Chapter 43 Purgatorio #5
Finally, he gets up and goes to the shelves. He doesn’t take long finding a movie, putting it in as he goes back to his post next to her. He reaches over, taking her hand to caress his finger over her wedding band. Gently, Leo lays his head down next to her as The Princess Bride plays.
Twenty
The penthouse door opens and closes.
Leo watches The Muppet Movie, ignoring the murmuring that’s become constant white noise. Jameson talking to Alba. Trix talking to someone. The Crew that stops by. All of them muttering about him. About Autumn. About the state of things.
Her fluids had to be adjusted. Something about her glucose levels.
Leo glances over at Autumn.
Each day the gnawing worsens. Slowly, a part of him gives up. To tell them to let her go. He’d just follow her wherever she went.
He relinquishes himself to the numbness.
The loneliness. The helplessness that threatens to drown him.
The only reason he doesn’t give in is her.
A hope of her smiling again. Her eyes meeting his once more.
His only solace within her silent presence as he continues to play movie after movie.
He sits and watches them with her, eating when Alba tells him to, and then goes back to helping take care of her. Yet, it’s not enough.
Nothing matters. His hotels could burn to the ground, he wouldn’t know or care.
There’s another voice. Deeper. Someone comes around the door, stopping as their hands go into their pockets to look at the television screen. Dr. Maxwell then looks over at Leo.
“Mind if I drop in?” Leo responds with a confused frown. “I wanted to come say hello.” He gestures to the chair on the other side of Autumn.
Reluctantly, Leo nods his head.
The doctor walks over, settling into the seat and then smiles faintly at the shelves of movies.
“She told me about her collection, but it’s a sight to see. Must have taken her days to organize it all,” he comments.
Leo continues rubbing his hand over Autumn’s, trying to pay attention to Kermit and Fozzie Bear. The movie plays as the two of them sit. It’s Leo who finally breaks the silence between them.
“Have you come here in hopes of getting me to talk?”
“Getting you to? No. Only if and when you’re ready,” he answers calmly, and looks over at Autumn briefly with a soft look. “And I’m sure I’m not the person you want to talk to. I quite miss our discussions. She’s come a long way, mainly to be there for you.”
Leo frowns, chest starting to ache as he looks over at her. Melancholy flooding him.
“And perhaps knowing she’s such a good listener, if I sit right here….” Dr. Maxwell sighs, settling back into his chair, “…maybe ask Alba for some tea, you’ll tell her what’s going on. What you’re feeling.”
Leo inhales a shaky breath, going back to watching the movie.
He constantly looks over at Autumn, while Dr. Maxwell watches the Muppets.
Leo doesn’t speak even as it ends, putting in another movie.
He’s still silent when Alba does bring Dr. Maxwell tea.
It’s over an hour into Clue playing, his emotions twisting inside him, that he finally clears his throat.
He refuses to look at the doctor as he starts speaking.
“I’m scared I’m killing you,” he rasps. “But I’m more scared of harming you. Breaking your trust.”
Words filled with fear, guilt, and loneliness pour out of him.
But finally…Leo talks.
Twenty-Three
Leo places paperwork on the kitchen island, alongside a few other folders Jameson brought over. Doing the bare minimum to keep things from completely crumbling.
Alba is upstairs cleaning and doing some laundry, while Nancy is visiting with Autumn. The now too familiar panic of not seeing Autumn starts to rise. He walks over to the television room as Nancy pats Autumn’s hand, standing up.
“Leaving?” Leo asks.
She nods, still refusing to speak to him. The one who’s been arranging for people to come visit Autumn was mostly Trix and Alba. Leo ignores her cold attitude as always, moving to the shelves to pick out a movie. Nancy stops at the door.
“I should’ve never let you in that day.” Her voice slices through him.
Leo goes still, keeping his gaze on the row of 90s action films. “I should’ve listened to her, turned you away.
Whether I’d fallen in debt or not it would’ve been better than this.
You’ve been nothing but trouble for her and dragged her into a life that…
” she gasps, inhaling quickly, “…would kill her. She didn’t do that. You did.”
Leo glimpses at his wedding ring.
“You still have nothing to say? No apologies? Just your stubbornness and selfishness that will have her rot and die on this bed?”
Every word cuts deeper and deeper. Words that shouldn’t matter, but re-enforce themselves with his own guilt and self-hatred.
“Are you admitting it was for selfish reasons then?” Leo asks roughly. “To have me pay off your debt, not for what she wanted…but to solve your own problems?”
“How dare you!” She exclaims under her breath.
He turns towards her slightly, finding Nancy’s angry face.
“Given your reasoning, you’re just as much to blame. Except I arrived to be with her, while you used her for my money.”
Nancy gapes, face paling and then going red.
He didn’t care how angry she was, knowing she’ll likely never approve of him.
Her tune had changed the moment he paid off that building, and he noticed.
Not fully caring before, until now, wondering if that was her plan from the beginning.
Pay off her debt, then have Autumn leave him, knowing he’d never harm her because of Autumn.
Suddenly, she’s in front of him, slapping his face. It’s hard enough to snap his head to the side. It stings, almost welcome with the torment that consistently follows him. He stares at the movies as she seethes.
“You did this to her. You brought this horrid fate—”
“Nancy.” Alba’s voice interjects. “It’s time for you to go. Senor Luciano is tired. The nurses will be checking Autumn’s fluids soon. Por favor. Another time.”
There’s some scuffling and muttering as Nancy leaves at Alba’s request. He doesn’t move.
The sting dissipating as voices return in his head.
They scream and yell. Call him names. The chasm that is their insults are vast, thrashing against his ears as they once did so long ago. Before this mess. Before Autumn.
Alone.
He reaches for one of the movies, but it clatters to the floor.
