44. Sarah
44
SARAH
Ian has been in a coma for two weeks now.
After finding out how serious his situation was and passing out while I was at it, I immediately signed for his operation when I gained consciousness back.
The surgery was successful. About twenty-four hours after, he was taken off sedation because of how well he was responding to treatment.
But then he woke up, gasping for breath and scared out of his mind, only to slip into a coma.
That's been over two weeks now. Two weeks of never once leaving his side. Two weeks of forcing myself to sleep and eat for the sake of our child while being scared out of my mind that he may never get better.
Saying it's been emotionally draining would be an understatement. I'm barely keeping it together.
Everybody tries to help. Sheila, Mandy, even Peter. But I refuse to take his help. I had him removed from the room the first time he came, and he's not been back since.
I don't care if he's feeling remorseful or not. None of this would have happened if not for him.
Sheila calls daily, checking in on me, trying to keep me sane.
As for Mandy, she's been a lifesaver. Always checking on me first thing in the morning and ensuring that I get everything I need before going home every night.
She's tried to get me to go home with her a couple of times so I can sleep in a proper bed. I refuse every time. I'd rather sleep on the seat than leave his side. What if he wakes up again scared and I'm not there to calm him down?
I was barely successful the last time as it is.
I bathe in his room’s bathroom with the door open as fast as I can. Everything I eat, Mandy is the one getting it. I honestly don't know what I would have done without her these past weeks.
On cue, my phone chimes with a text. I smile when I see it's from her.
Amanda: I'm coming soon. You better not be stinking.
That's her way of indirectly asking if I've showered.
I start to type a response back to her.
Me: I've showered today, thanks for asking.
I press send and then dump the phone back in my pocket, letting my eyes trail back to him. I try not to cry at the sight of him. I've been doing so much crying lately it's becoming exhausting.
He looks nothing like the man who told me he loves me and then promised to get me dinner on his way back. If only I hadn't let him leave.
He's hooked to a ventilator. At first, he was able to breathe on his own. But after a few days he's unable to. The doctors keep telling me he's doing better, but it's hard to believe it. He doesn't look good!
My phone rings in my lap, startling me. I notice a slight shift in his face and wait for any sign that he may be awake. I don't see any, so I pick up the call.
“Auntie?” I say.
There's no word from her end though, making me take the phone away from my ear to be sure she's the one who called.
She is.
“Sheila, are you there?” I ask, getting concerned. It's unlike her to call and not speak immediately.
“Mom, it's me.” Olivia's voice comes through.
I pause, not sure what to say. She's been refusing to speak to me for weeks now. Nothing Sheila does has worked. What changed?
“Sweetheart, how are you doing?”
“I'm not okay,” she says in that sweet voice of hers. My heart aches, wishing I could take her pain away.
“What's wrong, baby? You're not happy in London?”
It's a dumb question to ask. She wasn't happy in Ohio, why would she be in a different country?
“No, Mom. I'm not.”
I nod, trying to think of any consolation I can offer her. Nothing comes to me. I need Ian to wake up. I'm not functioning well with the fear of his health.
“Why?” I resort to asking.
“Because you're not here. I miss you, and I'm mad at you. Auntie won't tell me what's going on. You both just brought me here and refused to let me in. Why aren't you here with us, Mom? Where are you? What's going on? When are we coming back home?”
She has so many questions yet there's only one answer.
Sighing, I push up from my seat and start to pace the room to stretch my legs. I need to clear my head, too.
I'm suddenly tired of hiding things from her, but I'm not sure if telling her is the right thing. She may not handle the truth well.
“Olivia, I don't know what to say.” I settle with that.
“Tell me the truth. Mom, I'm not a kid anymore. I want the truth.”
While she may think she's no longer a kid, she still is. She just happens to be a smart one.
Maybe I can tell her the truth, after all.
“Which do you want first, the good news or the not so good information?” I ask.
If she's saying she can handle the truth, then it's time I trust that she can and tell it to her. I don't want to make the same mistake I made with Ian.
“Tell me the good news last,” she says, her voice coming out sure. Maybe she's not a kid, after all.
“Well, Olivia. The truth is your father is not as far away as I've always said. He is in New Jersey, but he doesn't know about you.” I pause, wanting to give her time to process the information shared so far.
“Why doesn't he know?”
Good question.
“I couldn't tell him I was pregnant because I was scared he was either going to make me get rid of you or force me to stay with him, and that would mean raising you with a man I couldn’t trust with your safety.”
“So, he's a bad man?”
“No honey, not exactly. But he has a reputation and many enemies, a lot of whom will do anything to harm him through you if they know you exist.”
There's a long silence from her end. I don't say anything, giving her time to process the information.
I can't say I understand exactly how she's feeling right now, but I have an idea. Growing up without knowing your father is hard. More than anything, I wish I could make Kyle meet her. But it's too dangerous a risk to take. I told her the truth, but not entirely.
Kyle is a menace. And before his enemies could even try to use her to harm him, he would have done a lot of harm to her on his own because of his way of life.
Would he love her?
I have no doubt about that.
