14. Chapter Fourteen
I wipe the crumbs off the countertop and make sure the kitchen is clean and tidy as Jacob ties off the trash bags.
“I’ll take these out and grab our bags from upstairs,” he says, before kissing my cheek and disappearing up the stairs to our bedroom.
Our bedroom. The phrase rings with a bittersweet note.
I nod and smile, caught in the juxtaposition of loving the four days we’ve spent in each other’s arms and the reality that after the four-hour drive back to the campus, it will all be over and we’ll have to pretend once again.
We shouldn’t have to hide.
But we will.
Wrongness slices through me, but there’s nothing that will change about our situation. I can’t leave the university. I only have one more year. Jacob would never ask that of me, and I would never ask Jacob to leave his position. Although I don’t understand why someone so obviously brilliant is teaching. He likes his students and is dedicated to his job, but I can’t help but feel there’s so much more he could do. He’s not a dusty old man who has had his career and is content to downsize. He’s multi-layered, multi-textured and blinds me with a brilliance of color every single moment I’m around him. And even when I’m not.
My cell rings and I answer with a pang of guilt. I’ve ignored Adeline and she’ll probably be wondering where I’ve been.
“Hey, Addy. How are you?”
“Where have you been? I’ve left messages for you and you haven’t answered,” Adelaine’s jubilant voice sounds through my cell. I wince and quickly check my messages, seeing I’ve missed several of her calls.
“I’m so sorry! I’ve been busy,” I say.
“Busy studying? It’s a long weekend. You work too hard, Steph. You need to take some time off,” she says.
I lean against the counter. “To be honest, I haven’t exactly been…studying.”
“That can only mean one thing. You’ve met someone!” Adeline’s joy comes across the airwaves to slap me with her exuberance. I shouldn’t be hiding anything from her, but I can hardly tell her I’ve been having an affair with my professor.
“Something like that.”
There’s a slight pause. “What’s going on? Is he treating you right? Just say the word and David and I will come down and crack a few skulls.”
My laugh is easy. “No need for any blood-letting. It’s all good. I’d let you know if it wasn’t.”
“So, he is treating you right? It is a man?”
“It is a man and he does treat me right, but you know about romance. It’s never straight forward,” I say.
“As long as you promise you’re okay,” she says. “And you promise you’d tell me if you need me.”
“Or me.” I hear Dad’s voice in the background.
“Will the two of you calm down. It’s all good. He’s all good. I promise I will tell you more, but not right now,” I say.
“Ooooo. That means he’s there, doesn’t it?” Adeline says, too perceptive for her own good. I’m struck again by how she’s years beyond her physical age. I guess that’s how she keeps Dad on his toes.
Time for a change of subject. “So, what’s been happening? How’s the prep for your big day going?”
“Stressful but amazing,” Adeline says. She utters a happy sigh. That sigh. The one she produces when she’s truly happy. And considering how perfect my dad is for her, I totally understand why it’s real. “Something has been on my mind, though.”
“What’s that?” I ask.
“I’ve always wanted you to be a part of our wedding party,” she says.
“But Maddy is your bridesmaid.” It makes sense for Adeline to ask her best friend.
“She is, but then I thought, why not have two bridesmaids?” she says.
“But won’t that make Dad unbalanced if he has you, me and Maddy up there, but only Tristan as his groomsman?” For sure Dad will have asked Tristan, but if he’s asked anyone else, I’m not sure who that would be.
“I don’t care and neither does David. He and I are far from conventional. You know that.”
If I had no sense of true love, I’d envy what these two people have. But I have experienced Jacob now, and I understand it on a level I never did before.
And then, out of nowhere, a realization slams into me.
I want what Dad has found with Adeline for me too. I want that sort of forever. I’ve never known that feeling before. It’s never even occurred to me. But now, after this weekend, I have. And the more I think about it, the more something clicks into place.
Only one man has made me feel this way.
There’s so much I haven’t told Jacob.
“Steph, are you okay?” Adeline says.
I blink back into the moment. “Yes! Yes of course. I just…” I suck in a breath. Now is not the time to be talking about me. “Did you tell Maddy?”
