50. Cage Madness
Cage Madness
It was a relief to finally ride again. Not cleared to do so on my own, but I’ll never complain being Leo’s backpack.
My favorite season has come bringing changing leaves, sometimes a breeze, and more reason to have coffee. Today the weather is especially nice as we rode through the hills of New York. The first time in a long time for me; my first ride since Italy.
It was sweet music hearing the rumbling of the engines, laying my head against Leo’s back as the club rode to Snake Eyes’ bar. We rode one of his newer bikes, a classic dark green roadster with a comfy backseat. A smile was on my face the entire time.
We made it to the bar, taking our time through the winding curves and hills.
The big biker greeted us outside when he heard the engines, grinning large as he shook his head at the club.
His face fell only a little when my cane was pulled out attached to Leo’s bike, my crutches were left at the estate.
He relaxed when he saw me smile, both of us waiting a moment before Leo nodded his head for us to hug.
About an hour here, I asked Ikemba for a dance.
He seemed unsure, until I assured him I could do a slow dance or two, long as I could lean on him.
Isaac was right about the dance lessons; they’ve been good for Leo and me every week. The only downside was us not quite finding the right instructor yet. We’ve bounced to three different ones already, hopefully the current sticks.
It’s later in the afternoon when it feels like something crawls up my neck.
I shiver, glancing over at the others near the bar or playing pool.
We’re all clad in jeans, boots, and club vests.
The shiver comes back again, and I grab my cane and head for the door with a gesture to Animal that I’m going outside.
He nods as I step into the warm afternoon air.
I walk down the row of bikes that belong to another club, and then get to the Forgotten Demons’. Calmness reaches me, making me realize that even in a bar that I’m comfortable in, is still too busy. Some days, I just felt myself waiting for bombs to go off. To be grabbed. Gunshots to go off.
My hand grips my cane, the pulsing pain helping ground myself briefly. I call the cane Rhonda, so when I need it, I just say, “help me, Rhonda.” Chesty and Animal thought that it was hilarious, meanwhile I received confusion from Isaac and Jameson.
I approach Leo’s bike, stopping to brush my fingers over the handlebars. The past month or so I’ve been able to help a little on the destroyed bikes with the others. There’s hope for them to run again, but I guess like me they’re gonna need more time. Nor will run the same.
I bemoan inside myself at the weird analogy, sighing as I run my fingers over the headlight.
“Already missing it?”
I yelp, jolting as I spin and bump into the bike. I start falling, but Leo swiftly grabs me before I can as Rhonda clatters to the ground. Gasping, I clutch his leather vest as he holds me against him.
“You alright?” he asks.
“Apart from almost knocking out a row of motorcycles? Peachy.” I press a hand to my thundering chest as Leo bends down to grab my cane, handing it over before stepping back.
“Why’d you leave the bar?”
“Crowds,” I say, giving a partial sad smile. “Even here they make me antsy. Today’s a nice day to admire motorcycles anyhow.”
Leo looks over the motorcycles. “You’ll ride one on your own again.”
“Being your backpack is good enough for now.” I give him a brighter smile.
His hands go into his pockets, brows pinching together as he watches me.
There’s a slight frown on his face as I can practically see the thoughts in his head swirling.
The past couple of days he’s been quieter than usual after his latest session with Dr. Maxwell.
A day later he proposed the group ride. Knowing there’s something on his mind, I shift on my feet to adjust my weight.
I then glance past him to the bar’s entrance, finding only a long row of bikes.
“What is it, baby?” I ask gently.
A faint smile tugs at his lips, almost sad.
Finally, he reaches for my free hand. He leads me to the side of his motorcycle, getting on. Leo then helps me swing my leg over to sit on the seat with him, facing him as I straddle his lap. He leans my cane against the side, placing his hands on my hips to keep me balanced.
A strike of desire ripples over me, feeling him against me, but I ignore it.
We’re coming up just over six months without sex or anything within that regard.
Not since London. I’m ready to try, but not him.
Those unspoken ghosts followed too closely.
I’ve spoken a few times to Dr. Maxwell about it, mostly on what to do.
He said patience and reminded me our relationship was never built on sex in the first place; our desires have grown along with us, and to take each day at a time. Much like I had for myself.
