Chapter 15
Fifteen
Isolde could not say how long she stood outside Cassian’s office, staring at the closed door as if it were made of fire and she was working up the courage to walk through it. Seconds? Minutes? Hours? It made little difference.
She knew what she needed to do and now it was just a matter of doing it.
For the length of time that she stared at that door, she tried her best to think of what she would say and how she would say it.
She tried to come up with excuses that might somehow soften the blow that was sure to be struck.
But the more she thought about it, the more she ran through every possible outcome, the more she came to realize the harsh and inescapable truth.
There is no way to fix this. There is no way to make it bearable. At most, I might make it so that Cassian does not suffer… but even that feels hopeful to a point of absurdity.
All Isolde could do was brace herself for the worst and then bear the consequences that she had brought. And always, most importantly, pray that Cassian came out the other side in one piece.
“Cassian…” She knocked gently on the door and pried it open. “Might we speak?”
“Isolde!” His voice was warm like a fire in the depths of winter; such was his love for her that she couldn’t remember a time they had spoken when he was not filled with unflappable happiness just to be around her. “Of course, I was just thinking about you.”
He wore a smile as he stood from behind his desk, and it grew as he hurried toward her.
“Oh, you—you were?” she stammered, unable to move.
“Always,” he laughed, taking her hand and pulling her into the room. “It occurred to me just now that I still have not properly spoken to your father.” He led her to the desk where he sat on its end and positioned her to face him. “This is something we must rectify before the ceremony.”
“That is not…” She could hardly breathe. “There is no need…”
“Nonsense,” he said. “How about tomorrow? We can ride out together. Make a day of it.” His smile was so honest and sincere that she could not look at him.
“Cassian, there is something I need to tell you.” She spoke into her chest, looking away as if that might make it better somehow.
“Oh? Isolde, is something the matter?”
It wasn’t just that this was going to hurt Cassian. Although that was a large part of why Isolde struggled the way she did, she knew that it was only some of the reason.
The truth was that Isolde had started to see Cassian in ways that she did not want to but could no longer ignore.
He was a good man. He was loving and gentle and kind.
He was far too good a person for what was about to happen.
Worst of all, despite everything, Isolde knew in her heart that when this was done and when she was forced to return home, that she would miss him…
“So many things,” she said with a sigh that was felt in her heart. “Before I tell you, there are some things I need to say. Please, allow me to say them. Let me…” She took a deep breath and forced herself to meet his eyes. “Let me get through this.”
“Isolde…” He chuckled nervously. “You are worrying me.”
“You are a good man, Cassian,” she began.
“I see that now. I know that you fear who you once were, but I need you to know that does not matter. These past two weeks have been some of the best in my life, and that has everything to do with you. You are this person, and whatever your past might be, it does not matter.”
“All right…” More nervous laughter.
“I only wish I could say the same for myself,” Isolde continued as her chest constricted and her stomach turned.
“I want you to know that I do care for you. I see you for who you are, and that is the man whom I have come to know, as I have come to realize that I was wrong about anything I might have thought about you before.”
“What does that—”
“But anything I say is an excuse,” she spoke over him.
“And I am sick of making excuses, just as I am sick of lying. These lies…” Her chin wobbled furiously.
“Were they done for the right reasons? Does it even matter anymore? The simple fact is that I made them, and in so doing, I have hurt a man who does not deserve it.”
“Isolde, I do not know where this is going…” He made sure to keep a hold of her hand. “But whatever you have done, there is no need to be so forlorn. Whatever it is, we can figure it out together.”
“No, we can’t.” She looked away again. “Cassian, I… I…” She sniffed back the tears. “I cannot marry you.”
He laughed as if hoping that she had made a joke.
“I want to. Truly, if it were possible, I would. But I cannot. And that is because I am not who you believe me to be.” She looked up again, she saw the confusion on his face, and her eyes welled with tears that she did not try to hold back.
“I am not of noble descent. You and I are not madly in love, nor have we ever been. The first time we met properly was after your accident and I have been lying to you every day since. Please…” The tears streamed down her cheeks. “… forgive me.”
Cassian did not laugh that time.
He saw the look on her face; the tears, the red-stained eyes. He heard the crack in her voice, so he must have known that she was being as serious as she had ever been. Most of all, he must have heard her words, even if he did not understand them.
“Isolde, what are you… I do not…” He looked over her shoulder. “Is this a joke? What are you saying?”
“I have lied to you, Cassian,” she said.
That time, she was the one who clung desperately to his hand.
“I am merely the daughter of a vicar, one of your tenants. We were never engaged. We had only met once before, and I doubt that, even if you had your memories, you would remember it. Everything I have said…” She sniffed and looked away.
