9. Astrid
ASTRID
Miles: Declan is staying in the house with you?
Miles: And he’s planning to stay in Rebel???
Miles has been texting me since last night despite my text that said I’ll call you tomorrow. This situation is definitely a phone call discussion, not a text discussion.
I pull my phone out and dial his number as I’m walking from my house to Main Street after leaving Declan with Wilson.
I need to find Nora, but I definitely need to check in with my best friend. Who possibly has some intel from Iris by now.
Like what the hell is Declan really thinking?
“I cannot believe it took you this long to get back to me,” is how Miles answers the phone.
“I kissed him,” is how I answer that.
That succeeds in shutting my friend up for a moment, and I smirk.
After a long, stunned moment of silence, Miles gives a soft chuckle. “Okay, I knew it was going to happen, but I really thought it would take a little longer.”
“I did it to shut him up. But still…”
Miles definitely knows what a big deal it is that my mouth touched Declan’s.
“You had to shut Declan up?” Miles asks. He gives a bark of laughter. “I call bullshit. Sounds like a really good excuse to finally get a kiss.”
I frown. I really wish Miles wasn’t right about the fact that I’ve been wanting that kiss. “It wasn’t. It was…impulsive.”
“Okay,” Miles says, sounding like he doesn’t believe me at all. “But was it good?”
I knew he was going to ask me that. I also knew that when he asked me, I wasn’t going to be able to lie.
Miles knows me better than anyone. He literally knows everything about me.
All the stuff that no one else knows. Like that I have feelings for my husband.
And that I can’t do anything about them. And why.
“Of course it was good. Declan O’Grady does everything well.” I sigh. “He’s perfect, remember?”
“He’s not perfect, Astrid. You have to stop thinking that.”
The thing is, he is perfect. Everything he does turns out great. He doesn’t make mistakes. Everything from the clothes he wears to the business deals he makes are perfect.
Except of course, choosing a woman to marry.
But he doesn’t know that.
Yet.
“He also finds my house and my ducks interesting.” I frown. “Or he’s lying. I’m not sure which is more annoying.”
“So he is staying in the house?”
“That’s what he tells me. Until we go to Cara.” I pause. “He doesn’t want the annulment. He plans to tell Diarmuid no. And he wants me to say no too. He said he’s going to use this week to convince me to stay married.”
Miles doesn’t respond. I wonder if he already knew that.
He and Iris talk all the time. I assume Iris knows Declan’s plan.
I wonder if he’s shared all of his feelings about family and why he doesn’t want the annulment, though.
Does he have friends? People he can really talk to and open up to?
Be vulnerable with? I don’t know what I’d do without mine, and I hope he has that.
Then I remind myself that I want to not have any feelings for or about my soon-to-be-ex-husband.
“Well…that’s…great,” Miles finally says.
I hit the park and turn onto the winding path that leads along the stream. There are other people out walking now at this time of day, and I realize I’m going to have to be more careful what I say in case I’m overheard.
“Morning, Astrid,” Emily Andrews greets as I pass.
“Morning,” I return. Then I answer Miles. “How is that great?”
“You get to see what it’s like to actually spend time with your hot husband that you’re crazy about,” Miles says as if that’s obvious. “And you can’t run away.”
I frown. “I…” Okay, I totally ran away. I avoided him at all costs in Portland. I snuck out of our rooms in Cara, which I hadn’t realized Declan had realized. And I moved halfway across the country.
Miles chuckles. “If he’s going to try to convince you to stay married, he’s going to have to actually do something. This will be interesting. And could be fun.”
I can picture the grin on his face that goes with that tone of voice. I know what he means by ‘interesting’ and ‘fun’.
Avoiding Declan, leaving Declan, has been easy because he hasn’t put up a fight. At all. But if he did resist, if he had come after me, if he’d given any effort toward being a husband…I don’t know if I could have resisted.
And he would have realized that I’m not going to be able to be the wife he needs, and all of this could have been over a long time ago.
I swallow hard against the tightness in my throat.
Has there been a part of me that’s been putting off telling him the truth about my injury, chronic pain, and sexual dysfunction to prolong our marriage?
Maybe. Probably.
Is it because it’s one more failure I just didn’t want to face?
For sure.
Is it also because I wanted a chance to try physical therapy one more time in an effort to fix the issues that make sex painful and nearly impossible?
Yes.
But I don’t know if it’s worked because, obviously, I haven’t tried sex and… I’m scared.
Of the pain, sure, but more scared of disappointing Declan and having him demand the divorce that I’ve been lying to myself about wanting.
I sniff, fighting the tears stinging the backs of my eyes.
This annulment is perfect. It’s the king’s idea, it’s clean and neat, neither Declan nor I have to initiate it, and Declan never has to know that I’m broken.
“I am not—” I lower my voice as I smile at Maxine and Marv Compton and take a seat on the bench to my right. “I am not crazy about him. I am just crazy attracted to him.”
I know Miles doesn’t believe me for a second.
“And you’ve kissed him, and it was good. Doesn’t that make you curious about the rest?” Miles asks.
Miles knows all about my pain and issues, but while he’s supportive of whatever lifestyle I choose—bonkers-hockey-team-owner-duck-farmer-spinster, for instance—he still thinks I should try seducing my husband just once. At least.
“The good kissing doesn’t matter,” I tell him.
He snorts in disbelief.
“But having him here could be a good thing,” I say.
“If me living across the country from him and spending all his money and making a mockery of his favorite sport isn't enough to make him dump my ass, then him being right here in the midst of all of this, with me every single day, will definitely drive him nuts. I’ll make sure of it.”
Miles takes only a second to process all of that. “You’re going to torture him in person.”
“I don’t love your terminology, but…yes.”
