Chapter 17
Within a Name
Do I tell Dr. Maxwell my husband is a Sub?
The question rattles in my mind as I sit across from him after going through a very long update since we last spoke. I’ve cried two times and we’ve just hit the one-hour mark.
It’s Monday, right after our weekend off.
Thank goodness Leo made sure no one interrupted us, because after that play session I was practically a pile of goo for the whole day after.
Even after Leo and I talked about what happened, I’m still confused about why I asked for him to eat me out.
Leo didn’t seem concerned at all but asked if I wanted to move that activity off my hard limits.
I didn’t. That’s just the thing that boggles me.
Leo thinks I was just willing to do anything to please him, and that’s where my mind went.
I’d felt safe enough to do something that otherwise I’d never do.
One thing was for sure, it certainly cemented my trust with him given he called the safe word for my well-being.
“Autumn?” Dr. Maxwell asks.
I shake away those thoughts, coming back to the present. “Sorry.”
“Alright to continue?”
“Yeah, but what were you saying again?”
“To not refer to your past self as Sarah,” he answers, putting his mug of tea down.
I clear my throat. The subject itself may be why my thoughts went back to this weekend, deflecting current thoughts. A gentle knowing appears on his face as I scrunch my brows, trying to understand what he’s getting at.
“That’s supposed to help me how?”
“Sarah and you are the same person, always have been,” he starts.
“You’ve brought up feeling split at times when approaching decisions and emotions to explain what you’re doing.
You’ve created a divide between two parts of you.
You were forced to leave a life behind, told to pretend you had died.
Four years ago, this perhaps helped process your trauma, compartmentalizing out of survival.
It was helpful…but now I think new measures should be considered. ”
I’m quiet as I stare down at my hands.
“When you talk about your past, before Blue Java,” he continues steadily. “What perspective do you use?”
I clear my throat, and admit, “Usually, Sarah’s.”
He watches me solemnly, not adding anything more. I inhale deeply, searching my brain for answers, which feels like it should be an easy answer. He said perspective, not who exactly.
“When I talk about my past, I rarely say it like that. I usually say Sarah’s, separating her…I mean mine…shit.”
“You’ve taught yourself to separate the past and present in a manner that gives them two identities,” he explains.
“Giving it a name, you’ve removed yourself from your own narrative.
It separates you from the trauma you’ve endured.
I think you’re coming to a point where it’s no longer helping you.
It’s causing more uncertainty of what you want. ”
He pauses, leaning back into his seat.
“I’d like for you to refer to your past as your past, Autumn,” he says. “To say the name you have now to help reconnect to who you were, in order to accept who you are now.”
“I’m…I’m afraid of forgetting though. Forgetting Sarah.”
“They can’t take her from you.” My eyes move up to meet his, warm and compassionate. “You are not relinquishing her to them. They do not own her, as they do not own you.”
My hands wring each other, pulling at my fingers as worry flicks up my spine. Is that why? That out of everything taken from me, she was all I had left? All I had to protect from being ripped from me.
“You’re still her. She’s still you,” he continues. “You’ve always been Sarah, reshaped into a new person to thrive. Every part of her is you.”
“What if I don’t want that?” My mind flicks to the meeting, feeling that anger that was all consuming. The gun going off in my hand. “Those pieces of…me.”
“We all have parts of ourselves we don’t like. For you, there was a name attached. Sarah became this entity you could attribute to blame for past decisions.”
“Except, no matter what those decisions were all me.”
He nods. “Much like a young boy who decided to ride a bicycle without hands and fell, breaking his arm. Or decided to get drunk before finals.”
He smiles over his mug, sipping from it as I stare at him.
“Not always the well to do, therapist, huh?” I ask.
“No,” he chuckles, putting his tea down.
“We’ve all made decisions we’re not happy with.
Outcomes we’ve despised. None of this is to minimize what you’ve endured, but assure you you’re not alone.
Its life. Confronting one’s past is not easy, especially when we can admit the moments we were wrong.
Fully being yourself now, does not mean you’ll lose Sarah… you’re gaining yourself as a whole.”
My leg starts to bounce, and I attempt to stop it, but it doesn’t.
“Let’s try something,” he suggests. “Mention several things in your past, except say that Autumn did or achieved it.”
Hands shaking next, I take a long breath and focus on what he asks.
