22. Sarah
22
SARAH
“What are you guys talking about?” Ian asks as he bursts into the kitchen, a pissed expression on his face.
He didn't hear us, did he?
I falter for a moment, trying to decide if I want to tell him the truth or lie my way out of the situation.
My mouth decides for me by opening. “Nothing, I, um… It's just work and everything else with my dad,” I lie, intentionally not meeting his eyes. I do meet my aunt's, though. She’s chastising me.
She wants me to tell him the truth. What she doesn't get is that I know Ian. He's going to run away if I tell him the truth. He's wired that way. The first sign of complication, and he's out the door. That's what he did all those years ago when he found out our age difference.
“Bullshit. I heard you guys. Your aunt was clearly telling you to stop keeping something from me. What is it?”
It's my turn to look at my aunt in disapproval now. I didn't even want to talk about this to begin with. She started the conversation despite my protest. I hope she's happy now.
“Nothing, Ian. I promise.”
It kills me to look him in the eyes and lie to him, but it's what has to be done. I'm not ready to tell him the truth, not after what he said to me in the early hours of this morning.
Are you on any birth control? The words kept ringing in my head through the night. I could barely sleep.
He has some nerve. After we've had sex many times, now he remembers to ask me that?
Asshole.
Regardless, his words tell me his stance. He isn't ready to be a father. What he doesn't know is, he will soon be one.
Yeah, I'm pregnant. And there's no way Ian is not bolting out of the door without looking back if I tell him that. I mean, I'm not a hundred percent certain. I should probably give him the benefit of the doubt like my aunt is saying. But I literally just got him back. Am I willing to lose him? Especially with all that's going on right now?
I can't. I'm not ready to be alone. So if that means I have to lie to him for a couple more days, then fine.
“Sarah,” he says, his face red with anger. “Tell me the truth.”
“Or what?”
“What?”
“You said to tell you the truth, and I sense an ‘or’ coming up. What's the ultimatum?”
Groaning, he steps back from his position at the entrance of the kitchen, leaving him partially in the living room and almost in the kitchen. Somehow this image of him reflects his current stance in my life: one leg in, one leg out.
“Or what, Ian? What will you do if I don't tell you the truth?” I snap, my own anger now rising.
“Don't do this.”
“Do what? Ask you to trust me? Because the last time I checked, that's what I asked you to do, and you agreed to it!”
“I didn't agree to shit! You said it and didn't ask me if I'm fine with it or not.”
He may not have agreed to my plea, but he didn't disagree either. “This is bullshit.”
“Oh, I'm glad you said it, because for once we can agree on the same thing. This right here,” he motions between him and me, “is bullshit. Whatever this is, it's not going to last if you don't trust me enough to tell me the truth.”
“I do trust you, Ian. That's why I asked you to trust me. That's why I'm still asking you to trust me now.”
“Then tell me the truth,” he says in a final tone.
Looking at my aunt, she's now focused on me, giving me a look that says she's in full support of Ian.
Not cool.
Even if she doesn't understand where I'm coming from, I expect her to support me. Me. Not Ian. I'm her family.
Shaking my head, I throw the sponge in my hand down. I was wiping the counter when Ian walked in and ambushed me with his anger.
“I'm going to walk away, and we'll talk when you're calm,” I say and start to walk out of the kitchen.
No one says anything as I leave. When I pass, I'm not too surprised when Ian grabs my arm to stop me from walking.
“I’ll leave,” he says so low I almost think I’ve misheard him. But he repeats himself. This time clearer. “If you walk away from this conversation, then I'm going to assume that you don't give a rat’s ass about me, and I'm going to leave. There's no point in being here if I'm not wanted.”
I nod a couple of times, and his words sink in with every shake of my head.
Taking my hand to where he's holding me, I tap him, twice.
“If that's how you feel, then you know where the door is.” I release his grip on me and walk away before he can say anything else. I keep my feet walking until I get in front of my room and open the door.
The moment the door closes behind me, tears start to spill. I hear Ian’s footsteps as he walks out of the house. The loud bang of the door as it closes behind him will forever haunt me.