My eyes flit to his covered wrists and forearms. He’s wearing a long-sleeved shirt made for riding. Underneath, I knew he wore sleeves that would keep those scars covered. My quiet thoughts are broken when he finally speaks.
“I held a gun in my mouth the night before I met you.”
Surprise he finally told me squeezes my chest, but I focus on keeping my expression calm.
He exhales a sharp breath, meeting my gaze as he runs his hands over my thighs.
“I’d felt like a failure,” he admits, speaking low.
“No matter what I did, I kept coming back to the same place. I was becoming someone I despised. Hated it all. And the people I did care about, I felt like I’d taken away their lives and hopes.
It was just always about the mafia, business, Renato, Ga—…
” he clears his throat, “…the moments I felt alive was riding with the club, but it was too far in between. I was hollow.”
His hands stop at the top of my hips.
“I changed the Will for everything we built to be given to the Crew. Let them leave or stay, decide what they wanted. The rest…Luciano name, Marchetti would be given to Renato and Matteo. Since it’s all they cared about, complained about, or wanted.
” Leo pauses, bringing a hand up to stroke my cheek. “Then I met you.”
Solemn eyes meet mine as my heart pounds.
“Jameson found me,” he says. “He didn’t say a damn word, just took the gun and alcohol, told me to sleep it off.
I planned to finish the job the next night, do it while I knew he was in a meeting.
But…I couldn’t get your face out of my head.
How easy you smiled while covered in coffee and foam.
A small piece of me just wanted to see you again.
One more time. Just one more time before I. ..”
His hand drops, staring down to the pavement.
Gently, I take his hands, holding them close.
I ask quietly the question I’ve wondered since Jameson told me, “In Rome…you admitted you weren’t planning to take me back to the hotel to fuck me, but just wanted to see me again. What were you planning for that night?”
“Have an Americano, then blow my brains out.” My throat tightens, trying not to cry on something from well over a year ago.
He didn’t do it. He’s still here. I hold on to that as his breath catches a little.
“But I talked to you…and then I couldn’t get the sound of you saying my name out of my head.
When I came back you were gone, and I couldn’t do it until I knew you were okay. ”
“And then I appeared through a window, waving at you with a mop,” I whisper.
“Most beautiful sight I’d seen in days.” Hazel eyes meet mine, guilt lining them along with old pain.
“You asked me those first dates, why you and honestly, Autumn, I have no fucking idea. All I knew is that I wanted to smile. I hadn’t in so long.
Every moment I felt less of a failure. I just didn’t want to die anymore, not if you were around.
And I apologize for not telling you sooner. ”
“Thank you for telling me,” I say softly.
“But don’t apologize. For having low moments, having those thoughts, or not telling me.
Whether you told me right after, weeks later, months, or longer than now…
you’re still here and that’s what matters.
” Tears blur in those hurting eyes. “I love you unconditionally, every piece of you. You’re not a failure. You’re not broken.”
I bring my hands up, cradling his face as I caress my thumbs over his skin. He gives me a weak smile, and I give him one, too. I say the words that I understood in needing to hear, to make it this far after almost not being here at all.
“You have always been more than enough, Leo. I am so proud of you, and so grateful that you took that chance of living again. You are the very best thing to have ever happened to me, because of you I learned how to live again, too. My patient, strong, loving husband.”
His chin quivers, and that small movement makes my heart crack.
I tug him to me, cradling his head against my shoulder as he wraps his arms around me.
He buries his face against my neck, holding me tight as I feel his chest shake as he inhales short breaths.
Leo’s hand strokes along my back, and I hug him tighter.
“I love you,” he murmurs.
“I love you.” I kiss his head.
We stay there until I feel a numbness along the bottom of my spine and into my hips. I shift a little, and Leo pulls me up closer onto his lap. I squeeze my legs around him. We pull apart enough to smile at the other as he strokes my cheek, and then my hair back.
“Is that what’s been on your mind the past few days? Telling me?” I ask.
He nods. “Dr. Maxwell said if I was tearing myself up about it, that I should. And…” he clears his throat, letting out a soft exhale, “…to suggest doing a couple of sessions together.”
I raise my brows. He’s never brought it up with me.