Chapter 21 #2
As she did, she looked over at Cassian constantly, and she could not help but smile to herself. It was so obvious that he wasn’t enjoying himself, and how she wanted to go over and pull him away so they could laugh about it.
I miss him, that is what I am starting to realize. Before all this happened, he was fun and funny and that single week we had together…
Supper came shortly after, and as was expected, her place was beside Cassian. When they reached the table, he pulled out her chair so that she could sit…
“Thank you,” she said to him.
“I…” He caught his words, as if he was about to say something he did not wish. “Of course,” he finished and looked away.
They sat side by side, hands on their laps, acting as if all was normal. The conversation that followed was rather benign, mostly just Mr. Brooks bragging about various successes he had. Clearly, he was trying to impress Cassian.
“He certainly thinks a lot of himself,” Isolde whispered out of the corner of his mouth.
Cassian had not been paying attention, and when he registered her comment, he smirked, only to straighten his lips. “He is vastly successful, Isolde. He ought to be proud.”
“There is a difference between being proud and bragging. He walks that line rather well.”
Again, Cassian looked as if he might smirk with amusement, but he kept his lips straight and looked ahead.
Isolde ate mostly in silence, and this time she was sure to use the appropriate cutlery. However, when she did, she caught Cassian watching her, and she grinned at him to show that she knew what was on his mind.
“I learn quickly,” she said.
“Good,” he said. “You…” He considered his words, his brow furrowing. “You are doing very well.”
“I’m doing it for you, Cassian. I hope you know that.”
He did not answer her, but she was certain he heard her words, just as he understood them.
Isolde could see the fight raging within him. He wanted to talk to her; she was certain of it. He wanted to put what had happened behind them. But he was proud, and he was stubborn, and she had hurt him so badly that he refused to give her the chance to do so again.
Give it time. Surely, one day soon, he will know that he can trust me and that he does not have to hate me for the rest of our lives.
The supper progressed typically after that. It was long. It was boring. But Isolde knew Cassian hated it too. The old him was still there, and all Isolde had to do was wait until he was willing to let it out.
“Oh, I do wish you could stay for a drink,” Mr. Brooks bemoaned once the supper was over and Cassian had announced their departure. “The night is still young.”
“I am afraid we must be getting back,” Cassian said. “But thank you again, Mr. Brooks. I assure you that you will be hearing from me.”
He took Isolde by the arm, linking his through her own. She stayed right by his side, and for the first time all evening, it did not feel awkward or forced. She smiled for the small group, said her goodbyes, and they left the residence together.
“Well, that wasn’t so bad,” she said once they were out of earshot.
He scoffed. “It was as boring as it was long.”
She laughed. “I was just trying to be positive.”
“Please, don’t,” Cassian said to her, his voice suddenly turned sad.
“Don’t what? Be positive?”
“No…” They reached the carriage, and he unlinked his arm as he turned to look at her. “Whatever you are doing, Isolde, please… just, don’t.”
“I do not—”
“I know you think that if you pretend that nothing happened, that I might… that you and I…” He shook his head. “I married you because I had no choice, not because I wanted to. And tonight, it was the same. Do not pretend or hope that it means anything else.”
“Cassian…” She wanted to reach out, to take his hand, to make him see how sorry she was. “I cannot take back what I did, nor am I trying to pretend otherwise. I just wish… how things used to be… I only want to make things better between us.”
“They won’t be better.” He did not sound angry, and that was something to be grateful for.
But the crack in his voice, how he could not look at her, spoke to how sad he was, and that was much worse.
“Nor can they ever be. I appreciate that you are trying, Isolde, and I will do my best to not hold anything against you. But please…” He looked at her, the sadness clear in his eyes.
“Stop acting as if a joke or a smile will make me forget what you did. I do not want to forget. Just as…” His brow furrowed. “Just as I do not want to forgive you.”
Isolde winced and looked away.
She had known that it would take time. She had known it would take work. But she had not allowed herself to believe that he might never forgive her, or that he would never want to.
But where did that leave her? Could she and Cassian be friends?
Would that be enough? Isolde had not loved Cassian as he claimed that he’d loved her, but it felt now as if she had.
The pain in her heart, the way it broke and bled, maybe that’s what love was?
And maybe it was only just now that she was willing to admit it.
“Come…” He climbed into the carriage. “Let us go home.”
Isolde said nothing as she followed him into the carriage. And she said nothing as they rode home. She had tried so hard. She had held out hope. She had latched onto those small moments as if they meant something.
It was all for nought. Cassian would never forgive her, and Isolde would spend the rest of her life wondering at what might have been… what she had lost… and what she would never have.