But deep inside, I know I did the right thing. If he can leave me because I want time to tell him I'm carrying his baby, then all he's done is prove how right I am for not wanting to tell him at all.
What the hell was I thinking, letting him back into my life? And letting him get me pregnant?
Now I'm stuck with not only one child without a father in her life, but another, too.
I feel like slapping someone in the face, and it's not Ian or Kyle.
It's me.
How do I always let myself get knocked up by men who don't give two shits about me?
The door to my room opens, and I raise my head to see it's my aunt. One look at my face, and she's beside me, wiping my tears.
“Oh, dear. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have brought the topic up when he was around the house.” She apologizes, gathering me in her arms. My anger toward her immediately melts.
“It's fine. You were right, anyway. I just needed time. Is that too much to ask for?”
“No, it's not. If it's any consolation, I think he cares about you.”
Shaking my head, I pull away from her. I know she's just saying that to make me feel better.
“No. You don't have to say anything to make me feel better.”
“I'm not saying anything to make you feel better. I'm telling the truth. The man cares about you.”
“Well, he clearly did not care enough to stay,” I huff, cleaning the remaining tears on my face.
My aunt bites her lips, her face grim from her attempt to not say anything.
“Just say it.”
She purses her lips at my words, pretending as though she has nothing to say, but she only lasts a few minutes before she speaks.
“I just think you could have handled the situation a lot better.”
“Auntie,” I say her name in warning.
“Fine, I'll shut up. But I think you both are being childish.”
“Childish? Ian is well into his mid-forties.”
“Age has nothing to do with maturity, and you know it.”
Sighing, I shrug.
Maybe she's right. Maybe she's not. It really doesn't matter. What does is the fact that he left at the first sign of trouble. That's what he's always done.
He did it all those years ago.
I wonder if he sees the error in his action. This is a time when I need him most, and he left me because I wouldn't tell him why I couldn't donate bone marrow to my father.
If only he knew that things are more complicated than they seem.
What would he have me do? Tell him the truth? How am I supposed to do that?
I bet he would want me to do the bone marrow surgery in the blink of an eye, even if he knew the complication.
That's not true, and you know it.
Fine, Ian would never let me put my life in danger, and I know it. But I'm all up in my feelings right now.
This was the same thing that happened with my father. He left me when I needed him most and then came back years later, begging me to save his life.
There's just so much at stake here. Him, my dad, Olivia. This whole situation is putting me in the spotlight, and it's only a matter of time before she's affected, too.
She's been my secret so far. No one knows about her except my aunt. I couldn't risk Kyle, who by the way, is a very dangerous man, finding out about her. Not only would he take her from me if he finds out, but he may also kill me for hiding her from him for so long.
Can't Ian just understand all this?
But I guess he can't because I didn't tell him.
Crap, my aunt is right.
He can't empathize with me because he doesn't exactly get where I'm coming from. It's too late now, though.
He left on his own accord, and I'm not about to beg him to come back. Maybe if he'd been patient like I asked of him, I would eventually tell him everything. But now, he'll never know. At least I won't have to endure the pain of having him reject me when he finds out I'm pregnant.
“God, I wish I could talk to Olivia so badly right now. I want to tell her about the new addition to our life, you know? But I can't call her because I can't risk it.”
My aunt smiles in understanding, her hand rubbing my back in a soothing motion.
“You're a good mother, Sarah. I'm sure all this will blow over soon and you can speak with her.”
I don't feel like it. I rarely speak with her because I'm trying to protect her. She's no longer a small girl, and the older she gets, the more questions she has. Questions I can't answer.
The bell to the house rings, and my aunt and I immediately exchange a look of surprise. I'm immediately on my feet, my heart jumping to my throat as I hope it's Ian.
I'll be so happy if it is. I won't even hesitate to apologize to him.
My aunt and I leave my room, and we go into the living room. She opens the door, insisting that I stay back just in case it isn't Ian.
She opens the door. The voice that responds to her greeting isn't Ian’s. It's a female voice. And the words she utters immediately make me wish we'd never left my room.
Damn it.