Chapter 10 #3
“I don’t want to ruin anything for you. I should have listened to you about marketing, a new website, social media engagement, and all your other ideas.
Instead, I sent you off on a fool’s errand.
I sent you because the truth is, I was too scared to go myself.
I’ve always been too scared. I don’t want to say I wasted my life.
I’ve loved my time here, even if what I wanted deep down was different.
Anyway, I’ve made some sort of peace with that. ”
I have no idea how to process the fact that my dad is basically telling me he’s spent all this time feeling like this, all while he’s almost parroting back my thoughts about wanting to go to culinary school and not go into business, word for word.
He turns to Luca again. I search their faces, my eyes bouncing from one to another frantically, but Luca remains shut down while my dad looks tormented.
“The one thing I never could make right was how you left, Luca. I understood you had to go, and I reacted badly. There was this part of me that hoped you’d stay.
When you were here, everything felt vibrant.
Your hunger and your passion ignited me.
Stealing your energy wasn’t right. I wanted a fraction of it for myself. ”
“It’s not a crime to borrow inspiration.” Luca might look neutral, but his voice isn’t okay. “I never felt like you stole anything from me.”
“I regretted my words and actions more than you leaving.” I’ve never seen my dad break down fully before.
He’s not a large man, but he’s definitely not small either.
It rattles me, watching him tremble like this.
I’ve known for a long time that my parents aren’t infallible, but parts of me still have a childlike view of them as being stronger than they are.
I know they don’t have all the answers, but there’s obviously so much I have no idea about, and neither do they.
“It would have been such a small thing to call you and apologize, but the longer time went on…”
“The harder it was, until it became next to impossible,” Luca fills in when Dad’s voice gets too thick. “I felt the same way.”
“I should have called you after your accident. Even if you didn’t want to talk to me, it would have been the right thing to do.”
Luca sighs. He whips off the hairnet and unties the apron, but he doesn’t set it aside. Instead, he puts the net in the pocket and folds the apron into an immaculate square before placing it on the prep counter. “I probably would have taken it the wrong way. It’s better that I’ve had time.”
“It wasn’t a fool’s errand,” I blurt out, unable to keep quiet any longer. I never thought I had a knack for saying the exact wrong thing before. It kind of sucks, proving myself wrong.
Luca freezes.
I know now isn’t the right time, but will any time be right?
Will it ever be perfect? In the spirit of sharing and being honest down to the very bottom of our hearts, I need to speak my truth.
Will he forgive me? Because this is his truth too.
“Luca and I… we found an emotional connection we weren’t expecting. ”
“What do you mean?” Mom’s gaze shoots straight to my dad, searching and beseeching, but it’s my hand she returns the favor to, squeezing so tight that it loses some feeling.
“I know we live in different cities, but we’d like to figure out a way to keep in contact and… and get to know each other better.” Spade, meet my mouth, meet the giant hole I’m digging myself into.
For the love of pies.
This goes beyond love of pies. It goes beyond any for the love of I can even think to make.
“You mean dating?” Dad wheezes. “You want to date someone twice your age?”
“Each other?” Mom clarifies, her face whipping around so fast between the three of us that she’s blurry.
Luca doesn’t brace himself. He doesn’t gear up for war. He actually softens, and it’s disarming to me. My parents have the same reaction. Some of the tension hisses away, releasing into the atmosphere as spent breath and an averted crisis.
“I mean dating. And yes, I do. All of us in this room know what regret means. We’ve lived it. I’m okay with giving you both time to process this, but I’m as clear on this and as serious as I’ve ever been about anything.”
Luca doesn’t need me to champion him. He’s so beautiful, standing there, stripped down and honest, right on the verge of every emotion he knew and some that he didn’t.
They’re all rushing through me as well. I finally understand the meaning of a beautiful mess.
Maybe I should have waited. I could have picked a different time and called it better, but I wanted this time.
I wanted this moment. I don’t want him to walk out the door and not have any idea that I would choose him over fear and over making my parents comfortable. Discomfort is necessary for growth.
Dad recovers first. He’s not angry, but he does grasp the back of his hair with both hands. Anger is different than being worked up, isn’t it? “Have you touched my daughter—”
“Dad!” I shoot out of the chair and rush over, setting my hands on his shoulders.