“I used you. I am sorry, I hate myself for it, but that is the truth.”
He did not speak right away.
Isolde still could not look at him, but she felt his eyes, just as she felt the way he looked through her. The smile was gone. The adoration was no more. A chill swept through the room and slowly, surely, he let go of her hand.
Strangely, that hurt most of all.
“Why?” he said, his voice cold. “Why did you…” He took a rattled breath. “Make me understand.”
“I do not want to make excuses,” she said. “And anything I say will only sound as if I am.”
“Tell me,” he said with a hint of command. “Now.”
Isolde’s heart thumped against her ribcage. She shuddered from the cold that crept across her body. She dared a glance at Cassian, saw the distant look in his eyes, and looked away. She could only imagine what was going through his mind… nothing good, and less than I deserve.
“It started two years ago.” She took a deep breath.
“My father fell ill, such that all our savings went toward trying to keep him alive. At the same time, you raised the taxes on the estate beyond anything we could hope to pay. Our parish…” She sniffed and wiped her nose.
“It fell into disrepair, and I thought that maybe you would…” Her chin wobbled.
“That if I spoke to you myself, that you might agree to lowering our taxes or… or helping us in any way that you could.”
As Isolde spoke, she remembered the night in question.
It had been raining, which forced her to trudge, soaking wet, through Cassian’s manor. She left mud stains in her trail, which she did not notice, but Cassian did. She was brought to his office, and her physical state, as well as those stains, were the first thing upon which he remarked.
He had with him several other dukes. All drunk.
Cigar smoke hanging thick in the air. She fell to her knees before him and begged for assistance.
She told him of her father’s ailing health, beseeching him to be reasonable and forgiving.
She did not ask for pity. All she asked for was a slither of common decency.
Cassian’s response? He laughed. Even now, she still heard that cruel laughter rattle through her head.
He told her to get up, to stop making a mockery of his home, and then he ordered her to leave.
She had hesitated, not able to believe that one could be so cruel. That was when he had her dragged away…
Of course, she did not tell Cassian those details.
“You refused me,” she said simply. “You asked me to leave and never come back. And every day since then, my family, our parish, has struggled to make ends meet.”
“Why are you…” His voice cracked, but he hardened it. “Why are you telling me this?”
“You were brought to my home after your accident,” she continued, still unable to look at him.
“And when you woke, unable to remember who you were, I thought… I thought…” She took a deep breath, and she looked up to meet his eyes.
She was ashamed. She was riddled with guilt.
But she needed him to know that her intentions were pure.
“I thought that I might be able to use the situation to convince you to help. That is all I did. I hoped that if you thought of me as someone you cared for, you might help my family.”
“Use the situation?” His upper lip curled. “Use me, you mean?”
“No!” she cried, but caught her tongue because it was the truth. “I… I did not think. All I wanted was to help my family. I never meant to hurt you.”
“Is that what you think you have done?” His voice was cold. “That you have hurt me?”
“I don’t…”
“So, you lied,” he said with a sneer. “You saw a man broken, and you thought to take advantage. You told me that we were engaged, and then you went along with the ruse.”
She said nothing.
“And everything since then? Has anything you have told me been true?”
“Yes…” Her voice was a whisper. “I… you and I… I am so sorry, Cassian. You have no idea how sorry I am.”
He let those final words sit between them. He did not move. He did not look away. But while he sat close to Isolde, who stood only a foot away, the distance between them had never felt greater.
Isolde’s heart crashed in her chest. She saw Cassian; she recognized his face, but she did not know him. Not anymore. And from the way he looked at her, she knew that he felt the same about her.
“I need you to leave,” he said.
“I will,” she said quickly. “I will pack my things and—”
“No,” he cut her off. “You will not leave the estate. Not until I dismiss you myself.”
“I…” She frowned as she searched him. “What… what do you…”
“I need to think, Isolde. Please, go to your room, do nothing, and say nothing. And yes, before you ask, that is an order.” He looked right at her, his stare cold and commanding. No love. No warmth. A look that reminded her of the same man she had first met two years ago.
“I am so sorry…” Slowly, she turned. “I will not ask for forgiveness. All I will ask is for you to know that I never wanted to hurt you, because, despite what I might have thought, you do not deserve it. You never did.” With that, she put down her head and hurried from the room.
The moment she was free from the office, Isolde collapsed against the wall. Her breathing was heavy. Her entire body struggled to function in any discernible way. Tears fell down her face. Soft whimpers escaped her lips.
She hated that she had hurt Cassian. She hated that she had lied to him. But most of all, she hated that he saw her now as a stranger, one he could not trust, and one he would likely never want to see or speak to again.