Chapter 28 #2
Cassian turned and strode to the closed curtain.
He then threw it open, at which point his face dropped, and his body turned as cold as ice.
Dark clouds suffocated the sky as far as he could see.
Rain had already started to fall. And another clap of thunder, followed by the crack of lightning, told Cassian that things were bound to get far worse…
“Oh no…”
It was happening again. As Cassian watched the approaching storm, he felt within himself those same emotions that he had worked so hard to forget…
to block out as if they did not matter. Fear for someone he cared about.
Worry over the safety of those he needed to protect.
And self-loathing because he hadn’t done enough to save them.
It was his brother all over again. His mind flashed back to when he was a teenager, his father shouting at him, and the crashing sense of blame that he took and held onto because what had happened was his fault.
That was why it was easier to cut oneself off from the world. That was why it was easier to have no one to care about. It was a form of protection, an easy way to deal with pain, and a means by which Cassian would never have to care about anyone or anything again…
He stumbled back from the window. He looked away. He tried his best to divorce himself from the fear that consumed him. For a moment there, he almost considered forgetting about Isolde entirely…
No. Not this time. Not when I can still do something!
A fire then lit inside of him. A resolve took him fully.
He stood tall. He hardened himself. And he determined that so long as there was air left in his lungs, he would do whatever he could to protect Isolde.
He wanted to care for her, to love her, to be there when she needed him.
He wanted to be that man. And he would be.
“My horse!” Cassian turned and strode toward the doorway. “Have it readied at once.”
“Your Grace!” Mr. Pembroke swept past him.
Cassian paused at the door, his mind turning as he came up with a plan. First, he would find a cloak to wear, something to protect him from the storm. And then he would brave the storm, he would ride out to find Isolde, and he would ensure that no harm came to her.
Once that thought settled, it was not fear that Cassian felt. Rather, he felt… hope. Finally willing to accept that it was not such a bad thing to feel this way for another, he held onto that feeling so that it gave him life.
He was a new man, and it was time to prove it.
So it was that five minutes later, Cassian rode from the estate. The storm had come fully by then, beating down on him, warning him against such folly. But he ignored it as best he could, and he used thoughts of Isolde to warm him.
In fact, as he rode to her cottage, not once did he consider that the worst might happen. As far as Cassian was concerned, he would find her in time, and in so doing, he would prove to her that he had changed.
No, not changed. I have always been this person. It is only now that I accept it.
It took less than an hour to reach Isolde’s father’s cottage.
For the entire trip, Cassian scanned the road and the fields, just in case she had been thrown from her horse.
But he saw nothing, and when he reached the cottage and saw her horse tied out front, he released a deep sigh of relief, and the fire inside him roared.
Cassian pulled his horse up beside Isolde’s. He climbed down, and he tied it to the post. The rain lashed at him, but he ignored it, as it did not matter. Isolde was safe, and that was his only concern.
Only, when he went to walk inside, he paused.
From within, he heard soft voices speaking.
He listened at the door the best he could.
Laughter came next. Sounds of joy. Isolde was fine, and her father must have been too.
While Cassian wanted to be with her, he wanted her to be with her family, too.
Most of all, he did not want her to think that she had done something wrong.
So, he stayed outside in the storm. He waited patiently. And as he waited, he thought about what he would say when she finally came outside. Would she be surprised? Would she be angry? And how might Cassian show her that he cared without making it appear as if he did not trust her?
The longer he waited, the more he thought, and the more Cassian realized what he had to do. The only thing.
It was as the storm started to fade that the front door opened. Cassian stood tall, facing the door, wanting Isolde to see him as soon as she stepped outside. There was still rain. There was still wind. And Cassian must have looked a fright. But once again, that simply did not matter.
Isolde stepped gingerly outside, closed the door, turned, and started in surprise. “Cassian? What are you…”
“Mr. Pembroke told me what happened,” he said as he took a careful step toward her. “Riding out in the storm…” A shake of the head. “I was worried about you, Isolde.”
“I am sorry,” she said. “I knew it was dangerous, but I—”
“Don’t apologize.” He continued towards her. “Don’t ever apologize for caring. Your father was sick and you rushed to be by his side. It is exactly what I would expect from you.”
“You are not angry?” She looked skeptical.
“As I said, I was worried.” He reached her. “But never angry. How could I be angry when you did the only thing that you could? The very thing that makes you who you are.”
“Worried?” She rolled the word over her tongue. “And scared, perhaps?”
“I was.”
“How did that make you feel?” she asked as she licked her lips. “I know that you would rather not feel such things. Better to not care than to feel any sense of fear, right?”
He laughed softly. “Once, I might have agreed with you.”
“And now…” Hope filled her eyes as she searched him.
“Now…” Cassian stood right in front of Isolde.
He let her see the worry that was so clear.
He let her see the fear that had filled him.
But he also let her see his relief, how happy he was that she was well and had not been hurt.
He let her see that he was willing to take it all, no longer hiding and running, but fully exposed.
“Now, there is just one thing I can think of to do, but I would be lying if I said it did not bring me some trepidation. Fear…” He smiled. “But the type I should embrace.”
“What do you mean?”
“I spent so long avoiding the bad, Isolde. I spent an eternity pretending that it did not exist because I thought that would make me happy. But what you have taught me is that the bad is necessary because it makes those good moments so… One cannot love if they care for nothing but themselves.”
“And do you care?” Her eyes flicked to his lips. A crack of thunder somewhere in the distance. Rain drenched her hair, pouring down her face. But she had never looked more beautiful. “Do you want to love? Even if it means you might sometimes feel pain and sadness? Will you take that risk?”
“I have taken that risk,” he said as he reached out and took her hands.
She did not resist. “I lived it today, when I learned what you had done. And because I came after you, I see now why people choose to live this way.” He made sure to smile, ensuring it reached his eyes as he trapped her in them.
“I want it all, Isolde. The pain. The sorrow and the suffering. And…” He glanced at her lips. “And the love that comes after.”
She said nothing. There was no need. Her response was a glance at his lips, a squeezing of his hands, and the slightest movement of her head as she leaned forward…
Unlike last evening, Cassian did not second guess himself.
He wanted this. He wanted the pain, he wanted the misery, just as he wanted the good that came from it.
He wanted to care for others, so that they might care for him too.
He wanted to open his heart and accept his feelings, because the woman who had his heart fully had already done the same for him.
So, as the rain fell about them, as thunder split the sky, Cassian pulled his wife forward and planted a kiss on her lips that had been so long coming, and all the better for it.
That kiss said all that needed to be said.
It swept through their bodies, entwined them, bound them together as no vow or confessions of love could.
It wasn’t just passion, and it wasn’t just desire.
It was love. It was everything that Cassian had been missing from his life, and now that he had it, he wondered why he had been so afraid.
So much time lost… but so much time to make up for it. And as they kissed in the rain, Cassian made himself a promise. He would never be alone again.