His hands suddenly too stiff as he clenches his fist. Suddenly, he’s not here, but holding a door open.
Autumn trying to push it close. Her kitchen.
The ice cream flying and landing on the counter as she looks so exasperated.
He might’ve loved her already. Perhaps that’s why he desperately wanted her forgiveness.
And then he held her. The warmth of her body.
Someone touches him, and he flinches. He turns towards Alba as she looks at him somberly. She gently touches his cheek where Nancy hit him, pursing her lips as she bends down to grab the fallen movie.
“Voy a hacer café.” Her voice is tender, giving him the DVD case. She pats his arm softly, walking away.
He glances over at Autumn and slides back into that numbing loneliness again. He puts in the movie he dropped, flexing his hands as he goes to sit in his usual spot. Leo takes Autumn’s hand.
The Fifth Element starts playing.
Twenty-Five
Water drips over his skin. Leo dries himself after his shower, pulling on lounge pants.
There’s a soft knock at the bathroom door.
He opens it, and there’s Alba. Leo walks over to the counter where his bandages are, sitting on the stool they’ve kept in here.
As they do every night, Alba takes care of his wounds.
All the stitches were finally out, but his forearms and wrists still needed a lot of attention.
Alba rewraps them gently as he focuses on not flinching away.
His body recoils, still not comfortable with anyone touching him.
Finally, Alba, looks over his head injuries. The bruises slowly fading.
Once finished, she gently pats his shoulder. “Dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes. The nurses should be finishing up with Autumn soon.”
He nods as she walks out.
Leo pulls on a shirt carefully, briefly glancing at himself in the fogged mirror.
He’s lost weight from lack of eating and movement.
Alba and Trix had him start walking around the penthouse for some semblance of exercise.
He notices the dark eye circles that seem permanent, skin pale from lack of sun, mottled, aging bruises in random spots.
His lip was healing, not swollen, but the cut was still visible.
His beard unkempt from inconsistent shaves.
His hand swipes down over the glass, walking out. Noise comes from the kitchen as the smell of beef and vegetables fill the air. Leo pauses at the bedroom entrance, gaze moving to the door of the playroom.
Silently, he approaches the door. He stares at the doorknob, bringing his hand up, but stops.
A deep ache, yearning for relief forms. It drags him as he can practically see himself at the bottom of the well, looking up at the faint light that’s too far and doesn’t feel real.
Hand trembling, he presses it against the surface, scraping his fingers down as his head hangs.
The misery worsens, constricting around him as every breath is a struggle.
He leans forward, forehead touching the door as the pain of shoving his hand against the wood starts to form.
Leo closes his eyes. Unable to open the door since they arrived home. Unable to look at it. An emptiness that shouldn’t be there while she still breathes. Yet, every day he felt haunted.
“Only you can remind me that I can be gentle and loving…”
Tears gather in his eyes.
“You help me feel safer, and you deserve it, too.”
For over a month, he hasn’t felt it. The paranoia he once constantly had, trickles back more each day without her.
Alone.
“La comida está lista, mijo. Vamos!”
Leo drags himself out of his thoughts. He steps away from the door, hand falling back to his side. He’ll burn the room to ash if she never wakes up.
Twenty-Seven
It’s raining.
The hour is late, everyone else asleep or gone from the dark penthouse.
Leo remains the only one awake, sitting next to Autumn as The Swan Princess plays.
Weariness hovers, wanting to sleep as his exhaustion deepens.
Except, even with the movies playing he can’t shake the voices in his head.
The nightmares that follow. Horrifying images and then the terror of waking up, and the monitors silent.
Scenes of heartache come across the screen as Derek yells for Odette. Fights the beast for her. And then holds her, begging for forgiveness.
Leo stares ahead as tears fall easily from his eyes.
They worsen as Odette awakens, hugging Derek.
Through his blurry vision, he looks over at Autumn, finding nothing changed.
Sorrow, painful and unending grips him as he stumbles out of his chair.
He’s on the verge of collapse as he gets to the doorway, clutching it for support as the tears fall.
Heavy sobs wrecking his chest as his knees give out, struggling for air.
He lands hard upon the floor, shaking him, but not enough to distract from the isolating torment.
No matter how long he sat with her. No matter saying his fears out loud to her with Dr. Maxwell. No matter the wishing at doorways. No matter who blamed him, accused him of selfishness. No matter the physical pain.
Autumn still wasn’t here.
She’s out of reach like in the interrogation room. A glass wall where all he could do is watch. Except this time, he was the one spiraling. The one feeling the threads untethering. Fists hitting that glass wall, begging to break through.
“Red!”
He clutches his face, breaking down in want of one simple thing—his wife.
For her to hold him. To talk to him. To sit with him in the dark. To cry alongside him. To come around the corner in socks. To burn eggs. To make an Americano. To nervously giggle. To kiss him. To smile.
“Dear Watson…” he rasps between sobs, pleading for her as the suffering threatens to drag him fully under, “…Autumn.”
Helplessness overwhelms him. He’s alone. He’s alone. He’s—
The beep of the monitor changes. The slow beat, picking up speed.
Like a hand reaching down into the well, Leo looks up through tear filled eyes. He waits, listening. The beeping fluctuates again.
His head snaps over his shoulder looking back at the monitor, watching her heartbeat change. Leo stumbles towards her bed, rasping, “Autumn.”
His hand grabs hers once more, watching the monitor, hope flicking like a faint flame.
“Autumn.” He squeezes her hand. “My dear Watson.”
A finger from her other hand twitches.
Leo’s eyes widen, unsure of what he was seeing. Until that finger twitches again.
“Autumn.” Leo repeats her name, pressing his forehead against hers. His tears falling upon her face. “Wake up, sweetheart. Come back to me, Tesoro.”
Autumn squeezes his hand.