“She came up with the idea! I want the both of you standing there with me making the biggest promise of my life.”
I love the excitement in her voice and I hate to be the one who might stifle it, but there’s no option. “Photographers?”
“David has organized his usual photographer. The wedding is closed to the public. We’ll take some photos that will be released, but you don’t have to be in them. You’ll be safe, Steph. I promise.” If anyone could understand my request for privacy, it would be her. They obviously spoke about it before she asked me. Dad has used the same family photographer for a decade and pays the guy to keep our photos private. Not one has leaked in the ten years he’s been our go-to guy.
“You’ve thought of everything,” I say.
“Please say yes. Pleeaassseeee? You’re one of the most important people in my life and I want you there,” Adeline says.
I laugh. “You couldn’t stop me now if you wanted to. I’m in.”
“She said yes!” I have to remove the cell from my ear when Adeline squeals in delight. I hear footsteps as she does a happy dance.
“Hey sweetie, I’m glad we found a way to include you.” Dad’s voice speaks in my ear and I’m overwhelmed with a wave of homesickness. I wish I was there in the kitchen, jumping around like an idiot with them.
I blink away sudden tears. “Me too.”
“Tell her the other news,” Adeline says in the background.
My mind goes to ten different places at once when she says that. “Am I going to have a brand-new brother or sister?”
Dad chuckles. Chuckles. Adeline really is good for him. “Nothing like that. We’re just bringing the wedding forward.”
“Oh, how forward?”
“Well, the Rainbow Room called us with a cancellation. We can have the ceremony in two weeks if we say yes. Are you free?” he says.
“Two weeks?” My mind stutters. “That’s…so soon.”
“The Rainbow Room will be booked for a year after that if we don’t take it,” David says. “I know it’s not the most convenient, but Adeline has her heart set on it, as well as you being there with us.”
“Two weeks it is, then,” I say. I won’t be the reason they have to wait a year. The Rainbow Room is a popular space and I know how competitive it is to get a date there. Even for someone like my dad.
“I’m glad, sweetheart. I’m looking forward to it. Just come a day early to get fitted for the dress. We’ll have everything else arranged for you,” Dad says. “I haven’t heard if you caught up with Daniel? I sent him there on your recommendation. I know it’s mid-term, but a donation paved the way to get him in. He’ll have a bit of catching up to do, but he seems happy enough to put the work in. It is for his career, after all. I hope he’s seen you to thank you, at the very least.”
Anndddd the feel-good vanishes as though it never existed.
I slump back against the counter edge and the barbed wire ball materializes in my gut. I almost choke on my words but I spit them out anyway. “Um, yeah. I’ve seen him and he did. Thanks for everything you’re doing for him, Dad.”
My face scrunches at the long pause. “You know you can tell me if anything is wrong. Doesn’t matter where I am, or who I’m with. You’re my daughter and always a priority.”
“Is something wrong?” I hear Adeline in the background.
I push down a hot wave that gushes up my throat and makes my vision watery. I fucking hate lying to them. But there’s no way I can tell Dad. No way he can ever see those photos of me. No way I want him to know about the years I’ve been lying to him about Daniel. “The two of you need to stop worrying. Nothing is wrong. I just stubbed my toe when I was dancing when you asked me to be bridesmaid and I didn’t want to tell you I’d hurt myself. Now off you go and do some wedding-y things. I’m sure you’re overwhelmed with the change of date. I’ll be back home two weeks Friday to see you both. Love you, bye!”
I hang up and spin around when Jacob speaks. “You’re going to be a bridesmaid?” Jacob walks into the kitchen, our bags in hand and places them on the floor. He grins apologetically. “I didn’t mean to be nosy but I couldn’t help but overhear.”
His snug shirt reveals well-defined muscles and relaxed fit jeans show off his lean thighs. I set my cell down on the counter top, step toward him and wrap my arms around his waist, needing the warmth only he can provide. “Yes, my father is getting married and his fiancée just asked me to be her bridesmaid.”
“That’s great news.” He beams down at me, but his smile falters when he sees whatever it is on my face. “Isn’t it?”