I’m ready to dig my feet into the floor to hold him back if that’s what it’s going to take.
“This is a mutual decision that we’ve thought out and talked over as adults.
Let’s just take a few breaths.” I do realize that sounds worse.
“And the answer to that is no. Luca’s been nothing but respectful.
I would have lost my head, but he didn’t let that happen. ”
Luca groans. To him, those might as well be fighting words. Gas on the fire. Sugar on top of the pie.
Dad cups my face tenderly. It hurts to see the heartbreak there. Luca was his friend. He was the light and life of this bakery, but he’s not right for me. “You’re young and beautiful, and you carry the whole sun inside you. You’re my angel.”
“We just baked a pie together, and I felt the magic you talked about. I didn’t think it existed, but I get it now,” I say, imploring both my parents to listen.
“There was a piece always missing here. Luca completes it, even if he was never meant to stay, and he can’t stay now.
He completes what was missing in me too. ”
Bombshell, meet the room.
The pie bakes on happily in the oven behind my dad, the light illuminating the increasingly golden crust.
“You’ve known each other for a few days!” Dad splutters. “How can you say something like that?”
“With hope and some trepidation,” I reply.
“You can’t talk about being complete when you’re blinded by infatuation. That’s not real.”
Mom stands up and walks over to us. She goes quiet when she needs time to think. Dad gets emotional and a little hot-headed, but not Mom. Her silence is worrying. Her saying something would be less cause for anxiety, even if she were going in the same direction.
She takes my dad’s hand, acting as the calming force that she’s always been for him. I know I can leave him in her hands and go to stand beside Luca. But I don’t touch him. Being on this side of the room doesn’t draw lines. It’s not dividing us and my parents.
“I know you can’t fall for someone in a few days, but you can want to know them.
That’s what we’d like to do. We’d like to continue to get to know each other.
I know this seems messy. Logistically, it must not make any sense to you.
” It doesn’t. I’ve never seen my parents appear so lost. It’s an emotional night, and I’ve blown the contained sense of homecoming wide open.
“I came prepared to have this conversation, and I’m still at a loss, but there’s one thing that’s certain.
Luca has never hurt me or used me. He’s always been honest. I was the one who was desperate enough to lie to him at the beginning.
I caused him pain. Neither of us chased the other.
We’re just standing here like two magnets with all that energy working between us.
It feels inevitable that we’ll be pulled together because that’s how we were made. ”
“You’re both not magnets. You’re both human beings, and this can’t happen.” Dad shuffles his feet like he can stomp this out before it starts.
“You live across the country,” Mom points out quietly. “You both have separate lives. He’s much more experienced than you are, and you are still young.”
“I know. That’s hard, but it doesn’t change my mind.
There are plenty of ways to see each other, especially if you’re talking about retiring.
I’d stay and help you here for as long as you like, but if you both wanted me to be out in the world, and you prepared me for that, then you’ll have to let me make my own decisions.
I’ll miss you if I move, but I’m not choosing Luca over you or you over him. It’s my choice and my life to live.”
My parents exchange looks, and Luca’s breathing has an edge to it. Is shouty-breathing a thing? Breathing in flashing neon lights? Right, that’s what near hyperventilation sounds like.
“If you ever hurt my—” Dad grunts.
“Dad, stop.” I can’t keep the sharp edge from my tone. “That’s not fair. I’m not going into this thinking it’s a fairytale. It’s life, and it takes work. Sometimes, things get messy, and it hurts. But you can’t put that on him.”
“You live like a hermit. My daughter has dreams. She’s the sun. You’re going to stuff her into your darkness so she can’t live?”
“That’s not what I want,” Luca chokes.
Fuck, there might as well be arrows sticking out of him after my dad fired those shots. I can’t believe he went there. I never in my life could have imagined he’d be so… rude. And horrible.
I know he loves me. I’m his only child.
I foolishly thought I could convince my parents not to worry, and that with some time, they’d see things the way I see them, or they’d at least respect my decision.
The problem with that is that there hasn’t been enough time.
We’re still right in the heart of it.