But there are some types of love that one is better off without. His is that type of love. Besides, we have Ian now. He'll be a good father to her and our unborn child. I know he will. He just needs to wake up first.
Clearing my throat to subtly remind her of my presence, I wait for her to speak.
She takes another two minutes before she says anything.
“I don't know what to say, Mom.”
“Say that you're ready for the good news now,” I whisper.
She laughs, but it's a weak laugh. I more than anything want to make her laugh more, and I'm hoping this next news will do that.
“Okay, Mom. I'm ready for the good news.”
I smile and rub my lower belly before I speak again. “I'm pregnant.”
“What? Mom! How? Since when?”
I laugh at her many questions. Although, I can tell she's excited.
“Okay, easy with the questions. I can't tell you how I got pregnant. You're still young for that.”
“I'm not that young, Mom. I hear things,” she brags.
I shake my head. Children.
“Things you shouldn't be telling me if you want to continue hearing. You know that, right?”
“Fine. Tell me when,” she grumbles. It brings a smile to my face. I should talk more often with her about stuff like this. She's handling it really well. Maybe being open with her can fix our relationship since we don't exactly have the best one so far.
“It's still new. I'm only a few weeks along. Do you want to know who the father is?”
“I already know who the father is.”
This girl.
“Is that so?”
“Yeah. It's Ian. He's cool. I like him. Well, when he's not demanding to know who I am.”
Okay, she was right. She's not a kid anymore.
I laugh, and she joins in on the laughter. The door to the ward gets a quick knock before someone opens it. Mandy enters, spotting me immediately and motioning at the seat when she notices I'm on a call.
I nod at her.
“Mom, I'm sorry for being so difficult while you've only been protecting me. I feel terrible. You must have been so disappointed in me.”
“No, you should never feel terrible,” I refute. “Not when it comes to me. You're my first child Olivia. I can never be disappointed in you. I love you.”
“I love you too, Mom.”
“I know, sweetheart. And I'm so sorry, for everything. I promise I'll be more forthcoming with you going forward.”
“Okay.”
“Is your aunt there?”
“No. She gave me the phone and demanded I dial your number before she left the room.”
Sounds like something she would do.
“Well, in that case, tell her I'll call back later in the day. I have to go now. Be safe.”
“Alright, bye.”
“Bye, sweetie.”
I let her end the call before I take the phone away from my ear to meet Mandy’s gaze.
“Was that your little princess?”
I laugh at the word ‘little’. “She's not so little anymore, according to her.”
“Yeah, they all say that.”
“They do, don't they?”
We both grow silent. She looks at Ian, her expression growing somber.
“I hear our guy is doing great,” she says.
I don't say anything. I know she's just saying that to make me feel better when it's quite the opposite.
She goes silent when I don't say anything. She stands up, inspecting him before she comes back to me.
“You should take a stroll,” she says.
I start to shake my head in refusal.
“Just listen to me, okay? I'll be here. I won't leave him until you're back.”
“I appreciate the offer, Mandy, but I don't want to leave him alone.”
She scoffs. “Did you miss the part where I said I'll be here? I'm a doctor. I can handle him if anything happens, which nothing will. Just take a stroll, even if it's just for a few minutes. Here…” She digs her hand into her scrubs and brings out her card. “Get food for yourself for the first time in weeks. Please, don't say no.”
I purse my lips in frustration. I don't like that she's not giving me a choice here.
“Mandy.” I say her name in protest.
“Please, do it for me,” she begs.
“Fine.” I huff, and take the card from her. I start to reluctantly walk toward the door, but I stop when I'm almost near it. “Thank you.”
She smiles at me and waves me off.
I pause, remembering that there's one thing I still haven't thanked her for. For going along with my plan when Peter was trying to force me to do the surgery.
“Mandy, I…”
“You don't have to say anything, I'm always here for you.” She declares, cutting me off. I smile, my heart filled with gratitude despite the situation.
“Thank you, I love you.”
“I know, now go.”
I nod, smiling as I walk out the room.
The moment the door closes behind me, I look around in confusion, unsure of what to do with this time off she's giving me. I want to be with Ian, but I know her heart is in the right place. I'll just go to the cafeteria, get my food, and then return.
With that decision made, I start to walk toward the cafeteria.
As much as I don't want to admit it, I feel different by the time I get to the cafeteria. It's like some of the pressure has been reduced. I walk to the counter and start to get food. By the time I finish paying, I don't feel like taking the food to the ward.
So, I find a lone spot, take a seat, and then text Mandy that I'll be eating in the cafeteria.
Her response is immediate.
Mandy: Take your time!
I smile and start to dig into my food. I finish within minutes, surprising myself.
I've not eaten this eagerly in a while. I get the urge to get a second portion, but I ignore it. I don't want to take too long.
Sitting for a few minutes so my food can digest, I start to leave when I can no longer stay without my worry getting the best of me.
I've just stepped out of the cafeteria when my phone starts to ring, and I see the call is from Mandy. My step falters, and my heart starts to beat fast.
I force myself to pick up the call, despite my fear.
“Mandy?”
“Sarah, he's awake. Get your ass here.”