Chapter 27
Twenty-Seven
Cassian stood in the doorway of the drawing room, back just a little, hidden by the night’s dark shadows so that he wouldn’t be seen.
Standing there as he was, the view given to him was one that made him feel things that he did not wish to feel, while at the same time, he had finally started to concede that maybe such feelings were not so bad.
Isolde sat alone in the drawing room.
She was by the fire, her legs curled under her, the warm light of the flames making her glow orange; she shone, a beacon that he could not look away from, nor did he want to. She had a book in her hands, and the smile on her face was soft, honest, and happy.
For so long, Cassian had wanted to hate Isolde for what she had done. He had tried to. He had forced such feelings as if his life depended on it. But the harder he pushed, the more his conscience fought against him.
To put it simply, Cassian knew that he could not hate her. What was more, he did not want to.
The hate he felt was for himself. The memories that surged in his mind were of who he had been before the accident, and who he had tried to be since he learned of Isolde’s lies. That was a man to hate, and so Cassian did not hold back.
Worse too, he believed it was for the best. Knowing little of his past, Cassian conceded that his true nature was not who people now saw but who he had once been. And to protect himself, he had forced that image onto those he knew and loved, refusing to consider that the goodness in him was real.
He knew the truth of it now. He knew why he had acted as a monster for so long. He knew why he pushed people away. And he knew why he was so afraid of a past that he did not remember, but one that he allowed to shape him, nonetheless.
Fear was what drove him. Better to be hated and miserable, than loved and alone. Or so he had thought…
Isolde thought differently. She saw him for who he could be, and she refused to give up. Yes, his past was painful, but was ignoring that pain worth the cost? Was it worth being hated and alone just so that he might escape his past and refuse the pain it brought?
What do I want? To be loved… to be hated… to feel nothing?
Cassian had tried so hard to return to who he once was, convinced it had to be for the best. But something had changed inside of him, a dull flame thought dead, slowly flickering to life.
Today, when he met Isolde’s brother and sister, he witnessed first-hand what it meant to have those in your life who cared for you.
It felt good to be accepted like that. It felt good to forget about the past and focus on the present. To care… to love and be loved… the dull flame inside of Cassian flickered gently, and for once he did not try to smother it.
Yes, he was scared. Yes, he thought it would be easier to walk away and stick with what he had been doing. But as he looked at Isolde, as he watched that smile on her face, and as he thought about her words and the very real fact that she believed in him, he knew that he had to at least try.
And maybe, if he was lucky, he could be the man that she saw in him.
It sounds so easy… so right. I only wish that it were.
“Isolde…” Cassian stepped into the drawing room.
She looked up, saw him coming, and the smile that grew on her lips told him that his decision was the right one. She truly did believe in him, just as she wanted him to believe in himself.
“Cassian.” She closed her book. “What are you doing?” Her eyes narrowed, and she chuckled. “You weren’t spying on me, were you?”
“There is something I wish to show you,” he said. “If you have a few minutes?”
“Oh.” She considered. “Might I ask what it is?”
“You might,” he said, allowing the faintest smile. “But that would ruin the surprise.”
She narrowed her eyes again as if she might argue, but he knew that she would do no such thing.
The last time that they had spoken alone, he had all but told her that he might send her away to spare her having to see him turn back into the man he had once been.
So, that he was coming to her with a so-called surprise, was surely enough to suggest that he had changed his mind.
“Lead the way.” She stood up and walked toward him.
The urge to take her hand came over Cassian, and he had to fight to resist it.
“This way.” He turned and strode from the room, and he smiled as he listened to her footsteps following him.
They walked in silence through the residence. Cassian’s inner turmoil battered at him, warning him against this. The fear was there still, the doubt in who he could become. But with Isolde so near, and so willing to trust him, he ignored it.
He led her to the third level of the residence, through one of the spare bedrooms, and onto a balcony that had the best view in the entire manor. It looked across the estate, toward the flat horizon, meeting the sky as the two became one.
“Cassian…” She hesitated at the doorway. “What are you?”
“Here…” He indicated for her to step outside. “The view is far better outside.”