Miles chuckles, then he sobers, “You’re not even going to try to see if it can work?”
It sounds like he’s asking if I’m going to give my marriage a chance, but I know what he’s actually asking about.
“No. I’m not ready.” I take a breath. “I don’t know if I can get ready.”
“I thought you were working with Thea. You said things were better.”
I feel my throat tighten. “Maybe a little. But physical therapy and working with devices and by myself is a whole different thing than having sex—” I glance around, relieved no one is nearby, and lower my voice again.
“Having sex with a real guy, especially a very experienced one, especially one who I would really like it to be great with, is a whole different thing.”
“But doesn’t it seem like the one you’re actually really attracted to, the guy you’re married to, should be the one you try it with?”
The pelvic muscle tightness and pelvic pain have been a fact in my life for years.
It’s been a part of the endometriosis and uterine fibroids I’ve dealt with since I was twelve.
But since my injury and back surgery, the muscle tightness and pain have been intense and have caused such pain during sex that I just stopped having it altogether.
But I had mostly gotten over it. Or learned to deal with it anyway. I wasn’t in a relationship, and I had come to terms, with the help of therapists, with the idea of being abstinent.
Then I got married.
To a man I’m very attracted to. More attracted than I’ve ever been to anyone in my life. Like to the point where I’m actually really pissed off that I can’t have sex with him.
“What if I can’t do it though?” I ask Miles, my voice raspy because of trying not to cry.
I force a smile as Dave Hansen strolls by.
“It’s not really fair to him,” I say. “I shouldn’t start something without knowing if I can finish it. And what if we get partway through and then I can’t keep going? Or I freeze up. What if it’s horrible?”
“Well, you have to tell him what’s been going on,” Miles says, his tone indicating this should be obvious. “Tell him how you feel, and that you’re working on it.”
I feel the tears well up, hot and fast. “Tell one of the world’s most eligible bachelors, a guy who could have any woman, ‘oh, by the way, having sex with me could be one of the most horrible experiences of your life. It might not work. I might freak out in the middle. Even if I don’t, we might get partway through, and I’m going to be a horrible pain and shove you away or cry through it.
’ Yeah, I’ll bet he’ll be super excited. ”
“Jesus, Astrid,” Miles says, sounding like he’s in pain himself. “Do you want me to come? I can be there for you after you talk to him. Though I don’t think I should be there when you tell him this.”
Despite the fact that I feel like I’m about to burst into tears, I laugh.
“Yeah, you and I should sit down with Declan in my orange and green living room, with Oscar strapped to my chest, and say, ‘Hey, Declan, we have something we need to tell you: Astrid’s vagina doesn’t work.
But her physical therapist says that if you’re willing to go through some really intimate, painstaking, and not-at-all-guaranteed-to-work exercises with her, there’s a chance that maybe, in many, many months, you could possibly have not horrible sex once or twice before you divorce her’. ”
“I’m coming to town,” Miles announces in response to my dramatics.
“No,” I say quickly. “That will make the Team Declan and Team Miles thing go totally bonkers.” Then I think about it.
“Wait, yes, you should come. If you’re right here, reminding everybody how much they love you, it will make the Team thing worse.
Declan will get sick of it really fast and be excited to head to Cara for the annulment. ”
“That is not why I’m offering to come to town.”
“I know. But it’s a better idea than holding my hand and feeding me ice cream after I tell my super-hot husband that I am broken and the one perk he might be looking to get out of this crazy marriage is actually a multi-layered emotional and physical minefield.”
“I’d tell you to quit being so dramatic, but maybe it would be good for Declan to know that this is actually how you are. If he’s going to sign up for this, he should know this stuff too.”
“Or maybe I should tell him that my vagina doesn’t work and that sex is never going to happen and that I cannot give him a baby to bind our two families together for all of eternity. If I want him to beg for an annulment, that would do it.”
Miles’s exasperated sigh comes across the line. “I’m calling my contractor today to find out if the bathroom is finished and if I can at least get some electricity wired in one of the rooms in my new house so that I have a place to stay when I get there.”
“You know you can sleep at Patty’s.”
He chuckles. “True. I’m on my way.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too. And I can’t believe I’m saying this but be nice to Declan.”
I give a short laugh. “No way.”
We disconnect and I take a moment to pull in a deep breath. Then I swipe a finger under each of my eyes to be sure that none of the tears escaped.
Endometriosis and pelvic pain suck bad enough.
Having a back injury and so much inflammation around my spinal cord and nerves that I had nerve impairment for months as well, also really sucked.
Missing out on my one and only chance at the Olympics and having to pivot and rewrite my entire life plan definitely sucked.
And I am actually appalled to be sitting on a park bench thinking about how not being able to have sex with the guy I never intended to marry and still have a hard time believing I am legally bound to sucks even more than those things sometimes.
Sex is not that big of a deal. I’ve only had three sexual partners in my life anyway. I enjoyed it, for the most part. At the time, my pelvic pain was somewhat cyclical, and I could control it with medication and lots of foreplay and really being in the mood.
But the first time I tried it after my injury and surgery, it was fucking traumatic.
Brandon was sweet about it. Though he’s probably still traumatized as well. He was also probably traumatized by the NDA I asked him to sign afterward.
The last thing I wanted was someone spilling a secret like that about me.
After I became semi-famous from my viral social media posts, my inspirational speaking, and my regular writing and live videos, people became much more interested in all aspects of my life, including my personal relationships.
A juicy story about me freaking out, sobbing, and throwing him out of my apartment would have probably been very interesting to several online gossip sites.
I get up from the bench, take a deep breath, and head for City Hall, hoping Nora and Sutton are in the Parks and Recreation office.
I need their help.
But what I need might just kill Nora.
Making someone not like Rebel will be the hardest thing she’s ever done.