Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
Her mind fractured. Hot and cold flashes engulfed her. Stars appeared at the edges of her sight. Even after, as she rinsed out her mouth, she couldn't stop heaving. Only after she splashed water on her face did she notice that the blue tinge had completely disappeared from her lips and fingertips.
The realization that the colloidal silver hadn't worked after all, that her grandfather had used a spell on her to keep her from shifting, and Josiah experimented on her while she was unconscious...it was all too much.
Her will to fight for anything was diminished. What was there live for if she was nothing but this used up thing?
The knife bounced under her shirt as she straightened to look at herself in the mirror.
Josiah had found a way to break that spell, but she had managed to send her wolf shadow into a coma or hibernation or whatever.
It didn't matter. Drinking the poison had only delayed the inevitable.
Her wolf shadow would more than likely reappear when she least expected it, just as Kellen had told her and that made her dangerous.
Aim for the best, but prepare for the worst, her grandfather had told her every time she failed to foresee a problem.
He was preparing her in case something like this happened.
All the times they went hunting together, all of the martial arts classes, teaching her how to use a combat knife.
He had to have known that no matter how well he hid himself someone would find him.
What would he think of her now? She was still failing him.
When she came out, Kellen sat on the edge of the bed waiting for her.
He hurt for her. She could see it in his mournful expression.
His whole body slumped. But he didn't reach for her.
Clearly he was waiting to see what her next move would be, but she couldn't deal with his emotions right now.
His sympathy was nothing more than a jab, reminding her that he'd been right all along.
She hadn't killed her wolf shadow.
A brief shiver up her spine let loose a cascade of dizziness.
Before she could fall, she walked around Kellen and lay down on the opposite side of the bed facing away from him.
The sun's rays warmed her, and drowsiness replaced the dizziness, but she couldn't close her eyes.
In the dark, would she sense her wolf shadow even if it was dormant now that she knew?
The bed dipped as Kellen stretched out next to her. He spooned himself behind her, pulling her close so his body joined the sun's rays. She was too tired to pull away, even if she wanted. Right at that moment she didn't know what she wanted.
"What do I do?" she whispered. "I tried to kill a part of myself. If my wolf shadow reawakens, it's going to be so pissed at me."
"When your wolf shadow returns, all you have to do is live. Nothing more." He stroked her arm, his fingers barely touching her skin. "Just live and the wolf inside of you will learn to understand you, just as you'll learn to understand your wolf."
"It can't be that easy."
"I can only assume it's not. It'll be a long learning process."
She bit back the temptation to demand how long because it would only come out as petulance. It wasn't a question Kellen or anyone else could answer. It would take as long as it would take and that could be a very long time.
"I'm not sure I can do this."
Kellen continued to run his hand up and down her arm, giving her strength through his ability to remain calm through everything life tossed at him. Well, almost anything.
"Will you help?" She shouldn't have asked, because he paused his attention just long enough to reveal he had doubts.
He answered with an "Of course," but she knew it was, if not a lie, a stretch of the truth.
Sure, he'd help her because he was intrinsically kind, but he wouldn't love her if her wolf rejected his.
The whole hierarchical structure of wolf shifters and Kellen's slavish devotion to it set off her anger again.
She pushed his hand off her shoulder. "Let's get back out there.
Lying here feeling sorry for myself isn't going to help us. "
"Samara..." He reached for her again, but again she evaded his touch. She had to or she might start crying.
"I told you. I'll fight for you, but only if you'll fight for me. Your words, your voice tell me you're not sure you will, so you'll just have to wait until I make the decision to stay or leave. If I choose to stay, only then do we have a chance in hell of having any kind of relationship."
She launched herself off the bed and walked back into the living room before he could say anything further.
The others had continued to work while she had her little breakdown.
The coffee table had been moved away from the sleeper sofa.
On the floor a three-by-three square of spells covered the loop pile carpet.
On each spell sat a pile of receipts. Stephen was still writing down clues, while he and Leo discussed something about how to split up the receipts with materials that multiple spells required.