“The view?” She frowned as she stepped onto the balcony. “That is what you wanted to show me?”
“Well, that…” He turned and swept his hand upwards, leading her gaze to the full moon which sat flush in the sky. It was a full, blaring white, as large as Cassian had ever seen it. “… and this.”
Her mouth dropped open when she saw the moon.
“Cassian…” She edged to the railing, her hands resting on it as she looked upwards. He stayed behind her, watching as she gaped at the raw beauty of the tranquil night. “It is…”
“I thought you might like it,” he said softly. “A full moon, possibly the most vivid I have seen. It felt wrong to be hidden away, not knowing of it. To miss it would be…” He chuckled. “It would be a crime.”
She said nothing as she looked at the moon.
Cassian watched her, noting the way her eyes lit up, the way her mouth hung open, and how her skin glistened in the moonlight. She was so beautiful, so perfect, much like that moon, and Cassian could not believe that he had tried to drive her away.
Yes, this is the right decision… something I need to at least try and do.
Cassian’s old memories had slowly returned to him, not all of them, but enough that he understood why he had grown into a man so full of hate and sorrow. To detach oneself from emotion completely was to hide from those memories—an easy escape, but a cowardly one at that.
Still, there was a part of him that wanted to do that again. He thought of Julian and his death… pain in his chest so that he winced… how easy it would be not to care.
But as he watched Isolde, as he saw her unbridled happiness, how effortlessly she accessed her emotions, he knew that he wanted that for himself. He wanted to feel again and to not be afraid of doing so.
“I enjoyed meeting your brother and sister today,” he said.
She turned and smirked knowingly. “Oh, did you? I was afraid that…” She laughed and shook her head. “Thomas can be a little eager.”
“No,” he said to her. “It was refreshing. It was nice to be reminded of what a family ought to look like. They both love you dearly. As you clearly love them.”
“With all my heart,” she said.
“I wanted to let you know that they may visit any time. And the next time that they do, there is no need to hide them. I do not care if people find out about them, or you, for that matter.”
“Cassian…” She blinked. “It is not so hard to do. If people were to learn the truth—”
“Let them,” he cut her off. “I saw how happy your brother and sister make you, and I will not deny you that simple happiness. Please, Isolde, let me do this for you.”
She studied him curiously. She looked at him as if seeing through his words. He did not shy away. He did not avert his gaze. He wanted her to see that he was willing to try. A small step this might be, but it was one taken in the right direction.
“Thank you,” she said. “I will let them know.”
They said nothing for a moment. Isolde, her back against the railings.
Cassian, standing just three feet in front of her.
The full moon shone upon them. The silence of night was deafening, but not the type that carried weight.
Rather, it allowed them both to acknowledge the moment and one another, no distractions, just truth.
Yes… Cassian wanted to be better. Or rather, he wanted to be who Isolde saw him as. No more running. No more hiding. His memories might have hurt; they might have been horrid things, but they were worth the pain if they brought love…
As that thought settled, a new one found its way into Cassian’s mind.
He still cared deeply for Isolde. He still loved her, as he had always done. And now that he was willing to admit that love to himself, he wondered if… was the timing right… should he…
His eyes flicked to her lips. His heart skipped a beat. Her eyebrows raised a little, her chest puffed out, hope passing behind her eyes. All Cassian would have to do was reach for her hand, pull her towards him, and kiss her as he had wanted to do since he first woke up all those weeks ago.
As she wants me to… I know that she does.
The only thing that stopped Cassian was the dull realization that he wasn’t quite ready yet. To kiss her would be to finalize his journey, and the time for that had not yet come.
“I am glad you liked the view,” he said, looking away. “And thank you, too, Isolde.”
“What for?”
“For today,” he said with a soft chuckle. “Somehow, I doubt that your brother and sister’s visit was just a coincidence.”
She grinned. “Are you accusing me of something sinister?”
“You? Always,” he said, to which she laughed.
Slow steps taken… the direction set… all that was left was for Cassian to make peace with his past so he could focus on the future. A day that he was sure would come when his memories returned fully. And for the first time in a long time, he looked forward to it.
For the first time, he wanted to know more.