“Of course it is! It’s a surprise, that’s all. I call Dad’s fiancée a friend. They’ve just brought the timeline forward because of a venue cancellation.” I hope my smile is convincing when in reality I’m still caught up in Dad’s admission that he made a donation to the university on Daniel’s behalf. I only hope it ended up with the university, and not in Daniel’s bank account. I’m sure it would have been substantial.
“When is the wedding going to be?” he asks, picking up the bags.
“I’ll have to go back to New York in two weeks.” I follow him to the front door, taking one look at the happy interior to sear it into my mind as much as I can before I step over the threshold and pull the door shut behind me. “I promise I’ll be back on the following Monday after the wedding. It won’t stop me working on our dissertation.”
“It’s your father’s wedding. Take all the time you need. The dissertation isn’t going anywhere, so you won’t be letting me down if that’s what is going on in that brilliant head of yours.” Jacob loads our bags into his car and crosses back to me where he winds his arms around me. “I, on the other hand, will miss you like crazy.”
My heart somersaults in my chest, made buoyant by a happy, bubbly feeling I’m not quite used to. I shove down the urge to lock us back inside the house. “I like working on our dissertation. And do you really think I’m brilliant?”
His face smooths and he looks down at me with serious eyes. He traces the line of my jaw and tucks my hair behind my ear. “No thinking involved. I know you’re brilliant. You come alive when we’re working through everything, and to be honest, you’re ahead of me most of the time when it comes to the business we’re building. The thing is...”
My cheeks begin to heat with his compliment because I know he means every word, and I want to hear what else he has to say. “The thing is what?”
He hesitates. “I know you said you might go into your dad’s business after you graduate, but Steph. Your idea is so good, it can work.”
My brow draws tight as I frown. “What are you trying to say?”
“I think the business we’re developing in the dissertation is good enough to be successful. It’s a good solid idea. The market is open. You have the talent. The brain. The drive.”
I stare up at him, shocked and suddenly the world blooms. I’ve assumed that I would work at Blue Sky after my degree. Had thought that way for years, but what if I didn’t?
What if…what if Jacob could be at my side? He’s as excited by this business idea as I am. He underplays it but he’s come up with half the ideas too. It’s not all me.
He’s just as good with the dissertation as I am, and deserves half the credit. He’s selling himself short teaching people instead of doing what he’s so obviously talented at doing. Maybe this was what he’s been waiting for as well as me.
We could be together for far longer than the few more weeks until I get my degree.
“Then do it with me. Build the business with me.”
For one spectacular moment, Jacob’s eyes light and I see endless, exciting possibilities sparkle in their depths before they go flat and the warmth seeps from the air.
“I can’t do that. I can’t walk away from my tenure.” The words are gentle, but they cut deeper than I thought they could.
“Oh, that’s…yeah. Of course. I don’t know what I was thinking.” I step back and wrap my arms about my body. Warmth? Self-protection? Both?
“Steph, it’s not that I don’t want to, but I can’t do anything that will jeopardize my career. I’ve worked too hard for too long. I can’t let that be ruined.” He tries to soften his words with a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. Something rings false with his words, but I can’t pinpoint what it is.
“I understand.” Only, I don’t. I don’t understand at all, and the hollow feeling within me grows in the space where all those brilliant possibilities were. I want to find the source of the ache and push it back inside me because it’s not Jacob’s fault. I was being thoughtless and impulsive.
Building a business together—a life together—is a far cry from a long weekend.
Is that why I’m disappointed? Because I want a life with him? A lifetime? Something that, going by his reaction, will never be.
“Come on. I’d better get you back.”
I slide into the passenger seat of his car, close the door and pull my seatbelt across my chest. The strap digs into me, but the pressure is the only thing keeping me together.
Jacob starts the car and we pull out of the driveway. I don’t have it in me to look at the lake sparkling behind us, knowing I’ll probably never see it again. Jacob offers small talk, as though he can’t find anything big to talk about, and I take it, when all I want to do is tell him to forget anything I said so that he’ll drag me back into his arms and the world will be right again.