Par for the course, they continued to complete each other's sentences, responding to questions before they were asked.
Grace sat with her legs crossed, leaning back on her hands, watching them talk. She had the most bemused look on her face but said nothing as Samara resumed her place on the corner of the sleeper sofa. A minute later Kellen joined them.
"Are they always like this?" Grace jutted her chin at Stephen and Leo.
Kellen looked confused because of course he'd done the same when in conversation with his brothers. Perhaps he’d never realized just how odd their habit was.
"Yes," Samara said, because Kellen wouldn't. "All the time. It takes some getting used to."
"What?" Kellen asked with that oh-too-familiar head tilt. "I don't understand."
Samara found herself exchanging a side-eye with Grace. "We'll explain later."
The three brothers looked at each other, then shrugged, letting Samara and Grace keep their secret.
Her quiet amusement was cut short by a growl from her stomach. It was loud enough to bring attention back from the spells to her.
"I'm just going to get another bagel and coffee."
"Do you want us to get you something gentler?" Leo asked. "Saltines? Ginger ale?"
How could an omega wolf trained for war have such a sweet side? "No, I'm feeling better. Just had a bad moment."
"We understand," Stephen said softly.
Samara nodded and headed for the kitchen.
This time she decided to toast her bagel first. Waiting for the toaster, she could half listen to what the others were talking about.
Kellen's baritone rose and fell like music notes when he had something to say.
Emotions suck. Love sucks. While she smeared the cream cheese, she fell into a bathtub of self-pity.
The phone Kellen had given her sat on the counter, the charging light mocking her.
Before all of this had happened to her, she would have called someone about her problems. Her grandfather would have been at the top of the list. How could he do this to her?
Instead of arming her with the knowledge of what she truly was, he gave her a knife.
And a gun. And lessons about how to protect herself.
Her grandfather had kept her ignorant just as he had with her father.
He must have thought it was for the best, but she couldn’t understand why.
Not yet. All she could do was pray that there was a scrap of paper hidden somewhere that would explain why he’d done this to her and her family, but would it ever be enough to make up for the complete loss of her real self?
She poured herself a fresh cup of coffee, grabbed the plate with the bagel, and headed back. "What did I miss?"
Kellen had his head buried in another scrapbook reading.
Stephen looked up and caught her gaze. "From what you told Kellen, Josiah would knock you out every other day or so, and you would wake up wounded one way or another."
Just thinking about it made her stomach churn, but this time the bagel stayed where it was supposed to. "Yeah, pretty much."
"And the first time you woke up, you had bite marks all over you, correct?"
She nodded but shoved the bagel in her mouth to cover for the fact that she'd lost her voice again.
"Okay, so this one didn't work." Stephen picked up one of the spells with the receipts and set it aside. "What about puncture wounds in your veins?" Stephen asked.
"Like someone inserted an IV," Leo added.
Samara forced the bit of bagel she had in her mouth down her throat with a swig of hot coffee. "More than once."
Stephen leaned forward to remove more paper from the floor. "So, this one, this one, and this one didn't work either. What about blood? Did you have any bouts of coughing up blood?"
Where were they going with this? "Not blood. It didn't taste like iron, but it had a gritty feel to it and when I spat, the saliva was red. Why does any of this matter?"
"They're trying to figure out what spell Josiah used to break the spell your grandfather used to suppress your wolf shadow," Grace said, her eyes on the papers left on the floor after Stephen removed two more.
"One of the three left has to be the one because you weren't in the cage long enough for him to keep experimenting with spells and not screw up by having the effects overlap. "
“Grace, would you hand me the last three spells, please? I don't need the receipts." Kellen asked.
Grace gathered the papers and reached across Samara to hand them to him.
Expression neutral, Kellen examined the papers one by one. He checked the notebook he'd been reading, then returned to look at the spells again, shuffling the order.
"Stephen, is there a spell for forced immobilization and another for forced compliance?”
"Let me check." He ruffled through the spells he'd already removed from the floor. "Yes, both. Here you go."