“Autumn went to college for computer forensics,” I start off simple, meeting his gaze.
He nods for me to continue. “Autumn was in an abusive relationship. Autumn and Leanne became friends over a love of marshmallows and margaritas. Autumn worked undercover. Autumn…Autumn…” I close my eyes, suddenly the words almost too heavy as I sharply exhale, “…shot the man who tried to assault me. Autumn graduated with honors, and accepted into a Masters program. I was homeless. I—”
I stare down at the coffee table, realizing the change.
“Keep going, you’re doing well,” Dr. Maxwell says in an encouraging tone.
“I left home at seventeen,” I continue, and as I do relief starts to trickle through me.
Pressures I hadn’t realized were still there disappear as that crack I created becomes mended.
Acceptance. “I worked at the YMCA, and really, really sucked in English class. I started watching Nick Cage films in my teens, and they were my only comfort growing up and while…undercover. I got my first computer after working at a pizza shop for the summer. I grew up in Ohio. I had a family. My father’s name was Richard.
My sister Bridgette. And my mother’s is… is…Charlotte.”
The name is heavy on my tongue. For so long, I’ve not thought of them. The family I lost and was disowned by. Perhaps they never thought about me again. Yet, there’s a weight I’ve not felt for so long.
My mind drifts, and Dr. Maxwell doesn’t stop me as I continue talking.
“It was graduation day, the last time I saw them. They left that same night. My father told me he wouldn’t help with my loans, and to not expect a warm welcome when I failed living in the city.
” I huff, a sharp empty laugh leaving me.
“I couldn’t be surprised that they didn’t show for the funeral.
My funeral. I only cried because Leanne was.
Sarah didn’t just endure that, but I did. They buried a ghost.”
Silence comes as my leg stops bouncing and my hands go still. Dr. Maxwell waits.
“I never forgot,” I whisper. “Deep down, I accepted that pain long before I left for college. It wasn’t just going undercover, the assault, and losing the career I could’ve had, but I wanted to separate from…them, too.”
“We cannot choose who we’re born connected to,” he says slowly. “But that does not dictate who we are. And some day, if you truly needed to forget some of that pain, then that is fine. Let this time be on your terms.”
I nod, huffing again as I pull my legs up underneath me to sit. “Guess I never truly got time to understand what they put me through, too.”
“Did Charlotte’s betrayal strike deeper because of that connection in name?”
“It’d finally be a classic diagnosis, huh?” I snort. Both of us smirk. “No, I don’t think so. Mainly betrayal. Although, just in case, maybe that’s a discussion for another time.”
“This is the first time you’ve brought them up fully. Your family.”
“Yeah,” I sigh, rubbing my head a little. “Maybe hearing so much about Leo’s is uncovering what I’ve buried with mine.”
“Or just the idea of family, which they do come in all different variations.” I nod in response, grabbing my mug of tea and realize it’s cold. Wonderful. “Just remember you have family and friends now who’ll support and love you. All of you.”
“I will, although I may just lock away what I lost again.”
“If it no longer serves you, then it may be for the best,” he says, putting his hands on the arms of the chair. “We’ll pause here for today. I’d like you to continue seeing yourself as a whole: past, present, and future. Otherwise, I think you’ve handled things well of late.”
I laugh nervously, sputtering. “Sure about that?”
“Given the circumstances, yes. Would I use the same criteria with a patient who works solely in accounting? No.” We share a laugh as he stands, and I join him. “I’ve learned a thing or two since working for mobsters.” I snort chuckle. “Advice changes upon circumstances and relations.”
“You kinda sound like my best friend,” I say, following him to the door. “Although her analogy consisted of kindergartener teachers not being the same as high school teachers. Different tactics in teaching.”
He pauses, raising a brow. “Hmm, that’s good. I may use that in the future.”
I open the door, revealing Isaac and Chesty sitting in the hallway. “I’ll let her know she gave you inspiration.”
He pats my shoulder, then leans in close to say, “Be proud how far you’ve come, Autumn. Even if situations are abnormal. Not many can say they’ve outwitted even one crime boss.”
I smile as he gives his goodbyes, then strides down the hall with Chesty. They chuckle over something as they disappear into the lobby.
“How was the session?” Isaac asks.
The one with the vibrators and blindfold or the one confronting family trauma? Don’t ask him that.
“Good, but more things to work on. Surprise.” Much better.