all ears.
“Let’s start by channeling your past. Fight those demons that have a grip on you so that they can be released and set you free.”
I swallowed deeply as I thought about my past. I knew this was all new to me, and I was determined to get my conscience cleared.
***
I stared at the rundown projects reflecting on our time here.
Jalen couldn’t have been any older than three or four when my father decided to pick us up and move.
I laughed as my vision of what I thought was the best place in the world filled my head.
I scanned the area, watching people move around until I spotted him.
He was sitting on a crate in front of a boarded-up door.
I watched as he tilted his head back, sucking down whatever was left in that bottle hidden by the brown paper bag.
The way his head shook as he enjoyed the bitter taste of what he considered love.
I knew what that felt like, and to even be here in the presence of it all was hard.
However, I needed this moment, not just for me, but for my brothers.
I knew my father was down here, and at some point, I was going to mention it to my brothers, but I wanted to protect them from everything that he was.
The little they got to experience was enough because, although they didn’t have to deal with him any longer, they were still dealing with him through me.
My feet felt heavy as I started to make my way toward him.
I wanted to do what the sponsor said, face my past, but the closer I got, the more I realized he wasn’t worth it.
I knew that no matter what type of conversation we had, the fact remained that he would never change.
This couldn’t be my future, and I refused to let it be.
When he glanced up at me, I froze. I could see him squinting, trying to figure out who I was, and I quickly turned and hurried back toward the car. “Mison!” I heard him call out.
I ignored him as I hopped in the car and took off.
The entire ride home, I thought about what was to come of all this.
I wasn’t sure what God had planned, but I was listening.
I made a quick stop to pick up flowers for Symphony.
I wanted to thank her for rocking it out with a nigga, and although I had a long way to go, having her around meant a lot to me.
When I got home, I saw her car in the driveway. Since my brothers hadn’t been around, I had given her a key so she could come and go as she pleased, so I knew she was in the house. When I entered the house, Symphony was sitting on the couch with a gift box on her lap. “Hey, baby,” I said to her.
She didn’t really smile. “Hey,” she whispered.
I walked over and sat next to her. “I promise I did not drink. A nigga swears.”
Her smile was weak. “I know. Here,” she said as she handed me the box that was on her lap.
I glanced down at the box, scared to open it. I slowly pulled at the bow, then lifted the lid from the box. I stared long and hard. I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t know if I would even be good at being a father. Hell, I didn’t feel worthy at all. My eyes slowly rose to her.
She fumbled with her hands. “I know you're on this new journey, and I don’t want to mess that up, so whatever we decide here and now is what we will do.”
“This is a forever thing, Symph.”
“I know.”
I laughed. “A fucking baby?”
A nigga with a heart. I thought. “I’m cool with it,” I told her. “Yeah, a nigga is cool with it.”