Chapter 20 #2
“I was raised in the Catholic Church before my mother died. I had believed at one point, but it’s been some time since I’ve thought of God’s existence,” he answers solemnly.
“How my life has twisted and turned, I find it hard to believe in the God that they…” he gestures toward the parishioners within the chapels, “…believe in. I cannot say I regard Him or the Saints as they do, for that I’m likely already damned to hell. ”
My mind flashes to his back tattoo. Those harrowing images so starkly inked upon his skin.
“Do you believe you’re damned?”
“In the eyes of those here, I certainly am.” Leo sighs, keeping his voice low as we walk down the far-left aisle of the nave.
“I’ve committed crimes against God; broken the Commandants over and over again.
If I confessed to a priest, perhaps my soul wouldn’t be damned, except I doubt I’d ever be able to bring myself to walk into a confessional booth.
My existence is perhaps the definition of damnation. ”
“That’s not a yes or no.”
He stops to look down at me with furrowed brows. Leo flicks his eyes over me, scowling as his jaw clenches. My heart sinks as sorrow lingers in his eyes.
“I’m not sure,” he finally answers. “I do not wish to confess any of my sins, for I do not feel remorse for most of them. I’ve accepted what I am, Autumn, and what I’ve done. What that means towards eternity, I don’t know.”
I want to tell him he’s not damned. Deep down, he’s a good man with a heart that’s been locked up due to pain. To tell him his soul was kind and gentle, even if the world didn’t want him to be. All of that must’ve counted towards something.
“Have you ever believed?” He asks suddenly, gesturing towards a chapel across from us.
“Grew up in a Christian household, but…not really,” I answer, staring at the dark browns and golds of the chapel while candlelight flickers, illuminating the dark.
“I think there’s a higher power to thank, otherwise I’ve no real idea how I got here some days.
How I survived. Fate. Maybe God. Maybe another deity that’s out there.
Or maybe angels or…” I pause, and look at Leo, “…demons.”
His gaze meets mine, face softening.
“Since I left home,” I say, gesturing up to the ceiling and paintings.
“I never wanted to live my life out of fear from…this. That doing anything wrong meant I’d suffer forever.
Life already sucked. I just wanted to be kind and loving because I wanted to, not because my parents told me I had to in the justification of God.
Nice perk, but not enough for me. That and the world just seemed to need more empathy. ”
I let out a sharp exhale, grabbing his hand and rub my thumb over his wedding ring.
“And if I’m damned for the things I’ve done, the good I tried to do is rejected, and not seen for trying to do the right things for most of my life…” I shrug, and look up at him, “…fuck believing in a God who’d forsake me like that.”
My voice is soft, almost feeling blasphemous for saying such a thing within a place that’s dedicated to a god I don’t believe in.
Leo’s scowl disappears and those furrowed lines are nowhere to be seen. He cups my face gently. “Damned or not, as long as I have you for eternity I’d willingly burn in the fires of hell.”
The ache comes back, tightening around my heart as I reach up and press his hand against my cheek. I attempt to smile faintly. “Well, I don’t plan on going there, so I guess you’ll have to follow me somewhere else.”
“Yes, I shall, my dear Watson.”
I kiss his palm, bringing it down as we begin to walk out of the Basilica.
My legs feel shaky. A few times before we’ve mentioned religion, but not to the extent of full beliefs.
It’s never been a priority for either of us.
I wonder if it is something we should discuss more, given that it does seem to matter to him more than me.
At the moment, I decide to let it go, that there’s a reason we haven’t spoken of it much in the past. The subject itself was likely brought on from frequenting places of worship the last few days.
We walk back into the sunlight towards the square.
Leo leads the way through the meandering crowds, approaching the obelisk in the middle.
Suddenly, there’s a prick at the back of my neck.
My spine becomes rigid, and I stop in my tracks.
Quickly, I scan the crowd. Rudy is not too far, winding through tourists.
While seeing him, the anxiety doesn’t relent, screaming at me.
“It’s just Ringer,” Leo reassures. He stands calmly next to me, waiting as I look over at the column structures that border the square.
My heart thunders as I continue searching for what’s wrong. I’m not sure anything is. Maybe I’m just having an Angels & Demons moment. The warning tick doesn’t disappear as I look to the other side, finding no one suspicious.
The last few days I’ve been in this daydream around Rome, forgetting how we came to be here, and who we’re hiding from. Reality slams into me, reminding me that this isn’t completely a honeymoon. My stomach drops when in the distance, I see a figure far away.
My heart hammers in my chest. Mind screaming.
“Autumn?”
The crowd moves and the figure disappears. Am I seeing things?
“Autumn, what’s—"
“Who hired those men?” I ask abruptly, turning towards Leo.
His face becomes a mask of seriousness, brows pulling together as he tenses. I flick my gaze towards Rudy, who’s begun to approach our spot. Almost too slowly, like a predator observing his surroundings, Leo looks towards Rudy. Our bodyguard stops, adjusting his shirt and moves away.
Finally, his gaze meets mine again, sharp and aware. He’s not telling me something.
“Who, Leo?”
“Did you see someone in the crowd?” His brows furrow deeper, scowling harsher.
My hands want to shake, and I concentrate on keeping them still.
The wiggling thought of not even being safe here in Italy tugs at me.
And then I realize every place Leo has taken me were very public places.
Even though we’re supposed to be in Boston, he hasn’t attempted to hide us from being seen.
It’s harder to attack in public spaces. The daydream I’ve been in shatters.
I swallow hard, unsure if who I saw was real.
“No, just anxiety. There’s a lot of people.”
Leo glances around us, sighing as the rigidness in him lessens.
Finally, he answers, “Gabriel hired them. Julio and Isaac are tracking the money transfer he sent, and they caught the only one who survived. He’s dead now, but they haven’t found anything yet.
” Leo quickly cups my face to come in close.
“It was a hit on me, not you. We’re safe here. ”
Are we? I want to ask. To scream. I want to believe him.
Instead, I nod slowly before Leo kisses my forehead. His hand grazes down my side, settling at the small of my back as he leads us out of the square.
I don’t have the heart to tell him that who I thought I saw was Gabriel.