Chapter 13 #2
“If you want to go, then go. I will not blame you. In fact, I might applaud it. I only want you to be happy, Isolde. And if my suspicions are true, I know that happiness will not be found with me.”
He saw the fight within her. The way her eyes searched him. The fear behind them, and the questions that she asked herself. He was right, he now knew. About everything. And while it would hurt to see her go, he would take some semblance of happiness in knowing he had done the right thing.
“You are not that man…” Slowly, she lifted her hand and rested it on the side of his face so he had to look at her. “Cassian, I do not know why you are saying these things—”
“They are the truth.”
“They are not,” she said firmly. “Think back to these last few days. Think about who you really are. If you were the man that you believe, could you have acted this way? Would you be so kind and gentle and caring? And would I…” Her chin wobbled.
“Would I still be here? You did not force me to be with you, and you certainly have not forced me to stay.”
“But you do want to leave?”
“I… I…” Her expression was unreadable. “I want to stay, Cassian. I want to stay because of the man you are, not because of the man who you think you might become.” She laughed softly and shook her head, still holding his face.
“And if you do get your memories back, I know that is the man who you will still be.”
He believed her. Cassian took her hand and held it to his face. He met her eyes. He looked through them, into her heart and her soul, and he knew that she told him the truth.
Was he wrong this whole time? Or had he just changed so much that even Isolde could not remember who he used to be? And did it even matter?
“Prove it,” he said softly.
“Wh… how?”
“We are engaged, Isolde, but we have not yet spoken about when we will marry. Let us change that right now. If you do love me, if you believe these things, then say you will marry me.”
“I…” Her brow furrowed as if she might deny him, but then it softened, and she smiled. “Of course I will marry you.”
“Next week,” he said. “If my memories return, whatever they are, I want to know that you will be in my life always. Marry me next week, Isolde. Please, I need you to say yes.”
Another pause. This one was far too long. Again, as Cassian looked into her eyes, he saw an array of passing emotions. Trepidation. Fear. But through it all, as those emotions passed, what she held in her stare was as undeniable as the sand at their feet and the waves in the ocean. It was love.
“Yes,” she said. “Next week. I will marry you.”
And just like that, the weight that had been sitting on Cassian’s shoulders all morning lifted so that he could finally breathe. He laughed with joy, and he pulled Isolde into his arms so that he could hold her in a way that suggested he might never let go.
She loved him. And she loved him because of who he was. Even if he had been someone else once, Cassian was certain those days were behind him. This is the man he was now, this was why Isolde loved him so, and he would not change that.
Memories or no, nothing will change how I feel about her.
As Isolde and Cassian rode back toward the estate, Isolde did her best to smile. She had to. She needed to make it seem as if this was the best day of her life so that Cassian would not question her.
Inside, however, she was screaming.
What have I done?
Cassian had given her a way out. He had looked her in the eyes and told her that if she wanted to, she could leave. No questions asked. No anger or scorn. In fact, he had begged her to go.
Isolde could not say why she had decided to stay.
Oh sure, she was able to tell herself any number of reasons, some of which even made sense.
She was doing this for her father and siblings, so their parish might be saved.
If she left now, all of this would have been for nothing.
She did not want to raise questions, or have Mr. Pemberton come after her.
She did not want to upset Cassian more than he already was…
Excuses, she knew. That’s what they were.
Perhaps there was a grain of truth to them, of that she had no doubt.
But when Cassian looked her in the eyes and asked who he was, she saw in his gaze not the man who she had once hated, but the man who she now knew.
What was more, she wanted that to be the man who Cassian became… who he truly was, memories or no.
I am doing this for Cassian… not myself…
Was that a lie? She had no idea. And now that they were set to marry next week, the lies and the truths became mixed and inseparable. She was in this now, there was no escape, and it was all her fault.
And yet… when she glanced at Cassian and she saw the smile on his face, her heart skipped a beat. This Cassian was kind, he was loving, and he truly did care for her. She wanted the best for him, just as she wanted to help.
What was more… even though she dared not admit it… she was starting to realize that she wanted more than that. She could have left him, but she chose not to, and the reason for that was so obvious that Isolde could only keep lying to herself for so much longer.
Lies that, she knew, were bound to come out soon.